So about a month ago my wife and I got into an argument she got pissed at me and said she wanted a divorce. I was wrecked. I talked to a counselor and my best friend about it they built me up. I wrote out a complete plan on what divorce looked like what she would get what I would get how custody looked. I told either she would have to move out or we’d sell the house. That we’d agree to live in the same town and that we’d each get the kids for 7 days at a time. That I would pay her bills for 6 months so she could get herself established. I was very detailed I didn’t want her to think I was going to be a weekend dad that paid all thousands in alimony. The next day she completely changed she was and has been super nice to me ever since our sex life has even improved. The problem I’m having is trusting her after she said the “D” word (this is the second time she’s threatened me with this btw). I don’t know if this is real or not? Did me standing up for myself and not leaving when she tried to kick me out scare her? Did I call her bluff? Should I just ignore these feelings and enjoy this while it lasts?
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My parents have been married for over 30 years and my mom has threatened the D word countless times…. It’s not a great thing to do and I don’t agree with behaving that way but some people shout things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment. You should ask your wife directly if she can unpack what she was feeling in the moment when she said that, if she meant it, and discuss what your relationship and boundaries will look like going forward.
Her warm behavior isn’t necessarily a lie, is she prone to outbursts? Does she “feel her emotions more” than other people?
If you’re both still in this, definitely seek couples and individual counseling.
Don’t ignore the feelings and concerns, voice them and talk about it.
It really depends on the context of the argument and the build-up to it.
My husband has ADHD. If I have a problem in our relationship, the only way he sees it as a problem is if I escalate it to crisis-mode by threatening divorce. He doesn’t see or address problems unless the deadline is *now* and divorce is a sort-of deadline. He procrastinates with everything, including problems in the relationship.
This has made me sympathetic toward people who use divorce as a way of saying: “Hey, I’m being serious. I need you to hear me!”
It’s also possible that she was using it in a petty way. This subreddit tends to assume it’s *always* petty because everyone here seems to have a perfectly healthy marriage where they *never* fight or say bad things or *gasp* engage in unhealthy behavior.
But I’m really struggling to believe that she “suddenly changed.” What do you mean? So the argument wasn’t addressed? Did you come to a conclusion about the thing you were arguing about?
> I talked to a counselor and my best friend about it they built me up. I wrote out a complete plan on what divorce looked like what she would get what I would get how custody looked. I told either she would have to move out or we’d sell the house.
So she said she wanted a divorce while mad during an argument and you immediately started planning? If it were me I’d wait until things calmed down and discussed the issue to make sure my husband really meant what he said. Did you not do this?
Sounds like you called her bluff. That was actually a brilliant strategy, even if it was unintentional. The second she realized you were serious, she backed off.
That said, threatening a divorce every time there’s a fight is dirty pool. It’s meant to scare and intimidate your partner, which is a ridiculous way to fight. I would highly recommend you seek out some marriage counseling with her, and make it clear that those kinds of threats can’t continue.
Divorce shouldn’t be brought up during an argument. Ever. With that said, emotional flooding kind of makes us impulsive. I’ve brought up divorce once in ten years- it felt like I was in a corner and it was the only thing that could get me out of the argument, just complete self destruction mode, I was completely flooded and catastrophizing in that moment. I try not to get to that place and step away now because it’s incredibly damaging to the marriage and chances are I don’t feel that way the next day.
Unless she’s bringing divorce to you when things are calm, and not in the middle of a heated argument, it’s not something I’d take too seriously. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t take something away from your marriage, it was destructive absolutely, but have you not talked to her after the fact? My husband and I had a very serious convo a few days later to reassure each other and talk about next steps now that it was thrown out there. We decided on therapy together because with the way we communicated, I could absolutely see it happening again. It was just a symptom of a larger problem which is that we simply couldn’t validate or communicate productively with each other, rather than wanting to actually separate.
Like why haven’t you discussed this after the fact? It seems like the real issue here is that you simply can’t communicate with each other so the argument progresses to where she’s going to DEFCON 5 just like you did after the argument when you started planning the divorce without actually wanting it.
Sounds like things need to go back and work on why she was feeling that way to begin with. She may have some things built up to have gotten her to that point.
I said it a few times before I was ready to mean it but that was because my resentment was rising and I was getting to that point.
You have a counsellor but maybe you should see one together.
You should ask her now for her phone reports(apps and messages so you can download them all) and to review her messages and make sure there was no one else to eliminate all reasons for her to ask for a divorce.
As far as what you did, yes she realized one of two possibilities, you won’t take her manipulation tactics and will move on easily, or she does not want her atm machine to stop thus she is putting in the effort to not let you see what is really going on behind the curtain.
Eliminate all possibilities, and then work on your marriage and put in the same effort she is.
Can I trust her after she told me she wanted a divorce
So about a month ago my wife and I got into an argument she got pissed at me and said she wanted a divorce. I was wrecked. I talked to a counselor and my best friend about it they built me up. I wrote out a complete plan on what divorce looked like what she would get what I would get how custody looked. I told either she would have to move out or we’d sell the house.
*She saw her sweet life grinding to a halt.*
That we’d agree to live in the same town and that we’d each get the kids for 7 days at a time.
*I am sure she was betting on child support*
That I would pay her bills for 6 months so she could get herself established. I was very detailed I didn’t want her to think I was going to be a weekend dad that paid all thousands in alimony.
*I will wager that’s EXACTLY what she was expecting*
The next day she completely changed she was and has been super nice to me ever since our sex life has even improved.
*My money is on one or two things. Hysterical bonding to slow the roll on this change OR she is a spider spinning her web to make things go her way and she’ll cut you free once she has it all lined up*
The problem I’m having is trusting her after she said the “D” word (this is the second time she’s threatened me with this btw). I don’t know if this is real or not? Did me standing up for myself and not leaving when she tried to kick me out scare her? Did I call her bluff? Should I just ignore these feelings and enjoy this while it lasts?
*One STRONG rule my husband and I have is divorce is a serious discussion and not thrown around. It’s come up exactly ONCE in over 32 years when I gave him the option to open our marriage or divorce. He realized I was quite serious on the OM issue and went and got treatment for his low T and things are back to being amazing. But to toss it out in anger? Hell no!*
*I would not trust a person who did what your wife did. She isn’t magically happy. She’s biding her time before she snaps her fingers and makes it happen the way SHE wants it to happen. Be careful.*
You must assume she’s trying to sweeten you up while talking to a lawyer. No way she can be trusted.
You and your spouse need to talk to each other about your problems and definitely stop using Divorce as leverage.