Okay so, we’ve been married for going on 3 years, dated for around a year before that. Last summer I found out that my wife was still receiving messages from this guy she used to see around the same time that we got together. It was kind of an episode with her snatching her phone out of my hand (I was literally handing her the phone as the text came in, not snooping) but she eventually let me look through messages and stuff and I was placated with her promise to block him.
Last Wednesday we were riding the subway to go out for dinner and I happened to see dude’s thumbnail image as she hurriedly scrolled through her notifications as if to keep me from noticing. At first she tried to show me a recent text from a friend and say that was the message, but it was not the WhatsApp notification that I was talking about. As we exited the subway platform I looked back to see her deleting her reply.
I had to drag out of her that he only just texted her again that morning, and checking the message history seemed to confirm it. Deleting her reply bothered me though and I wasn’t satisfied. I told her I needed to check her phone if she wanted to avoid damaging trust, and she let me check her Facebook and insta messages but when I went to see what apps she had installed she snatched it out of my hands again and wouldn’t give it back. I tried to plead with her that she was about to do irreparable damage but she wouldn’t budge and I wasn’t about to snatch it back and risk her escalating to a physical confrontation in public. In my mind she had just all but confirmed my fears anyway. Went home and ignored her all night.
Thursday we didn’t really speak to each other much. She tried to explain that she had had dating apps still installed but hadn’t used them in years and was worried how I would react to some old messages. I had remained very calm if a bit grim this whole time after finding out about the *new* message so that didn’t track, and it felt like trickle truth. She started despairing that I wouldn’t forgive her or ever trust her again, which yeah exactly the consequences I had warned her about when she snatched the phone out of my hand.
Friday after I left for work she messaged me to let me know she was going to stay with her ‘landing pad’ family, that is the family she stayed with for several years after immigrating to the US. She has a room there and usually stays a few days each month when they need some translation help. I was not happy with this, she said she wanted to give me space but it felt like she was running away from the uncomfortable consequences. We’ve had a couple of text conversations since then but it’s just going in circles, she minimizes her lying (“I didn’t believe one message could cause all this” “I didn’t do anything really bad” etc) then gets offended when I remind her of her lies, says she already apologized as though that’s supposed to make it all better. She refused counseling, although at this point I doubt it would make any difference. Frankly I haven’t even processed all of this yet as I was working all weekend, I’m not sure I’d want to go to counseling either, or even forgive her at all for that matter. She’s not being very remorseful, badgering me for forgiveness, claiming my lack of trust is hurting her. As though trust is a switch I can flip to turn off and on.
She says she doesn’t know what to do or say because I won’t believe her anyway since she could have deleted or hidden whatever actually was on the phone by now. I really don’t know either frankly, so I came here to ask advice. I’m starting to doubt it’s fixable given how she’s been reacting to the whole thing but I guess I’m still hoping since I haven’t got any direct evidence of infidelity yet. Just, my mind boggles at what else could be so bad that she’d prefer to blow up the relationship than fess up. I’m not sure I even want to know at this point. Is there some way I can get her to understand what she needs to do to fix this? I’m honestly not sure I know
42 comments
My man…. she is up to no good.
The first time is already hugely fucked up, and tbh you messed up by giving full trust to a liar
What are the odds you happened to notice just as this guy reached out to her for the first time since then…. I almost never know who my partner is texting
Terrified of you checking the apps…. it’s done, that guy is the least of your concerns. She’s going after other guys. Who keeps dating apps on their phone for years while in a committed relationship- how come she was so aware they were installed at this point?
Unfortunately any evidence will now be gone and she’s relying on plausible deniability and your goodwill, but yeah no way you can ever trust her
It would take me years at a minimum to trust, continued action is at the core of that, not asking for it back
There is no fixing this. She doesn’t want to or she would be up front with you. Instead she is running away, hiding. It doesn’t matter if she has been unfaithful. She is as a minimum having an emotional affair. If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t be denying everything and hiding her phone activity from you.
The trust is broken. It would be an uphill battle to mend, if she was interested, but she is not. Without trust, you don’t have a functional relationship.
Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. You need to free yourself to find the person that you can trust.
Been there, done that. I ultimately had to file for divorce because I got tired of constantly having to check her phone and did not want to be a control freak. My way of coping turned to drinking which I figured long term would not do any good either.
The ‘landing pad family’ she is staying with is another guy.
You are dead man walking I think
Prepare for worst
There is no fixing this. She is cheating, maybe just an EA or maybe more, lying and hiding stuff. None of this is good. She is also minimizing her actions and now blaming you. Stay with her at your own peril.
The landing pad is her vagina for that guys dick dude.
