I don’t know how else to approach this issue and looking here for help. Sorry for the length.
My husband (38M) and I (32F) have been married for 5 years, altogether for 10. Most of that time had been wonderful with very few issues. Lately, things have been stressed due to my physical and mental health (depression) declining, and his miserable work atmosphere. He de-stresses with his hobbies and friends, whereas due to my condition I’ve lost both overtime.
Last December, an old college friend (39F) reentered his life. They sent birthday texts to each other every year, but have started to become active friends again. They text and sometimes meet up for food or go to events. I didn’t have any issue with it. He has many friends, men and women, and I have never felt insecure before. Until recently…
I got a notification about the phone bill being up. I went to check it, and noticed that his usage was insanely high. I didn’t think much at first because he texts/calls his BFF (38M) often. However, I found out it’s been mostly her, and by a lot:
He’s averaging 200-300 texts a day and over 3/4th are hers. Going back as far as I can check (February), it’s been that way everyday. I dug further and found time stamps: he texts her as soon as he wakes up, and nearly every hour until he goes to bed. Sometimes it’s nonstop for many hours. Even at times he was hanging out with me at home. In comparison, his BFF has 1/4 of her text volume, and mine even less.
I got anxious. And angry. And even more depressed. Why would he spend so much of his days talking to her, and barely communicating with me in comparison? Even when we’re together? I was terrified because it mimicked how my long term relationship with my college ex-bf ended. They were “just friends” and I played it cool, until he left me for her. I couldn’t shake the gut feeling I had.
Last night, I sat with him and asked if he was okay, and if we were okay. When pressed, I told him my findings. He shutdown. He claims that they mostly talk about her mental health issues — she vents her problems and he listens. But at this frequency and time of the day? I said I highly doubt it’s just that.
I never accused him of infidelity, but I told him this is excessive for friendships. We talked more and delved into our recent issues with open communication and how we handle each other’s problems. He say he vents his problems (which includes me) back to her, but I also think that isn’t appropriate. Our marital issues shouldn’t be discussed with friends, especially when they’re not discussed with the spouse first.
We talked about marriage counseling and getting that started soon. While I believe it can help, I can’t shake this nagging feeling that he wasn’t being completely honest about their conversations. I’m afraid he’s been emotionally cheating, whether he’s actively aware or not, and even after this conversation it might not change.
Would there be any way I can find out what’s really going on between them if he won’t open up? I don’t know her well enough to have this kind of talk and have it not blow up and cause more problems. A counselor isn’t going to route through his messages. I want to ask his BFF to talk to him, but I’d feel guilty to drag him into our problems.
Will I just have to accept that, unless he shows me himself, I’ll never know? And hope that marriage counseling will fix our problems and bury it away? I’m paranoid about that route becoming true.
TL;DR: My husband is nonstop texting a girl he’s refriended, and claims they’re just giving each other support. I think he’s not fully honest and there’s emotional cheating involved. Can’t find solutions to figure out true nature of friendship.
49 comments
I think you should be more focused on yourself. He is clearly emotionally cheating on you, and this unacceptable. I would ask him to show you their messages, making it clear your marriage is at stake.
Do you want to stay with someone that cares about someone else mire than about you? If he refuses or shows it after significant delay you should assume the worst. Stay with him only if you don’t mind him cheating on you.
If he shows you their messages you will see inappropriate things, intimate conversations, telling her things that should stay between you, and so on.
Naturally with this being the case you would need to insist on him stopping their contact entirely.
2-300 texts a day is an obsession not a friendship
At best he is prioritising a friendship at the expense of a marriage
I doubt that it’s only friends tbh
My advice
I’d be very blunt as it’s exactly what I did do when my spouse was too busy with others to bother with our marriage
“They go or I do”
My wife agreed, 2 days later caught them again “chatting”
I got divorced as I keep my word
You can guess what happened next to no surprise to myself
It’s not that I dont talk things through, fuck did I try leading up to it
It’s just sometimes there is no conversation to be had when your partner is showing you they prefer the company of others to you and their actions are unacceptable
If you dont set a hard line they will try to keep stepping over it
If they cross the hard line they are telling you it’s time to divorce them
I kept all my self worth intact because of this, that means I’ve never once regretted that ultimatum as it was the only choice I had left
I think your marriage is done but I dont accept behaviour like this
You may be open to working on things but that level of interaction you’d need thors hammer to break off
I doubt he’ll stop even if he says he will
Your gut is telling you everything you need to know, your husband is having an emotional affair which could blossom into a physical one.
This friend doesnt need to know your marital problems, thats waaaaay overcrossing any healthy boundaries, there he effed up.
You need to be harsher because your husband is an asshole who doesnt show any respect for you. And respect = trust = love, where your husband isnt really giving you that. Inform his parents, prepare and copy and safely store relevant paperwork. Find a divorce lawyer.
