Hi Reddit, appreciate you havin’ me, I hope that someone can read this and offer some advice or something. The first time I came here for help I’d posted an essay long post on a similar sub and got no responses, so this time I’ll try and make it short. I really hope I can at least get some advice or perspective on this with this post.
Well, I’m nineteen years old, American, and have gone my whole life without really making any friends. To paint the scene, I was fairly outgoing when I was young but have always found it exceedingly difficult to make any actual relationships with anyone in my elementary school. My parents weren’t too involved in my social life and I had cousins to play with so it didn’t really get noticed. My parent’s parenting style has always been pretty laissez-faire. I’ve always been a weird kid but I feel like everyone’s at least a little weird, so I don’t think it was that. I guess I didn’t make it easy for myself, I’ve always been kind of a nerdy kid, loved video games, music, and video editing from a pretty young age. I spent elementary school and middle school alone despite many attempts at making friends and socializing with people who I thought were my friends until I realized the definition of friend is not “person you talk to more than a couple of times”. It took me until my sophomore year of high school when quarantine hit for it to actually start severely affecting me. I had friends on Skype and eventually Discord to talk to, and it was when I was telling them I was spending most of my nights imagining conversations with people from my high school, and them telling me how weird and not normal that is, that I realized I’ve been severely isolated for a long time. I resolved to try harder to make some friends at the end of my junior year because the isolation was really getting to me. Senior year came and I met a girl in my band class who actually told me that she’d been wanting to be friends with me for a while, but hadn’t had the chance to really talk to me until we got to talk to each other at an event. This was new to me, I’d never met someone who actually desired to be my friend and this made me really happy in a way that I’d never felt before. I pursued a friendship with her, we got pretty close, talked a lot over Discord and in school, we would tell each other a lot of things that even our friends didn’t know about, and overall it was one of the few periods of my life where I felt content with things. I never needed a big friend group or anything, just one normal friend who I could talk to and spend time with. It was like that, for a few months.
One day my mental state was getting pretty bad, and I had remembered that she told me once that if I ever needed someone to vent to that she would listen, and I asked her if she would cause I needed someone to talk to. That was when the reality of the situation started to reveal itself. I didn’t feel comfortable doing it over a call or anything so I asked her if we could just talk in-person somewhere after school, just hang or something. She told me she would like to but didn’t know if her boyfriend was okay with it. Me being a naïve kid who didn’t know any better thought she was telling the truth and didn’t realize that’s a line used to make creepy people essentially go away. I said that’s fine and to let me know. I was so dumb and trusting that I’d forgone the fact that she has never mentioned a boyfriend before, because she didn’t have one, and I thought that she was my friend and she wouldn’t lie to me. Well, time passed and she never let me know about that, but there was one day where she noticed I was not doing very good, she caught me looking pretty depressed in class, and said that she would finally hear me out. Yeah, i know, i’m stupid. It took a few missed meetups and empty excuses but the day came where someone in this world cared enough about me to listen to my problems. I never thought I would tell her that I was actually a really lonely kid but my mental state was really bad and I thought we were close enough to where we could tell each other real stuff. I told her that throughout my life I never really had any friends and was glad to be her friend and that she helped me through some tough times, and I thanked her for caring enough to notice me in a tough spot and reaching out. Things after that point never seemed right. I’d try and make plans and she’d say yes and then flake or make an excuse. The only times we would hang out was when she was doing things with her actual friends from her massive social circle and she let me tag along. We were friends for like a year and only hung out one on one like once, and it was a really short thing cause she had to go home for something in the middle of it. To this day I don’t know what she thought of me. I don’t know if she thought I was a creep or she looked down on me and wanted to be my pretend friend. After a few months of this I made the decision to cut contact for the sake of my mental health after I asked her to hang out for the final time and she said she’d “let me know” when, and then no response. I’m simplifying everything massively but this post is still so goddamn long, I’m sorry.
