Are any of you paying your parents bills already?

35 comments

1. What about living together in a smaller apartment instead of paying 2 separate rents?

2. I hate to be the one to say it, but *no one* is going to hire a 69yo into HR.

3. Ha! I have a wife and two kids. I’m not paying for my mother’s bills…she made her life decisions and has to live with them. This economy sucks.

4. Your mother’s social security benefit should be around $40,000/yr. Plus whatever she *should* have in her retirement. Why are you even helping her? That’s more than enough money for a studio apartment and living expenses.

   Also, no. Not helping my parents. Never will.

5. >How do I convince her to downsize? She has to rent a house and has to live in her city in Florida. She won’t move to live with me or anything like that. Not to mentio n I’m single and dating so.. ugh. Supposedly she’s selling her jewelry and antique furniture and all that sort of stuff. Her rent is $1800 for a small house so I’m not even sure she could find a one bedroom apartment for much less she got a really good covid deal. But I don’t know her area.

   You make it an ultimatum. “If I’m going to continue supporting you, here are the terms, take them or leave them.” And then be prepared to let her leave them if that’s what she chooses.

6. Sounds like decisions need to be made. If she is unwilling to bend then cut her off. You are paying for those things not her. So it is your choice what happens. I really don’t get this attitude. You can’t have it both ways. if you are not responsible, and paying your own way, then you don’t get to make choices. But the issue is if she allowed it to get to this place, she believes there won’t really be those consequences, as someone else will deal with it. So likely the only way she is going to learn is to allow her to fall and see what it is like when you stop sending that money. The reason people act like this is there is always someone that comes along and picks them up when they fuck up. They need to face the consequences of the life they created. But again it is very easy to say but it isn’t easy to do to someone like a mother. It is the same thing people do with their kids. Over and over they get propped up and then you end up with a 30 year old adult child who can barely function because they didn’t learn to do that on their own.

7. I had to take in my parents into my home since Covid. They lost a lot of money due to Covid. I’m single and no kids. It’s very hard not having my own space and privacy but I couldn’t leave them to live on the streets as that was the only other option. It sucks but something I’ve had to come to terms with. I’m moving soon and decided they need to be in their own place and me in my own place. I’ll still have to pay for that and most of their living expenses. Times are tough for many people, you just have to do the best you can.

8. I don’t think many people here are paying their parents full bills. You’re in a unique situation because your mother is horrible with money and you are enabling the lifestyle by paying the bills. My parents options would be to move in with someone in the family or get no support.

   I’d say the odds of her finding a job that will cover her costs are low, and you should accept the reality that the issue can only get worse, rents will go up, she will get older and more dependant on you, the issue can only resolve itself if you put your foot down.

9. Don’t pay her bills. She should learn to live within her means. Social security, Medicaid, and welfare. I’m dealing with the exact same issue with my parents and if you keep helping them, they will never budget nor have any incentive to sell their house or rent where they can actually afford.

10. If you’re paying her rent, she doesn’t get to dictate *where* or *how* she lives.

    Honestly, I’d cut her off.

11. This is very unfortunate. You would think someone that’s in their 60’s, has advanced degrees, and was making good money, would have set themselves up financially for the long term.

12. First rule of giving money to friends and family, never expect it will be paid back, and thus give accordingly.

    Let her know, that you can’t risk compromising your own future, so she’s going to have to move in with you if she needs to depend on you. You can play this as either putting your future kids (her grandkids) in the same position, or that you don’t have children to bail you out, whichever matches your expectations.

    If she’s looking for a job, set a deadline to give her some time. Emphasize that you want to help her and hate having to ask her to compromise, but that you need to find the best way to support both of your lives.

    Your mom living with you will play in dating however you represent it. Do you want to date someone that is turned off by the caring, capable, provider son?

13. Paying my parents’ bills? It’s all I can do to pay ***my*** bills.

14. I tried to tell my mom as my dad was dying she needs to sell the house. Her finances didn’t make sense long term. My sister said “absolutely not. This is the house dad wanted her to have”. So she and I went back and forth about using logic to figure this out and, in the end, my mom is still there.