“Show me some examples of your conversations that apparently need to happen the first thing every morning.” If he responds that he deletes them, he’s guilty of more than just sharing problem solving with an old friend.
A marriage counselor is NOT going to fix your marriage. Therapy will help guide you through the arduous process of confronting each other’s and your own behaviors and developing plans and skills to make them work, But only you two can fix your marriage.
And you … you need to double up on visits with your own therapy, because as the lyrics, “Hold on to yourself, because this is going to hurt like hell.” Imply, you’ve got some tough going to get through.
Your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman. Don’t believe anything he tells you about them being just friends.
It seems like he’s avoiding issues and not being fully forthcoming with you. I won’t speculate on the content of that, but it’s probably related to your relationship.
The new girl….I’d say he has some new relationship energy with her. It doesn’t have to be beyond friends for him to use her as an escape. New people don’t come with the baggage and work as long standing relationships do. She also has a nostalgia component.
Therapy is going to take time, you won’t resolve your issue about him being forthright on the first session (it could happen though).
Depression can be hard on you and, crucially, him. There is no way to know all the details of your relationship but I know that it adds a layer of complexity to it.
Based on all this, for reasons I wouldn’t speculate on, he is being avoidant, and this other person is less problematic by virtue of not being close, there is some nostalgia and NRE (new relationship energy), and they have been building up some sort of intimacy talking about personal things.
I don’t really have much advice, only that you should find ways to prioritize yourself and your own mental well being as opposed to figuring out what his deal is in the short term. Find some concrete things you’d like to change or goals you like to set to get you moving away from your current mental space. Harping on him and this is going to keep setting you up for emotion distress.
Reach out to other people in your life and begin seeing them with regular cadence, maybe once a week or something. Do something you enjoy doing, do it consistently and take it one step at a time. You have to reframe some parts of your life and hyperfocus on him is not going to be beneficial.
Tell him to reduce his contact with this woman to two texts a day. Tell this woman that your husband is not her therapist and when she texts him so often with her problems, she probably should start to see one.
I would say you are under-reacting. This is already an emotional affair. He has crossed tons of boundaries confiding in her at your expense, talking about your marriage, and basically texting nonstop. I would ask to see the messages if they are so innocent. If he is unwilling or has deleted them I’d have a hard conversation about his infidelity and say if he’s not willing to work on the marriage with transparency and cutting her out, then you see no path forward but separation/divorce. (Assuming you actually don’t want to stick around with a husband who disrespects and cheats on you.)
I actually like the idea of saying to your husband you are having a hard time justifying what he is telling you versus his actions of texting her 200-300 times a day. I think it’s fair to say if it’s as innocent as he claims, you would like to see some of the texts to rest your mind. If he resists I think that tells you everything.
Please don’t involve his friend. That is definitely crossing a huge line and then puts you “at fault”.
If possible, maybe you need individual therapy to work on your own depression. Wishing you the best of luck.
He is emotionally cheating probably without réalising but still do it!
Let the counseling expose his behaviors then you must put drasticts boundaries! It will be the declick he need because he can’t allow himself to be close that way with another woman, specially sharing so personnel stuff!!
You need to find a way to reconnect ,spend time,share Good moments,activities .
He have to cut her out of both of your life. Because he obviously is not yet able to know when he cross the Line or not!
She is from the past so she représente nostagia of his good moments but it’s a illusion.And because you struggles she use that opportinity to get close to him. So for now he must stop any conversation with her and explain she must let both of you alone to focus on your relationship !
At the moment there are secrecy and sexual tension it’s cheating,dont Forget that!
They’re cheating. At very least emotionally. And if you stick around, he’s going to leave you for her. Your husband is making a decision, every day, to water his relationship with another woman while letting your marriage die. He does this because she’s new and exciting, because she feeds his ego, because he thinks you’ll always be around.
Don’t you deserve better? Do you realize that you can find someone who loves you? There is an actual living, breathing person, actually several or dozens, who would love to spend time with you, listen to you, and love you. Don’t you think you and that other someone deserve a chance?
Leave your husband, your relationship to a already over.
He is having an emotional affair and you need to put your foot down..
He needs to show you these messages all off them now or he out the door, and he also need to cut her off, for good, no negotiations. And if he says the thing all cheaters say, oh I deleted the messages, then he has to go🤷🏻♀️, can’t prove you haven’t been inappropriate with her, then we are done..
You have to be firm, he walking all over you with this woman
He’s living out a fantasy, dreaming of being with the old college friend (who he probably had a thing for BITD) instead of his frumpy, old depressed wife.
Always trust your gut.
I cannot stress this enough, forget about hubby for a quick minute and focus on YOU.
