I was always close with my children, but especially my son. He always felt comfortable talking with me about everything, and last night, we were sitting in his room. He broke out into tears and told me everything. While out with his friends after school, he saw his dad (my husband) kissing another woman. At first it shocked me and it took me a while to collect myself. I comforted him and told him that I believe him and thanked him for trusting me.
We have been attending marriage counseling for the last couple of months. My husband has an extensive history dealing with depression. He tends to withdraw from me when his condition worsens. He has a terrible childhood PTSD. But he’s an amazing father. He’s always been there for our children. Also, another reason we need therapy is because he deals with low self-esteem issues. Considering that I am doing so much better career wise than him, and that I earn more money than he does, that has made him feel inferior to me.
Now here comes the dilemma. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. A lot of things add up. He started coming back home late, but he had also recently started a new job, so I tried not to think much of it. My husband had been married before me. His first marriage ended due to his first wife’s cheating. My son trusted me enough to share this with me. I don’t want to betray him. And he has never lied to me in the past. How do I confront my husband about what I know?
TL:DR: Yesterday, my son revealed that he had seen his father kissing another woman. Our marriage is already on a strain. We have been attending therapy for months. And his cheating is the last straw. We never talked about opening our marriage because we both had been cheated on before. I don’t know how to confront my husband and what should be my next move.
36 comments
> I don’t want to betray him. And he has never lied to me in the past. How do I confront my husband about what I know?
Why not bring it up during your next couple’s therapy session? You don’t need to mention your son at all. Simply say that he has been seen out, kissing another woman, and take things from there.
Remember to not stay in the marriage since it will be better for your son. Do what is right for you. Kids can feel the strain in the family. Your husband might not be working late but rather seeing the new girl
Just tell him you knew he’s cheating as someone you trusted saw him.
If this is a dealbreaker to you, tell him also that you’re filing for divorce.
He’s not an amazing father, or he wouldn’t have been making out with a woman in public, in front of your son, making him a POS setting up your son to tell you.
Since infidelity is a deal breaker, talk to a lawyer for options.
It sounds like you’re justifying WH’s character flaws and trying to put a reason on his cheating. I recommend putting a stop to trying to put a label on WH for stepping out on your marriage in public.
Your WH isn’t hiding his relationship, that has nothing to do with insecurities or depression if he’s PDAing in public. This is not something you do in your first or beginning of an affair. Boldness in cheating is a sign of confidence, and confidence comes from practicing without getting caught.
BTW, you think your son was the only person to see him? Or know about your WH’s cheating?
I’m sure his new work buddies know and his AP doesn’t seem to care he’s married with a family.
You can either confront him stating people have told you about he and his AP, or gather evidence and serve him.
I’m sorry OP for your loss. Don’t take any of his lies or excuses. I’m sure he’ll blame you somehow.
Support your son, make sure he knows whatever happens it’s your WH’s fault, not his. He may even need counseling if you divorce, thinking if he’d not told you, you’d be blissfully ignorant of WH moral and ethical bankruptcy.
You don’t need to tell him who told you, if you have the place and time he doesn’t need to know who saw him. Ask him if he has anything to share regarding what he was doing on Friday around [3:30], if he says nothing ask him if he’s sure that he doesn’t have anything to share about what he was doing on Friday around [time] at [location]. You could even go so far as to add on “with a woman with [describe hair or anything that your son recalls]. She if he keeps denying it. Do it on your own time but I’d really want to see if he lies/ doesn’t say anything.
Of course you should believe your son, but I wouldn’t confront your husband without gathering your own evidence. Without it, he could just deny and say your son was mistaken.
You could check phone records or better still get in to his phone to look at messaging apps.
Do you share location with each other? Where is he when he works late?
Bank statements, where is he spending his money?
If you want definite proof, hire a private investigator, but they are expensive.
Remember, this is not your fault. Good luck.
Lawyer up
I encourage you to snoop before talking about this during counseling in case he decides to gaslight ,denied or delete anything ! Look at his computer /phone,try to ask more time to see his reactions,go to his work at lunch,everything to know if he is in full affair or a miss understanding. You need real evidences because people who cheat and got caught have the tendency to react badly so you need to have a back up if it got worst !
