This is my first real relationship and he is certainly more experienced (has a child with his ex wife, has been in a long relationship since the divorce), so I’m aware of some initial imbalance going in.
While he has been an extremely respectful, caring partner, I am blessed to not have experienced any traumas in relationships so I’m having some trouble understanding his perspective.
From what I understand, his ex wife crossed a lot of his boundaries and eventually left him for his boss. They have a pleasant coparenting relationship and a lovely child. However, I’ve noticed some issues that he has around introducing me to his friends, presumably because of how it ended in the past. He became a bit reclusive after the incident with his wife, is visibly protective of me around his friends, and does not like it when his friends and I have communication where he is not involved.
Second thing is that I’ve been wanting to adopt a pet cat for years and am finally a few weeks away from getting one. When we initially started dating, he mentioned in passing the cat he had with his ex wife. I mentioned my love of cats and intention to adopt. He now revealed that he is allergic, and tolerated it for his ex because he loved her and wanted to make it work. His ex did not want the cat when they split up. I will obviously not get a cat if it means poor health for him.
Finally, he is firm about not moving in together until his child is moved out (5+ years) but would like to get married much earlier. His most recent ex (not the mother of his child) moved in, and the breakup understandably caused issues for his child.
I can’t help but feel like I’m having to deal with scars left by his past lovers, but also understand that humans learn through experience. I’m having trouble evaluating my situation and my needs but I know that I feel insecure and inadequate when he mentions things he did for love that he would no longer do for me.
Edit: I have called out these behaviours as they occurred (especially the friend thing) and he has profusely apologized, it hasn’t really come up after. We will be in infrequent contact for the following month, so I’m leaning towards ending things with him after that. It just sucks because he has been so respectful of my boundaries, and truly does remember small details/generally care about me in a way that other men haven’t. We have only been official for a few weeks, so I suspect it’s better to end it sooner rather than later.
28 comments
I’d hazard most people’s boundaries are boundaries they learned the hard way they should’ve had with their ex. That doesn’t mean you’re compatible with those boundaries.
Not letting you talk to his friends alone is a major issue. These are the men he trusts the most in the world and he doesn’t trust you to be around them? It makes me worried this insecurity will expand to the point where he’s blocking you from interacting with men platonically at all, which is not remotely reasonable.
It’s pretty sucky not to mention his allergy earlier. He let you get all excited about adopting and invested in this relationship before dropping the bomb. Lots of animal-lovers choose not to date people because of their allergies and that’s totally valid, but he didn’t give you the choice up-front.
That’s also a big age difference. Do your life goals lines up? Do you want kids? Does he want more kids? Do you want to be a stepmom? Based on US life expectancy, he’ll die 20 years before you do. You won’t even be able to enjoy retirement with him. Is growing old with a partner important to you?
There’s just a lot for you to consider here.
Not wanting you to talk to his friends without him around isn’t about protecting you. It’s about protecting him. I really don’t like the sound of that.
Having boundaries around pets, okay, but wanting to marry you years before you move in together is really, really weird. I do wonder whether he’s leading you on or just trying to “lock you down” on his terms with that one.
Yes, people learn from experience. He’s trying to control you and your life. And the age difference! Come on. You can’t find anyone your own age? He’s trying to groom you and you should start to see the red flags. Not letting you talk to his friends without him. Who the hell does he think he is. He sounds controlling and I’d dump him. Oh and he wants to get married but not move in yet. Yeah sounds normal?! (Sarcasm) find someone who won’t try and co trol you. Dump him and go get your kitty.
Ugh. Another huge age gap post.
Listen, this guy is TOO OLD for you. He’s rigid and he’s damaged. Find someone younger you can grow with. This will not get better – it will only get worse. Get out now.
OP, he’s dating a woman 15 years his junior with no relationship experience because it makes it easier to convince you things are normal when they’re not.
He’s using his divorce as an excuse to be controlling. Him being possessive over you and getting mad when you talk to other people without his involvement is a major warning sign for future isolation. If he has trust issues, he needs to deal with those in therapy and not project them onto you.
It’s also absurd that he wants to marry you but not live with you. This situation has red flags all over it and honestly I think that while you haven’t experienced trauma in relationships yet, you’re being set up to go through that now. If you want to stay with him, he needs to commit to therapy so that he can be a healthy partner to you. Currently he is not.
> However, I’ve noticed some issues that he has around introducing me to his friends, presumably because of how it ended in the past.
I just said this on another post, but insecure, controlling men aren’t made, they’re born. Or at least, they are not made of some singular “trauma” that overnight flipped them, with the power of a radioactive spider bite, from confident and mature and emotionally centered paragons of healthy masculinity into jealous manchildren.
> I can’t help but feel like I’m having to deal with scars left by his past lovers, but also understand that humans learn through experience.
This is **exactly** the problem with the power imbalance in the age gap here. He’s got you making excuses for his terrible behavior *for* him, because he’s just so much more experienced, and this just must be how experienced people behave, and I should just be quiet and learn from his presumably great wisdom.
If I were him, the reason I’d be scared of introducing my 25yo girlfriend to my other 40 year old friends is the sheer embarrassment of it.
This guy is not in a good headspace to be dating anyone. He’s controlling you and punishing you for something someone else did to him. This isn’t going to go to a good place.
>I can’t help but feel like I’m having to deal with scars left by his past lovers
That’s a reality with most people – we live, we learn.
