So long story short I met up with a somewhat long-time friend a couple weeks ago. She texted me a few days ago saying she had so much fun and we should hang out again soon but literally all she did was talk about herself the whole time, the story was 3 hours long. It was one of those you can’t even get away to use the bathroom lol. She recognized this but didn’t mention that she didn’t get to catch up with me or end up asking how I am. This is not the first time this has happened and I’m not kidding when I say all I did was listen to her story and maybe say 3-4 sentences the whole time. I still haven’t responded..How do I bring that up..how should I say it?
ETA: The story was about a person she likes. Not really venting or looking for emotional support. Happy for her but this is the 2nd or 3rd time it has happened and the other times I didn’t indicate that I was upset/annoyed. :/
42 comments
I don’t know how to help but, how are you?
Thanks, me too. There’s no reason to be cruel but also not cause to say, “Let’s do it again,” since you obviously don’t want to hang out again.
just say it…
just say “yeah.. however when you did x i felt y, and i was upset that you didn’t catch up with me, so that made me upset/not enjoy as much during this meeting” etc something like that. point it out so that they notice it and notice that this upsets you. maybe they didn’t notice before
Well, what are you leaning towards… “Yes it was nice” and then avoiding ever hanging out with her again, or “I don’t know, it seems like every time we hang out you spend the entire time talking about yourself only and it’s kind of extreme”?
It’s perfectly fair to choose the former, her problems are not your problems and you’re not obligated to offer her any help which she may well not appreciate. But the latter isn’t hard to express.
Just give them a smile with melancholy.
You don’t technically have to respond at all
I don’t get how people can talk for that long. Isn’t that exhausting? I get exhausted after a couple of sentences
yeah that was nice! then never have time
Are they interested in you as a date or are you too justfriends and they happen to be in town that day and it just was a visit
Well ild say something like ok my turn ?
No response required.
It’s unlikely there is anything you can say that she will truly hear.
You don’t have to respond. You could just ghost her forever
If its been a few days already just let it die. If she texts again continue to ignore and then u can just block her
They never change. “Thanks for inviting me, it was nice getting out of the house to socialize for a change.” You’re not lying by saying you had fun, when you clearly didn’t, and you’re also not agreeing to do it again. I wouldn’t hang out with her again. She invites you out? “I’m busy.” “I have plans.” “No thanks.” “I’d rather not.”
ETA- or respond with, “I’m doing great, btw, thanks for asking! Oh wait, you never did ask how I was doing.”
After seeing your edit, I think it’s time you work on communicating your feelings and needs. It’s not rude and sometimes people don’t realize what they’re doing. Has your long time friend always been this way? You decide what you’re most comfortable with. Writing an email or letter, texting, having a phone conversation, or in person. “Hey (insert friend’s name), I need to talk about something that has been bothering me for a while. The last few times we hung out you spent 3+ hours dominating the conversation. You talked about yourself the entire time. Not once did you ask how I was doing or if there was anything new in my life. That makes me feel as though this friendship is one sided. I need our friendship to be more of a balance of give and take instead of give give give or take take take.”
“thanks, me too” and then don’t hang out again
If you like her overall as a person and would like to keep seeing her if she’d dial back the talking a bit, then maybe:
“It was nice to see you and I’m glad to have the update on your life! But girl, next time it’s my turn to talk for three hours, lol 🥰”
Or if she’s less jokey,
“But I have a lot I want to tell you too- maybe next time we could talk a bit more about me?”
If you don’t like her then just don’t respond and start distancing yourself from her.
You don’t need to respond, honestly
Since 99% of people who don’t happen to have fun during an interaction ghost the other person you could just distance yourself from this person if you don’t enjoy talking to them. alternatively you could be straight up with them and say I really don’t appreciate these long winded one sided conversations and maybe next time we can talk about other things.
“I am happy for you ☺️”
I would be up front, to me it kinda sad that it’s so easy for people to just say it was fun and then ignore them or avoid them. I feel like most of the time people like that don’t even realize how much they are talking especially if they are stressed.
Or if they haven’t talked to someone in a long time you may be the first person who actually listened to them. So they had diarrhea of the mouth.
