for context, i (19F) am a freshman in college living in the dorms. i’ve already changed roommates once this year, because i was in a pretty bad situation, and i only have a month left of school so i’m trying to count my blessings. unlike my last roommate, this roommate (20F) is pretty friendly towards me, which i appreciate, but she does some things that make me uncomfortable/annoy me a bit.
for starters, i’m an introvert and i’m neurodivergent (probably on the spectrum but never diagnosed). after classes/other stuff, i generally just want alone time to recharge. i thought that since she’s also autistic, she’d understand, but almost every time i’m in the room she starts long conversations with me, and she tends to overshare at least in my opinion. i really don’t want to have problems with another roommate so i haven’t had the courage to try and set boundaries with her, but i realize i need to try and do it soon.
my biggest problem with her is that whenever i leave to spend the night with my boyfriend, she gets visibly upset and will make snide remarks that make me uncomfortable. she also recently messaged me in the middle of the night when i was at my boyfriend’s place asking if i was coming back earlier. my bf thought maybe she was having someone over, but given how much she complains about her love life to me, i doubt it. she just tells me all the time she hates being alone, but i don’t know what to do about that, that’s not my problem imo. she also pretty frequently puts my boyfriend down in conversation, mainly because he’s a man, and it’s pretty irritating now. if he was trash, i would dump him, so i wish she’d mind her own business.
this is kinda draining to me, esp w/all i have going on rn. i think i know how to approach the first problem, but i don’t know how to get her to stop bad-mouthing my boyfriend and being so clingy. any advice on how to go about it? i’m not trying to be ungrateful, i swear. tysm for any advice 🙂
TLDR: roommate constantly wants to talk to me, i want space. also gets upset when i stay with my bf and talks bad ab him. i want it to stop. advice?
1 comment
There are a couple things you can do. First, you need to be clear with her about your wants, needs, and boundaries. Sit down with her and have a conversation saying “I appreciate our relationship and definitely enjoy the friendliness between us! I want to ensure we can continue to have a good relationship with each other, so there are a couple things I’d like to try. Firstly, when I get home I really prefer to decompress and unwind on my own; its not because I find you annoying or dislike you, I just need the mental space to relax and recharge. From now on when I get home I’ll [make a snack and go to my room? say hi then put my headphones in? whatever you want to do] for a bit to decompress. Once I’m ready to be social again I’ll [leave my room? come find you? say hi? whatever would make the most sense], and then I’ll look forward to sharing our days with each other! Secondly, when I’m out with my boyfriend, I’m generally pretty focused on him and our time together. I’m not checking my phone or responding to messages from other people, so I don’t want you to expect that from me. This isn’t because I don’t like and value you, its just because I love my boyfriend and want to be able to focus on him during our time together. Of course, if its an emergency, please call me; but otherwise, please expect that if I’m out with him I won’t be checking in with you.”
The badmouthing your boyfriend isn’t nice, and you should feel comfortable shutting those comments down (assuming you’re not actually in an unhealthy/abusive relationship and her comments aren’t justified concern). Whenever she makes a comment, reply with something like “That’s an unkind thing to say about someone I love, please don’t do that anymore” or “I love my boyfriend and am happy in our relationship, I’d appreciate if you didn’t say things like that.”
Then you have to actually do those things! The boundaries you’re expressing are very reasonable, so you shouldn’t feel bad about them. There might be some initial hurt, because you are both young and unused to being explicit about these things, but if your roommate is truly a good person she’ll want to build a relationship that you’re both happy with and will respect your boundaries.