**Update 2: This will probably be my last update. Since we talked my voicemail has been flooded by her. I’m now really worried about her. She will be coming tonight and will be staying with me. I’m probably going to be with her for sometime now. I won’t be responding to any messages because things have changed now and I need to look after her. I am grateful for all the comments.**
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**Update: My gf just called me and I told her that our relationship was not what it once was and I don’t think we are meant to be together. She completely lost her mind and began bawling. She kept on asking me why so I finally caved and told her that she and Brad made me felt out of place but I took responsibility for running away and told her it was my fault, not hers. After a lot of crying she told me she didn’t like Brad that way and was begging for me to come to my senses. At this point I felt pretty terrible (this is why I wanted to just text) and told her I was sorry and tried to wish her a good life. She told me she was booking tickets to come over tomorrow and we could figure it out. I told her not to come but she wouldn’t listen. She just sent me a screenshot of the tickets as well. I’m now really stressed. I don’t know what to do.**
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My GF and I have been together for 4 years ever since she was in med school. We met through some friends and got along great. She’s kind, beautiful and smart. However, there has been this guy who I’ll call ‘Brad’. Brad and her met during her last year in medical school and they became really good friends. They had a certain chemistry and always got along well. In the beginning it wasn’t an issue but towards the end they were really close. It got me unnerved but I figured they would be placed in different hospitals for residency and my problems would solve itself. But just as luck would have it they got into the same hospital for the same program, so they were going to be working together.
The hospital is a little far from where we stayed (about 45 mins), so now I don’t get to see her often. I really tried to find time to go and visit her but between her insane hours (she would only get off at 10pm) and my own job I couldn’t do it. At the same time those two were getting closer. At this point I’m pretty sure Brad had a thing for her because once when I came by his face turned pretty sour.Honestly, at this point I had begun to seriously worry about the relationship. I don’t know what I expected but I didn’t want to come off as some petty insecure dude (I did mention she and Brad had become pretty close and she said she was very grateful to have him as a friend) and was hoping she would notice something was off about me but neither happened. What really was the nail in The Coffin was when her aunt (she was really close) with passed while I was on a business trip. When I offered to come she told me she would be fine and Brad was helping her.
I am a data engineer and right after this call, I decided I was done. It was heartbreaking to play second fiddle and I applied for jobs elsewhere and after 2 months I was offered a better job in California. When I told my GF she surprisingly got upset but wanted me to pursue my career.
It’s been nearly 6 months since and I’ve just been focusing on myself. I’ve found an amazing barber and gym. I used the end of my relationship to fuel this rebuild and I’m pleased with the results. Surprisingly, after I moved to Cali, she and I have been talking a lot more but I couldn’t get over her and Brad (something I know is bad and have been in therapy to improve myself). About a month ago, I posted a picture with one of my female co workers (nothing inappropriate, posted a couple of pics with different people) and she became even more ‘concerned’. I’m not sure if she really was but I realised it was wrong of me to keep her in the relationship. I thought I’d just not pick up her calls and slowly go NC with her. Well a couple of hours ago she called me crying (called 10 times at midnight which got me worried) and said I haven’t been responding to her and was asking me what she did wrong, which honestly made me feel terrible. In the spurt of the moment, I said nothing happened but I was busy with work. She didn’t quite believe me and wants to come to California next week.I’m really not sure what to tell her now. I mean after how she treated me as second place why the sudden change of heart. From what I know she and Brad are still good friends. I don’t want her to come, and I think I need to end this relationship for my own sake. Do I just send her a text and block her? What do I do?
TL;DR GF was clearly in love with another guy but is suddenly worrying about me. How do I break up with her?
35 comments
Why didn’t you end the relationship when you decided you were done? You’ve been in California living a new life while simultaneously not breaking up with your girlfriend?
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If you break up over text, you are horrible. Be a man and make a phone call. Seriously. Like now.
