TL;DR I have been hooking up with a girl for about a year before she got pregnant, I asked for a paternity test and it came out negative (I’m not the dad) however she keeps insisting she was only having sex with me and is asking me to wait until after the baby’s born to take another test.
EDIT: I’ll take another test, I’ll contact a lawyer, I’ll have the second test in a different clinic since the first one was sketchy.
I also need to think about my own feelings now, talking with some people here made me realize that maybe i do have feelings for her too, maybe I’ve fallen for her. I miss her, I want to be with her even if we’re just doing nothing. I think about her and honestly and as cheesy as it sounds I get butterflies.
I also don’t think I mind stepping up for the baby, I was happy for the baby, and I don’t think I care if it’s mine or not. Clearly the other possible father doesn’t care, but i do. I care for both of them and want them in my life. I still need to think about this, but I’m leaning towards this now
A person said its possible that she’s not lying too, as they say that its possible that she has more weeks than what we thought. I’ll suggest to talk about this with her doctor. (End of edit, I wanted to put it here since it’ll be easier for people to see it)
About a year ago I have started seeing a girl, we met in a club, we hook up and then remained as friends with benefits. We mostly hang out to have sex, but also sometimes we hang out just because. We had sex regularly, like at least twice per week or something like that (unless she’s on her period) Up until now we got along great, we never spoke about starting a serious relationship or anything like that.
Like 3 months ago she messaged me that her period was late. I told her ok and asked if she wanted me to drop off a pregnancy test. She told me yes so after I got off work I stopped by the drugstore and got the two tests (because the woman told me one can fail). I went to her apartment and waited until she took the test. She was nervous while we were waiting so I tried to calm her down which I guess worked because she was a bit more relaxed after. Both tests came out positive. She broke down and honestly I was scared too but I let her calm down. I stayed with her overnight and we spoke about what to do next and the obvious thing was going to the doctor.
She went to the doctor like two days after this. Later she messaged me that she was 3 weeks pregnant. I told her ok and asked what did she wanted to do, like if she had thought about having an abortion or she wanted to keep it and she said she needed to think about it. I told her cool and to keep me informed, and to text me if she needed anything.
About 5 days later she texted me and told me she wanted to keep it. I told her okay and I asked her to come to my apartment later after work so we could talk. It was very awkward, especially since she kept trying to sleep with me because she was “too horny”. I told her that I will step up, I will take care of the baby and her if the baby’s mine. She assured me like a hundred times that it was mine because she had not be sleeping with anyone else as she was busy with college and only had time for me. Still I told her that I wanted a paternity test, just to be sure. She told me once again that she was sure it was mine and tried to talk me out of doing the test, however she finally accepted to do a test when it was safe.
Through this time I have been very active in the pregnancy, I went to the check ups with her and have been staying with her sometimes as she was struggling with morning sickness and such. Also I brought stuff for the baby like clothes, some diapers and the crib. We explained to the doctor we weren’t sure I was the father and asked when was it safe to do a paternity test, she said around 8 weeks.
We put it off honestly, she was feeling too sick (morning sickness) and I was also busy with work so we couldn’t do it at 8 weeks. During this time I took care of her still and we went to the 4 months check up too.
She was feeling better once the first trimester passed and we did the test at 17 weeks.The results came out and I am not the father, she told me it must be wrong because she hasn’t slept with anyone else for like the last two months before her missed period. However we had been explained that it is very accurate, so I drove her to her apartment and told her that that was it because it ended up not being my baby. She cried and tried to guilt me again, telling me she knows it’s my baby. I told her I had promised to take care of her IF the baby was mine, but it isn’t.Ever since this happened she had been texting me and calling me to tell me about the next check up/ whatever related to the pregnancy. I told her I kept my promise and to leave alone, I don’t want to see her again, to please just leave me alone.