In those situations it best to stop it while it’s happening and say hold on now, your pouring out a lot of info and I can’t keep up.
But just be mindful of what they may be going through. I’m sure they had no I’ll intent but I would say you sure do love to talk.
I’m also one to tell people if my eyes and ears are glazing over like donuts cause it happens lol.
But now I’m just talking. I’d say tell them the true whether you choose to continue this relationship or whether you choose to end it.
Most people here advise OP to say me too and then ghost her. I don’t recommend that. Imo you should just tell her what’s going on.
“I didn’t have such a great time tbh and I don’t feel like doing it again, but it was nice to see you again and know that you’re doing great!”
And that’s it. She’ll say ok or ask why is that. Then you can tell her she was talking for 3h and you couldn’t say a thing nor have a conversation with her. She probably will apologize and then maybe you could try again or tell her your decision is final and then you don’t talk to her anymore. The end émis the same but at least she now knows why and was not just ghosted
Of course she had a fun time… people LOVE talking about themselves and their passions and goals and history, etc… and guess what? she LOVED that you were a good listener to her soliloquy and gave her a soapbox to stand on.
Citation: The timeless classic book, also the preferred non fiction book of Charles Manson, “How To Win Friends And Influence People “
In my view, after the fact over text message is not the time to criticize someone’s behavior. Has to be done in the moment. Polite thing to do is say that you had fun and would love to hang out again. Next time, bring it up as they are doing it
I’m older and I had a long time friend who would talk and talk. (But nothing like THREE hours — how exhausting!). I felt so drained afterwards. I did bring up the issue of wanting to be listened to and she tried, but it was awkward. She would be absolutely silent, rather than asking follow up questions, etc. It still didn’t feel that engaging. We eventually parted ways.
Since that and other encounters with both men and women, I just can’t be the “good listener” any more. I need to be listened to as well. So if I make a new friend and they show me early on that they’re not big on listening I end it. I’d rather be alone that cultivate big talkers. I met a really nice potential friend; she had so many great qualities but she talked and talked and I decided not to pursue it.
Depending on how long you’ve been friends I don’t agree with ghosting. You could either thank her for the get-together and don’t address the her suggestion of getting together again, or you could try one more meeting and address it.
I’ve generally found that people don’t change too much from who they are.
Yea, this is tough. And I am sure we all have been the venter and the ventee. If you think she is more isolated lately, this sort of thing can happen sometimes. If it was you going through something in your life, would you appreciate the honest feedback? I am sure you would as you are sensitive enough to be asking in this forum. It is SO hard to know what to do. I know I have benefited from some honest feedback in the past. Even if she doesn’t appreciate it now, it will be a seed that may improve her own social skills in the future. There are some good methods shared below..
There are some people in the world who really need therapy but end up venting to their friends and telling their life story. They have a great time because they feel relief. It’s purely selfish and narcissistic. It’s not what a real friendship is. Now it’s up to you to tell her that you wish you had time to update her about your life, or talk over her to get your talking time in, or only meet her when you have 3 hours to spare for charity therapy work. This is how I manage these kinds of ‘friends’ in my life without disturbing my peace.
I talk and talk about a whole lot of nothing just because I’m nervous or I am excited over something. I don’t mean to but that’s my way of dealing with my nervousness.
If you “can’t get away to use the bathroom,” then it’s time to work on stating your own boundaries. It doesn’t have be serious or off putting, just hold up a hand in her mid sentence and tell her your halting things to use the bathroom. Make up a reason she can’t follow you you the bathroom.
Decide if you want to go out with her again. This sounds exhausting.
Why do need to tell her? I would just say it was good to see you and then don’t hang out with her again.
She’s not going to get the subtle ‘I’m busy’ she’ll just think oh I’ll try again another time. Also pls do not make fun of her for talking that much, i can guarantee she’s had that said to her a million times in her life & she’ll be sensitive about it and you’ll embarrass her.
The best response to this is a small lie that hurts no one’s feelings. Tell her it was nice chatting but you’ve just started seeing someone. Here there is no false hope that she’ll get to see you again & you aren’t rejecting her for just being herself
“Thanks, I’m glad you trust me so much to confide in me. I’m feeling a bit drained though. Next time, let’s go out and I can catch you up on my stuff / love life / interests.”
