21(F) here. I’ve always felt like I was in a box around people never really able to fully connect with others and be someone people genuinely like or look forward to hanging out with.
Some reasons I feel might be the cause of this is
1. I’m very bad at initiating conversations because I feel like I’m annoying the other person or feel awkward thinking why would they wanna answer this or answer to someone like me
2. I rarely ask for help because again I don’t want to be annoying, so I go back and try to figure things out by myself ( I’ve noticed a lot of people around me endear themselves to others because they readily ask for help but I’m not sure how I can do this myself without feeling like a complete bother)
3. I don’t have problems talking to people when there’s actually a project at hand that needs both of our immediate attention —but this leads to people thinking I’m someone who only approaches them when I need to get something done
4. I’m also a perfectionist so I sometimes get annoying when I want a specific task done — where I ask the people multiple times if something they said they would do is done
5. I suck at the kind of small talk where you ask people how they’re doing and how they’re family is and so on— maybe it’s because I’m a private person myself. However if I’m already talking to someone and I know things about them I enquire about their personal lives naturally.
6. I’m not a very fun person. I’m not outgoing and I do not prefer breaking rules or creating drama
I’m just so tired of living like this. Being on the outside looking in, while people build friendships for a lifetime.
Please tell me how I can make this better. Will appreciate any advice
3 comments
You sound a lot like me.
I think this is only solvable through professional help, namely through psychologists. There is a great connection between past trauma and creating those boxes, feeling annoying, lack of emotional connection or even expression etc. And then there is your introversion and being a private person, which is completely ok, but really makes those former struggles worse.
I have tried socialising more, but it ends up on me just not connecting and burning out and basically escaping the situation and then rethinking about it later, making the next encounter almost an impossible task, and also having this figure of a secretive and isolated person (so I have been told).
My advice is try to find a therapist, it is hard to deal with this alone.
Very relatable.
I went to a few therapy sessions and didn’t find it helped but I guess maybe that therapist wasn’t right for me or something.
OP, I’ll be direct with you: the issue is not being able to build relationships with others, it’s being able to build a healthy relationship with yourself.
1-4: “I feel like I’m annoying…”, “I don’t want to be annoying…” “leads to people thinking…” “sometimes I get annoying…” –> **Stop giving f*cks about what people think of you.** By hyper-fixating on what others may or may not be thinking, your mindset is polarized strongly negative versus positive. THIS is one of the reasons you are having trouble building relationships. Because you are polarized negative and people are naturally attracted to positivity.
5-6: “I suck…” ,”I’m not a very fun person…” –> **Again, polarizing very negative**, but this time, you’re actually repelling yourself. Why should others like to be around you if you don’t like being around you?
You don’t need to break rules, be outgoing, or create drama to make friends. You make friends by showing up as your authentic self and being vulnerable. Flip negative thoughts to positive. Here’s an example:
Instead of “Small talk when you ask people how they’re doing and how their family is” try another approach but this time as your authentic self. What are your favorite things in the world? Perhaps you like movies. Your approach could be “Hey, did you catch [movie] on Netflix?” And if they say YES, you can connect with them about the movie. If they say NO, you can say “Ah, it’s SO good if you’re into vampire comedies. What kind of movies do YOU like?”
And then they will either continue the conversation and it will be effortless OR they will be detached and disinterested in continuing the conversation, and you just move on.
Hope this helps.