Then, about two days after this, she showed up in my apartment, she asked me if we can talk inside my apartment. I told her if she needed to tell me something than she could just tell me there, but she started crying and said that we really need to talk in private and such. Finally I gave in because she was making a big fuss in the street and she looked terrible, like she was gonna faint or something. I calmed her down and she confessed to me that she had developed feelings for me these last couple months because I was so attentive towards her and the baby. She yet again insisted I am the father and that the people who made the test might have made a mistake, she asked me to wait until the baby’s born so we can make another test. I told her no because it’s expensive and we were told this test is very accurate. She told me she’s sure, she doesn’t want to me to miss on my baby’s life, she told me to wait until the baby is here and go to a different clinic for the paternity test because when the baby’s born I’ll get to see that they’re mine (like she thinks they would look like me)Once again I told her no.
She started crying uncontrollably and she was feeling sick, so I let her stay with me. She tried to get me to sleep with her (in the same bed, not as to have sex) but I let her sleep in my bed and I had to sleep in the couch. The next day I dropped her off at her apartment, she told me to think about the second paternity test and she tried to kiss me before getting out of my car.
Then nothing for like three days until she texted me to ask me to go with her to the check up she has next week. I told her no, and to stop insisting. She started blowing my phone with messages and I ended up blocking her. The next day she showed up to my job, she was crying a lot and telling me off for blocking her. My manager came up and asked what was going on because obviously he was outraged to see a pregnant girl arguing with his employee. She told him I was refusing to be a father for “our” baby, I was abandoning them. I had to explain all of this to my boss later.
I don’t know what to do honestly. My family is basically telling me to do things her way and wait until the baby’s born to know if it’s mine or not, although they were excited to have another grandbaby/ nephew/ niece from the start since I’m the youngest and only one of my siblings without kids.
My friends are encouraging me to fill a police restraining order, but I don’t want to do that. Like I know she’s in a very shitty position, I was the only one of her possible baby’s daddy’s who stepped up when she got pregnant, she’s probably feeling miserable with pregnancy symptoms, she’s young and scared, I don’t want to add to that. I don’t know what should I do honestly.
Also another friend (f) told me I had lead her on by being attentive and taking care of her, letting her stay with me even after the tests results and such and that’s why she had developed feelings for me which makes sense I guess.
I don’t want her to be sad/ stressed since it will also impact in the baby’s health and I don’t wish that either of them have a hard time because of me. I want to help if I can but also feel wronged because even though I’ve asked her many times to be honest and tell me who else could be the baby’s father so I could help contacting him she had told me each time that she had only slept with me and the baby’s mine, despise the paternity test results. I don’t know, I’m just confused and tired and don’t know what to do.
34 comments
I don’t know where you live, but in the US, dna tests are not that expensive once baby is born. I’d consider getting a test when baby is born on the OFF chance (and I mean VERY off chance) that the first test was wrong (very unlikely). But you also need to be clear that while you’ll do the test (if it’s not cost prohibitive) you will not “be there” for her during the pregnancy or birth and you do not wish to hear from her again until it’s time for the DNA test becaue at this point, the assumption is that you are not the father.
Hold firm on these boundaries and do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Make it clear that you WILL contact police if she doesn’t respect your requests to not contact you and not show up places to talk to you.
If she refuses to believe the paternity test results and is causing issues at your work, you have to get a restraining order against her. Regardless of her situation, this isn’t the way to behave.
DNA comparison testing is 99.9% accurate…if that’s what they did.
Perhaps make a call to the doctor who did the test to verify what test was performed.
Honestly I’d tell her that she needs to stop showing up at your apartment as you won’t be opening the door. And she needs to stop calling and messaging about this topic or you will block her (if you want to remain friends at all) else just block her.
You seem pretty level headed about all of this and I can appreciate that she is struggling but it makes no sense to keep opening the door for her to think there’s any hope here.
Well mate, I can’t say I have been in any sort of position similar to yours but here is my two cents.
I would say stay in very VERY limited contact with her. Paternity tests have been known to be faulty, yet you have already received one that states you aren’t the father. So for the pregnancy, I would say stay away and not accept any responsibility regarding the pregnancy. When the baby is born, just to be safe, have another test done(if the baby isn’t very obviously not your by how it looks). And I insist that you don’t pay for the test, someone else who is on her side of this issue should.
And absolutely, make sure she doesn’t put your name down on any (legal, medical, etc) paperwork. If she does then this will majorly screw you over long term.