If you love this person but find the unending monologues draining, perhaps indicate that they’re burning through your energy too much.
If you find yourself in a monologue spiral:
+ make note of the time: e.g., wow I can’t believe it’s been an hour already.
+ movement: stand up, stretch, walk.
+ take a break: Sounds really interesting friend, your love life is pretty wild. I’m gonna go pee, do you want to go get lunch or something?
Or a simple “That’s really interesting friend. Can we change the topic?”
= a break in the monologue, a chance for your friend to tie up what they’re saying. If not, then say you’re feeling tired and gonna head home.
Your friend either will or won’t register that they’re not being a good conversationalist but your energy reserves won’t be depleted if you set your cap and your boundary.
“i’m glad you had fun! i’ll let you know when i’m available”.
it’s up to you if you want to be available in the future or not. tbh i’ve learned over the years there are very few things that are worth addressing with regular (not super close) friends regarding their behavior.
with really close friends and family it would certainly be worth addressing but with more casual friends things are generally either a point of contention or you are able to let it go and accept her for who she is. if she’s done it with you i’m sure she’s done it with others and it’s more appropriate to let *her* close friends and family address it.
Depends on the situation. Some people I know I’ll never get a word in and I don’t care because I’m happy listening to them because it makes them happy. I don’t need everyone to catch up with me or listen to me. Each friendship is different. I have people who will listen to me and never interrupt or care.
If you don’t want to be that person for her then just say so. Otherwise, don’t look at it from a you perspective.
just say you enjoyed it too and move on, that’s life for ya
Just say the reality of the situation, what you’re feeling, etc but with be tactful about it.
___
Her: Hey, I had so much fun hanging out with you the other day! It was really great.
You: Thank you for saying that! I’m glad you enjoyed our time together.
Her: Yeah, it was awesome. We should definitely do it again soon!
You: You know, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I want to be honest with you. I didn’t quite have the same experience during our hangout.
Her: Oh, really? What do you mean?
You: Well, to be honest, I felt a bit uncomfortable during our conversation. It seemed like most of the focus was on you talking about the person you like, and I didn’t get a chance to share or contribute much. It felt a bit one-sided for me.
___
A lot of people will understand your situation and callibrate their behaviour. Maybe the next time you will interact with he, you will have a more pleasant experience. It will also help her to change her behavior for other people in the future. If she doesn’t try to understand your situation then you don’t really need her in your life.
Happy to hear it!
I DIDNT HAVE FUN
Just be polite and move on.
I would say steer clear of this person. Really just sit there and listen until it’s over. I can’t hangout with people like that, I like mutual interested friends. If you don’t have friends who ask about you then they don’t really care. They could be using you to make them feel better.
I had a friend like this. The last time we hung out she kept interrupting me. Like she didn’t even realize she was doing it. That to me is worse than if she did it on purpose. Sometimes people don’t realize how little they care about others. That’s just how wrapped up in themselves they are.
Just lie and say me too while letting it fizzle out
“Somewhat long-time friend” suggests that you have known her for a while but not as a real friend. Has she ever had your back? Has she been someone who would be the first to congratulate you on your successes or commiserate with you on your losses? Or was she someone who was part of a group of friends, but not your close friend.
Depending on where I happen to be (like my energy level), I’m okay with listening to an acquaintance as a one-time situation about something they are having trouble with, but I have ended a friendship that was chronically an energy drain –every conversation was about that “friend” and their complaints.
Maybe you need to evaluate (or re-evaluate) your category of “friend.” The longer I live, I keep refining my priorities, which occasionally means determining whether I want to spend my time with someone. Sometimes it takes a bit for me to realize that there is a negative pattern happening. Evaluating and re-evaluating your relationships is a constructive way to improve your life. Your question here demonstrates that you are evaluating the relationship. Maybe you could be too busy right now to get together with your SLT friend, but leave open the possibility for getting together later. Kindness is a good default. I think it’s okay to help someone out without getting anything in return, but if it’s a chronic whining — I might question whether that’s the best way to use my time or my altruism (I regard my altruism as an energy expenditure –sometimes I have it, and sometimes I don’t).