I just got out of a long-term relationship, and our sex life was never as good as I had hoped for. I find myself getting grossed out very easily, especially when it comes to saliva. I have a lot of problems
with tense muscles in my pelvic floor, and I have vulvodynia. This means I can’t have penetrative sex and I haven’t been able to have it for almost 4 years. I developed this issue after I had several bad sexual experiences with an ex, who did not respect when I told him no.
I really want to find my way back to how turned on I got by sex when I was younger. Now days I don’t really get wet, except when I masturbate. I always feel like I have to force myself to get turned on or fake it. When my ex went down on me, I could never really enjoy it because I wasn’t really turned on to begin with so everything just grossed me out. Anyone have any tips about finding my way back to my sexuality and being able to enjoy the moment and relax?
3 comments
You said you had some trauma and you’ve never found your way back. I can understand. Is it a trust issue and that in the back if your mind the same thing will happen?
perhaps you should start at the beginning with better communication. Slowly, over time, start as you would as if your a teenager by kissing or petting and slowly ease into sex. You don’t have to have sex every time you are together. A stain for a while. Sexual tension works wonders once it’s released. Get back the trust you need.
Hey love,
Firstly, sorry for your challenges in the past, I went completely celibate and off of men for a while after my own experiences. It’s part of the healing process.
Then, have your hormones checked out. Progesterone is responsible for high libidos, and oestrogen for wetness and sexual desire. If they are out of balance and low, this may definitely be causing the issue!
This may be left of field, and not your jam, but I tried, and still do sex therapy through sensual massage and energy balance. There are therapists (call them sex shamans) that specialise in sexual energy, connecting with your body, and working through previous traumas.
Also, when was the last time you put something sexy on that made you feel desirable and went on an exciting date? When sex dies down in a relationship and lust goes away, it’s easy for sex to feel vanilla. Having a good sex life in a relationship actually takes work, which sucks, but its true. It doesn’t necessarily mean that all sex moving forward with others will be. Do something fun and sexy for an adrenaline rush, that might spark something.
Don’t worry about penetrative sex, there is so much more to sex than penetration, and orgasming should not be the goal, it is an add on. Many men don’t understand this. Take the time to connect with your body first. Put some sensual music on, candles, glass of vino, shave etc. and have a sexy sex night with yourself. It can actually be really awesome!
Good luck love – you’ve got this
Yes I am a female 24, with an older partner, 35. He works really long hours and usually comes home after the gym ready to hit the pillow. Then we have really busy weekends and sometimes don’t get around to it. I can’t stand doing it every other week or longer!