They’re no fixing this and the more you have to make her try the more broken it will be. She’s taking no accountability and actively downplaying her behaviour. Lawyer up and move on
What is it that is keeping you attached to a woman who has lied to you and is communicating with an old fling?
If you were advising your son in this circumstance, what advice would you give him?
She had her opportunities to introduce trust and security into the relationship – instead she did the opposite and introduces distrust and insecurity.
Your thoughts on this are probably right on target. She was crossing boundaries in some form or fashion, and isn’t willing to be honest about it, at least not yet.
It is pretty obvious what she needs to do though. She needs to give you full access to her phone, apps, and messaging – permanently – in order to start to rebuild trust. She needs to allow you to track her (she can track you as well, and see your phone anytime as well), and she needs to understand that you can’t move forward with her unless she shows herself to be a safe and loyal partner. Essentially, she needs to do anything you ask, and not put up resistance to the trust-building steps you come up with.
She also needs to have an honest genuine conversation about what she was doing, without excuses, blameshifting, or gaslighting. She needs to own her mistakes, whatever they are.
Once you have all available information, you can then make a more informed decision (at some point), and you can work on rebuilding your marriage together, should you decide to go that route. She needs to understand that her hiding the truth just further damages the relationship – and that she needs to “man up” and face the consequences of her actions, which is much better than trying to do damage control, in the long run.
If you decide to take action and move towards divorce, there is a good chance reality may hit her and she will change and do the things listed above. So you could use divorce as a tool to help her understand how serious this is.
Just realize this is a last resort. She may not come to her senses and you will need to follow through if that is the case, as she may be in the “affair fog” and building a new relationship with another man – “monkey branching” as it is called. Or she is just seeking attention and validation from other males – another character flaw that she may not be able to give up so easily.
I’m going straight to divorce, she is shady and not interested in fixing it.
Time to break up
What do you do when your spouse is cheating on you? You divorce.
See if you can get phone records from your cell phone company
My dude she’s already showed you who and what she is. And now as she’s trying to manipulate you and gaslight you to stay with you. Don’t fall for it. Do you know what she is and you know what she did. Basically she failed a girlfriend test. If she lives with you, you need to pack all of her stuff off and put it outside the door change the lock and tell her goodbye after that you cut off all communication with her because you’ll never get the truth from her.
She’s cheating. Time to divorce her. Next time take the phone off her and keep it away from her.
Divorce. She’s staying with him a few days a month. Don’t be so naive.
Your ex is a liar and a cheat. Move on, block her, and find more honest people in your life.
Ship has already sailed but there are restoration programs to retrieve deleted messages. You can also (re-)download different apps onto the phone to see if there is already account information stored on her phone.
But, like I said, this ship left port a while ago. If she wants you to trust her, she should not act in a way to arouse your suspicions. Simple. No one to blame but herself. But it’s not one message. It’s the whole pattern of behavior. Pick your metaphor, but the toothpaste isn’t going back in the tube. She’s not interested in redemption, just in a “Get Out of Jail Free” pass. She doesn’t care about fixing things, just in hiding them better. That ain’t no way to live, man.
Sorry don’t think you can fix this. If she really wanted to fix this and rebuild trust she would have asked what you want her to do to rebuild trust. She has pretty much done the exact opposite at every turn so she’s definitely hiding something.
Who keeps old apps on their phone that they supposedly haven’t used in years? Honest question.
I would be going to see a lawyer. You married a cheater.
i promise you she is actively using dating apps or she wouldn’t care about you seeing them. if she felt she had to hide them then she would have deleted them. she’s deleting her messages even though they’re “not important” hiding her phone not letting you look at her messages or apps now going away too? don’t be a doormat.
travel to the landing pad family and if she is not there take a photo with them and send to her asking where she is at and just leave her on read
She is stepping out of the relationship. She hiding things from you. Lying to you and dating apps after all this time being with you.. major red flags. Dump her ass. You deserve better and someone you can trust
Obviously there is very little she can do. You warned her she would break your trust and she ignored you. And also obviously it certainly looks like she’s been in contact with at least one other man.
About the only thing she can now offer is full transparency. She gives you access to her phone at any time you ask. You also get access to all of her social media accounts. And if she owns a laptop or other electronic devices you get access to that too. (Eg some people use gaming consoles to message each other). And she has to be prepared to do this for an indeterminate period of time.
Assuming she agrees to this, the question then is do you want a marriage where you play policeman? You’re the only one who can answer that.
>Okay so, we’ve been married for going on 3 years, dated for around a year before that.
>It was kind of an episode with her snatching her phone out of my hand
It’s a huge red flag you’ve been together this long and you either A) Had her snatching her phone from you and B) she’s even speaking to the guy, given whatever was going on necessitated him being blocked.