HOWEVER, if she tries bashing you publicly like she did at your job, be this by spreading rumors or trying to pressure you, then go with the restraining order. Before hand, give her a stern and clear warning against doing so and if you are willing to do another test after the baby is born, tell her so. But if she tries that stuff again after the warning, get the restraining order and don’t go through with the test.
Also from now on, always have documentation of your interactions, either record your interactions, or never meet face to face with just the two of you. Always have someone who is 100% on your side with you to vouch for you because she might try and start rumors or worse shit about you being abusive. Always have a third party or full documentation of your future encounters with her.
I suppose a compromise is to do the paternity test after the baby is born, but she pays for it. As for your part, you got the DNA results that says you’re not the father.
Or do another in-vitro test but she also pays for it, if you want to find out sooner. she’s the one who knows if she slept with other people. there is only so much insisting and lying she can do, if another test proves you’re not the father.
Talk to someone in the office where you had the dna test. Paying $2000 for a test should give you the right to talk to them & perhaps get something in writing from them about the accuracy of the tests.
She could be mentally in denial re other potential baby daddies or perhaps they only fooled around but sperm traveled anyway. Shrug. She knows but she isn’t sharing with you.
Now she’s bringing it to your work place which could impact your job. At that point, yeah you need to get a restraining order even if it’s limited to your work place.
You have to figure out though how you want to handle this – if you don’t want anything to do with her because it isn’t yours then stop being there for her. She’s taking your caring as romantic and she will continue acting accordingly. If you can care for her & the child despite the fact the child isn’t yours then stop with pussyfooting and step up already.
But remember by stepping up you are at least morally committing yourself to being in that child’s life for the next 18 years at least.
Sounds like she is scared and the actual father won’t step up or she can’t get in touch with them so she is pinning you and using you for support. Restraining order and stand your ground. When the baby is born, you can submit for another paternity test but until then, protect yourself.
You will need a family practice lawyer no matter how this rolls. If the small chance that there was a mistake in the testing or getting a Cease & Desist letter/process of a restraining order. Dude, learn to use condoms.
Go through the court system if you’re in the US. That way, you can establish your rights up front if it is yours.
If it isn’t, she will have to cover the cost of the paternity test, so you won’t be out of pocket for a child that isn’t yours.
It might be pregnancy hormones, but on the off chance it isn’t, doing this through the legal system will help protect you!!
Get a restraining order, block her number and DEMAND a DNA test before she tries to get your name on the birth certificate. Don’t be stupid and get stuck with a maniac. She’s desperate for someone to care for her and i bet she’s never going to work or contribute to anything in a household once she finds a host to latch on to. Dude like seriously as a woman I am begging you to leave this crazy woman behind, don’t be the idiot she fools into supporting her forever, especially after she keeps lying to you.
ONLY bringing this up because I didn’t see any other comments address it: is there any chance she was drugged and/or sexually assaulted and genuinely believes (either because of ignorance or denial) that you really are the only potential candidate for father?
Regardless, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong here at all, and I think you’re completely within your right to cut ties with someone who is pregnant with another man’s baby & is harassing you about it even after a negative paternity test. Just offering another perspective
With the denial, is there any chance she was assaulted and is trying to cope?.
Dude you’re being really obtuse and at 25 you really not be this stupid. Block her, stop letting her come to your house, if she wants a DNA test she can order one.
Also at 25 you really should be using condoms every time. The fact that you weren’t using them was asking for an oops. Do better.
Honestly if she’s insisting you’re the father and willing to take another test I’d do it just to be safe. It’s not like she’s trying to convince you the test is wrong and you don’t need another test she’s begging you to take another test, that’s how sure she is. Those test are very accurate but not perfect, they can fail. Take the second test after the baby is born just to be sure then if it’s still negative firmly set your boundaries with her. Tell her until then you don’t want contact and to only contact you after the baby is born and yes use a different clinic
Honestly if she’s insisting you’re the father and willing to take another test I’d do it just to be safe. It’s not like she’s trying to convince you the test is wrong and you don’t need another test she’s begging you to take another test, that’s how sure she is. Those test are very accurate but not perfect, they can fail. Take the second test after the baby is born just to be sure then if it’s still negative firmly set your boundaries with her. Tell her until then you don’t want contact and to only contact you after the baby is born and yes use a different clinic
Please stop rawdogging vulnerable teenagers.
