Hello all,
I have never posted in this subreddit, but would like advice.
I found out today that my girlfriend was previously married. I stumbled upon this information when she enlisted my help with her email. I was looking for a document she needed when I stumbled upon a document emailed to her in the form of an affidavit for a petition of dissolution of marriage.
It included her name as well as her ex-husband. She has never told me she was previously married, but she has had ample time to do so in our three years together.
I’m conflicted on how to process this information. On one hand, I shouldn’t have found the document. On the other hand, she shouldn’t have kept this from me. I understand everyone is entitled to their own privacy, but this may have been a great topic to bring up to me.
Is this something I should bring up to her, or leave it alone and wait to see if she ever brings it up?
48 comments
It’s already been 3 years. Ask.
Just ask. It really might be nothing. I got married at 18 and found out the dude was gay and he just wanted out of the barracks. I’m embarrassed I got fooled so almost no one knows about my first marriage. I literally never talk about it
You can ask directly in this case. No use in keeping secrets. Be kind and direct, you stumbled on it when doing a requested task. “So you were previously married?” “When did you intend to let me know?” Are pretty normal questions to have after such a discovery.
Idk about OP but if someone hides being divorced it’s usually a 🚩
How long have you been dating?
Have you ever asked her at any point and she said no? Or was it just assumed?
Red flag and all but I would dissect the why it was hidden. It’s not an immediate deal breaker tbh. Getting divorced can be embaressing for many folks, myself included. It doesn’t justify a lie or withholding it but 3 year relationship can and should be able to work thru this if communication is there.
Lmao just run dude
You need to ask, thats not something that should be hidden. She may be afraid to tell you but could you really be with someone who is intentionally hiding their past from you?
Leave it be and allow her to bring it up.
It’s worth remembering that sometimes people put traumatic periods of their life behind some pretty high walls and going through a divorce, especially if it was a contentious one, is going to be at the top of that list.
I have a feeling that your gf has put that part of her life in a box marked “never to be opened” and she may be very reluctant to open it.
Give it time OP. She’ll open up about it when she is good and ready.
I was married and divorced before 25 because my ex was horrifically abusive. Like, cops, courts, PTSD abusive. It’s hard to think about what I went through let alone talk about it with anyone, even my long term partner. While I don’t condone the fact she hid her prior marriage from you for three years *at all*, I think that you may want to show her some grace when you choose to address this issue. Perhaps she hid it to be deceptive but it’s equally possible that she hid it out of shame. There’s a stigma around being divorced in your 20s and its baggage that, frankly, can be embarrassing. I moved cities after I left my ex and none of my friends where I live now know that I was married before (which is obviously different from your situation but I can empathize with the impulse to hide that info). Obviously, however, it’s something that she should have disclosed to you and something that you likely would’ve discovered if you ever applied for a marriage license with her, so it’s odd she continued to hide it after things got serious between you two.
It is appropriate to ask about it…just say you were looking as she asked and found this document saying something about divorce. Could she have a conversation…you were rather surprised. Might be nothing, but I dated a woman once…found out some months into the relationship she gave up custody of her two children as well as the marriage. I had no idea until some time into seeing her. We parted friends eventually, but giving up kids is a big deal.
It may be nothing or it may have other baggage attached you’d like to know about.
Some people want to forget the past. Especially if it was real bad. There could be an issue of shame or trauma.
She’s your gf not your wife so she doesn’t really owe you an explanation but it’s best just to ask rather then come on reddit acting like she wronged you somehow.
Is it possible she thought she DID mention it to you before and you understood it was something she didn’t want to talk about? Not that she actually did mention it but it’s possible she believes she did. Either way just ask her if you really want to know.
You were helping her so it’s not like you were searching for anything.
Just say “when I was helping you with your email I came across a document that had information about you that I was unaware of. If it’s a painful or bad memory, I understand, but i thought that we were open and honest with each other about everything. Is there a reason why I learned you were previously married by accident?”
Unpopular opinion but people aren’t entitled to each others pasts. No one is required to give you information about shit they went through. Yeah you can ask since it was an accidental snoop but don’t be shocked if it’s not received well or she doesn’t want to talk about it.
I’ve been married before. I also haven’t told my current SO because it was such an awful, traumatizing time that I don’t even acknowledge it. It’s not who I am, not anything I can even remember because of all the abuse I suffered, and it’s not something I even want to believe that I did. The person I was then, died with the divorce, and the person I was married to literally IS dead now from a drug overdose.
I’ve chosen not to accept that as my truth. Some people may have difficulty understanding it, but it’s my business and my choice not to bring it up.