Now I’m sorry to tell you that but if he really have a affair he can’t be a good dad because he don’t only broke your vows but betrayed and ruined his family.Just look how your son react,it proof how bad it got him so please stop trying to find excuses for your husband behavior because nothing justify this.
You need more information.
I saw a throwaway post by someone who said that she’d started divorce proceedings against her husband and was quite far through the process when her 7yo daughter admitted that she’d made up the story about daddy kissing another woman because she was mad at being grounded. Husband wasn’t sure he wanted to take back someone who wouldn’t trust and believe him. I’d like an update on that story.
Nevertheless – need more evidence.
Starr by getting your ducks in a row. Talk to a lawyer etc. He actually doesn’t sound like a great dad so you have to protect your kids. Then once you know your plan bring it up in marriage counseling but don’t say your kid saw it
Don’t say anything. Talk to your lawyer, follow their advice on how to prep and then serve him out of the blue when you are ready to end this. I usually advise end it instantly but since you are the bigger earner make sure you are covered for the eventualities of divorce, custody etc. There’s really no more point in trying to save this. He rendered it moot when he chose to betray his entire family again.
Of course, stop any sexual contact and get tested for STDs. If there’s one cheating partner there may very well be more than one.
Speak to a lawyer BEFORE you confront him and get your ducks/money in a row.
Don’t have to disclose that it was your son. It could have been anyone who told you.
Please do yourself a favor and stop finding reasons/making excuses for his behavior. So you make more money than him? Big deal. That’s not a green light for him to cheat.
It’s a deal-breaker for you. You know what you need to do. Leave him.
Cheating is a form of abuse. He’s not just cheating on you, he’s cheating on your whole family. He traumatized your son bc of his selfishness. I’m so sorry. It’s probably a coworker he’s cheating with. Coworkers are the number 1 AP. Mine cheated with a coworker. Do what you need to do. Good luck. 💔
Just sit him down and tell him you know. Don’t tell him what you know just say it and then he silent. Let him speak, don’t interrupt him. If he doesn’t own up to it repeat it again and say a friend told you everything the saw.
Don’t mention your son and don’t go into the conversation telling him everything, make him tell you what he thinks you know. That way you might find out more.
Shift the marriage counseling conversations to how to divorce with minimal damage to the kids. This is a deal breaker for you, so let the deal be broken.
Maybe bring it up in counseling but honestly do want to stay with him? You deserve someone who doesn’t cheat on you. Also I don’t know him but him feeling inferior is not your fault. What are you supposed to do stifle your career because of his feelings? He should be cheering you on for bringing money in to do great things in life together and as a family. It’s honestly weird to me tbh. Hope it works out for you. However it goes.
your son is old enough to understand his dad is cheating on his mom after what he saw. which is why he cried, because he understands everything. do not stay in such marriage as it will destroy you and also show bad example for the kid. do not let a cheating man get away with it and show him there are coincquences. especially because the husband has been cheated before so he knows how horrible it is to experience, him doing same to you is just inhumane and shows how he does not care. also do not say he is good father. just because he did the bare minimum which is to take care of the child that is his does not make him good father. him destroying your guys family as he stepped out, and after what kid has saw he is going to destroy child mental health. he is worst father.
I would speak with a lawyer and discuss how to proceed. It might be useful to get further proof of his infidelity. Also, since infidelity is a deal breaker for you, you may start putting your ducks in a row before you confront your husband
If you are in couple’s therapy, you could wait until your next session and confront him about it there. And no names need to be mentioned. “You were seen kissing another woman and it got back to me.” If he tries to redirect the subject to who told you, you just say “That’s completely irrelevant to the subject at hand, and we’re not going there.” And you’ll have the therapist there to (hopefully) back you up on that and keep the discussion where it needs to be focused, which is his cheating and what you’re going to do about it.
You might want to give the therapist a heads up in advance btw, so they aren’t broadsided by this when you raise it.
If it’s a deal breaker, maybe talk to a lawyer first. Then bring it up during therapy. Given the evidence and your son’s story, it’s pretty clear your husband is cheating. You need to protect yourself (and your kids) if you do decide to divorce or separate.
He’s cheating. He’s hiding things from you. You do not owe him 100% transparency at this point. Going to a lawyer to assess your options before confronting him is totally fair.