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Honestly if she’s insisting you’re the father and willing to take another test I’d do it just to be safe. It’s not like she’s trying to convince you the test is wrong and you don’t need another test she’s begging you to take another test, that’s how sure she is. Those test are very accurate but not perfect, they can fail. Take the second test after the baby is born just to be sure then if it’s still negative firmly set your boundaries with her. Tell her until then you don’t want contact and to only contact you after the baby is born and yes use a different clinic
Do better.
Whole post is gross.
Unprotected sex with a teenage girl and you’re wondering why there’s drama!?
Stick to women your own age, use protection, just do better.
Do another paternity test once baby is here.
Then buy a shitload of condoms and never ever approach another teenage girl. I hope you have learnt from this.
What business do you have being in your mid 20s and hooking up with a 19year old for around a year, i.e. started seeing her when she was 18, barely out of school?! 🤢🤢
How about not fucking high school girls?
Well, you can tell her you’ll do another paternity test once the baby is born. But your won’t do it if she contacts you again. The test will not be to confirm what she is saying but rather in the 0.001% chance there was an error. So she shouldn’t hold on to hope and you’re not going to be acting like a baby daddy in the interim. If she shows up to work again, or your apartment you’ll get a restraining order. And if she contacts you after you’ve told her you want to go, you’ll just block her again.
It’s ok to confirm the result, if she’s this adamant maybe there was a lab error. But the likelihood is she’s desperate and grasping for help.
If you give her boundaries, then if she oversteps them at least you won’t feel responsible. You don’t need to wait but you can check.
Also FWB with an 18 year old.. You maybe need to look at how you’re treating women. Sex leads to feelings.
Dude, you need to bring and use your own contraceptives unless you’re in a long term relationship and ready to be making babies… or better yet stop having casual sex. This whole thing is an exercise in “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”. That said, if she can’t prove it’s yours, it’s not yours, and get the restraining order. View this whole thing as a hard learning experience.
You’ve been hooking up for a year. Why is a 24 year old fucking an 18 year old?
She’s 19, and her decision to keep the baby might have been based on the fact that she did have feelings for you and she knew you would step up.
She shouldn’t be given any false hope that you will step in and be the dad of this child. Stop seeing her and giving her encouragement. Stop attending doctors appointments. Stop playing daddy and leading her on.
Tell her you will agree to another DNA test but until it is done, you will be cutting contact with her.
Make it clear that you are not the child’s father and you will not be there to help her raise her child.
Make it clear to her that she should, and must contact the babies actual father and partition for child support.
It may be in the child’s best interest for her to contact an adoption agency right now. The baby can be placed with parents who want a child. Right now the child is being paraded around like a prop to try to guilt you into marriage and fatherhood. The child deserves a better life than this.
It’s really unlikely that the test is wrong. I would keep my distance until the baby is born. Please make better decisions. Don’t lie down with any more teenagers.
Moral of the story wrap it up please!!!!
I have a friend who broke up with his girlfriend, then a few days later, she asked to talk to him and she said she was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby. He said it didn’t change anything between them, but he wanted to step up, pay child support and have some time with the baby, visitation when they were old enough.
She spent the whole pregnancy and first few months of baby’s life trying to convince him to get back with her. When it became clear it was not going to happen, she started to fight him in court against visitation, for more child support (we were in college, she wanted him to drop out and get a job to pay more, even though he was covering nearly all the kid’s expenses).
When the baby was approximately 1 year old (maybe 18months, I am not sure, it was a few year ago), they were in court and the judge was saying baby was old enough to spend a full day at dad’s place and it will transition soon to a full weekend. So she lost it and screamed he wasn’t even the father. A DNA test later, it was confirmed she lied for 2 years. As you can imagine, the judge was not amused. She had to pay all my friend expenses, child support back and the judge asked him if he wanted to sue, which he did not.