However, if my SO were to ask, of course I would tell the truth. As hard as it might be to relive/explain that part of my past, I would.
Just ask her directly about it, and then you’ll have more information to make an informed decision.
Yeah, you just need to bring it up. ‘Hey, I know we all have past experiences, but I saw this email while helping your the other day that confused me. It’s ok if you need to tell me something I should know.’
I agree that maybe she was embarrassed or just wanted to tell you and was scared to. Then over time didn’t know how to bring it up. Not that it excuses anything, she should have said something, but I can see how this just didn’t fit into any conversation.
My partner was previously married (still might be technically, actually). She was raised johovas witness and was basically forced into marriage super young.
She broke down and told me after dating for two years. I told her I didn’t care, and we’ve been together over a decade now.
Peoples’ pasts can be traumatic. Ask her, now that you’ve seen it, but accept that she might not be ready to tell you everything – and that doesn’t have to be suspicious.
You guys have been together for 3 years. I would bring it up to her, approach without anger or accusation in your voice. Just be as neutral as you can. If you approach her without anger/accusation, it’s easier to get her to tell you and confide in you.
Inquire why she never told you that she used to be married, is there a reason why she hides this from you and whether or not she’ll ever let you know?
Good luck.
ETA: My husband didn’t let me know upfront too that he’s married twice before me. He only mentioned the first one. It turned out, after digging deeper, he’s thoroughly ashamed with his 2nd marriage, since it happened only a few hours after meeting each other as they were getting drunk and was daring each other. They got married in some chapel in LV- then got a divorce a month later since it turned out they were not compatible as a couple.
Perhaps she had an abusive ex, that she wanted to pretend he never existed.
Approach it delicately. God knows what she went through with her ex.
I feel like you can ask – gently, being honest that you found out something you shouldn’t have, reinforcing that she doesn’t have to talk about it if she doesn’t want to and accepting it if she doesn’t (or only wants to give you bare minimum details).
For me the fact you two have talked about marriage would feel like a reason to bring it up (although I wouldn’t say that to her, even in a jokey way), because it feels like that’s the point when you’d find out anyway. But it may be that for whatever reason she doesn’t want to talk about it in depth. I know when I got divorced aged 31 I was very reluctant to talk about it, especially with people who weren’t around at the time (I started a new job about six months after the divorce and my colleagues didn’t find out I’d been married until almost three years later), because I felt ashamed of ‘failing’. So it could be feeling like that, it could be that her ex was abusive or cheated, it could be she got married for the ‘wrong’ reasons – any number of things.
Basically don’t put pressure on her and tell her it won’t change how you feel about her, and let her open up about it in her own time when you ask. But I definitely think you’d be in your right to ask the question – ‘hey, so I have to tell you I saw something I shouldn’t in your email and found out you’d been married before, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to but if you do then I’m here and willing to listen’. Best of luck.
As someone who’s been married and divorced and only married to give my ex health insurance, I didn’t see the need to tell my bf about the marriage part. It made no difference in my current relationship.
I did end up telling him only because I was running into issues with getting my ex to sign the divorce paperwork and I didn’t want the current bf to think I was hung up on him or anything and that’s why I talked to him.
But if the paperwork had already gone in and was processed, I never would have mentioned it and nothing would have change between the bf and I.
Just ask her about it. Maybe she made a hasty decision when she was young, realized her mistake and got divorced soon after. If the marriage only lasted a few months and it was a decade ago I can see her not mentioning it.
Why do you feel entitled to her history? Maybe the marriage was abusive and she doesn’t like talking about it. Maybe it was the biggest mistake of her life and she doesn’t like talking about it. Maybe she doesn’t feel it’s your business and she *doesn’t like talking about it*. If she felt you needed to know, it’s like you said, she has had plenty of time to tell you in the three years you’ve been together.
You also don’t open an attachment like a legal document by “stumbling upon it”; I have a folder full of divorce documentation in my email archives and each file is clearly labeled as what it is: Alimony Agreement Form XYZ, Divorce Decree Form ABC, Declaration of Separation dd/mm/yy. Sounds fishy, and like you were more nosy than inept.
I could see not bringing it up for the first month or two after you first start dating, but after 3 years she still hasn’t brought it up?
That’s a big red flag.
Another option I haven’t seen anyone bring up is a green card marriage. I’ve met several people who “married” a friend so they could stay in the country. Seems like the kind of thing you could imagine withholding from someone since it doesn’t really count and is technically a crime.
Dude. What else she hiding?