Her friendship was the one thing that I held as proof that maybe I’m worth something to someone, that I can make friends and that I should stick around. I never saw her again after I blocked her, I had already graduated and quit the job that she started working at with me. I read about people who have no friends and are complete loners and usually that’s followed by testimonials from people who say that “oh, that guy was a complete asshole to people, bullied other constantly”, or things like “he never made an attempt to socialize, complete social recluse”. I don’t think I’m like that, I always tried to make friends, I don’t think I’m a bad person. I’ve spent so many nights trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, am I secretly an asshole to people, do people not like how I look, was I too loud in that one conversation back in sixth grade and that’s why no one liked me. I’ve run through every memory in my head hundred fold, and now I’m vomiting all of this out on reddit because I have no one to talk to about this. I think about killing myself pretty much every day, some days aren’t so bad but others days can get really bad. I feel like a disappointment to my parents and older siblings who have worked really hard so I wouldn’t have a shitty life just for me to fumble the ball at the outset. I’m in university now and can barely keep up with the workload, I haven’t made a single friend here and the one person from my high school that came to the same school as me also likes to watch me make plans with them and then ignore me when I ask when they’re free. I constantly think about killing myself but I don’t actually plan on going through with it, all it does it make me not want to do homework or take care of myself. I’ve tried going to group therapy to learn how to make friends and I apply myself but it doesn’t seem to be working. They’re more so about people who are anxious to talk to people. My problem is no one seems to like me. I’m sure its worse now, I stopped going to the gym after a six-month-long stint because people told me that working out helps with your mental health. I feel so fundamentally out of place wherever I go. I used to be able to push through it because I have a passion in music that I actually think is going somewhere, but now it’s getting worse. My mental state is getting worse, the knowledge that it only gets harder to make friends from here is becoming more relevant, the knowledge that I look forward to nothing except work and work and it’s just so fucking quiet. It’s so quiet it’s maddening. I wish I could just have someone in my real life who cares about me so I can care about them without feeling like such a fucking gullible idiot. I don’t know how to make friends like this. I’ve tried so many things, I put my faith in my God to help and it seems like nothing has happened. I just want to fucking kill myself. I can barely keep up with my coursework and it’s making everything worse. I hate having to ask my professors for extensions. I straight up don’t know what to do anymore.
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Edit:
Sorry for not saying anything earlier. I got in a bit of a funk after I wrote this and could barely get out of bed for a few days, could not bring myself to do school work, and am currently pulling an all-nighter to undo all of that. I wanted to thank all of you who took the time out of your day to leave extremely thoughtful advice and perspectives and those who reached out to me in private messages. It’s been helping more than you know, even though I’m just now emerging out of my little episode, I feel my mindset changing a bit. I really don’t know what to say, man. I genuinely never thought anyone would care enough to leave the length of messages and comments you all did. I’ve been going to therapy with a school therapist for a bit and we’ve recently been looking at referring me to a non-school therapist that will have enough time for ongoing sessions. For so long now I’ve been tormented by all of this in my brain that I was thinking there was something indelibly wrong with me because of my past and that there’s no reason for me to even try anything anymore. It really means a lot to me that so many of you came to my aid. I’m gonna keep trying, if nothing else then to say that I kept trying, I guess.
Thanks.
36 comments
Please don’t lose hope! Sometimes it’s crazy how unpredictable life can be and you never know what it has reserved you unless you actually live. I know this might sound stupid but hold on. You are only 19, you have a life ahead full of unpredictable days. Maybe your future self in a parallel universe is trying desperately to tell you to hold on and wait to the best to happen. I really believe that myself because I have been diagnosed with depression so I know what “survival mode” is but I have learned to live day by day and just let life come to me as it is. And rather than saying “this will always be the case” I have learned to tell myself “this is how life presents to me today and I don’t know what life is going to be like tomorrow”. Hugs!
Man all I can say is I really resonate with what you’ve written, I’ve been in that complete isolation and a lot of what you’re saying was me a while ago. It really is a hopeless feeling, but I want you to know that there is hope. Things change and I’ve managed to find a couple of close friends over the years that I’m very grateful for.
I’m not sure what access you have to health services but would it be possible for you to talk this over with a professional 1 on 1?
You are worthy of companionship. Please don’t give up.
Hi there!
I’m a 19f also in my first year of uni!!! I read your post and I just wanna say i’m so sorry you have been isolated for so long. You sound so sweet and genuine and it’s heartbreaking to read you talk about yourself in such a harsh way. Like the other comments say, please please don’t lose hope. You have had so many accomplishments so far; not everyone makes it to college, or even through highschool. Most people go through their lives without ever having a passion like you. It sounds like you are in a dark place right now which makes school and work and all else so much harder. I don’t have great advice for making friends bc I am super super shy but I do know from experience that when people approach me and start speaking about literally anything I feel so seen and appreciated. That is to say people are a lot lonelier than you might expect. Your past experiences absolutely do not define you nor do they mean anything about who you are. I promise you there are people out there, on your campus that would love to be your friend. Maybe you won’t meet them for a little while but that’s okay. Be gentle with yourself!!!!
also my messages are open if you ever need someone to listen!