The craziest part is, after that, she wanted him to resume visitation! He bonded with the baby, so he actually went to a child psychiatrist to talk about what was best for the child, and after that discussion, he cut all contact with mother and baby.
So yeah, some people can be very convincing for a very long time, it doesn’t need to be the truth. A false negative is extremely rare. Possible, but extremely improbable. I would distance myself and wait for birth to do another test. Doing the test can be conditioned to her respecting your boundaries.
Info request: why didn’t you wear a condom?
I’m sorry, I’m a little confused, so I am asking for some clarification.
First, what type of paternity test was completed? Usually, while the baby is in utero, a DNA test would be performed via amniocentesis. But that is not what she to do and is rarely done in the first trimester. Certainly, not at 8 weeks unless there was concern for a fetal development or genetic issue. Or, was this a cheek swab for you and a blood test for her? No judgment. Just curiosity.
Second, finding out at only 3 weeks pregnant is not common. Most women don’t find out until 5 weeks or so to actually be considered “late”. Did they give a time range of when she may have conceived for reference and comparison of the dates that you hooked up?
Yes, there is always a chance that the tests got messed up, switched, lab error, etc. It isn’t common, but it does happen. I found out that one of my kids had a genetic autoimmune disorder on accident. The lab sent in their blood draw with the wrong order. The other order was for the immune disorder.
If she is really hell-bent on proving you are the dad, then she can find a way to pay for additional testing. If she is unsure of if she wants the baby if it ISN’T yours, she still has plenty of time to look into adoption. I sympathize with her. I was pregnant at 19 with my firstborn. There are a lot of emotions involved. She may have very well been so drunk/high/whatever, she does not physically remember having sex with someone else. That would be a very scary feeling. But, you are not obligated to stick around and raise a child just because you have been a nice guy.
First off—what the fuck were you doing sleeping with an 18 year old? Of course she is terrified, irrational and scared right now. It’s likely that the baby isn’t yours, but I’m just shocked you expect this teenage girl to act rational when only you have a developed prefrontal cortex.
You started hooking up with a barely legal girl, and now you’re annoyed that she’s scared out of her senses and trying to hold on to what should be a responsible adult?
Maybe find people your own age and avoid fucking teenagers, especially if you want more emotional maturity and someone who knows how to navigate such an extreme situation. Well, there wouldn’t be such a big problem in the 1st place, this is a TEEN PREGNANCY.
I don’t feel pity for you at all. Someone in their mid 20s fucking a teen is freaking disgusting and predatory. I pity this poor girl who got charmed by a much older dude who should be emotionally mature and responsible enough, and who’s leaving her alone in one of the most difficult points of her life. You said you were friends too, right? You sound like a great friend /s
Wait… If you’ve been having sex for at least a year, she was at best 18. That’s honestly creepy. On top of that you weren’t using any birth control?!!!
Being 17 or 18 and going to a club and having sex multiple times a week with an older man screams that she is already vulnerable.
Idk I know that’s not the point of the original post but let’s not normalize the relationship in the first place. Before everyone jumps on “it’s legal!!!”, first off it’s barely legal, and second, does it have to be illegal for it to be immoral?
Step 1: Stop having unprotected sex, especially with teenagers.
Step 2: Stop allowing the pregnant 19yr old to stay at your place overnight.
Step 3: Agree to take another pregnancy test once the baby is born, but tell her that her family needs to pay for it because you trust the original test.
Step 4: Tell her you’re not interested in a relationship with her and that you plan on going no contact until the second paternity test after the baby is born.
– Don’t play games or appease her by going to appointments, that’s f*cked up and will only amplify her feelings for you.
Step 5: Let her and her parents know that if she shows up at your job again, you’ll involve the police.
Make sure she understands that even if the baby ends up being yours, you will not be in a relationship with her. Sounds like she needs to know you have zero interest in playing house in order to let go of the fantasy she created.
Also, please stop having unprotected sex with teenagers, you can’t expect maturity from your 18-19 year old hook ups. Protect both of you by either staying away from them or using condoms every time.