Sorry this is long. I think i need to process more than anything. My husband stared suddenly drinking in December. It’s gotten to be more over time and I have been getting more distant. 2 days ago I asked him if he was interested in stopping, and he said yes. But laughed at the suggestion of a support group. This is the first wed calmly talked in about a week. I managed to tell him I could NOT do a repeat of last weekend. Where he was insistent in bed, using the words “Just Let it Happen.” He didn’t say anything, he didn’t go buy more booze like he said he wanted to. He went to bed. I felt better.
Last night he did go buy more. And drank more than I thought a human could if I’m honest. He came to me. Barely able to stand, telling me how he knew I lied about the events of last weekend, and I said it just to try to get him to stop drinking. (I absolutely did not have a reason to lie about this.) He progressively got more animated, louder. The kids I’m sure hadn’t been able to sleep. I put my foot down after a while and tried to walk away. But he kept demanding I listen. Grabbing me and yanking my face in his direction. He destroyed a closet door. Vomited all over the floor. I was getting more and more nervous. He was speaking in an odd accent, at times I wasn’t even sure it was English. He was getting even angrier as I told him I couldn’t understand him when he was demanding answers. He was screaming and maniacally laughing at nothing. I barely said 10 words the entire time.
I called my parents to pick the kids and I up and we left. They were scared. I was nervous. He started calling/texting and I told him we left and we can talk when he’s calm. He starts blowing up my dad’s phone and sending threats. I ignored him until he bored himself.
I went today alone to see how things were. He had barricaded the front door but ultimately unlocked the back door for me. But he had the music on loud and kept his back to me. I didn’t know what to say. I gathered clothes for the kids and left. I can’t even start to think how to initiate the conversation. I don’t ever want the kids to hear anything like that again. I never want to be in this situation. He is currently a stay at home dad with no family nearby really so he will not just leave if I tell him to. But I’ve accepted if this doesn’t change, we need to call it quits.
I feel so stuck. How do I initiate a conversation to help ease the chance of further agitating the situation? Do I send a text? Do I go over there? What do I do if he refuses? I can’t stay with my parents forever.
7 comments
Sorry, but it sounds like you are enabling him. After all this, you’re still wondering how you can fix it instead of what you can do to make sure you and your children are safe.
The time for talking sounds like it has been long, long over.
You need to start the legal process to leave him.
First things first, get a lawyer. That should be what you do before ANYTHING. The lawyer will give you advice on how to proceed, how you should be contacting, what you should/shouldn’t say to benefit you during divorce proceedings, etc. **The best advice I can give you is not to listen to advice from any of us untrained, unprofessional, randoms on the internet.** Let the professionals give you the best advice for your specific situation. Avoid any rash decisions, including contacting him, until you have that in place.
After that, get a therapist, and consider bringing your kids into therapy if they’re old enough.
Good luck, and I’m glad you’re out of this situation.
I’m sorry you’re going through this all. It must’ve been traumatising for you and I’m so glad you made the decision to take the kids away. You don’t have to deal with him. You should’ve called police on him when he was being loud and obnoxious.
I’m glad your parents were supportive. Their home is a temporary solution till you get divorced. I wish you the best.
A destroyed door is malicious mischief domestic violence. I’d call the police. Maybe he’ll be charged and forced to move out by court order.
OK, i am getting different impressions from your post versus your comments. In your post, it sounds like you are looking for a way to help fix the situation between you both so that the relationship can be repaired. However, the first reply of your that I read made it clear you were done trying to fix things and want to know how to explain that to your husband. Well, actually, the first reply made it sound like you wanted advice on leaving but your response to the first person answering that request said you were actually looking at how to tell your husband you are done. I think these conflicting impressions are making it hard for us to understand how best to help you.
I really do understand how hard it is to clearly communicate when your situation is causing so much mental and emotional chaos. When things are shifting so much, it is hard to even complete a full thought, much less finish typing the whole thing out. And when the people around you seem to be completely missing the point, you start to wonder if the whole world is crazy. How can they not understand? Well, they don’t understand because 1) their minds are not moving at 100 miles an hour like yours has to be right now and 2) they don’t have all the background information yet.
Please try to be patient and thorough in your explanations. You may feel like you are climbing the walls because of how slowly things go at first but it will save you a lot of time if we all start on the same page from the get go
The only help you can give an alcoholic is to leave.
File for divorce