Basically it all started when we were in university, I was in a deep hole, trying to deal with a depression that I had since highschool. I had a few friends who left uni and I was left by myself, thats when my partner comes in, giving me advice, doing random acts of kindness for me, and trying to help me with uni in general.
When you are in that hole, you honestly just want to hold on to any spark of light that you can, so I had to accept some “rules” that he imposed at that time, keep in mind that were not partners yet. He asked me to not look for a partner or else our friendship would end then and there, also, I still used to keep in contact with my other friends, the ones that left uni, but he asked me to cut any type of communication with them since they would only lead me to “failure”. He also used to bring up all the things he used to do for me in order to manipulate me into doing what he wanted.
I am an introvert, so it’s really hard to make any friends, the ones that I used to have basically approached me first, so naturally, I used to abide by his rules and requests because I did not wanted to be alone and that led to a point in my life where I don’t have anyone but him and my family.
I finally grew out of that depression, started to mature enough to realize the flaws in the relationship and right now it’s just overwhelming. A few months ago he got one of his online accounts hacked and that triggered some issues in his head, he was becoming extremely paranoid to the point where he would say things like “if it weren’t for you, I would have already taken my life because it’s just not worth it”. He is also a complete shut in, he does not want to socialize with anyone but me, and even makes some really nihilistic comments about people and life in general. He has a really bad health and blames his parents for “feeding him” junk food when he was a kid, yet whenever I go to hang out with him, he just wants to be idle, doing nothing and just thinking about eating. He tends to be really clingy as well, getting angry whenever I do something without him, and overall tends to be really childish, throwing a tantrum whenever something is not done his way. I have asked previously if he thought about seeking help, from a professional, and he stated that he does not believe in professionals because it is easy for him to realize how he feels and where that feeling comes from, and with that be able to do something, however, he just doesn’t do anything in order to change his vices or cultivate virtues.
I feel extremely exhausted and stressed out with this relationship, but I do care for him, so it scares me the fact that he has stated before that he would literally take his own life if it weren’t for me. At this point I feel like everything I do for him is based on gratitude and not love. Should I break up with him or try to help him better himself?
TLDR: I accepted the demands of my partner because I did not wanted to be alone, with time started to care for him more and more, and now that I am in a better place (mentally speaking), I realized how flawed the relationship is, that he isolate me from everyone else, and that he is manipulative and immature, but I hesitate to leave him because he has threatened with taking his own life.
5 comments
Run for the hills and fast. *Yikes*.
>I feel extremely exhausted and stressed out with this relationship, but I do care for him, so it scares me the fact that he has stated before that he would literally take his own life if it weren’t for me.
These two feelings can be reconciled. Spending a lot of time with *anyone* can cause a person to care about their well-being. But it doesn’t mean that they’re entitled to your care.
Everyone is responsible for themselves, which includes their management of their mental health. It’s just as true for anyone who’s single as it is for anyone with a considerate partner who offers support. Your efforts are NOT a replacement for your partner’s efforts – he needs to try on his own.
As such, you’re not responsible for his mental health. Even if he needs help, it doesn’t mean he’s specifically entitled to your help. If you want to be nice, you can certainly refer him to people and resources that can offer more professional, dedicated support. But you’re under no obligation to be his support.
>also, I still used to keep in contact with my other friends, the ones that left uni, but he asked me to cut any type of communication with them since they would only lead me to “failure”.
A partner can make requests and offer their opinions, but your social life is ultimately up to YOU do to decide for yourself, and you can decide based on YOUR values, interests, priorities, and needs.
You absolutely have to get out of this relationship. It is deeply unhealthy. You can’t make yourself responsible for the mental health of somebody you’re dating. If you are concerned about what will happen post-breakup, you can relay that to people who care about him (his parents?) and try to point him toward resources, but ultimately there is not much else you can do. You cannot be his support system post breakup, and staying in his life would be a bad idea.
That’s quite literally HIS choice to do so.
But You know he’s manipulative, so what makes you think he’s being sincere now?
He controls you, manipulates you and has isolated you… this is an abusive relationship. It’s not healthy, or safe.
I know you are worried about him hurting himself, but often when a partner threatens to do that if you leave him it is an indication that he might actually hurt you instead. So please leave him, but also don’t be alone with him, and try to do it in a safe way 🙏💜