My GF will frequently isolate herself from me, not in the typical “I need some alone time”, but more of a pouting huff situation. Basically, she’ll pout, storm off, then get upset if I dont drag her back with me even while she’s saying she wants me to give her space. If we have some minor argument she will walk into the bedroom or home office and stay there until I “go get her”. At first, I believed she just wanted to cool off or sort through her feelings. At first I would give her some time/space then ask if she wanted to talk and shed say she wanted to be left alone. So I would leave her alone. Eventually, she’d come out and be angry that I didnt “try harder to talk to her”. Lately I’ve just gotten fed up with it and when she storms off in a huff when its particularly late, I’ll just go to bed instead of playing games. During one of these “episodes” she slept on the couch for three nights (I didnt acknowledge or comment about it at all). Finally she asked when I was going to “invite her back to our bedroom”. I never kicked her out in the first place. Is there a name for this kind of behavior? It seems like its some sort of test about her being “worth fighting for” or something, frustrating as all hell.
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I used to do this in my last relationship. Personally it’s cause it felt validating in some strange way that my ex cared enough to soothe me. It’s like in some weird twisted way, it meant that he cared enough about me to seek me out and make things okay. I’ve grown out it, through some therapy and self love, just validating myself and not needing it in an external way. There’s nothing bad with needing reassurance, this is just an unhealthy way of approaching and needing that reassurance that our partners love us and care about us even during the tough times. Hope this helps somehow 🙂 edited to add that this is just a conversation you guys need to have, when she’s cooled off, see if there’s any way you guys can implement and practice health ways of reassurance.
Why does she do it? Because her body may be 40 but she stopped maturing mentally around age 12.
What can you do about it? First you can try talking to her at a calm time and tell her that this behavior is immature and toxic. That you are open to talking anything out like adults but you won’t be “chasing” her to do so; she can have as much space as she needs, and it’s her responsibility to return when she’s ready. Stick to it, too. If she doesn’t stop, insist on relationship counseling.
She’s immature, I would never waste my time asking for someone that’s having a tantrum to talk to me. She sounds exhausting and life is too short to deal with that type of manipulation.
Have a problem? Discuss it, resolve it, move forward.
Yes, the name for what she is doing is called “[crazymaking](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/counseling-keys/201403/how-handle-crazymaker).” It’s setting up a no-win situation for a person: If you give her space, she’s mad at you for not dragging her back. But when you go in to talk to her, she says she wants her alone time. Crazymaking is emotional abuse and it’s very bewildering. Setting a person up to lose all the time is at is core a way to try to get that person to chase the abuser’s approval and anticipate their every need and grovel in order to get back into their good graces?
It’s called dating a 40 y/o toddler 🙄
That level of immaturity sounds exhausting
She’s a child playing childish games. Next time she pulls that crap, leave her. That’s au she gets all the space she needs.
Is there a name for this kind of behavior? Yes. stupid
My ex wife also communicated primarily with slammed doors and passive aggression.
Dump her, she sucks.
1. Acknowledge not encourage the behavior
2. Invite her to reengage if she changes her mind
3. Disengage from her
A 40yr old is too old to play these games.
Edit: Most people including those with personality disorders just want to be heard; therefore, Acknowledgement is the most important step. Let her know you’ve heard her, but you won’t respond to her because you’ve set the boundary that her behavior is unacceptable.
Had an ex like this. It didn’t stop there, tho. Had to beg to make him stay, to come back, to come with me somewhere. “I just want to feel wanted. It’s sexy.” I went through with it a couple times after arguments, but after that, I reminded him I’m not here to be his mommy. He didn’t change his behaviors, and after a few other things I got sick off, broke it off. This is immature, childish behavior to keep you focused on their needs, and not to prioritize your own.
40 years old and doing this shit, insane 🤦🏾
I had to double check the age here, because for a second i thought you were in a relationship with a moody teen.
Others already told you what this is called and gave you helpful links.
Reevaluate your relationship with her and then sit her down to talk.
Because it worked on her parents when she was a little kid.
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‘Negative attention-seeking behavior’.
Mental disorder. It’s abuse. I will not “ guess” what wrong with you. Either you tell me or stay mad. If you tell me your cold there’s nothing I can do for you. If you tell me you need a blanket I can fix it. If you need a fire started I can fix it. If you tell me you want pasta I can fix it. Im not going to guess what’s bothering someone.
Tell her that she doens’t have a realist grasp on how proper, healthy relationships work and that if she doesn’t immediately seek help, your relationship is doomed.
