My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Before we even got married or engaged, we discussed a timeline on when we’d ideally like to start a family. He and I both said a year or two after marriage. I asked him recently when we’re going to start trying for a baby and he responded saying he’s not financially, mentally, and emotionally there yet, so he wants to wait another 2 years. I’m 31 and have PCOS, so for me, the possibility of infertility scares me, and the thought of every year we push back and wait, brings me so much anxiety. We are financially stable- I have even saved up 6 months of expenses in an emergency fund, so the financial part doesn’t make any sense to me. It just seems like an added excuse, to be frank. But his emotional and mental reason is where I don’t know how to address with him. He just keeps saying he’s not ready because he’s worried and scared. I told him that no one is ever really “ready”, and even in another 2 years, he might not feel “ready”- this is just one of those things where we have to be in the moment and work through together. I feel very stuck right now. What can I do to get on the same page with my husband? By no means do I want to force him into this- I just want to know if there’s anything I can do to help him address those issues?
We met with a counselor/therapist and he says it didn’t help him address his concerns, so I have another appointment booked with a different therapist. But I still feel at a loss.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.
21 comments
It sounds like you already have the right response, truth is he’ll never feel ready just by waiting and he’s causing problems for you because you’re also correct that you can’t wait around forever. Maybe just point out to him that having a kid isn’t going to be instantaneous, he’ll have 9 months to get ready and then when the baby is very young, it’s mostly for the mother to care for, especially if you’re breastfeeding.
Did he say anything about what he’s afraid will happen? Like is he concerned he won’t have free time to watch sports or something or play video games?
Frankly, he should be looking forward to “trying” to have a baby too.
Children suck and there are vast numbers of self-reported statistics saying they make you horribly unhappy regardless of how much you wanted/love them.
I’m with your husband on this one: You both need to be 100% for it to not end in disaster.
Having kids can mentally be a tough thing to grasp, at least until you have had one for a bit. I was also like that for a little bit. Finally, I sat back, and looked at our friends that were having kids, and their situations, and realized that we were as well off, or better off than a lot of them, and they were doing just fine with it. So that helped put my mind at ease.
>We met with a counselor/therapist and he says it didn’t help him address his concerns, so I have another appointment booked with a different therapist. But I still feel at a loss.
Yeah hiring a third party to manage your relationship always works out. If you manage to bully him into this there will be resentment. Anything goes wrong with the kids or providing for them and he’s going to blame you.
>financially, mentally, and emotionally
There is a reason financially is first. Maybe financial planner would be a better consultant hire than a therapist. Also shit timing with the global recession kicking off.
Maybe you married the wrong person. Shared values and goals are very important. You don’t appear to be working it out. The clock is ticking.
Good luck.
So you know how waiting is giving you anxiety? Rushing into having a kid is similarly giving your husband anxiety. If your anxiety justifies you trying to push, then why can’t his anxiety justify him wanting to wait?
Brass tacks here is that the harder you push, the faster he’ll want to run away from it. This is clearly a big deal to you, and the bigger a deal you make this, the worse his anxiety is going to get.
Tell him. Yeah it’s scary. But also one of the best things in the world when you hold your baby for the first time, something clicks in your head and your whole world perspective changes. Best feeling ever is being a dad and getting the hugs and kisses from your kids, and hearing them say stuff like. I love you or you’re the best dad ever
Melts the heart man…I love being a dad
If you’re on the pill, tell him “I’m ready for a child. I’m going off the pill, so you’ll either have to use a condom or trust in the pull out method if you still want to wait to have children.”
Also, explain again that no one is ever truly ready. If you have stable income, a place to live, and room for said child, you’re about as ready as you’ll ever be. And as my husband puts it, when you don’t have the responsibility, you’re less likely to push yourself to become better where needed. (Obviously this isn’t the case for everyone).