    She has no chance. She keeps trying to get me to come over and “take a look at my heat it’s not working”. Mom, I’m a nerd. I don’t have mechanical skills like that. I could probably swap out your ceiling fan. You’re gonna have to call an HVAC guy. “I can’t afford that” 😑

    I think later this summer I’m going to open up the conversation again. My sister isn’t really in the picture anymore. My brother manages her bank accounts. She literally has no adulting skills.

15. > How do I convince her to downsize?

    Stop paying her rent.

16. Have you sat down together and looked at her expenses and income? Where is she spending her ss money? If she’s selling her things, where is the money going? It just sounds like she hasn’t changed her lifestyle to match her financial situation and is living like everything is fine. How was she supporting herself before?

17. Yeah right. I have my own family to support. If she made choices to lead her into this position, that’s her fault. I would help where I could, but I’m not supporting another adult.

18. We’re paying a lot of my mother-in-law’s expenses. She’s nearly 90 (her mother lived to be over 100) and is getting dementia. Has a paltry pension and social security income, very little in savings. Divorced decades ago, never had a great job, no education, no house. Living with us is constant arguing, so we’re moving her into a(mostly) independent living facility, partially at our expense. We’re lucky to be comfortable now, but I hate to imagine what the future will bring. Real assisted living is *absurdly* expensive, and memory care is even worse.

19. I would let my mother live with me and eat my groceries, because I would expect the same if I needed help and she housed and fed me for 21 years, but I won’t ever pay her bills.

20. You need to sit down with her and all her finances. All her assets (pensions, retirement, etc), all her bills (liabilities).

    >work very high paying (250-300k+) defense contractor jobs.

    Those that I’ve know that have worked for defense contractors especially at your mothers age, have pretty decent pensions. In addition to that she’s 69 and can take Social Security.

    What I’m saying here is that she likely has sources which will pay her multiple thousands of dollars a month, but isn’t because she wants to live the fantasy she’s going to re-enter the workforce at a high rate of pay. **This means she likely has money to pay her rent and living expenses, but is using YOURS instead**.

    If she refuses to show you all her books and accounts, cut her off. If you find she has these pensions and accounts and refuses to use it, cut her off. The only leverage you have is you paying her bills. Sadly it sounds like you’ll have to use that to get her to face reality today.

21. Yes, I pay, but nowhere as much as you.

    You’re understandably bitter. If she doesn’t work, the only reasonable solution is for her to live with you. Just outright tell her that you can’t keep paying, or that you’re about to be broke. Maybe even tell her that you tried to get a loan from a bank but they refused just so she realizes how bad it’s getting.

    If you don’t want her to live with you then I guess the only solution is to find some place cheaper but appropriate for her. Best of luck.

22. As long as you enable this behavior, it will continue.

23. There’s a heavy cultural component in play here, so take any advice you get with a grain of salt.

    In my family, my parents expected to take care of me until I moved out, and then they were responsible for their retirement and I was responsible for maintaining my independent life. They would lean towards giving me money if I ran into trouble, but they would be mortified to ask **me** for money. That’s a very white, non-immigrant Canadian lens, so YMMY.

    My parents would first sell their home and downsize to the maximum degree before coming to me for help. They would burn through their retirement savings and look for public assistance programs before”becoming a burden”.

    Your mom clearly doesn’t see it that way. Maybe that’s part of your culture, or maybe not. From my lens, she had a blessed life and pissed away all the resources she amassed, then had the nerve to come ask you to keep funding her unrealistic lifestyle. How does someone make north of 200k a year (presumably for many years) and not have ample retirement savings? How do they not own their home?

    Money loaned to anybody is never, ever a loan. It’s a gift. Don’t expect to get it back, because you won’t. If someone is in a situation where they need to borrow money from a friend (and not a bank with terms), it’s because they’re struggling. People don’t emerge from a struggle like that with enough extra cash to **repay** loans. They might be able to finally cover their own ongoing bills and that’s about it.