I used to be a nerd, but I’m a geek now. Hanging out with groups of people that like the same things I do (video games, legos, TTRPGs, TCGs) has helped my social life. When I was in high school I hung out with a group of anime geeks that played MTG. Now I go to card stores and play MTG with new people every week, but also I see some of my old classmates from high school.
I don’t have any real friends, but I have acquaintances. And I really want to make a real friend
I made bunch of friends in college and after college, none of them text me or call me. I lost contact with all of them. Of course ill get a response if i text them first but one sided stuff isnt really a friendship
Just work on yourself, start eating healty and get back into the gym. You have proven that you are capable enough to get friends, but you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else will, even if you have to fake it. Your interest in the gym and music combined with being joyful and happy will make you a lot of friends in no time
But make sure that you don’t trauma dump on people, the reality is that nobody really cares about what you’re going through, as everyone is going through something, especially new friends. When you meet new people you should talk about your hobbies and interests, not the stuff you’re going through.
About to turn 18 here, I didn’t read the full post because I’m short on time, but I have one and only one thing to tell you that I learnt about friendship: it takes some time, a LOT of time, and a lot of meetings and trust, for someone to actually start really caring about a newly met friend.
I thought that friendship was something that developed overnight, and that after just a couple of meetings two people can be considered “good friends”.
I met new people, and I felt left out from their group because I was new. This made me feel lonely and anxious.
I later realized that it’s just a matter of time, and after a few months I started getting closer to those friends. It’s only now, after months, that I can consider them, and they can consider me, a friend.
So, summarizing, it’s just a matter of lots of patience. The closer you get to a person and the more time elapses, the more you two will grow together. And sometimes this doesn’t happen, but that’s because you two are not compatible. Simple
Hey man, I’m sorry about your situation. I’d suggest joining groups of people with similar interests. For example, if you like Dungeons & Dragons, find a group and schedule times to play (this is just an example). It’s a great way to connect with new people, and most of all, be patient. It takes months to truly consider someone a friend, just get to know them the best you can. You got this brother!
I advise getting a job especially in retail at your age. There’s a smaller pool of people to talk to around your age, so your coworkers have to talk to you even about work and to vent. If you work at a Music Store even better! I work at one and my coworkers love to geek out on music and music equipment to whoever. I am shy and was having some trouble talking to them but then as we need to figure things out together or complain about customers etc we’ve been talking a lot more. There’s naturally stuff to do there. I met my friend group and boyfriend at a retail job. It’s one of the benefits at this age
God I almost cried while reading this post,thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Please don’t lose hope I don’t know if it’s appropriate to say this but I really resonate with your situation I feel like everyone hates me.
I’m also completely isolated at time I can go weeks without having a real conversation with anyone and I know at times it’s hard the loneliness gets to you it’s maddening it really is.
But please hold on to your passions,hold on to your hope whatever keeps you going hold firmly on to it.
You sound like a genuinely nice and kind hearted person I’m sure you’ll make it through these hard times.
Focus on what matters and what you can change, You’ve got this!!
1. Try go to therapy if you can. You have a lot of baggage you need to work through, and expecting a friend to help you with that isn’t fair.
2. Join social clubs/societies – sport, video games, board games, drinking
3. Get more hobbies that you can talk to people about. It sounds like you just want to talk to potential friends about how shit you feel all the time, that is not something people really want to talk about (this is why you need a therapist).
May I say this….Trust in your own intuition to allow yourself to feel self love, that’s where it all starts, if you love yourself first, you will always attract people that self love as well and will see you for who you are. Society has put an expectation of who you should be, person with friends, followers and such but at the core of it all it starts with you….and you only….do you love what you do, do you love you? If not….begin now….from there the universe will unfold a deep path of purpose and along with it, your tribe that are meant to be there with you and the people that will honor you for you. In the meantime, there’s always us here supporting the ones that need it most, don’t shy away from sending a msg. We’ve got you friend and don’t forget to smile today. 😊
You dont know what she thought of you so please be kind to yourself and dont assume the worst. Maybe she was very busy with school and didnt have the time to make new friendships. That definitely happens a lot for high school and college students. Even if it is the case that she was avoiding you just know it wouldnt have been you but the respresentation of you in that moment. Some of us struggle with mental health but others dont or they already are supporting someone and its a lot of emotional labor. Some people simply dont have the bandwidth to deal with mental health issues or they dont know what to do. Maybe she felt like you needed help that she couldnt offer. It would be a good idea to see a therapist if you can because they are professionals and experienced with helping people. Your parents really failed you by not being more active and helping you maintain friendships. Its nothing you cant learn about now though and you can still have good friendships. I recommend watching the healthy gamer on youtube he has a lot of good videos on lonliness and relationship building. Also please dont be so hard on yourself you are worth having good friends and they would be lucky to have you as a friend.
