One of the things I have always struggled with is reconciling what caused some of my wife’s past relationships to progress so fast that she was having sex with these people almost immediately after meeting them. I had no past to compare this against. When I met her as an 18 (M), I was a virgin and never had a gf before, so all of this is completely foreign to me. Our relationship progressed at a snail’s pace, for a very long time she said she didn’t see me like that and would never date me. But eventually over time, and after being friends for a long time, it slowly blossomed into this incredible long-term relationship.
I’m very happy for that but can’t help but wonder what was different about some these other men that she was having intimate experiences with them having just met them. She doesn’t drink or do drugs, so it wasn’t because of hazy decisions. Was there just some raw primal attraction she had with these guys that she didn’t have with me? She has always been very conservative and reserved around sex, so I have a tough time picturing her even doing something like that. Did she aggressively pursue getting to the point of intimacy with these guys, (with how slow our relationship progressed I can’t even picture that)? Did they push her into something she didn’t want to do but did reluctantly? Was she hoping a relationship and emotional connection with these men would follow if she gave them what they wanted? Was she just horny and wanting to get some? It’s hard to wrap my head around.
I wouldn’t change anything about the way we fell in love so don’t take this as me wishing things progressed differently. I’ve just always wondered what it was about these men that made her move to the stage of intimacy with them almost immediately. It does seem that her fastest progressing relationships were all short lived, so is it just pure lust?
TL;DR Is there anything consistently different about the partners you have become intimate with very quickly vs the partners you’ve purposely progressed the relationship very slow with? Does it have any bearing on the quality or length of the relationship overall?
4 comments
Did you ask her? If not, ask her why. But honestly not sure if any answer would satisfy you. The important thing is that she’s attracted to you now. People can and do change easily over a few years.
There was a time in my life where I also spent alot of time with these same time type questions, almost to the point of obsession. You will never get a straight answer out of a woman as to why this is, so no point in asking, in my opinion. I do know that women will typically make guys they see as “boyfriend material” jump through different hoops than a guy they see as hot or a bad boy. I think alot of the reasoning is they determine quite quickly who they can get away with making wait and who they can’t. Certain guys would just bounce nearly immediately if they didn’t get what they wanted, and they realize this and are faced with a decision. Other times it is just a raw heat of the moment lust deal where no manipulation or bullshit is involved and just can’t keep hands off each other. Other times it depends where a woman is in her cycle when she met these guys. There will be a much different response during ovulation vs Other times of the cycle to the same guy or circumstances. If any of that makes sense
Why are you obsessing over her past? She chose you. Unless they’re trying to get in contact still, it’s not relevant.
Sex in dating is complex. It depends on what life stage you’re in, what your attitude about sex is at that time, who your partner is, what you’re looking for in the relationship, etc. etc. There is no one answer.
We’ve all had that moment of curiosity regarding a partner’s past, who they’ve dated, and how serious or not it may have been. Not only is it interesting to think about your partner’s life before they met you, but questions can also come about due to insecurity, as you wonder whether or not they love you less than their ex. That said, lingering over a lover’s romantic history and exhuming details to deliberate over is an extremely dysfunctional pursuit, guaranteed to make nobody happy. If you want to stay with your wife, her past, or how she treated her exes shouldn’t matter…
Now let’s address your question. There are several reasons a woman can jump in bed with a man within days of meeting him, but refuses to sleep with another, until later in the relationship. One of the reasons is the personalities of the men.
There are 2 types of men most women gravitate towards: The Lovers, and the Providers. Women respond to these men differently, because of the roles they play in their lives.
The Lovers are men who possess all the physical attributes a woman would want in her ideal partner. Lovers are attractive; they make women feel submissive and sexual. Women respond to Lover personalities by having sex with them immediately.
The Providers, on the other hand, bring out a woman’s nurturing side. These are the men they chose when they are looking for father figures for their kids. The provider may not be as good looking as the lover. He might not even be great in bed… but he can provide for her and her young ones. Most women will withhold intimacy to the Provider in order to make the man prove that he will stay loyal for the long run.