I have noticed this on most dating apps. People present their life as perfect in dating bios. Even during texting, they would present their life as perfect.
Personally, I don’t like to pretend I have a perfect life and am usually more honest. Is it seen negatively by prospective matches?
Update: I don’t mean whining about all your life problems. I mean just talking about small stuff in everyday life
26 comments
Yes it is
If you dump all your stress and problems on someone, yes. If you just tell them that you have something that might affect your dating, or may seem off to someone, then no.
I let people know I have social anxiety/autism, just so they’re aware if I’m a bit shy on dates, they know why, but I think there’s a difference between that and dumping everything on someone. Like if I told them my life story about autism and anxiety. That’s too much.
But people who dump all their depressing shit on you early on is a turn off, yeah.
My knee jerk reaction is..yes its unattractive. But had to think about it…and realize it doesnt really matter what I personally think, cause someone else might find it very attractive.
Like, Ive definitely been on dates with guys who right away unloaded their problems on me…from how difficult it is dealing with their ex, lawyers, child custody issues, to problems at work and how much they hate their job and financial issues, and that one memorable guy who needed me to know about the uncomfortable rash on his thighs.
Personally, I dont believe anyone is perfect, Im not, dont expect anyone else to be, but I go on dates to learn if that person and I are compatible, what is our lifestyle like, belief / value systems, future life goals, and also just learning about the stuff that person finds meaningful to them like any passions, hobbies, personal goals etc.
And..to some people, their passion is to talk about their life problems. To someone else who is looking for someone they can do that with, they would enjoy that. Id actually prefer it if someone didnt hide that thats what they are looking for in a partner, cause Id know sooner, rather than later that we arent compatible. Not because they have problems…everyone does, but that thats what they want to base the relationship on.
Incredibly attractive however are those who admit they have a therapist to help them sort out their problems with to figure how how to navigate the issues and whatever feelings they have around it. Self improvement and taking actionable measures to work towards problem solving is something I do admire in others, Im totally here for that.
Yes.
Yea i’d say so, unless the issue is apparent and relatable. Example, me and my ex just started dating the last 2 months my dad was alive with cancer, so while it was the early stages, we did talk about it a lot.
It’s fine as long as you’re not being needy you’re just authentically sharing. Like it’s one thing to say “yeah I’ve been going through xyz and it’s really tough but I KNOW I can handle it😤.” As opposed to “omg xyz is totally ruining my life, can I have some validation from you to make me feel better about myself and my life🥺.” Not in your profile tho lol
It really depends.
The way you talk about it will say a lot about whether it is received positively or negatively.
Someone who is going through some tough problems but has a rational take on them, shows they can process and understand their emotions in a healthy way, is taking steps to improve the situation, and has an overall positive outlook without trauma dumping the situation on their date? Nice, green flag
The same person who is ruminating on the problem, not taking any accountability, seeing it as a barrier that they’ll never be able to overcome, and whiny and complaining the whole time? Red flag for sure.
Talking about problems is a great way to show how you process tough situations IMO. Which can be very good or very bad.
Yes. Avoid all negativity of any kind during the early stages. Nobody likes a whiner.
Yeah I’d say being vulnerable is attractive at certain points and stages. Obviously at some points we want to move forward at getting to know the person pass that superficial information.
Depends on how you do it.
If you can present your own insecurities and vulnerabilities with confidence – people find that attractive.
If it comes across like you are complaining about life and having a whine – people do not find that attractive.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot as I went on a first date with a guy Monday night, and then on Tuesday (yesterday) my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. We didn’t text at all yesterday, but today I reached out to see how his week is going and he asked what’s going on in my world and I was like ….. “it’s been busy, honestly a bit stressful but the rest of the week should be smoother sailing.” because I had no idea what to say.
I agree with other folks saying it’s unattractive to talk about big issues early on, but it can also be really hard to feel like you’re being honest with the other person if you’re just like “yeah my day’s going great” lol.
You haven’t gotten to know someone well enough to unload something like that onto them, no matter how seemingly small it is.