So sorry to hear this. I’ll only make one recommendation in the hope it’s the kickstart you need.
Get running. Go to the gym. Your mood will change and you’ll focus on other stuff. You may not make friends there but your mental state will guarantee improve and you’ll give yourself some slack.
You’re a young guy, things can change in an instant believe me. You’ll be fine, just don’t think you need to prove anything
Hi , I’m an introvert.
Once I started loving on myself . Everyone wanted to be near . On days I’m happier , people tend to strike up conversations.
My nerves can be seen as …………. To others . A smile , very hard to confuse .
I hope you saw yourself in my words . Please don’t forget, bring social is a muscle . The more you work it , the stronger it will be
Dude my first year is uni was just me reading and applying social skills guides.
How to win friends and influence people.
Captivate
The like switch
What ever body is saying
Hey…. you are important. I just want you to know that you matter and there is someone, even a lot of someones that are willing to care about you. It gets better, I promise you that! Pull through! I suggest you join some clubs at the university, something that interests you, maybe sports? You’ll meet likeminded people. IT WILL BE OK.
Brutal. The vicious cycle of loneliness strikes again and the madness of loneliness cripples your ability to get out of this insanity.
I suppose you have to be strategic about and follow through with the plan. The way I did it before was cast a wide net , constantly investing much of my time socialising and communicating. I accepted the many losses of relationships that will inevitably happen in the beginning then overtime as I improved, you would be able to close the net and keep those that you want as long as possible.
Something a bit more meaningful. You said you played games, why not play games where you communicate with others a lot then from there make friends. It’s quite easy but requires you to communicate. Games should be the easiest route as they are forced to be with you. In places where people are forced together, it seems the easiest to make friends. Like work, games or school. It’s no wonder the vast majority of people make friends through school or work.
Sorry to break it to ya but that’s life. Absolutely no one is going to care if you feel alone or not, you might as well try to focus on yourself and make better changes to your mindset and lifestyle. It’s a tough pill to swallow when you realize it but that’s the flow of the ocean. Friends should be the last thing that should be on your mind when focusing on improving your well being. In most cases, they are toxic, bring you down, and wish the worse for you, so be careful for what you wish for. Have gratitude for having more time for yourself and improving everything about you instead of wasting it on other people who don’t give a damn about you. Keep it going brotha!
Look I know how social isolation feels, I know it and it’s HORRIBLE, but I don’t want to get into that too much and I want to give you some practical advice:
– get a job, look around in your town and see some places like McDonald’s and Starbucks, look for ones who you might notice that have young and fun people and apply for there, apply apply apply until you get a job there.
– when you’re socially isolated you might not know how to just naturally be a social butterfly or interact naturally, something I noticed when I was socially isolated is that I never talked before thinking a lot, you need to just talk naturally, make random comments I don’t know how to explain it but people who aren’t socially isolated just speak naturally they don’t think too much, this is a HUGE one, so when you get that job please don’t force the socializing I am speaking of experience people always notice it and it comes across as unnatural you need to talk because it comes naturally to you,
– what I did to practice my social skills is make lives in Instagram where I would hide the camera and I would just make random funny lives with people I swear this is a game changer, you’re gonna get used to talking effortlessly, you can do this from your own Instagram account or create a new one anonymous, squire followers and start joining other lives and just talk,
-watch interviews that are podcast-like, podcasts, lots of them and see how people interact, this is very important, when you watch podcasts (the ones that have videos where you can see people speaking) you learn so much about coming up with conversations and interacting and all that
-talk with yourself as if you’re talking with somebody, the reason I didn’t get social anxiety when I was socially isolated is because I would talk to myself a lot as if I was talking to people, the way I expressed myself got so much better and I realized how fun I can be lmao basically the thoughts you might think in your head say them out loud and start conversations like that
– if I remember more tips I’ll let Edit this comment and add more
Hey, I am currently 24 and I know that you might read this and be doubtful but believe me I have been where you are. I come from special education due to a bad upbringing and when I went to the first year of University everything seemed overwhelming however there are some things which really helped me and I hope they will do the same for you.
First thing, first. You are currently in the perfect spot due to the opportunities around you. University is full of clubs and while they might seem intimidating to join (which never gets easier) they are ideal places to grow. First of all, what do you want to grow in internally and be a bit specific. For me it was being assertive, so I joined a debate club. Maybe you want to grow in social skills, student networks or a religious student group are your friend.
Secondly, University is also great later due to that it gives you many jobs and opportunities which you can aside from your study. It helps with confidence and is a great resume booster which one can never miss.