May I ask what it has changed about her with you knowing this. What is she doing differently?
There’s a lot of people here minimizing this. I’m amazed, this is an enormous red flag that needs confronting. You’ve been together three years and only just found this out? She never told you? Her friends and family never told you? What sort of relationship are you actually in? Sorry to ask but this is pretty dumbfounding and begs the question…..
….What else hasn’t she told you?
Reading below, you’ve been living together for two years and are discussing marriage? Um, yeah, you definitely need to confront her with this. That said, there are all sorts of reasons why she may have hidden this from you. Shame, guilt etc. or maybe it was just a dumb thing she did while very young but if it’s nothing, why hide it? Or if it’s something you should know about it if you’re considering spending the rest of your life with this woman.
There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy!
Dissolution sounds like “the marriage should never have happened” rather than happily married for a while then divorced. So I definitely echo approaching her gently about it.
“Never have I ever married another man”
Everyone is going to feel like they should handle this differently, I think the key point is to just be respectful and understanding when you address it with her. For me, I am not sure why this would matter. Do you love her for who she is to you now, or who she was in the past?
I personally would not enter a relationship with someone that hides their previous relationship history from me. This would be an instant dealbreaker for me
Sounds like a loving trusting relationship. Not sure you can take anything at face value here. That’s is too strange for me. I would be looking for my exits and making a plan myself. Big ole red flag. Three weeks sure, three years… she hides things.
You’ve been with her for 3 years and there were no indicators? Does she have a different last name than her parents? Did her parents say “Your Ex really liked your Mom’s stuffing” at thanksgiving dinner? Seems like someone somewhere in 3 years time would have made a comment that would have clued you in. Is she keeping you away from friends and family?
Very weird to not bring up. Is weird you never asked, but it’s extremely weird she never brought it up. That’s kind of a red flag. There’s a reason behind the divorce, but there’s another reason as to why she never told you.
Dump her.
The question here for you is: why do you care? That relationship didn’t work, and people don’t like reliving their mistakes. Does being married once upon a time somehow change how much she cares about you or who she is?
Also, Reddit is the worst place to get relationship advice, everyone’s response is to just break up with the person because they don’t understand solo point of view and have no perspective on your relationship.
You have every right to bring it up if you were deceived into being in a relationship with someone who isn’t who they say they are. For me that is a sign of selfishness that crosses boundaries which is a pretty contradictory behavior/action to do in a serious relationship. If someone is willing to lie to deceive someone “close” for their own gain and disregard their time and choices, then what makes you think this person would be trustworthy? That kind of just ruins the relationship knowing the other person is capable of doing that to “close” people because they have no values for their own selfishness that drags others.
I kind of feel like the bigger question is what do you want to get from this?
Does it matter that she was married? Maybe it was a terribly abusive relationship that she wants to forget.
Have you had long conversations about all of your exs and you feel lied to about this? Have you told her every aspect from your life? Maybe it’s just not that big of a deal to her. She might just see it as another failed relationship.
If this is important and a deal breaker for you to not know the details, ask. But if you can’t accept a potential “I didn’t think it was a big deal” as her only answer, you might be looking at the end of your relationship.
Was the divorce from before she met you? Or after you began dating?
If long before you were together and she hasn’t told you any direct lies I wouldn’t mention it, unless you have a dealbreaker that rules out ever dating the divorced.
“Hey (name/pet name), when I was helping with your email before, one of the emails mentioned something about a divorce. I didn’t look through it but, was that a divorce you went through or someone else?”
Essentially, ask but keep it to a manner that doesn’t make accusations. There’s a wide variety of reasons people get divorced, and while 80% of divorces are initiated by women, it could be for very good reasons or part of the other 20%. Also keep in mind she may or may not give a completely honest reason for the divorce, since many people don’t want to put themselves in a bad light.
Look it up in public records to make sure she’s divorced.
If so, let it go. This is only relevant if you guys decide to get married in which case she’ll probably have to share it with you.
If you haven’t had any clue in 3 years then he’s obviously not in the picture.
>I shouldn’t have found the document
Says who?? She is the one who asked you for help, and you stumbled upon it. It’s not like you went looking for it.
I would absolutely lose my shit. Not because my boyfriend has previously been married, but because he didn’t tell me about it for three **years**. A lie by omission is still a lie. Why did she hide it??
There could be plenty of reasons for her not to tell you: abuse is the first that comes to mind, arranged marriage (idk what culture) extremely young marriage. I’d ask her. You should have the kind of relationship where this can come up in conversation.
Just say “ have you ever been married “ polite non judge mental tone