You must build yourself up mentally before you can tackle what’s happening with your hubby. Unless you fill your own cup, nothing he ever does will make you happy – so go to the gym, see your gp and/or a therapist, establish some hobbies and make new friends.
Once you’re in a good place, approach your hubby if this is still an issue. But for now, you’ve got to change this up and focus on you. Once you do this, it will not bloody matter what he does. You won’t even care because your main focus will be your own happiness and that’s how it should be.
With your mental state being the way that it is, do not leap into hasty decisions rn, leave or call for divorce etc (some of the comments on your post are a little extreme tbh). This will make things even more difficult for you. Marriage is not easy, nor is it always perfect, so before you do anything on that front, build up your mental and physical strength first and then approach the task of strengthening your marriage.
Definitely an emotional affair. Either you must walk or take control of the situation! He will have to choose between you and her. Brace yourself due to the affair fog he may choose her!
Red flag
Also it’s a poor idea to confide in someone else about your marriage issues
Unless ofc its too messed up
Esp someone of the opposite sex
You seem extremely understanding; you should be pissed. He’s 38 and acting like a hormonal teenager. Texting someone else 200-300 times per day and almost every hour? Who tf has time to do this? And what “events” is he attending with her?
He may not be physically cheating, yet. He is emotionally cheating. He’s neglecting you. He’s neglecting his responsibilities around your home. Your husband is not present in your relationship. He needs to cut ties with her. She’s a friend from many years ago. You are his wife. You should be the priority. If he can’t make that commitment, then you have some hard decisions to make.
On a side note, it’s not surprising that his work is miserable. Who wants to work with someone who continually texts throughout the day? If co-workers have to do his job, they are probably complaining about him. As they should.
You need to see the texts for yourself. If it’s truly innocent, he shouldn’t object to that.
He is supporting her through her mental health issues while yours continue to decline. Do with that information what you will.
He’s averaging a text to her every 4 minutes across a 16 hour waking day. Wtf.
He’s having an emotional affair, though he might not grasp it fully.
In therapy, I’d ask if he’s willing to return this friendship back to the once-a-year birthday texts. You can even say that you’re not accusing him of anything, but it makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure. Is he willing to distance himself from the friendship for the security of your marriage? If not, then that’s a huge problem.
And while I say don’t accuse him of anything – he’s straight-up emotional cheating. This is an affair. But if you call him out of that, you put him on the defensive. If he hasn’t fucked her, he’s going to have a hard time believing he’s cheating. Let the therapist explain that to him, not you.
Go through his phone and don’t feel bad about it, he’s your husband.
That’s not a friend that is his GF. He is going to have to choose between his marriage or her. Going out on dates with her is inappropriate too. Get all your docs, access to accounts before you do. He may very well chose her but then you know where your marriage stands.
If they’re “meeting up for food and going to events,” there is a good chance this is possibly more than an emotional affair. Especially since he’s texting that much.
You definitely need to find out where you stand in all of this. You have every reason to be suspicious.
Check those messages. If he refuses, he’s hiding something. If you are able to read through the messages and find out he’s having an emotional or full-on affair, take appropriate action. Then get yourself into therapy.
>I got a notification about the phone bill being up
What is this 2006? You guys don’t have rollover on your Cingular plan?
I’m someone that doesn’t mind if my husband has female friends as I have male friends. But, in this instance, it sounds like she’s his girlfriend. This is definitely not ok
Ask if he could spend some time with you instead of his girlfriend.
Time to hit the road
This just happened to me with a mutual friend. She knew my husband first and despite how uncomfortable I was made the relationship work as I thought I was just being jealous. Well a month later turns out there was having an emotional affair going on. Trust your gut. If he has nothing to hide she will have no problem showing you.
First of all, really sorry you’re going through this.
And I agree with everything said here so far: Yes, he is emotionally cheating and you need to look out for yourself and your mental health here. It’s already been declining and this will only make you feel so much worse about yourself!!
I’d suggest you go on a little vacation by yourself to remove yourself from this troubling situation, and to figure out your next steps. I don’t think he’s reached the stage yet where he’s honest with himself about the situation and therefore can’t tell you the truth yet – although obviously your gut feeling is very likely spot on about this. Also kinda weird that he’s there for her with her mental health issues but doesn’t give you the same support?! I think you’re reacting way too kind.
My advice:
Put your game face on, build your own emotional support (and financial) safety net and then IF you want to, start counseling where he hopefully realizes what a shitty move this was! I know it seems harmless because no actual harm was done but emotional cheating is so much worse and there’s hardly any coming back from it. You’ll always feel insecure and it is a major trust breach.
Sending you strength! You got this!!
Focus on yourself and prepare to go. He’s clearly emotionally cheating and may be physically cheating. I wouldn’t trust that he told you everything and I guarantee he’s not going to let go of that friend. It’ll just eat at you and make your health worse.