Finally, try meditation and mindfulness. Not even often but sometimes being in the moment can help. Hopefully this gives you something to use
So, first of all, I’m sorry about your situation. It makes me sick to my stomach, because even if I don’t know you, I know that you’re a good man. The way you write reveals a lot of things. I see you. You’re struggling a lot.
I resonate a lot with this post. I’m 20 now, M, and my life is better now, but this post feels like it was written by 19 yo me. Really similar things and struggles
All I want to you know is that you’re okay. You’re all right. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with you and life has simply been a piece of shit with you. There’s nothing you did wrong in your past, and even if you did, you didn’t know any better, you were a kid. But still, you didn’t anyway.
When you say you want to end it, it breaks my heart. You’re 19, kid. I know you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, but as others have said, life is extremely unpredictable, you know? For example, some time ago I was suffering from extreme loneliness: I was at a point where it felt like nobody was there for me and nobody could understand what I was going through. And so I decided to change. I decided to go out there and experience life, right? Like others my age do. Parties and all that stuff. Well, turns out that’s not how it works. We can’t change our social circle snapping our fingers. And months and months went by, until a met a friend that I knew from high school. Our paths went different ways when we changed universities. But now we were doing the same course, so we started talking again. And I wasn’t THAT close to her to begin with, but with time we built a really special friendship. And then she invited me out with her friends. And now I have lots more things going on in my life, even if they are completely out of my confort zone.
So what I’m trying to say is: just keep on walking. I know it’s hard, and in the meantime, if you need to talk, you can write us (or I strongly suggest a therapist). But don’t be too hard on yourself because you can’t change your life from one day to another. Wait for life to turn itself around, because it gives you chances when you least expect it. But you have to do only ONE thing: getting out of your comfort zone and taking the chance. That’s fundamental. When life finally gives you something to work on, you work on it. And I know you will, because you want it and you need it.
I hope things work out for you. Remember you’re only 19, okay? When your head is in a shit place, if you have nothing you can do, then pursue your passion, even if it doesn’t lead to anything. Write down your thoughts in a journal. Take a walk, walks are important.
And most importantly, be proud of who you are. You’ve fought a lot in your life, you know? Rest a little.
Love you man, all the best
Hey there, I just want you to know that I read this entire thing and I feel for you, and I’m sorry that you’re hurting so much right now. I was pretty much in the same spot you were in not that long ago (things coming to head in quarantine, and then starting college and not being able to do any of my schoolwork or even get out of bed because of how heavy and crushing the loneliness was). And I really get the whole running your entire life through your head thing, trying to identify all the possible missteps you might have taken, just so that MIGHT have an explanation for why you were always alone. It’s a very self-defeating cycle getting caught up in those thoughts. It’s constant and exhausting and makes you feel more shit about yourself even though the intention is to intellectualize your problem enough so that you can figure out a way to fix it, but it doesn’t work.
You seem really genuine and self-aware, so I doubt that you were secretly an asshole to people. You actively reached out to people, put in some work in therapy and the gym, and seem really careful about making sure you don’t make people uncomfortable. You care about not letting your family down, you’re apologetic about rambling in your post. Actual assholes wouldn’t bother with those things. You get what I mean? I can tell that you care a lot.
If you want an objective perspective, I think a big part of your unhappiness is that you care too much, to the point of detriment. Let me preface this by saying that it is a great strength to care. Too many people are apathetic; no one ever connected with anyone by not caring. But it’s a balance with these sort of things. It’s bad to not care at all, it’s bad to care too much.
At the end of the day, the reason why people ghost you or do not wish to pursue a deeper friendship with you has very little to do with you. And it won’t bring you peace of mind trying to figure them out. Let me give you some examples:
There is the possibility that people are scared off when you ask to hang out, but that shit has nothing to do with you. That’s them dealing with their own insecurities and commitment issues. Maybe they tried to connect with people before, but they were met with a lot of apathy, just like you are now. So they got jaded and stopped trying as well because they didn’t want to get burned again. And then when someone comes along and tries to connect with them, they’ve gotten so comfortable in being alone, that to them, you’re the weird one now for trying to hang out with them. Deep down though, they don’t think they’re deserving of deeper connection. They become the people that have hurt them before. I don’t think most people who do this do it intentionally. It just happens because humans are idiots and we repeat the issues that we do not work to resolve.
