Would it be insensitive or inappropriate?
I matched with someone a while ago who shared with me that they are autistic.
I am meeting with them for the first time on Saturday and I was thinking of asking them whether there are any ways that his autism presents that he thinks I should be aware of.
I don’t want him over thinking things or being worried about how he is presenting himself.
16 comments
See if it comes up organically first. Everyone with autism is different, and how they identify with it. I think the fact he shared that with you tells me it will come up naturally, and he will share what he’s comfortable with. Have fun 🙂
I would say it’s not a bad idea to ask — but only if they bring it up first and/or seek your input or opinion.
Otherwise, just treat them as you would anyone else 🤷🏻‍♂️
I think that would show them that you are trying to be safe and understanding of their feelings. Being autistic is hard because social norms are not easy for us. Ask with a tone and manner that this is for your information to be sensitive to them and not for any other reason, but to support them and understand if something comes up that makes you unsure/uncomfortable around them.
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Communication for autistic folk is really tough and usually we just end up being ghosted because we said too much or people expect things of us that are just not true.
Can I ask why you feel the need to ask?
Everyone has quirks and personality traits, some of which are less appealing than others – it isn’t a purely autistic thing. If you wouldn’t ask a neurotypical person “can I have a breakdown of how you act?” then you also shouldn’t ask it of an autistic person. I think you _are_ overthinking it and _are_ worried.
And that’s OK. This is new territory for you, if your date’s autism presents in any way that is not to your liking, you can work on it if and when it arises.
If there was anything you *needed* to be aware of then your date would have told you.
So, my boyfriend was diagnosed on the spectrum. I had zero clue until he told me around 3 months of dating. He was afraid I’d judge him if I knew. I would’ve never guessed he was though as I guess he doesn’t present like someone who has autism but now that he’s told me some things make sense as autism really is on the spectrum.
I’d wait and see what he’s comfortable sharing. As long as you don’t judge him and he feels safe, he’ll open up and share naturally. If you’re really curious to know as you said but won’t judge, that could also be fine. It’s good he communicated up front so far.
Yes if you look at it that way. Just be real you’ll be aight and be glad you did. Whichever way that is lol
Autistic people generally like straight forwardness and are bad in picking up subtle cues. So as long as you’re coming from a good place you’ll be probably even appreciated for your honesty.
I feel like this is an awesome and accommodating question! I would just be careful with the way you ask it. Maybe something along the lines of “so you mentioned you have autism, that’s great how forthright you can be with me, how has that affected your dating life? Any certain challenges it caused?”
Idk sometimes being put on the spot can make our brains go blank, so asking about experiences might help that.
As someone who is neurodivergent, I’d perhaps see if it comes up naturally in conversation or not. If it does then ask away. If it doesn’t then asking about it on a first date could come across the wrong way regardless of how its intended, as neurodivergent people do process info differently. In the meantime there’s so much info online that you could read about, not to bring up in conversation, but so you are more aware anyway. Great that you want to understand from his perspective though rather than generic information.
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Yo wtf happened here?? Was actually looking for decent replies to a nice post OP made!
If it already came up then I would ask how it has or does affect their daily life (work, home, private life, dating.) id specifically inquire how it is impacted their dating life/relationships in the past and what have done to work around or resolve any barriers or complications that it’s caused. I think that’s fair and a pretty effective way to get the answer you’re looking for.
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If he told you, then it’s fair game except in this case. Since the rule I just mentioned is implicit, a good rule of thumb is to not assume implicit things with people on the autistic spectrum. So just be very explicit, and don’t be surprised if you are putting more thought into this than he is. Something tells me that will be a reoccurring theme in your relationship.
As someone who is most likely on the spectrum, I would appreciate the ask. There are a lot of untrue assumptions about autism so it would be really comforting to me to have someone ask about it vs worrying that they are going to make untrue assumptions.
Asking how their autism presents itself is a great question to ask. Some autistic people cannot handle loud environments.