I think you jumped to some conclusions about your gf and Brad. Nothing you write makes me think she is in love with Brad. If he is truly a friend and you are her bf, of course she’d be upset by your behaviour. It is possible to have male friends that are just friends.
Sorry, not sorry. You’re acting like an insecure man/child.
You can’t keep your mouth shut until you move on,pretend everything is ok then act like that it’s cruel! You should have broke up at the moment you where done rather pretending. Your way to handle the situation is unhealthy at all and you should work on that!
Call her and explain everything,she must understand why you leave her and in your side you definitely need to work on yourself to improve and avoid hurting someone else.
Here’s a crazy idea: she was just friends w him 🤦🏻♂️ Why is this impossible for hets on Reddit? Any hets agree OP over reacted and was insecure and threw away his relationship over it?
To my mind: He coulda talked to her, ask her to cool the friendship a bit bc it made him feel weird. He chose to bottle rather than be vulnerable and have his needs met with a lil distance. If she refused that, then he’d have a leg to stand on. He never once talked to about it, just got insecure and ran off.
Cant be upset at your gf for someone else wanting her. I personally think you let insecurities ruin your relationship. You never discussed with her instead ran Way and avoided everything. She’s acting exactly gow a girlfriend who loves and values her relationship should. Ugh im upset for her; stop talking bout it n be about it.
Did you at any point communicate your discomfort of her relationship with Brad? And I don’t mean through hints. Directly talk with her. If she cares about you, it would not have come off insecure.
Let her know how you felt when ‘Brad was there for her’ when her aunt passed. Or did you just make all these assumptions without confirming?
You basically threw the whole relationship away by running away and she is truly blindsided by this. Just because Brad liked her didn’t mean she was gonna go for him. She will now that you are breaking up with her – good job on letting Brad win.
She literally didn’t do anything. I can’t believe you stayed on a business trip instead of just going to see her in her time of need. When she was grieving you wanted her to make you feel wanted? You should do her a favor and leave.
Omg you didn’t even talk to her about the Brad thing?
You decided in your head that she was preferring him over you and just went with that? Because she didn’t want to *impose on you* and make you end a business trip to come to her aunt’s funeral?
I’m baffled at the level of immaturity and complete and utter lack of willingness to communicate you display. You can’t be in a relationship if you aren’t willing to share your feelings with someone. Especially if those feelings are “I’m worried, lonely and i feel neglected”
*Which, incidentally, is what she is doing now*
I think you played a movie in your head and decided to throw away your relationship based on that and not on reality and that’s very sad.
You need to talk to this woman and let her know that you want to break up. And don’t you dare blame this on her. This is entirely on you.
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I feel like you’re expecting her to know your boundaries without actually verbalizing them. It doesn’t work that way. You have to actually communicate when there’s an issue.
If you don’t want to be with her, be honest.
“Your friendship with Brad has bothered me. I feel like you’ve put him ahead of me on occasions and it really hurt the way I felt about this relationship. I don’t think this is working for me. I want to break up. Please don’t come here. I’ve been feeling this way for a while, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.”
You’ve been together 4 years. That’s the least you can do.
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Sir. Your communication skills are TRASH. How is it you had this concern all this time and it sounds like you never said anything to her about it? And then you up and MOVE and still dont tell her? Grow a spine and say the hard things already, jeez!
So you never told her you have an issue with her and Brad. You thought she should read your mind. You then moved away and were surprised she was upset. You then were surprised when she got concerned once you started posting pictures with coworkers. Your big plan was to ghost her. What kind of shitty plan is this? You can’t be a grown up and break up?
I see only one person in this relationship who is acting inappropriately and it isn’t her.
You are waaayyy too old to be playing games like this. Do the right thing and break up with her – and not via text! – you’ve led her on long enough.
Honestly. 🙄
Omg. Strap on a pair, call her and tell her you don’t think the relationship is working anymore.