There is also the possibility that they aren’t burned, but just don’t feel a connection with you. Like maybe they don’t think you guys vibe. But that’s okay. That’s not your fault. That’s just personal preference and shouldn’t be taken too personally. Not one person can be likeable to *everyone.* You may fall into the trap of thinking that you need go change yourself so that people like you better, find you more interesting, find you more funny, etc. It’s good to make an effort to be a better version of you, but sometimes, no matter what you do, the answer is still no. You can’t force a connection. And that sucks, but why would you make yourself lesser and settle for someone who doesn’t accept you as you are?
There is also the possibility that people are just busy. That’s something entirely out of your control. Why stress about it when it may have nothing to do with you?
There’s also the possibility that people just… do not think about these things at all. People like to focus on the things going on in their life. Most people don’t notice other people. They’re not gonna care about you unless you give them a really good reason to. Humans are selfish like that.
Basically, I’m saying that you can go in circles all day trying to figure out what you did wrong. It feels like if you know what you’re doing wrong, you can simply correct yourself and people will suddenly like you. But life doesn’t work like that. A big life lesson that I’ve read somewhere is this: You have to allow people to walk in and out of your life.
Whether you’re an asshole or not, people come into your life, they go out of it. And most times, it’s beyond your control. You have to learn to be okay with that. And you can’t be okay with that if you don’t genuinely like yourself without needing validation from other people to make you feel happy or that life is worth living. I know that that’s the thing that everybody says, but let’s say you do find that one good friend. Any circumstance that yanks them out of your life would lead to you falling apart again. The root of your problem isn’t that you have nobody, although that’s a part if it. Your issue is that you went all your life without a support system, and you’ve let that define your worth. You’ve let that define the reason you live. Would you like yourself first if nobody else did? Would you help yourself without needing recognition from somebody else that you’re hurting?
I’m not trying to blame you. Some people just get a shit hand in life, and it seems to me that you’ve just had the misfortune of meeting a lot of indifferent people all your life, rather than being this huge raging asshole that drove people away. It’s really painful to not have people in your corner, and it’s immensely difficult to love yourself when you’ve never had people show that to you. I feel for you deeply. There’s nothing quite like the pain of waking up and feeling like no one cared if you did or not.
Hold on. Take courage. I promise you that there are people out that who will accept you exactly as you are right now, people who are holding out to meet someone like you, just as you are holding out for someone like them. I also encourage you to find a therapist who you can talk to one-on-one, and keep at it. It helps to have at least one safe space to let out how you’re feeling so that things don’t boil over. A good therapist can help you on your journey of redefining your worth, set under your terms and by nobody else.
I don’t know what your relationship with your family is like, but if they genuinely care about you, maybe let them know you need help. If your family doesn’t feel like that safe space for you, go to your school’s wellness center. They will have the people and resources.
I encourage you to join clubs, participate in school events. Try and meet people as much as you can. Just show up. Remember that friendships take time to build. It’s not a race. Show interest in other people, try and refrain from venting to them until you guys have an already established friendship. If you vibe with someone, reach out to them. Give them three chances. If they fail to show interest, don’t take it personally, take it in stride and move on. Give them the benefit of the doubt, but don’t stress over one person who isn’t interested. You’re now just one person closer to meeting someone you would really connect with.
I know that you’re probably tired and maybe all of this feels pointless. Maybe you’re reading everything I wrote and think that you’re too far gone to try. You are not. You are so deserving of happiness. You are deserving of a family that loves you, you are deserving of friends who accept you as you are. You are deserving on your good days, and you are deserving on your bad days.
Please don’t give up.
Hey! First of all, you sound like a lovely person. My inbox is open if you ever want to talk. See what kind of clubs your university has and show up to some meetings. I think the best way to find friends is meeting people with similar interests, and I know my university has video game clubs and discord servers for those clubs. Don’t lose hope, and also maybe you could consider looking into therapy as well. It helped me a lot, and with the right therapist, I’m sure you could learn a lot and improve your mental state
hi, i don’t think i will say something that others haven’t said, but as everyone said don’t lose hope, and i am very sure you’ll find your people. trust me, i’ve been in your mental state before. i would even get a bit annoyed at people saying i will find my own people because i didn’t seem to see it, but in reality, the people you have dealt with are a very limited circle. they’re mostly from your family and school. when you meet more people you definitely will find more people
as to your own part in the equation, well, im going to speak about myself (I’m 18 enby, graduating highschool soon): i also didn’t think there was anything from my side that might be a reason for it, but i very recently realized that i was not as outgoing as i thought. i realized so recently that most if not all people i met did not actually dislike me as i thought, but it was me disliking myself and therefore that point of view was projected on other people by me; i was the one who thought they disliked me because i didn’t like myself enough. and i realized i was much more closed on myself than i thought. i usually looked away when people looked at me, as an unconscious reaction. and i would hang out and walk alone sometimes because i thought i “can’t (not allowed to)” talk with people when i definitely can. people got the impression that i just don’t wanna be bothered and wanna be left alone. friendships and relationships build over time, as long as both parties commit. the girl you talked about was an asshole imo; she told you you can vent then acted weird when you did, and she was so misleading with her indirect refusals. but she is only one case, she is only herself. every case (person) you meet will be different and a unique case
and lastly i wanna say you really sound like a genuine person and i would love to be your friend 🙂 you can dm me and i will reply as soon as possible! /srs
i also have a passion about music so we can discuss that! /gen
Hey dude, sorry to hear about having a rough time. I can’t relate to everything but I do recall feeling pretty hopeless around that age too. Guess what, I dropped out of high school so you’ve already accomplished something I think is pretty noteworthy.
