Hi there. Long time a lurker, a first-time poster. Forgive my writing, English is my 2nd language.
I (24F) and my BF (23M) have known each other for almost 10yrs now. High school classmates. We only became close after high school and I realized I liked him a lot more than just friends almost 4years ago.
However, I wasn’t in my country at the time but I confessed to him via chats then. I also told him I wasn’t ready to date due to the distance and because I’d never had sex before. He told me, he liked me too and was willing to wait till I returned.
I got back in February 2021 but we couldn’t meet till the end of the year when I finally moved to the same city as him. Despite meeting once in a while, we still never concluded what we want to do until the end of last year. That is mostly due to my starting University.
We started exclusively dating in December. Even tho things have been really good, there is still the issue of my virginity. I made it clear every time he inquires about it that I’m still not ready to have sex. He’s been mostly gentle but lately been very pushy. He told me he could comprehend why I don’t want to. I have expressed my reasons, which are mostly due to trauma. I feel not being ready is reason enough but he doesn’t seem to understand.
Last night, he brought it up while we were chatting but I stood my ground. Then, he said he’s slowly losing interest in me due to the lack of sex. We have done other things besides sex, even those I wasn’t comfortable with at the time. I don’t know what to do. This is my first relationship.
Please help!
TL;DR! – My boyfriend said he’s slowly losing interest in me because I’m still not ready to have sex after dating for 5months+.
7 comments
You should not be with someone who pushes your (totally reasonable!) boundaries. You should not be with someone who makes you feel bad for having boundaries.
You should not be with someone who coerces you into sex acts you’re uncomfortable with because you ‘owe it to them since you’re not willing to go all the way’.
This guy does NOT respect you and you can do a lot better. There exist men whose attraction to you does not rely on you having sex before you’re ready.
You shouldn’t be doing things you’re not comfortable with. But if you have unhealed trauma, what are you doing to fix that? Are you working with a therapist?
It’s completely reasonable that he doesn’t want to stay in a relationship without sex for a long period of time, perhaps indefinitely. But he shouldn’t be pushing you.
You two likely need to break up, and you need to focus on therapy so you can heal before you try to get into a relationship.
Some people treat sex like it’s life or death in a relationship. It’s his choice to be one of those people, but he doesn’t get to enforce that thinking on you or anyone else.
If he were a better person, he’d recognize this for what it is — a compatibility issue. He wants sex right now and you are not capable of having sex in the immediate. That means he needs to make a choice: put aside his want for immediate sex in order to respect your boundaries, or leave you and go find sex elsewhere. Instead, he’s taken the creeper sex pest route and is hounding you to give in. Do NOT give in.
It may be better for you, and your healing, to take some time away from dating. Dump this guy, and if you can, consider accessing therapy or counselling to help work through the wounds your trauma has left you with. It’s not your fault, and it’s okay that you aren’t ready to have sex. You can get to the place where you are ready, some day, if you want to — but please, OP… do that self-work on **your schedule**, not his or any other man’s.
It’s his right to decide he wants a relationship that includes sex, and even to break up with you. What he *doesn’t* get to do is push you about it, second guess your reasons, or push you into whatever it is that you two have already done before you were comfortable.
It sounds like breaking up with this guy is the right move. Separately from that, if you would like to have a sexual relationship with someone else at some point and you think your trauma is getting in the way of what *you* want, yes, a therapist is a great idea. For *you*, at your own pace, not because your boyfriend is bored with masturbation or whatever his deal is.
It’s totally reasonable for him to say “For me a romantic relationship includes sex.” Why don’t you want to have sex? Do you not feel attracted to him sexually?
As others have said, its reasonable for him to want a relationship that involves sex, but it is not acceptable to push or coerce you into it. You say you’re working with a therapist already, which is great! I think you need to sit down with your bf and discuss when (if ever) you think you might want to have sex, and allow him to decide if he wants to stay in a relationship with you given that timeline. However, it needs to be VERY CLEAR that pressuring or coercing you into sex/sex acts you don’t want is unacceptable. In fact, you should think about and discuss with your therapist if the past pressuring is worth forgiving at all.
PS: your English is incredibly good! I would never have guessed it was your second language, even with your disclaimer at the start!
If he didn’t want to wait until you were comfortable to have sex, meaning that it would be on your time, then he has the right to pursue a relationship elsewhere. But what you never do, is let anyone overstep your boundary or let someone pressure you into doing anything sexual that you are not prepared to do.