Look for any evidence, phone records, bank accounts if you can share locations. Get details from your son, where they were seen, what time, the day. Speak with your MC and let her know you ahead of time you have proof of infidelity and will be discussing it at the next session. When you and husband go to MC ask him point blank, why are you both spending the time and money to work on your marriage when he is happily and willingly stepping out of it. Tell him you know he is having an affair, he was seen. When the gaslighting begins, say it was X day at X’oclock and at X place. HE WAS SEEN. He can either start talking or not. After it’s done, apologize to your MC for wasting their time and let them know it will be your last session as you’ve spoken to lawyers and are filing for a divorce. I would do it while at MC so any blowback isn’t at home in front of your kids. And make sure they have somewhere to stay the night that day as I’m sure there will be a blow up once you get home and ask him to leave. He can go stay with his new GF.
Consult a lawyer first just for your information. If possible collect all the proofs you can find or hire a PI. Then confront him in the therapy session.
If your son saw it happen then it probably isn’t the first time and they probably have done much more in private if that’s what he’s willing to do in public. He been cheating on you
I would make sure to collect evidence first, since you stated that you earn a lot more than him, he might try and get alimony in a divorce. Evidence that the marriage ended because of his cheating might help you in that situation
Unless your husband knows your son saw him, I doubt he’d know who told you if you stated you heard the information from someone you trust.
I’d start preparing for a divorce but also seek out some secondary proof as well. Don’t say anything about it being your son who told you. Get your ducks in a row and trust but verify.
Amazing fathers don’t get caught cheating by their children. Do you have any idea how traumatizing this would have been for your son? Do you have any idea what it would have taken for him to tell you this?
I just wanted to give my 2 cents as someone who is recently leaving the father of my kids over infidelity from about a year ago now. I stayed and tried to make it work but in reality I was just doing what I’ve always done which is put “the family” ahead of myself. Not wanting my kids to have a broken home like I did.
When a plane is crashing you have to put on your mask first or else you’ll pass out before you can help your kids. If you are unhappy and he is unwilling to look in the mirror and work on himself, YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM OR PARTNER FOR LEAVING! You’re also not a bad mom or partner for that part of you that I’m sure still loves him and wants things to work themselves out somehow.
Some things are just too much to come back from, and starting from scratch is scary and hard, but you deserve true love and respect. And trust me mama, real love and respect will find you if you open your heart to it. Men love a milf these days!
ive seen enough posts on reddit where half the time its true and the other half the kids are lying b/c they wanted to get back at the parents for not buying them something or not letting them do something, basically wanted to get revenge on them. better find out the truth now before you get the divorce going before finding out later your kid was lying to you.
Your son is going to blame himself for your divorce and no amount of therapy will fix that. It’s your husband’s fault but your son will always feel partly responsible. He may also be less open with people generally because of this.
This is a super terrible situation and I’m sorry your family has to go through it. Be sure to get your son in therapy too 🫶
Whatever you do, make sure your son has therapy. Regardless of the outcome, he must feel immense guilt! Sorry this is happening to you.
You may have to hire a private investigator to take the onus off your son.
He doesn’t have to even be mentioned.
Go and speak to a divorce attorney and tell them about what your son saw. Possibly hire a PI, but separate your finances and lock down your credit and your child’s credit. Move forward with a divorce
I’m sorry that your son had to see this, he’s a great kid who loves you. Don’t make excuses for your husband, he isn’t putting his family first, just himself. If you are the higher earner, you should take a good hard look at where the money is going.
https://www.chumplady.com/2015/04/financial-infidelity-2/
Marriage counseling is great, and I hope it works out for you. Just remember to see a lawyer if things start to get weird. You don’t need to divorce, but just see where you stand legally and financially.
Cheating is a crime of entitlement. The cheater’s wants are more important than your family’s needs. Also, make sure your son doesn’t feel guilty a out telling you if your marriage goes south or your husband keeps on cheating. I would put your son in counseling so he has an independent person who can validate his honesty.
You get a private investigator and get some concrete proof that he can’t turn around on you or gaslight his way out of. Then you use that proof to divorce him.
And you never out your son. Ever.