People not wanting to be your friend is not necessarily a “you” thing, most people that age want to have fun and not being around “downers”. Or maybe they get awkward or feel like they don’t know how to give a good response. In any case, try to not take it too personal. Keep putting yourself out there even if it hurts and don’t let your heart grow cold.
Lately, I’ve been reading Anne Frank’s diary and it shows how she felt so alone and misunderstood by her family during some really hard times. She didn’t like herself some days and she felt like no one liked her. It helped me in gaining some perspective and gratitude for my current life. I don’t know if that book right for you, but get perspective. Try to look at your life from a different view. Whether it’s a book, movie, music, or something else.
Don’t give up man and if you feel like giving up, shoot me a dm.
1. Work on yourself. Go to the gym. Read interesting books. Go visit local parks/trails/bars/restaurants/etc that give you conversation material. People can tell if you like yourself or not. Positive energy is contagious and it draws people in. The opposite is true of negative energy. Healthy, Smart, and cultured is attractive to everyone.
2. Listen 2-3x more than you talk. People feel like they know and trust you more after they talk about themself. It’s counterintuitive but very true.
3. Ask for help. People like feeling needed. When you ask for help you are making them feel valuable.
4. Physical touch matters. Shake hands. High five. Grab a bicep or pat a shoulder. Don’t be creepy, respect people’s personal space, just be a human.
I am 24 and the best advice I can give you is you can be friends with the best people in the world using books and podcast, the greatest people on the planet, they talk to you through books. You could watch talks on youtube. Get yourself busy in doing work. Otherwise without meaning, life is hard even if you have friends. Btw, most friends aren’t as resourceful these days as they used to be! So work on yourself!
https://youtu.be/7bB_fVDlvhc
Acquire skills in life so that people want to be your friends. Skills like seduction, work skills, people’s skills.
Having no/lower friends is better than having bad friends. You will learn after making and losing a lot of friends, they are not as valuable as u think. Sometimes.
But make friends because you want to be friends, not a needy person. And Always remember you are the most valuable asset you have! And your social worth is determined by your social network!
Your value is not attached to your current circumstances, you have to create value in life to be seen as valuable so that more people want to associate with you but the reality is young people like you and me are naked in this regard.
Understand your position and try to better it. Obviously friends increase your chances of having a better life but it starts with zero friends to one to two to a hundred. Friends increase your surface area. Try to relate to people . I am sure there are many people out there who want to be heard like you. Find out those people and hear their stories. They will think of you as their caring friends too!
Moreover, people spend their lives trying to get a US visa to get a better life. From a positioning point of view, you are already in the best place possible. Don’t hesitate and go out talk to people. And don’t force, try ti relate and stand in their shoes first.
Hey man, I don’t usually comment on here, but I would like to let you know that I’m feeling the same as you right now. I’m 23, I’ve always been introverted, but I used to easily make friends because I was friendly, and people used to approach me because I could draw well, and I was in Vietnam (most people were more friendly when they were kids). It was so easy back then, especially when I was in my country, and before college. Now I have a boyfriend, a couple of his friends and friends online, they’re all nice people, but I want friends outside of that circle, friends of my own and who I can actually hangout offline. Furthermore, although I enjoy playing games and chatting online, his friends and I don’t have a lot of common interests that I can share with; and they are male, I do sometimes share my girly interests, but of course we can’t really connect and the topics just came and went quickly… I do appreciate my online friends, but I know what the feeling of actual close friends who you can talk to hours without end like, because I experienced it before (we drifted apart, still friends, but we barely communicate due to distance, and… adulthood, I guess). Because I’ve experienced it before, it sometimes makes me feel more sad.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, but he’s just a part of my life, not my entire life, so there are certain void he can’t filled, and I don’t expect him or want him to. I’m also fine with being alone most of the time. With that said, I still like having friends. Female friends who I can go shopping, getting boba teas, chatting about guys, and putting on makeups together. Friends who we would meet after class to study, talk about our days, or sometimes hang out.