All your subtle hints is just cowardly way of not owning up to your own feelings and actions. You checked out of the relationship without actually giving her a chance to address your concerns. And it’s not her fault for not being a mind reader and not catching on your subtle hints.
Throwing away a 4 year relationship over a conclusion you jumped to in your head. Your gf would be better off without you, she deserves someone who will actually communicate how they feel and not run away to another state like a coward. You also don’t need to be in any new relationships until you work out your issues. I’m wishing your gf the best and hopes she knows none of what happened is her fault.
WTF, dude? You left your girlfriend months ago, but DIDN’T TELL HER?!?! Because you were insecure over a close friendship she had with a coworker? A friendship that you never even questioned her about?
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Dude. If you’re gonna fucking break up with someone, have the fucking balls to tell her when you do it, don’t just hope she’ll fade away, after FOUR FUCKING YEARS!
Just read your update. She won’t listen because you’ve displayed zero backbone, friend. If you’re truly done with her, you need to *firmly* establish that you will not see her and you’re not interested in continuing the relationship, whether she flies out or not. Will it destroy her? Probably, yes. Is this your fault? 100%. But at this point, you need to *stop doing damage*. The kindest thing to do is to suck it up and be straightforward and firm.
ETA: Honestly, the right thing to do is call her, but at this point, ending it once and for all is the most important thing. If you can’t stomach the thought of calling her or (gasp) confronting her face to face, message her saying that you’re sorry, you know that you went about this the wrong way, but there is no saving this relationship, and you won’t change your mind, even if she did fly out. BE CLEAR. No “ifs” or “maybes”. Then block her everywhere. It’s the cleanest break for you at this point, and yes, you are a coward and an asshole and you should feel bad. Good luck.
Do other girls a favor and stop dating. A grown ass man acting like this lmao what a coward
You didn’t want to seem insecure, so you did some insecure stuff like running away without actually breaking up with her. I’m not saying your feelings weren’t justified, but I’ve read a few posts about people in her career path and those people work their asses off. It takes a toll on partners who don’t understand that they usually take 2nd place until they are well into their jobs. Apparently, you didn’t get the attention you felt you deserved, or you were so jealous of the other guy you didn’t actually let her know how you really felt. She’s on the way, so if you don’t think you can actually say how you’ve been feeling, let her read your post and go from there.
So… you tried to ghost your girlfriend of 4 years?! Am I understanding that correctly? Bloody hell, talk about heartbreaking and not getting any closure!
I’m pleased you called to break up with her, obviously communication between the two of you was severely lacking through the relationship so it seems to have blindsided her, but also she needs to accept that it’s over 🤷♀️
Wow. What an absolute coward you are. Don’t act like doing the bare minimum now, 6 months later, is any evidence of you having grown up. She deserves a hell of a lot better than a whiny child who won’t communicate and thinks ghosting is the right way to go. You are disrespectful and frankly, stupid.
re: update, what you do now is experience the consequences of your own actions. but hey whatever goes down from here you’ll still have an amazing barber.
maybe some day your therapist can help you to see how your fear of being perceived as insecure has turned you into an utter coward.
you are quite right that your gf will be happier without you.
Sorry dude but you’re just going to have to face the music cause shes coming now whether you like it or not. And running away to California doesn’t solve your issues like it use to. I think it will be good to get this final confrontation out of the way and be done. You’ll feel a lot better.
I’d suggest writing out a script or letter. Something that you can read to her so you don’t have to come up with stuff on the fly. And that will allow you to express your feelings in a clear and concise manner. Just prepare yourself for a lot of crying and difficult conversations
you are a selfish, non-communicative, coward. hope she finds someone who actually loves and appreciates her. the fact that she is willing to fly to you to work this out with you says a lot about her. she clearly cares about you deeply, and you couldn’t even break up with her to her face. god you suck
You are why men have a bad rap about being cowardly about break ups. You don’t want to be the bad guy so you act terribly to her in hopes she dumps you. It’s messed up and you should not be dating and hurting other women until you grow up and figure your shit out.
