I (25F) recently started dating this guy (27M). He’s a very sweet and caring man. He goes out of his way to help others (including strangers), and also treats me very well. He’s what some people may call a cute nerdy nice guy. He works in tech, is very educated, and does regular charity work. He has a heart of gold and manages himself well.
Whereas for me, not as much. I’m more skeptical of people, I love dark humour, and taking risks. I like to laugh at random things with others and joke/debate about it. I watch shows like family guy, and play video games like League of Legends. I enjoy keeping things lighthearted. Regardless, respect is still my number one priority. As lighthearted as I am, I would never disrespect a person or be toxic.
Recently I saw a group online called “Christian moms against tiktok” and “Christian moms against Minecraft”. I found it funny that such a thing exists and I was poking fun about it to my boyfriend. I’m not laughing at the people who are in that group, but rather it’s concept. It felt like such a specific and serious group that it almost sounded comedic. Why “Christian moms” and not just “moms”? I jokingly said “I want to join that group out of curiosity and laugh at some of their posts” to which he responded “you do you, that’s not my cup of tea”. I just felt instantly shut down.
I used to be a kind hearted person like him. But after years of being taken advantage of and going through sexual harassment and racism while doing volunteer work, I’ve gotten more cautious and cold. Perhaps it’s compassion fatigue, I don’t know. Some people mistook my kindness as flirting and even started to stalk me.
One time my boyfriend walked an older gentleman home on a rainy day while holding his umbrella. This was a stranger he saw on the streets. I personally would not do that because I feel like it could potentially put me at risk. Because I have a kind looking face, I’ve been an easy target for people on the streets in the past. Now I’m just cautious on who I help and how I help them.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m a bad person. I’m studying towards a job in healthcare, and I love volunteering too. Helping people makes my heart warm. But just cautious.
We once had a discussion about drugs, alcohol, house parties, and pornography. He said he doesn’t do any of that (besides the occasional drink with friends) because he’s not interested in such things. Whereas for me, I’ve gone to a few house parties in university, tried weed edibles twice (legal in Canada), tried vaping once, enjoy drinking and somewhat getting tipsy (but not blackout drunk or hungover) and sometimes watch porn. I’m not a wild tiger or anything, but I’m not innocent either.
I feel like there’s a mismatch between him and I, and it makes me feel bad about myself. I love that he’s super wholesome and kind hearted, but I feel insecure and corrupted around him. Sometimes I want to be a bit wild and get drunk together, him not so much. Or laugh about stupid things and gossip about our day. I’d also like to stay up late together to binge on shows or just even chat. But he has a bedtime and nightly routine that he sticks to. I want him to be like my best friend where we can enjoy random things together. I feel like I can’t entirely be myself around him and I need to filter myself to match his “wholesomeness” and self management.
Lately he doesn’t feel like my boyfriend, but a date buddy. Just someone I meet once a week on Saturday to hold hands and eat out with. I’ve also been the one to initiate phone calls or even cuddles. One time I slept over at his place and I was hoping we would cuddle in bed but he just laid there in bed on his back, arms to his sides while I was just on the side trying to cuddle him. It felt like an unreciprocated awkward side hug. I’m overall more expressive than he is so I kind of get it.
I told him about the cuddle thing, and he said “aw you must’ve been bored”. It’s not boredom, i felt unnoticed. Being cuddled and giving a cuddle is different.
At the same time, I don’t want to push him to do anything with me if it makes him uncomfortable. And he’s already verbalized his disinterest in some things. So now I feel stuck and kind of unfulfilled romantically.
I don’t need him to be a bad boy, I would just like to enjoy some things together without feeling the need to be strict on ourselves. Not sure what to do.
TLDR my boyfriend is wholesome and manages himself well. I am not as much, so I feel the need to filter myself. As a result I feel unfulfilled romantically and I don’t know what to do.
10 comments
He sounds like a robot. Maybe date someone else and keep this guy as a platonic friend
I think you are judging yourself too harshly. It’s great that your boyfriend is kind and generous to stranger, but adaptably and supporting one’s partner are virtues too. The issue isn’t that you are in to different things, or have different approaches to life, but that you feel like you have to censor yourself around him because he isn’t supportive of the way you live your life.
And that is a core incompatibility, unless he is willing to change. You should have a serious conversation with him about how you are feeling, and see if it changes anything.
Your boyfriend is clearly a kind person who’s interested in living a very kind, chill, and modest life. He does well and he’s clearly just coasting with what he’s doing.
You claim to not be a wild tiger, but as a man who’s cut from similar cloth to your bf, you’re someone I’d actively avoid as a partner long term because that’s not compatible with my personal lifestyle. It doesn’t seem to be for his either. Just based off what you’ve shared, he’s fine with you behaving your own ways, but at the same time he’s also clearly letting you know he’s not about that life.
You two should discuss what you want from a long term partner. This seems like a short term fling and incompatible for long term.
>I don’t need him to be a bad boy
hm.. I think you kinda do. (and I don’t mean to make fun, honestly.)
This isn’t the right guy for you, and the simplest way to describe why is: because he doesn’t struggle with internal contradictions. You do.
You said yourself, you like dark humor, but you want things to be light-hearted.
It makes you feel warm to help people, but you don’t trust them either.
At some point, you have to square the circle a bit more. He can’t help you do that. He sees the human world as a generally beautiful place. You see through its facade, and enjoy pointing out its contradictions. That’s what dark humor really is, and what it stems from. It’s all you can do to stay sane when you’ve seen what you’ve seen on your journey so far.
You need more of a partner in petty crime, not Harry Helperton.
Good luck.
You two are incompatible. You guys sound like you would be better off as friends.
In any relationship that you find yourself, it is important to be yourself. It doesn’t matter how the other person lives their life, it matters that you were honest about the way you live your life.
This says incompatibility but let’s go through the list first.
Have you had a had an honest, open conversation about everything and how you feel with him to bring up these differences and see if there is compromise to be reached?
You don’t want to sit on it because eventually you will feel alone in the relationship and it will cause resentment.
If it’s early on, it might be better to cut your losses and find someone closer to your lifestyle and value systems.
Good luck! Life and relationships are weird.
Was on his side until the cuddling. May I ask how he is emotionally? It sounds like he’s an intelligent guy but may be lacking emotional intelligence
Those are meme groups. The rest of this post is all over the place. Does he have an issue with you not helping men in public, or does he understand your fear? Do you say critical things of him helping people, or maybe keep bringing up why you wouldn’t unsolicited? Then you list a bunch of incompatibilities and say he won’t cuddle with you. How long have you been together? It doesn’t sound like it has long-term potential and it has nothing to do with anyone being a bad person.
Idk OP tour bf sounds very bland to me. My husband is similar but to a certain extent. Like he loves helping people as well and is very good and kind hearted but I can assure you be would find a group like “Christian moms against Minecraft” very funny. The thing is, it’s really important that 2 people’s sense of humor matches if you’re hoping to cultivate a long term relationship. It’s underrated but a very important factor. Yours just doesn’t seem to match.