My (22m) girlfriend (24m) and I met through video games and started a long distance relationship going on a year and a half. As we live about an 8 hour flight away from each other we have had to spend months apart at times. We met up for our fourth time a couple months ago and spent 2 weeks together. For a very long time before this I had been seeing signs and red flags which I ignored. Going in depth about it would take a very long time but this is the most blatant instance. For the longest time it had been in the back of my mind that she wasn’t faithful but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. On the third day of this trip however I let my doubts get the better of me and went through her phone while she was in the shower. The very first thing that I checked was her snapchat conversation with her ex hook up. I immediately saw a message telling him that they should have sex again. This message was from 2 weeks into our relationship, which was about a month before we first met up. I immediately confronted her about it and broke up with her. I was stuck living with her for another week and a half and as you might expect we made up and I decided to continue the relationship. Her current explanation is that she didn’t remember saying that and that it was probably all “just talk”. She keeps going back and forth on whether or not she truly intended to go through with the plans. In the messages she also planned on having another girl (who she selected) involved. This planning shows me that she did intend on going through with it as she wouldn’t involve another person if it was all talk. I’m extremely hurt and have for the past 2 months been in an extremely dark place mentally. I dream about her cheating on me at least twice a week and the messages replay in my head constantly. My question is this. Since it was so early into our relationship and we didn’t see each other until a month later, is this excusable? Is it possibly that she just didn’t think our relationship would be as serious as it ended up being? She had strict expectations for me from the get-go which gave me the assumption that we were in a committed relationship from the start. I am almost 100% certain that she has been loyal to me in recent months. Most of the red flags came before that and our relationship has become much stronger. But now seeing these messages makes me doubt everything. I love her and I would do absolutely anything for her, but the pain hasn’t gone away in the 2 months since I read those messages. Has anyone gone through anything similar and what have you found to be helpful to deal with these terrible thoughts and dreams? Is it plausible that her story is true and that it was really just all talk? Also if it did happen physically, is it worth overlooking because it happened to far in the past? Thanks to anyone for the help.
5 comments
It sucks. But if they’re willing to cheat on you from literally close enough to day one, what’s to stop them from cheating on you when you hit some rough patches? They’ve already proven they don’t respect you and are capable of it.
Absolutely do not overlook it. All you’re telling them is “I can get away with anything I want to with this guy.” And don’t believe her explanations. The thing about cheaters is they lie. After you’re screwing around on your partner what’s lying to them, right? They never take responsibility and try to misdirect and shift blame.
It’s already effecting you. You’re never going to forget and those images will be in your head daily if you stay with her.
You obviously break up with her. Cheating is cheating and my bet is this isn’t the first time.
She was ready to cheat from the beginning….why stay?
The time makes no difference – 1 hour or ten years is irrelevant when you just find out. Don’t make excuses for her – she was the one setting strict rules.
If she had come clean with no excuses I would understand considering giving the relationship another shot. You know she is lying: “Her current explanation is that she didn’t remember saying that and that it was probably all just talk” is very very obvious BS. Since she can’t come clean you can’t trust and and you should end things.
Bro, there’s no statute of limitations for cheating.
Given that she gave you the impression that this was a serious committed relationship from the getgo, there’s even less excuse for it.
It sucks, it’s painful, but you need to leave her, heal and move on.
You will earn self respect because right now, you’re telling her and yourself that you deserve to be treated like shit. That’s why you went back to her.