A short backstory:
We’ve been dating for almost 6 months till now. At first its just a hook up but we agreed to date exclusively but not a committed relationship because both of us aren’t ready.
He is very consistent, sweet, caring and loving. He fell in love with me but I didn’t at first because I wanted to break up. He was really determined and fixed our problems and I eventually fell in love with him.
Current problem:
He started going out more, being with his friends, going to clubs and bar. It was fine for me, im glad he’s happy. Until he told me he wants us to still date but not exclusively. Meaning we would still focus on each other but we can hook up with other. Basically like an open relationship. He wants to experience things because he missed out a lot as a teen and is going away soon to pursue college somewhere.
At first, I agreed because why not, he still loves me and maybe I want to explore too. We are just not allowed to say what we did with others nor form an emotional bond with others.
Its going fine. He is still very consistent, sweet, caring and loving like a boyfriend till now. Please note this is why i havent broken it off lol he really is such a good boyfriend material.
Until one day, he called our thing as a relationship while i said no its not like a real relationship. Because its we arent “bf and gf” and we arent exclusive. We had an argument and after that I realized that its weird that he treats me as a girlfriend when we arent exclusive. I know open relationships are a thing but I realized its not for me. At first, I wanted to explore but as time goes by, I figured i dont want to at all. While he still wants to do it.
We had a fight. I told him I want to stop the open relationship because I am uncomfortable. He says we can still do the open relationship but im not obligated to hook up with others. I told him my love and pride can’t handle that because I like him too much and I dont wanna see him with others.
I gave him some choices so we can fix this.
1. Take a month off break – we wont talk for a month while he explores after that we will go back to being exclusive.
Cons: I might fall out of love and theres no guarantee that ill still have the energy to fix the dying love.
2. Be exclusive again
3. Stop being in love with each other altogether.
Cons: throwing away all of the bond and memories that we had but i figured its for the best.
Back to the story.
He agreed to be exclusive because he loves me and doesnt want me to disappear from his life, yet I just dont feel like he wants it since he just has no choice. he keeps making jokes about not being exclusive and not getting girls because of me.
I feel guilty and selfish but also its unfair. We promised to always go back to being exclusive as soon as someone felt uncomfortable so why is he acting like this. But other than that he is still the same caring loving and sweet guy.
How do i fix this please? We really don’t want to throw this bond that we have.
TLDR: We madly love one another and i felt uncomfortable about not dating exclusively so he agreed to be exclusive but he is acting right now as if he doesnt want to exclusive.
7 comments
>this is why i havent broken it off lol he really is such a good boyfriend material.
Not.
Opening monogamous relationships and “breaks” are such garbage, IMO. Far more relationships fail with these than are ever “fixed”.
And, please, do not take this the wrong way but YOU’RE ONLY 19. “We’ve been dating for almost 6 months till now.” WHAT MEMORIES???
God, I hate hookup culture. Destroying lives.
Hun, know your worth.
This isn’t your life.
You don’t. Believe me, you’re young and although it feels like the best boyfriend in the world, he really isn’t and you’ll meet so many new people who don’t want to sleep with other women.
Did you actually date other people ? If you didn’t then you should or he wont respect you and will have no incentive to quit fucking around.
He’s probably not as “in love” with you as you say/think he is.
He’s acting like that because he dont want to be exclusive and wants to date around. No matter what, one of you is going to be disappointed whether you’re in an open relationship or exclusive. Even if you take a break for a month, how do you know he will want to stop after that?
Also if he’s going to college soon, what’s going to happen to the relationship? Long distance relationships are harder and I doubt he will want to be exclusive when hes in college. I think breaking up is the best option.
I mean, he clearly doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you. You have to decide if you wanna stick around and be backup.
Before I met my ex, I refused to commit to anyone. I would date but I would not be exclusive and I was very open about that. I met my ex and we discussed on the second date that we were not anything serious but rather “just having fun”.
But I was falling in love, and so was she.
I met my ex right before I turned 26. I had gone on **my first date ever** 5 months prior to meeting her. I was raised very sheltered/isolated and had only begun to redefine my life and break out of the shell of my upbringing a couple of years before I met my ex. I missed out on TONS of experiences. I had a single-digit bodycount. I got ghosted by the first girl I kissed because I was so bad (I literally had to ask a different girl to teach me how to kiss). I had my first drink at 24. I had been to 1 party (as in party with people my age, music and alcohol) once in my life. I had only one close friend.
I’m telling you all this to give you an idea of how much I miss out on and how many experiences I never had. My goal when I first made the decision to try to date was to make up for all the experiences on which I had missed out – and a huge part of that was sleeping with girls. I had restrained my insatiable sex drive my entire life due to religious reasons and I had finally decided to stop fighting it. For me, this definitely meant I could not be in a committed relationship. As I stated above, however, I was falling in love with my ex.
We were together two months before I asked her to be exclusive, and I waited so long only because she kept making remarks about how she wasn’t looking for anything serious (though her actions indicated otherwise). I could not stand the idea that she could be kissing someone else, cuddling someone else, sleeping in someone else’s bed, and with that thought all my desire to ~make up for missed experiences~ sleep around with lots of girls vanished.
Perhaps your boyfriend is poly and truly loves you while needing other partners – but that’s not what he said. He wants to keep you while sleeping with others. Does he have a plan for what will happen if one of you catches feelings for a sexual partner? Does he realize that you will likely have many more opportunities for hookups than he does – and is he prepared to deal with that in a mature manner? He just wants to sleep around and keep his girlfriend. Maybe he truly isn’t the jealous type and doesn’t mind if you have multiple partners (though I doubt it, since he’s only proposing this arrangement in light of his desire to sleep with other girls.)
Let’s shift focus away from him though. What he wants really doesn’t matter; what **you** want matters. Do you want an open relationship or an exclusive relationship? Do you want a guy who doesn’t care if you are seeing other guys or do you want a guy who would be heartbroken if you even suggested such an idea? Are you comfortable monogamy or polyamory?
This guy is not for you if you want monogamy. He’s not the right one for you if you want someone who understands what you want and takes it into account instead of pressuring you to fall in line with a new rule he invented.