hi, i’m (35M) struggling right now with my relationship with my wife (33F).
she recently asked for a “trial separation” out of the blue in mid April, and it turns out that she has been cheating on me for the last month or so.
last night she caught me snooping through her instagram, and i have been for the past month. i’ve been reading their messages about their sexcapades and all that. it has been quite a painful experience.
so now she says that i violated her trust (which i understand) and wants a divorce. i’m not sure how to go about this. i don’t want a divorce, but she makes it seems like my snooping is worse than her cheating.
what are your guys thoughts?
and also, does anyone have any insight as to why i want things to go back to normal so badly instead of getting all pissed off?
16 comments
My thoughts are that she is manipulating you. 100% document what you found and it use it during the divorce. Why would you want to stay with someone who is cheating on you and is trying to make you the bad guy for digging? RUN DUDE
***and also, does anyone have any insight as to why i want things to go back to normal so badly instead of getting all pissed off?*** You are hoping to wake up from a bad dream and not facing reality. Unless you desire an open marriage, things will never go back to normal. You will never forget what she has done and will never trust her again. Do not accept under any circumstances that this is your fault. She is cheating on you and has been for some time. She is mad because she got caught, not because you violated her trust. And now she is throwing divorce at you? She throw the marriage away, not you. What about the marriage vows she took? They meant nothing to her. You need to contact a lawyer and see what your options are. She should move out to give you time to think through what you want to do. So far, she is not even showing remorse. She liked the comfort and security of your home while she had sexcapades with other guys. Sorry OP. You should get tested for SDI. If kids, have them DNA tested to see if you are the father.
Edit: You should post this on the infidelity sub.
Check out r/asoneafterinfidelity
So she cheated and you want to stay married to her?
You need IC and a lawyer, I hope you learn to be happy on your own skin.
>does anyone have any insight as to why i want things to go back to normal so badly instead of getting all pissed off
It’s called rug sweeping. I’m guessing you’ve wanted a lot of problems in your marriage to just go away. Instead of working on them. You’re going to end up a bitter person if you don’t work through what happened to you. Months or years later, it’s going to come back to haunt you.
>so now she says that i violated her trust
Hahahahahaha! I hope you laughed in her face!
Oh dear I’m so sorry, this post is heartbreaking. She does not seem like a nice woman, I think you should let her go. You deserve so much better.
You violated her trust. That’s laughable. Head for a lawyer and start the divorce process. You want to pretend this didn’t happen and rug sweep her infidelity till the next time. Expose her cheating to everyone. Send proof. Is your wife’s boyfriend married? Expose him too. Marriage is over.
I’m just gonna say it: DO NOT STAY WITH A CHEATER.
The reason you want to stay with your wife is because you still love her and haven’t yet accepted the reality of your situation. Another reason could be that you’re afraid to be single.
But ask yourself – is it better to be single or to be with someone you can’t trust, someone who will gaslight you, and someone who will continuously grind down your self-worth and confidence?
You want things to go back to normal because that’s how brains are wired.
The “get angrier” technique she’s using is just her attempt to shift the blame onto you. She wants to end your marriage but she doesn’t want her cheating to be the catalyst, so she’s blaming it on you. I’m not saying there weren’t other issues in your marriage before the surprise trial separation, because clearly something was not right, but this particular action is pure deflection.
Grow a pair and kick this cheating bitch out of your life. Dude – you read about her fucking another dude for a month before saying anything. WTF man?
I am sorry that you are going through this.
Unfortunately – or fortunately, your marriage is over. Bite the bullet, divorce, and move on.
Gotta have some self-respect, man. Stop being a doormat. Just get a lawyer and give her the divorce papers. She is scum
Get the divorce
YOU violated HER trust?!? lol …gaslighting 101.
Oh dear. Get outta there and free yourself up to find happiness in your own space. She sounds like she sucks.
And get into therapy. Idk the whole story but somewhere, somehow, you lost the drive to stand up to people who hurt you. You deserve to have a spine!
My ex did this. Accused me of violating his trust when I caught him cheating the first time. Pretended that my snooping was WAY worse than him completely obliterating our marriage vows. Note that… the first time. I forgave him, because we had kids. We had a family. The problem with that is most people who cheat will cheat again. And he did. If you manage to work things out, don’t be shocked if your wife just keeps on cheating.
The reason you want things to go back to normal is that you were comfortable there. I’m sad this has happened to you.