Depends on the person, most people are kinda hypocritical and love to pretend or judge others when they don’t pretend to not have issues… or just talk about such silly stuff in first dates that for me is unattractive.
SO for me, as long as it is done in a lighthearted manner and not abundantly, find it a good source of info on temperament/how you handle issues or what you consider an issue, which is a great part of people and very important to me in early stages of dating.
I personally hate learning about stuff late in the game when I’m in love and NOW you tell me you are estranged from your family and that you have issues at work that really stem from your personality and only really show through conflict or through talking about real stuff which people relegate to later.
So, for me: bring in the real you, I don’t care about favorite movies, meals or music.. we can talk about that once we establish a dialog about deeper stuff… For me, temperament beats so many other stuff in terms of attractiveness.
Not at all—except that you should check in early to ask if they are comfortable with it. I just left a first date. We’d had an amazing first phone conversation yesterday, and when I found myself talking about my ex, I said, I’m sorry, does this make you uncomfortable? He said, no it tells more about who you are. That’s a true gentleman. But it is a cautionary tale. I don’t generally recommend it.
Reveal yourself in stages
Dating is a type of selling yourself. Lead with features, not faults
My husband and I met on tinder. Before we ever met in person we spent *HOURS* spilling all of our trauma and dysfunction lol.
We seem to have survived the dating stage😂
People want someone who will compliment their lives, not someone who uses them as a sounding board.
Almost every problem can have a 10 second summary. Try it.
Be brief and honest. Start to move on. If they want to know more they will ask.
Hmm 32f here. I would say, most of the time, yes, it’s unattractive.
For example, when I’m talking to guy and he says stuff like, “ugh I hate my job so much, I want to go home early”, or “I’m so frustrated I don’t have as many friends as some people do, you seem so cool” it’s like… Really unattractive. I find this way too often though, people couple backhanded compliments with whining about their own insecurities or boredom and it’s all all around “yikes” and off putting.
BUT I find it to be really helpful and a great way to get to know someone to hear about their “daily struggles”. For example, if I hear “oh man, I missed my gym session this morning, I’m so frustrated with myself! But I’m just going to take a quick walk tonight and eat a salad for dinner”. That is informative because it shows how they problem solve and what they prioritize in life. They give them problem AND how they fix it.
For me recently I’ve been dealing with some serious crap that has hindered my dating life (death of a parent and being the executor of the estate, estranged drug addicted sibling, finishing a semester of grad school, getting a diagnosis for my difficult school age child who has severe behaviorial problems). Of course I bring this stuff up, because it’s a relevant and big part of my life that someone would have to know to date me! But I phrase it as the above paragraph, things like, “my day is pretty hectic, I need to finish this assignment, I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with my kids and friends once I finish this class!” Or “I got some bad news about my brother today, but there’s not much I can do–I have an appointment set with our estate attorney for next week, so I know I’ll figure out my next step soon!”
It’s not helpful to just pretend everything is “fine”. Pretending you have no struggles does not set you up for good communication in a relationship later on.
Be yourself, but also demonstrate that you are in charge of yourself and you have a plan to overcome any obstacles you meet. That is super attractive.
Yes
I want a partner, not a project
So how long should I hide my depression?
I personally don’t really mind, I am trying to get to know the person , after all.
That being said, I don’t usually unload about anything going on unless they ask. I just feel like sometimes it can be too personal too soon, and I know that there are people that would get less interested if the person is making them depressed, which is also understandable.
It is. I fucked up bunch of my dates in the past like this.
Yeah I would say is very unattractive, some people may get “scared” too and ghost, or see you in a “lesser” way
Early stage of dating? Oh yeah.
You gotta know that the other person is dealing with their own life problems too. No one *really* has their life “perfect” or well off. Having that added onto their stuff is pretty annoying and gives the impression that you are inclined to dump your baggage onto the person at any given moment.
If you really need to talk about problems with someone right this instant, get a therapist because your date isn’t one. Once you get closer and feel that the other person is willing to care and offering to listen, then go for it.
Of course it is, as it should be. Your new date is not your therapist.