Even though I’m still in college, I’ve volunteered, I’ve initiated, and become less shy, I still get the feeling some people think I’m not approachable… or I just don’t know why or understand how I can’t make any friends. I asked and talked to my boyfriend and friends online, ruminating on my mistakes, they usually said it’s not my fault and friends take time, which I’m aware and agree to some extend (I do think there are certain things I also need to improve on).
I understand, it’s so hard, and I’m trying to be hopeful. Anyway, I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, maybe I just want to let you know that you’re not alone, and I want to sympathize with you.
I hope you and I will find success. I hope you will find good friends, and I hope you will be happy! Good luck, comrade 🙂
Our situations are different, because what was keeping me from making friends *was* anxiety, but I can relate to being 19 in college and having no friends. I was also far away from my family, and the pandemic was happening, which all led to me feeling extremely isolated.
I’m not saying I understand your situation, because of course only you know what you’re going through. But I will say that back then, I didn’t believe it would ever get better, and I didn’t believe I would ever have friends. I was certain that I was somehow broken and incapable of connecting with people. I was wrong. I’m just kinda weird, and now I have kinda weird friends, and most days I’m really happy. Some days are so good that I almost think all the shitty emotions I’ve experienced over the years were worth it so I wouldn’t take for granted how great the good days are. But it took a couple years.
Anyway, I guess all I’m getting at is that it isn’t hopeless, and you’re not the only one.
Also you’re not the only one who imagines conversations like that. I think I used to do it more often because I was so isolated, but nowadays it’s more of a background way of processing things? I can’t tell you if it’s healthy or not, but I do it too, and I think I’m doing okay overall.
First, drop the idea of ‘making friends is harder after school/uni ends.’ It’s still possible to meet new people and make new friends as you get older. In my own experience, it’s been a lot easier to make friends in the workplace than it ever was at school. And just because a friendship ends, that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a real friendship to begin with. You are capable of making friends, even your cousins that you hung out with, if you weren’t likable, they wouldn’t have been cool hanging out with you.
That being said, you can’t expect other people to like you unless you start liking yourself. Group therapy works for some people, but you may need a one-on-one approach. From what you’ve described, you have social anxiety, you can’t fix that/develop coping strategies in a couple of group sessions.
You’re looking for someone to have a deep, meaningful connection with, but we shouldn’t dump all of our emotional trauma and baggage onto our friends, it’s an easy way to scare them away. Keep things more light-hearted and fun, save the heavy stuff for therapy sessions.
I think you have some good advice here.
Hang in there.
Life has ups and downs. I know this seems simple but that is my intention.
This will pass.
Get out there, follow the good advice you get here, and you WILL succeed!
Read some books on how to talk to people, Dale Carnegie’s “How to win Friends and influence people” for sure.
It will get better. You have to be influence to make that happen though. You set your trajectory.
Your social life prior to this point does not determine your future social life.
It sounds you have some mental health issues. I strongly suggest you seek out free mental health resources at your school. There are plenty of free online resources that can teach you social skills. To get better at socializing you have to practice so attend social activities and groups at your school.
Yeah.
Don’t have any paragraphs, just that I feel the same. Although my issue is probably coz I’m an asshole really.
I really hope you can get support and feel better.
Any interests that you’ve tried to touch base with other people on? Might help if you find folks like you.
Try to join some clubs of people with similar interests, either at school or other events around your city. Go to gaming cons and stuff. Sometimes bars will have events like trivia and other “nerd” stuff.
That girl may have thought you had a crush on her or something and was trying to distance herself from you, or maybe she really did have a controlling boyfriend, or balked at the idea of essentially being someone’s only support system/friend. That may not have been either of your “faults”—human relationships are just endlessly complicated.
Keep a good heart, an open mind, don’t blame people for their own troubles and feelings, don’t become someone’s pet or therapist and don’t make someone your own, be true to yourself but be brave as well. I can’t lie—most of my friends I made at old or current workplaces, but I try to get the socials of everyone who engages me in conversation or whatever too. Personally I’ve made acquaintances/friends at anime events at uni or bars, conventions, concerts and clubs, local battle-of-the-bands and such, markets and local arcades.
beachy#1209 I’m giving you my discord luv please do not leave this world so soon! While you may not think so , i know you’re a beautiful person and I could not bear it if you were to leave our planet