We have been dating for almost two years, and one issue I haven’t been able to shake surrounds his hobby of EDM music. As our relationship progresses I have been thinking about it more and what it will mean in our conjoined life if we end up married. I didn’t realize how serious he took it until I was talking to him about my concerns the other day. He lives in a country that does not host any raves or festivals, and has never been to one, only seen them on social media and Youtube.
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According to him I don’t understand the community, music, the culture, or the lifestyle associated with EDM and I never will. He told me it’s extremely important to him and he wants to experience raves with his SO. I have no problem with him listening to the music, or going to regular concerts. Essentially what I am uncomfortable with about festivals and raves is the fact that there are huge crowds of half naked people doing drugs and drinking alcohol for hours on end in the hot sun, or camping for days at a time. It is just really not my idea of a good time, and I am not a fan of the music genre in general.
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Even if I didn’t go, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him going to them alone or even in a group. Neither of us drink or do drugs but I feel like in that environment it would be very easy to get sucked into as a social thing. Maybe some people think that’s “controlling” or shows that I’m insecure or don’t trust him, but I guess I don’t care. I don’t want to be around that environment or involved in it in any way, and I don’t want my SO to be.
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I am realizing that we might just be at two different points in our life. I am two years into my career and am thinking about my masters degree. I have a career where my public image is unfortunately something I need to think about. He doesn’t have any of these things on his radar, and he works remotely. Not that any of this means you can’t have fun or party, but I guess I am just ready to settle down and don’t want to be a part of that lifestyle. I can’t imagine starting a family and having my husband still going to raves and multi-day festivals like that.
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On some level I was hoping he would grow out of this, as potentially rude as that sounds. Not that people who are into this lifestyle are immature, but it just doesn’t fit into what I envision my future to be. I guess what I am wondering, is this something that we can come to a compromise on or that he will grow out of eventually? It feels like it shouldn’t be a relationship ender.
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tl;dr: bf is into the EDM lifestyle, I am not, and am wondering if there is any compromise we can come to.
5 comments
It just sounds like a simple issue of long-term incompatibility. You guys have obviously had some great times over the past two years but some relationships just aren’t meant to go long-term. Neither of you have done anything wrong and knowing when to move on from a partnership, especially when you’re no longer compatible, is a sign of maturity and honestly a milestone to celebrate! Look at this happy relationship you built, take stock of the things you’ve learned about yourself and others, and find peace in the fact that you’ve navigated this step in your personal development. This may sound harsh, but loving someone simply isn’t enough to stay in a relationship long-term. Your lives need to supplement and compliment one another’s or it won’t be sustainable. There’s someone out there who ticks your boxes and there’s someone out there who ticks his. Maybe it’s time to part ways. Best wishes to both of you!
You’re incompatible. The way you have laid it out, there is no real compromise to be had, only resentment.
It’s fine to not be into your partner’s hobby, but if you want him to not be any part of of it either, yeah – that’s a fundamental incompatibility. Expecting him to “grow out of it” is unkind and unfair to him. I’m not a fan of that sort of thing either, but plenty of grown-ass adults love it and do it their whole lives, and there’s no reason to think your partner should or will lose interest. You need to be able to accept the person you’re with, not who you think they could be if they would just change XYZ about themselves.
If you can’t love your partner for who he is *now* and not who you wish he would turn into, then yeah, that *is* a relationship-ender. I’m sorry. I know it’s painful and sucks and you wish he would just get over this one thing that you hate. But you need to break up with him if you’re not going to be able to cheerfully and sincerely wish him a good time and send him off to festivals with his friends. (Though yes, if you’re planning to have kids, the flip side of that would need to be equal time for *you* to go off and pursue whatever hobbies or travels you enjoy while he does the parenting.)
Honestly this is a little weird because he’s literally never even BEEN to a rave! He truly does not know if he’ll even like it. You don’t understand the community? I mean hello, it’s not like he “understands the community” either, considering he’s never once experienced it in his life. Does he have plans to travel to a festival in the immediate future? Or is he just going to pine over this activity he wishes he was participating in for the rest of his life?
It seems a little silly to me to break up over a hypothetical hobby, rather than a real hobby he actually participates in. But it DOES make sense to break up over after incompatible visions of the future and incompatible dreams for what your ideal life would be. I guess I would just want to wait to let him actually go to a rave and see if he even enjoys it before breaking up, because maybe he’ll hate it.
> Essentially what I am uncomfortable with about festivals and raves is the fact that there are huge crowds of half naked people doing drugs and drinking alcohol for hours on end in the hot sun, or camping for days at a time. It is just really not my idea of a good time, and I am not a fan of the music genre in genera
This is you not really understanding the culture. Not every rave is a giant festival. Not every one does drugs at raves, not every one dresses half naked. Even at the festivals you can not be down in the mud. Not to mention there are plenty that take place in places without mud.
>I am realizing that we might just be at two different points in our life. I am two years into my career and am thinking about my masters degree. I have a career where my public image is unfortunately something I need to think about.
So be just like tons of other people that go to these things, don’t do drugs, and dress normally. There isn’t a security checkpoint that requires your ass to hang out for admittance.
>On some level I was hoping he would grow out of this, as potentially rude as that sounds. Not that people who are into this lifestyle are immature
Everything about what you’ve written says you think people in the lifestyle are immature.