Hopefully, this is a case of letting the perfect being the enemy of the good. Perfect is a momentary state because things out of our control are always changing. Preparation for what we can control means we only need courage for what we can’t. But, some courage will always be needed. If you’re always preparing you’ll miss out on doing what is meaningful. He needs to accept that by delaying because of his fears, he is avoiding an opportunity to be courageous and making you suffer for it.
If he can’t be courageous to help alleviate your suffering and reach a shared goal, then you aren’t with the right man. Tell him you admire courage and need that from him. If he can’t face this fear, he won’t become a father and wouldn’t make a good one either. Also, he misrepresented his desires and married you under false pretenses.
You don’t need kids to be happy. It looks like there are problems in your relationship that a child won’t fix and will only make worse. If you really want kids you can just adopt.
Does your husband have a father figure? Male mentor? Maybe what he’s working through can’t be solved by you or a therapist. I’m asking cause based off what you said, his excuses doesn’t line up. Therefore it doesn’t seem to be the root cause of the problem and the real issue is something else that he just needs to hear or a different perspective he needs to see
Sounds a lot like a fence sitter leaning towards childfree. Discuss the possibility that he may not really want children.
I’ve been in this situation as the man. I didn’t want children. I wasn’t sure I didn’t want children at the time (in the beginning I actually thought I would) and we had something of a timeline. As a few years passed, I became less comfortable with the idea of being a father. In the end I was very much against having children and my (now-ex) wife considered that to be a dealbreaker and we are now happily in relationships with people who are firmly on the same page when it comes to being or not being parents. Perhaps this isn’t a similar situation for him, but if it is, you both should very seriously consider whether or not having children is a dealbreaker. The longer that goes on, the more difficult the divorce will eventually be.
There appears to be multiple concerns here.
Let’s start with your concern of waiting too long and dealing with potential infertility. I think you should explore the options for child bearing in general. I know very little about this but there are options. Egg freezing, getting a sergeant, adoption, etc. I think knowing your options can help with this fear.
He appears to have a couple concerns.
Financially: no one is ever going to be financially ready for anything. Doing your best to save some to get ready is great, but you’re never gonna feel like it is enough. I would suggest looking into economical options for various child related things. Thrift shopping, couponing, second hand, etc. Often times family and friends are more than willing to give away supplies or assets they used for their kids.
Emotionally/Mentally: change is hard. That is an understatement. There will be things that are more difficult to do once you have kids. On the flip side, there are great new things and sources of love you get with kids that are very hard to experience otherwise. A pet is a very small glimpse into some of that potential new love you can feel. Obviously problems come with kids too, but problems come with life in general. I would highly suggest simply having a candid conversation with either of your parents, or anyone your parents age, about raising kids. I think he’ll find that many parents had no fucking clue what they were doing and struggled half the time with whether they were doing the right thing or were gonna have enough money to make it by. Often times people have a glamorized memory of their childhood, in that it always seemed like their parents had everything put together, when often times they were just putting on a great front for the kids and were stressed like hell in reality. Parents wing it far more than people realize. Additionally, there are so many more resources today with the internet than there was 30 years ago. So many ways to learn how to handle things or where to get cheap formula or simply groups to vent and problem solve with. There are so many more advantages today that could help with a lot of what he is fearing.
I wonder if I could help him address his concerns. If people are bold enough to have a conversation with me, I have a habit of very quickly seeing deeply into things and helping to affect significant changes in thinking and feeling.
Out of complete curiosity, I’ll do it for free.
Most couples get pregnant within a year of trying. My wife also has PCOS and I have my own issues so we tried for a while but now we’re on the “if it happens it happens” stage. It’s been 3 years, so I’m kind of feeling like it won’t. My point being though, you get raised as if it’s so easy to get pregnant and everyone just plans out when they get pregnant etc. And then when you finally get ready it’s difficult, and miscarriage is much much more common than people think as well. So really if you want kids, my advice is to work on it cause it still might take years. And like maybe that might make him feel better/less rushed? But you really need to talk with him about what checkboxes he thinks are left to fill out.
Also yeah I’ve been there. I didn’t feel ready for a while as well. I’m still not really sure. But like you said I don’t think anyone is 100% ready for their first and if you think you are that might be a red flag.