Holy shit your update “this is why I wanted to just text” – I hope she comes to her senses and realizes how much better off she will be without you. You REALLY need to learn how to communicate if you ever want to be in a healthy relationship.
Sounds like you were done with the relationship and she wasn’t. You made assumptions that were convenient to fuel your narrative and then left without really defining what it meant between the two of you. Do her a favour and tell her it’s over, in those words. Apologize and be to the point. I have a feeling you’ve probably been very vague in order not to hurt her and it’s just making things worse. Own up.
This could have been resolved if you broke up with her in person 6 months ago. I know that’s water under the bridge, but ghosting a long term relationship is so wimpy and unkind.
Like you’ve known you were broken up for months, but didn’t bother to tell her. How is she supposed to react?
Also the notion that she “was clearly in love with another guy”? That’s not clear at all. They work long hours together in a very stressful environment. They can be close work friends without her being in love with him. This was also something you should have talked to her about a year or more ago.
Jeez, dude, do better.
Here after the update:
**Of course she doesn’t believe you. To her, you moved for work not to end the relationship.**
Most people in long term relationships want a face-to-face breakup. Don’t just work on yourself. Get therapy. This post is full of truly dysfunctional thinking and actions. You need an outside POV stat before you date anyone else.
You are beyond stupid.
>I thought I’d just not pick up her calls and slowly go NC with her….Do I just send her a text and block her?
Dude, this is some dickhole behavior right here. Your girlfriend hasn’t done anything wrong, and if you don’t want to be with her, you need to man the fuck up and look her in the eye and say, “I’m sorry. This isn’t the right relationship for me. I think after some time, you will find it wasn’t right for you either. I wish you well.”
Instead, you literally move to California and kept dating her, and tried to pull a cowardly slow fade, so that you could be spared the temporary discomfort of standing your ground for a face-to-face breakup with your girlfriend of four years? Seriously?
You need to tell her it’s over and that you don’t want her to fly to go through the stress and expense of flying out there, but that if face to face closure is what she really needs, you will give it to her when she arrives.
Then do it, and **break up with her face-to-face, like an adult.**
Leave Brad out of it. Yes, you are jealous of Brad, and apparently your jealousy of Brad is so intense you’d rather set the relationship on fire than work through it, and that is entirely your prerogative. But don’t go blaming Brad or telling her that she’s in love with Brad— all of that bullshit is in **your** head, not hers. And trying to convince a person that you know better than her what she actually wants is a ridiculous losing battle. So don’t even try it.
Just tell her you aren’t happy anymore, and that you’re sorry to hurt her, but you are no longer happy in this relationship. It is hard to accept, but that is really the only reason any person ever needs to break up with someone: **you do not want to be with her anymore.** Any additional reasons or excuses or details you try to offer are not going to help; she will only see them as negotiation points to argue against. So don’t give her anything to work with.
She will have a hard time, but if you stand your ground and don’t waste time trying to convince her that you’re not a bad guy or pretending that this is somehow her fault or trying to get her to still like you and think well of you while you are dumping her, all you will do is make it worse. So cut that shit out, and stick to, “this isn’t working for me anymore; I do not see a future for us, and our romantic relationship is over. I don’t want to make this harder than it needs to be or leave you with any doubt or ambiguity, so please tell me what I can do to help you move on.”
The best thing to suggest is probably a minimum of two weeks of full No Contact (really, I would go with four weeks, one per year, or longer if she thinks she needs longer). Then respect that, take her back to the airport, then block her on everything and commit to the NC period. Yes, it will be hard, but it is a thousand times less shitty than stringing her along or blaming her for your feelings.
You can talk over your jealousy with your therapist; that is exactly the right person to help you work through your feelings, and I’m glad you’re on board with that.
I know you can do better. So look in the mirror, tell yourself, “Do better.” And then go out and actually do it.
Good luck