TL;DR: My boyfriend (29M) and I (23F) have faced multiple relationship problems, including his involvement with escorts, saving explicit content, and not being over his ex. His recent admission about visiting a strip club has left me questioning our future. Despite considering him the love of my life, his repeated actions suggest he may need more than what I can provide. Am I blind to the reality of our relationship? Is there a viable future for us?
I (23F) am in desperate need of some advice regarding the state of my relationship with my boyfriend (29M). Over the past three years, we have encountered various issues, but it seems like each hurdle only strengthens our bond. However, upon closer examination, I’ve come to realize that these problems have been mostly one-sided and deeply unsettling.
One significant problem I discovered was my boyfriend’s involvement with escorts. I caught him texting them and seeking their availability, which left me feeling betrayed and hurt. Furthermore, I’ve stumbled upon pictures and videos he saved, depicting explicit encounters with other women. These actions have only intensified my feelings of insecurity and mistrust.
Additionally, we have dealt with past issues concerning his inability to let go of his ex before entering our relationship. This lingering attachment has caused tension and made me question whether I can truly be his priority.
Recently, I decided to confront him about his past visits to strip clubs. Initially, he vehemently denied ever going, but eventually resorted to saying, “I don’t know.” Finally, he admitted that he had been to a strip club in 2022, even though we had been together since 2020. This revelation has left me wondering if there’s something missing in our relationship that he seeks elsewhere.
Despite all these problems, I still consider him the love of my life. However, his recurring actions and patterns of behavior make me doubt whether we have a future together. Am I blinded by love, hoping for a different outcome? Can we truly build a healthy and secure relationship?
I’m seeking advice and perspective from the Reddit community. Have any of you experienced similar situations? How did you navigate through such challenges? Am I being naive to hope for a change? Any insights or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
10 comments
stop wasting your time. let him go
He’s not a faithful man. He never has been.
Can you be secure and healthy with someone you cannot reasonably expect to be faithful to you?
You are being naive. These are not “challenges”. This is him making choices. Major changes in character and in core choices are rare, and they have to be internally motivated. Unless he has explained clearly why he has changed his choices moving forward, for himself and the life he wants for himself, and not just to appease you, there is no reason to believe he will not choose what he feels perfectly entitled to choose: Which is to engage with sex workers and lie to you about it.
You’re 23. You got a hell of a lot more life left. I wouldn’t recommend wasting any more of it on this one.
Find your self respect and leave.
The “love of your life” wouldn’t treat you with this much disrespect, it’s time to take the rose coloured glasses off and stop projecting romantic fantasies onto a guy that’s clearly not invested to the same level as you
He won’t magically change. It’s a waste of time staying in this.
You have blinders on, but the good news is, it sounds like you’re starting to see this.
Believe it or not, I think part of the problem here is your ages. When this began, you were barely out of your teens, and he was a grown man of 26. It often says something about a person when they end up with someone so much younger. This was your 1st adult relationship, meaning you probably ignored a lot of red flags you won’t ignore the next time around.
As for now, you have a guy who has proven he’s dishonest, disrespectful and several other things. When you say each hurdle “strengthens your bond”, this simply isn’t true. These hurdles add to your shared history, but that doesn’t mean you’re maturing as a couple in a healthy way. It means you’re becoming co-dependent on his bad traits.
Set yourself free.
Christ, just leave already.
You’re fundamentally misunderstanding the issue here.
There is nothing lacking in your relationship. There is nothing you’re not doing that would fix this.
He seeks attention elsewhere because *he wants to*. One relationship, no matter how perfect, would never be enough for him because he *wants* the side activities.
He will not change for you. At absolute most, he’ll start hiding his activities better and not tell you anything. He does not see this as a betrayal of you, and he does not see it as something you need to know. That’s a fundamental mismatch on a DEEP level.
So your choice is, is the rest of your relationship so good that you can overlook him seeking attention elsewhere on a regular basis? Or do you want a relationship with open communication and no side activities? Because if it’s the latter… you’re not getting it with him.
When you stay with somebody after these sorts of problems, it shows them that you will not leave, even if they do things that you find totally unacceptable. It basically gives them a green light to keep doing it because in your mind getting over these issues “only strengthens our bond” and “despite all these problems I still consider him the love of my life.” When you have that mentality, it is easy to find stuck in a relationship where your partner treats you like crap, because you’ve shown them you won’t leave.
The way you wind up with somebody who treats you with respect and who doesn’t do these things, is that you break up with everybody who crosses those lines that you don’t want crossed. Eventually you wind up with somebody who is on the same page as you about how they should behave in a relationship, and your connection is so much stronger for it.
I think staying with somebody where these issues have come up is woefully naive.
What’s your plan here exactly?
Why do you hate yourself so much?