Tough situation.
Alright i’ll try to be brief. (okay. sorry, not brief at all).
1. He lied to you and/or you blindly believed that he wanted to one day be a father just so he could stay in this relationship with you. If this is the case, you need to question your relationship with each other as this is a HUGE incompatibility issue. I hope this isn’t your case, but I’d probably tackle this one first and figure it out.
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2) IF he really does want to be a father, but it’s really just a fear of situation. Then really it’s one of those situations where someone needs a “push” off the diving board. No man in such a situation will ever truly be ready then. It’s the ultimate test of man-hood, so to speak, to take on such a task and truly sacrifice to live life beyond oneself.
You’ve done the therapy route already and that’s great. Might be double edged, but the hope would be to tackle an underlying issue, usually something like a peter-pan syndrome or a self-esteem issue, like he’s scared that he can’t be the man he wants/needs to be.
I think another good solution is to talk to other men who have kids and gain some perspective. Let a man lead another man to where they want to be, if your husband truly does want to be a father that is. Does he have friends who are fathers? Have a bro moment there.
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I have a friend who none of us ever believed would be a father including himself, let alone even get his life together. Guy was living at home with his parents working some shitty ass job. Accidently popped a baby into his girlfriend. 7 years later, he owns a detached house, making a 6 figure salary and has 2 kids. Forced father hood set this guy straight. He was pushed into the deep end and he learned to swim REAL QUICK.
Not saying this is some ideal situation, but the reality is, many men will not know how ready they are until it happens. This is life for the majority of us.
Good luck.
Sounds like he would make a great dad – thinking things through – making sure the basics are taken care of (financial, etc) – being worried and scared is normal – its a big deal having a kid – and for the father – so much is out of our hands – but after 4 of them (1st at 39) – its the best thing that ever happened to me and I too went into it feeling unprepared and not ready – but once you hold your child for the first time and look into their eyes – its all that negative stuff just melts away – and a joy I have never felt before takes over. By most peoples standards my life was great before I had kids – but now its even better with kids.
I don’t know if this helps, but I recently really “clicked” the fact that my wife’s family would also be my kids family, if we had kids. And I hate her family and they hate me.
My grandparents, aunts and uncles were all huge influences on me as kid. I had wanted to have kids with my wife, until I realized: “crap her sister and parents would be that same influence on my kids,” and I think they are all just horrible people.
So maybe it would help your husband want to have kids if he felt loved and accepted not just by you, but all your relatives who would also be his kid’s relatives.
Just a thought.
The best way I can put it: mentally/emotionally is he worried he’s not going to be a good dad? Means he’s probably going to have his !@#$ together when it happens.
Financially: you adjust. We were frequent visitors of BJs and Babies R Us. The local super walmart was till 24 hours so I was doing 2 am runs for children’s tylenol/advil.
Your PCOS: talk to your Ob/gyn about that now if you haven’t already. We lucked out. Ours might not have had a good bedside manner but PCOS was THE thing she had researched. She knew it in and out. On financial side – you should find out what is covered in your state for reproductive help, have a discussion with your husband about how far you’re both willing to go. And, uh, just remember: PCOS is not always a valid form of birth control. One of our friends also has it. She looks at her husband cross-eyed and they’re expecting again. For us: both times we were trying, first time we did the Clomid challenge test, were told not to expect anything to happen that month, it was a double dose and would mess things up. We kept waiting for her to cycle, kept not happening, they pulled us in, did a test and bam. She was pregnant. Second time – we were trying and trying and trying. No joy. We did the in-utero fertilization a couple times. Nothing. She finally said “fuck it, we’re stopping and I’m losing some weight.” Next month, bam.
Give him another 2 years and the truth is he probably still won’t be ready. Imagine you pressuring him into having kids and then resenting the fact that he was pressured. Is that what you want? What he can’t tell you is that he doesn’t know for sure that he’ll ever want kids, just knows he’s not ready right now.
Offer more anal