    It sounds to me like you need to have a serious talk with your mom about lifestyle. The bits you’ve shared sound like she has a lack of ability to think and plan in the long term. That will only get worse. Unless you are happy to keep funding her lifestyle, you need to throw up some boundaries, ultimatums, and stick to them. She can’t keep selling furniture and jewelry forever, nor expect to waltz into a high paying corporate job to resume a large income.

24. Have you considered trying to apply for housing through the state for her? She would be eligible for it or other benefit programs. Look into affordable housing for senior citizens. I agree with alot of ppl are saying that you need to set rules and boundaries with your mom. Are you an only child? No siblings?

25. Hang on a minute, she was working at jobs paying 250-300k and didn’t own her own house? Where did all the money go?

26. Let her figure it out.

27. I help a little but. But both my parents themselves gave me money, so I made a separate bank accountjust for their house.

28. It’s up to you and your boundaries

29. If she needs your help, she has to accept it on your terms. I would do anything for my mom, but I also know that if she did need to become financially dependent on me, she would do everything in her power to minimize the burden.

30. My mom moved in with me after a health problem. She is better now but I’m basically supporting her now. She works but makes minimum wage and is lucky to have a really crappy health insurance.

    I’m ok with this as I love her and she doesn’t have any retirement savings or pension or anything.

31. really time to cut her off when she had used to make 200k. that kind of financial irresponsibility is ridiculous with 2 masters

32. Shouldn’t she be getting retirement / social security by now?

33. Didn’t see anyone respond to your question on assisted living, but my dad is in a very new place near Hartford CT and it costs just shy of $5k with the leve of care he needs. Room and board is $4,400 and at care level 1 (the lowest) it’s another $450. Prices have increased significantly in the first few years and level of care provided by staff has decreased because they’ve had lots of turnover. Used to be a few nurses on staff at all times, now just one licensed nurse and lots of med techs. Also have had about 3 new exec directors in about 3 years, same with other high level staff.

    I’d say when you get to this point, pay close attention to contracts and ask for detailed care assessment reports. The first apartment contract had a term limiting annual increase to 3% or so. My dad wanted to change rooms about 2 months after he moved in and suddenly that term was missing from the new contract but I was able to get them to put it back in. Has already saved hundreds of dollars a month with their annual increases. But they also conveniently forget about the increase cap each time and I have to remind them.

    As for care level assessments, there have been times when they’ve raised his care level for unjustifiable reasons, effectively wanting to charge several hundred more based on a scored assessment. But then when we looked at where the points for his score came from, a few were complete bs, others were out of date, sometimes the math just didn’t work, etc. And they doubled the cost for all care levels late last year, with my dad being @ L1 – $450, all the way to L5 – $3,200, and L6 cost being based on the assessment of the individual.

    My takeaway is to start figuring out how your mom is going to pay for it now. Like severely cutting back on her living expenses. My dad is lucky that he has any retirement at all (terrible planner). And if your mom can’t afford assisted living then she might have to go to a nursing home instead as they take reimbursement from Medicare.

    My last point is do what you can to maintain your sanity. I took over all of my dad’s financials when he moved into assisted living and his complete lack of agency has lead to a lot of resentment in me. As much as you can figure this stuff out in advance, the better for her *and you*.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really freaking hard to take care of aging parents but so much more so when they’ve put themselves in a terrible financial position.

34. What are her total assets? Is she Medicaid eligible (<$2000)? If so, you can at least get her medical taken care of. As for rent, $1800/mo. is absurd with her lack of funds. That’s the first thing to change. There are subsidized apartments that are income dependent for older people, many of them are quite nice and should be about half the price. Some of these are religion-based housing; I know there are some Lutheran apt complexes for older people which have very nice income-based subsidies.

    If she’s not willing to move, you’re going to have to limit the amount of money you provide, say maybe to $1000/2000 per month, depending on what you can afford, and let her flounder for a month or two until she comes to the reality that she needs to downsize.

35. Hilarious. In the same boat as are many of my friends. We finally became “successful” making 100k at 30 and our moms want rent paid, Mac cards, etc. And we’re all renting unable to afford a house let alone start a family. Sister is after me too “family helps family”