The first behaviour here is bad enough, she clearly knows what you’d think but is hiding it. I’d have walked with that by itself.
>At first she tried to show me a recent text from a friend and say that was the message, but it was not the WhatsApp notification that I was talking about. As we exited the subway platform I looked back to see her deleting her reply.
So she’s actively hiding this despite the agreement _and_ knowing how you feel and has moved onto lying.
I’d have walked here too.
>when I went to see what apps she had installed she snatched it out of my hands again and wouldn’t give it back. I tried to plead with her that she was about to do irreparable damage but she wouldn’t budge and I wasn’t about to snatch it back and risk her escalating to a physical confrontation in public. In my mind she had just all but confirmed my fears anyway.
Leave this woman.
>She says she doesn’t know what to do or say because I won’t believe her anyway since she could have deleted or hidden whatever actually was on the phone by now.
What she should’ve done is be honest from the very start, not hide things, not snatch her phone away and keep hiding things.
My friend – just be done with this drama. Be done with this woman.
She doesn’t respect you, can’t keep a promise and is clearly putting her talking to this guy above you, as her partner.
You’re worth more.
It’s been 4 years, 3 married and she still has “old” dating apps installed on her phone? Straight up cheating, no doubt about it.
The fact that she still has dating apps on her phone after dating you for a year and being married for three years is a HUGE red flag! She’s still in contact with her ex – Red flag. She hides her messages – Red flag. Quote “I didn’t do anything really bad”. She’s minimizing – Red flag. I would even be suspicious about her trips to stay with her “landing pad” family. OP, it’s very obvious that you can’t trust her and she’ll continue to deny everything. It’s time to cut your loses on this one and end it.
Battery usage in her phone settings will tell you where she’s spending her time, but you already know. 41F here, she’s not yours. She’s trying to make *you* the culprit. Typical Narc DARVO tactic. Time to lawyer up.
The fact that she wouldn’t let you see those apps and messages, proved that she’s cheating. Even if there are dating apps installed, she can still prove her innocence if she can show you that these were not used / accessed. She cannot, that’s why she doesn’t want you to see them. You cannot trust cheaters, so better to talk to a lawyer and file for divorce soon.
If I were you I would either just leave, or sit her down and tell her that the secret needs to come out now or it’s done.. You’ve already given her time to delete messages and make coverups, so whatever she tells you will probably never be the whole truth, and you don’t have the ability to know any more.
Almost forgot the issue of visa status. Sorry Pal. It really sounds like you’re being used. At the very least, you need to move the chances of divorce from “possible” to “pretty bloody likely”. Good luck.
The behavior your describing on her part is gas lighting.
She doesn’t doesnt respect you and you cannot trust her. Without those you cant have a solid relationship.
You know exactly what it is. You won’t acknowledge it
You caught her twice with the lie, it’s not enough for you??? Wake up to reality what are you waiting to discover? nothing you could find out or discover now can be a surprise.
She intentionally broke things because what you would have seen if she’d given you the phone is worse than your suspicions.
Have some self respect and end it.
She isn’t even trying to regain your trust.
She is deflecting by trying to turn blame on you for a situation you literally didn’t have any hand in causing.
“She says she doesn’t know what to do or say because I won’t believe her anyway since she could have deleted or hidden whatever actually was on the phone by now.” — She’s banking on the fact that you can never really know, because in her mind, anything you imagine was there, is not as bad (or provable) as what WAS there…
She thinks she is all that smart, but at the end of the day, she will regret her mistake. As my mother would say : nobody knows what they have, until they lose it. Don’t take her back, it is time for you as a person to set boundaries. You will find a good person who will give you the love you deserve.
I’m sorry. It’s not fixable. Why waste more time in a liar, and probably a cheat. Nicely pack up her things and take them to her spot. This is done.
She made her decision when you flat out told her what was about to happen. She ignored your warning. Follow through.
If you don’t follow thru, she won’t learn her lesson and the next guy that warns her the same thing, will have the same issue. She can change, but not for you, that ship sailed.
Following thru on your ultimatum pays it forward to the next guy. LEAVE.
Obviously hiding something very damaging. Otherwise, why hide it in the face of you flat out telling her she is going to do irreparable damage to the relationship? Anything incriminating is long gone and she will up her efforts to hide shit from now on.
You need the truth. Without it, you guys are likely (and should be) done. She’s entitled to privacy, not secrecy.
Time to grey rock her for a while. If nothing changes for the better with her attitude, it’s lawyer time.
Sorry man. I hope you get a great outcome, whatever that looks like.
She’s using weasel words to make everything minimized. You’re not having it, so she’s sunk. She’s not honest, not forthright, not trustable.