My wife did the same. Then wanted to say I was neglecting her. He’s full of shit.
Councilling is a waste of time and money. When it’s over its over and no amount of councilling will help.
Leave him. He loves her and wants to keep you just in case it doesn’t work out between them. You don’t have to give permission for this nonsense, go on and thrive without them
I’m picturing “Good morning, beautiful. How did you sleep?” Meanwhile, he says they talk about their issues.. but I certainly hope if I was having mental, physical, etc. concerns… that my spouse would be attentive and give me the emotional support if I deserve instead of spending the better part of their day offering the same to another woman.
Hundreds of texts a day? No one is into just a friend that much.
The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass addresses the exact situation you’re in.
It’s an emotional affair. It’s time for an ultimatum.
>He claims that they mostly talk about her mental health issues — she vents her problems and he listens.
Is he her therapist? No. She needs a therapist then.
>He’s averaging 200-300 texts a day and over 3/4th are hers. Going back as far as I can check (February), it’s been that way everyday. I dug further and found time stamps: he texts her as soon as he wakes up, and nearly every hour until he goes to bed. Sometimes it’s nonstop for many hours. Even at times he was hanging out with me at home. In comparison, his BFF has 1/4 of her text volume, and mine even less.
Yeah, no. This isn’t a friendship with her. This is excessive. You don’t text with friends like this. You text lovers like this.
He is having an emotional and probably physical affair at this point. You should ask him to not meet her in person and to not share his emotional feelings with her. If he can’t do this, I would leave him. He’s already gone I know it’s hard to hear but it’s true. He’s already moved on he just doesn’t want the financial hassel of a divorce. Sue him for infidelity in your divorce so you can move on with your life financially
Talking to another person about your marriage is, at the very least, violating the boundaries of your marriage. Odds are he won’t back off, he will just learn to hide it better.
Does he have WhatsApp, Instagram, etc? There might be racier content between them in those messages.
If he was defensive or stonewalling when you confronted him, that’s a huge red flag. It’s hard to actually see things for what they are when you are in the middle of it, but he’s probably cheating and you are just starting to find out the extent of it.
He is having an EA. I am sorry. Please read Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.
Imo you are massively under-reacting to this based on your comments.
Assuming your husband has 16 waking hours a day, he’s texting her on average every 3 minutes ALL DAY! And apparently this has been going on for months? You mention that she’s married, as if this is some sort of shield against infidelity. One only needs to spend a few minutes on this sub to discover this does nothing to prevent cheating.
I would absolutely feel 100% confident in telling my husband I want him to cut all contact immediately. If he needs friends, he can make different friends. Even in my wildest imagination, I can’t see how 300 texts a day, day after day, between a man and a woman can remain platonic and innocent. Like, what could they talk about that much? Friends don’t talk that much unless you’re middle school girls or something.
This woman wants your husband. Make her a hard boundary. Ask for full disclosure. Save your relationship by telling him to stop communicating. Get STD tested in case they have been intimate. They have had ample time alone. Review all financial records to confirm no hotel stays during any events they went together.
Since you confronted him firet, he has likely deleted their chat history. You could demand his phone to go through the chats. Or, if you know his password snoop.
You did the adult thing by talking to him about it first. Seems he was not giving satisfactory or honest responses.
I cannot imagine texting someone who is not my spouse (especially an old flame) hundreds of times. That is at the least emotional cheating, at worst actual cheating.
He’s already emotionally cheating. If he messages her throughout the day it means she’s all he could think about from the moment he wakes up. Ask him to show you their texts. If you really want to know everything. If he doesn’t want to show it or if he already deleted it, then it means he’s more loyal to her than you. It’s also very disrespectful that he vents to her about you. And how does he have so much energy to meet another woman’s emotional needs? Why does he care about her feelings and problems? Setting aside the time and attention he could have given to his wife.
Text him “hey, divorce??? Yes or no??”
Pick me or her decide now.
You know what’s going on. He’s not telling you the truth and honestly, he probably went right to this “BFF” and vented about exactly what you said. Unless you hack/snoop through his phone and see for yourself, you likely will not know the extent that this goes. As a therapist, marriage counseling will do NOTHING when both parties aren’t on board 100% – and it sounds like he’s not. Furthermore, if I know major depressive disorders (and boy do I, I’ve had MDD since age 12) YOU should be in individual therapy; not both of you together. Depression lies to you and will trick you into thinking that you’re not worth the truth and that you DO somehow deserve this kind of treatment, but you don’t.
This isn’t just a friendship. This sounds like an emotional affair. While I feel like marriage counseling is a good idea, I don’t think it will matter if he’s still maintaining his inappropriate “friendship”. She needs to go. Her mental health issues aren’t your husband’s problem and his venting to her regarding your marital issues is such a betrayal.