So is sit her down and tell her your not chasing her everytime she gets upset. She can talk it out or you’ll assume everytime there is no problem. Then follow through. Dont respond to her fits or comments at all, dont acknowledge anything but polite,civil, respectful conversation.
Give it three chances and if she cant act like a mature adult..I would seriously consider a break up. You cannot love and live happily with someone who needs to be coddled and babied, begged and pleaded with, every single time they are abit miffed.
Yes most people like knowing their partner cares even when arguing with eachother. But only children pout and then whine for attention.
Certainly needs to learn some better communication skills, and awareness of what she feels and wants and what is reasonable to expect from others, and possibly also therapy for underlying stuff.
I learnt the most about understanding this sort of behaviour from this book
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703
Many of the examples in it are not nearly as severe as the title might suggest. Some seem like fairly normally dysfunctional families if you see what I mean. Situations like where people expect to have their minds read, or to have things offered to them rather than to ask, and why these are dysfunctional learned behaviour that many people can unlearn.
Why does she do this? Childishness & control issues. If you break first & go to talk to her she “won” in a sense (how these people think – you bending first means you lost control of the situation). It is absolutely a test. My response would be “I told you I was happy to talk to you when you were ready, you said you wanted space so I did you the courtesy of trusting that a 40 year old adult knows their own limits & needs. Believing what you tell me is *respectful*, I was only in another room if you wanted to speak to me.”
She is way too old for that shit. I did that in my 20’s and I learned that if I had to test the person I was with, or be tested, neither of us belonged in the relationship.
>Basically, she’ll pout, storm off, then get upset if I dont drag her back with me even while she’s saying she wants me to give her space
This is a Toxic spill of a person who you really need to either get Therapy for to deal with her issues in a better way, or shouldn’t be with.
>At first I would give her some time/space then ask if she wanted to talk and shed say she wanted to be left alone. So I would leave her alone. Eventually, she’d come out and be angry that I didnt “try harder to talk to her”. Lately I’ve just gotten fed up with it and when she storms off in a huff when its particularly late, I’ll just go to bed instead of playing games.
You have this 100% down pat – these are ridiculous childish and stupid games she’s playing.
This is the whole “I asked if you wanted pizza, you said no, then got upset I didn’t offer you pizza” kind of thing that drives people insane.
Don’t play stupid games or you’ll win stupid prizes. If she _wants_ space, go get space. You want to talk, then talk.
She sounds exhausting. I’d have tired of this long ago.
OP, I’m going to be blunt: she’s too old to be engaging in that kind of behaviour, and you’re too old to be putting up with it.
This is incredibly childish for a 40 year old women. Tell her to grow the hell up and start acting like an adult. You should honestly think if you want to deal with this women for the rest of your life.
yeah, there is a name for it.. it’s called “being childish”
my ex was like that.. she would grunt one syllable answers, and then get upset that I didn’t try “harder” to get her to talk?
like.. I’m not going to talk at you, and I’m perfectly fine with silence.
we’re no longer together.
You’re being abused. Leave
You’re dating a 40 year old teenage girl
She probably won’t grow up at this stage
It’s this, or nothing. Nothing is better I reckon.
Yeah it’s called childish…she’s 40 for freaking sake!!!
Come on, I lost it as I saw your age. Get out, move on.
It’s all about control and manipulation and is not healthy for a relationship because it’s the opposite of open and honest communication. It’s one thing to take space to work things through before talking to your partner and this is not it.
I used to do this shit when I was younger – I’m currently in remission for borderline personality disorder. Not trying to give an armchair diagnosis, just telling you like it is.
In my twisted mind, it gave me validation that he wasn’t going to leave me. Therapy helped a ton and I communicate now instead of acting like this. Good luck!
Maybe she doesn’t feel very wanted or secure in general. That’s what it sounds like to me
She is a moron of the common garden variety. Sounds very exhausting.
Not a psychologist, but I am diagnosed with BPD. This behavior sounds like it may be a classic case of undiagnosed/untreated BPD. Bpd is caused by childhood trauma and I would definitely encourage her to see a psychiatrist and therapist to get help regardless of what could be causing this behavior. It’s manipulative and abusive frankly. Bpd is completely treatable, but it takes medication and intense DBT therapy to cope with things in a healthy way, change toxic behaviors and have healthy relationships obviously I can’t diagnose her, but I think DBT therapy would benefit her regardless of her diagnosis or issues.