There is nothing wrong with people having boundaries, _however_ this is a two-way street and you are entirely at liberty to say you aren’t happy with his boundaries and at least discuss compromises.
>does not like it when his friends and I have communication where he is not involved
This has roots in being “fair enough” but at the same time, we can all agree this is solely down to his Ex buggering off with someone else.
He wants control of the things that caused him harm previously, despite missing the point that you deserve to be trusted, to have agency in how you talk to people and a right to not be monitored every step of the way.
One thing I will state right here is that the more you accept these boundaries and give away your liberty and open everything up to him, this doesn’t actually mean he’ll necessarily still trust you.
It’s 100% possible he’ll just have paranoia regardless and believe you’ll have a _secret_ way of communicating – honestly I think you’ll find he needs therapy and counselling more than all these “boundaries”.
Being open and sharing things is fine. Having the equivalent of big brother going through your phone and messages and being “involved” in everything does have it’s limits however to the point it’s highly unhealthy.
Talk with him, think about this relationship and it’s many boundaries, decide if it’s for you and if you see a future with these kinds of limits.
He’s dating you because a woman his age would’ve told him to get the fuck on out of here with his bullshit.
Look, yes, relationships can absolutely cause trauma and cause you to set boundaries in future relationships. That is 100% true.
But it seems like he’s the one calling all the shots in your relationship and trying to blame it on his past relationships/how they ended – that’s not setting boundaries, that’s putting you in slowly boiling water to make you gradually give up control.
IF that’s true, if he really “needs” all of these things due to past relationships, then he shouldn’t be in a relationship again until he’s healed enough to allow for a relationship that’s a give-and-take, not just him dictating the terms of how everything’s going to be.
You feel “insecure and inadequate” because that is how he’s trying to make you feel. You deserve better than this, and I hope you see that.
Relationships with an age gap of 12+ years where one or both have children from prior relationships have a 95% failure rate. Everyone wants to think they’re in the 5% but it’s already clear that you’re not.
Men that date women half their age are usually defective and not worth getting attached to
Usually I don’t comment on age gap relationships because my husband is 8 years older than me but girl. This is 15 years difference and he’s controlling you. He’s literally chosen someone like you with little to no experience so he can control you and so you think this is normal. Controlling behavior (REGARDLESS OF AGE GAPS!!) is not okay and not normal and I’d peace out sooner rather than later. It always escalates.
The age gap is a red flag, but I’m sure you know that so I won’t re-hash it.
But him policing your conversations with his friends is an even more massive red flag. People who do that are often trying to hide their pasts from their SO.
Get the cat.
*reads the ages*
*puts down phone and groans*
RE: Your last sentence
You suspect correctly
>This is my first real relationship
And yet it isn’t.
probably cause you’re closer in age to his kid than him so he views you as a child that can’t be ‘trusted’.
just get out. you really want to be changing his diapers not long after you’re done changing your own kids?
Genuine question with absolutely no judgement here, I’m just very curious about this: why are you dating a 40 year old?
It doesn’t sound like he is in a very healthy place right now. It also sounds like you two are at wildly different stages of life. Not a good match.
He is with you because you are a child he can manipulate and mold to his will.
Stop dating men who were in high school when you were born 😭
>**My (25F) BF (40M)** has way more rigid boundaries with me than he did with his exes. How should I address this with him? submitted by ThrowRA6272737
Red flag.
>**This is my first real relationship** and he is certainly more experienced (has a child with his ex wife, has been in a long relationship since the divorce), so I’m aware of some initial imbalance going in.
Red flag.
>**I’ve noticed some issues that he has around introducing me to his friends […] is visibly protective of me around his friends, and does not like it when his friends and I have communication where he is not involved.**
Red flag.
>When we initially started dating, he mentioned in passing the cat he had with his ex wife. I mentioned my love of cats and intention to adopt. He now revealed that he is allergic […] I will obviously not get a cat if it means poor health for him.
Get the cat. He doesn’t intend to move in together for at least five years (never going to happen). Get the cat.
>Finally, **he is firm about not moving in together until his child is moved out (5+ years) but would like to get married much earlier**. His most recent ex (not the mother of his child) moved in, and the breakup understandably caused issues for his child.
He wants to get MARRIED but not live with you … for the child’s sake? Red flag.
>We have only been official for a few weeks
GOOD. Get out of there.
I’m close to his age (37) and have been through a divorce with a child.
I do not have anything in common with a never married, childless, 20 something year old. Because of that, I would never date one.
He should not be dating you. You’re not exactly “too young” but you’re borderline. Plus, the experiences in life are far too different.
You have no idea the things you can and SHOULD experience in life at 25. He is an anchor holding you down, keeping you from some really awesome experiences. Don’t let him. Cut your losses. Find someone without 15+ years of trauma on you.
Babe… He’s dating you because you’re easy to bend and bow you to his will. He’s already doing it. It’s all about him him him him…. It’s all I read. It’s never YOU and never US. This is a lost cause and I seriously advice you to get yourself a same/close aged partner because this is a disaster in the making and he’s using others as an excuse, which means he will never hold himself accountable in any situation
Oh look, another age gap story where the man is respectful and the girl is truly mature! How happy they are!
Wait….
Others have touched on the more serious points of your story. I will just say I hope you adopt a cat!! When you are ready find a wonderful person who is not allergic to them.
age.