Here’s another post designed to call out some of the issues that seem to continue to crop up in this sub:
Wife is frustrated that Husband doesn’t do enough housework / contributes to home / present in relationship.
Husband is frustrated that wife doesn’t do enough housework / contributes to home / present in relationship.
This isn’t a gender issue, this is a work ethic issue!
You cannot coexist with another person in an asymmetrical situation where one person is carrying all the weight within a relationship. This generates resentment from the exhausted party.
What can you do if your partner isn’t pulling their weight? First step is to communicate! These issues should be fessed out BEFORE you cohabitate but if you’re beyond that and already in a position of frustration then you’re facing an uphill situation of you’re own making for tolerating that for so long.
What can you do if communication isn’t working? Go find a couples therapist, commit to 10 sessions regardless of your opinion of the person and their feedback. This is suggested because the person who is told they need to grow up almost always wants to fire the therapist, that shouldn’t be an option going into it.
What can you do if therapy doesn’t work? Honestly – it’s time to find a lawyer and gear up for separation because if they’re unwilling to change with the help of a professional then they’re just not going to. You have to do what you need to do for your own mental health and the health of your children if they exist.
Good luck to everyone struggling, I hope you all find a healthy path forward.
4 comments
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Agree with this.
In a marriage we need to be honest with ourselves and recognize what is objectively fair. Humans innately know what is fair – but often choose to ignore it (mostly out of selfishness or the tragedy of the commons).
My wife has a much more demanding, higher-paying job – which includes running a business. Her hours are longer, and she is on all day. When the phone rings, it is the sound of money.
I have a WFH consulting job where I am paid to think, design, plan, and worry. I have a lot of flexibility and bandwidth to do all sorts of other things.
So I am on point for picking up, spot cleaning (we have regular cleaners for deep clean), groceries, cooking, maintenance, finances, etc.
And you know what? It is obviously fair – and I quite enjoy it! Makes me feel useful and valued, and frees her to focus.
In a marriage with more comparable spouses, a good general rule is this: if you see something that can be done in 5 minutes, stop and do it.
Also (as per Louis CK): ” You dont look in their bowl to see if they have more than you; you look to see that they have enough “. Translation: check that you are giving what is fair and in your capacity, before worrying about what the other person is doing.
The conversation first needs to be establishing what the **shared** expectations are.
“Marriage takes work” in this context can very easily be linked to the simple fact that “existence takes work”. *Co-*existence *should* ideally spread that work around, but that doesn’t result in it being eliminated for either party entirely. More often than not in many of the posts I see on this sub, though, one party seems to shoulder the entire burden of work, both physical and emotional, due to the other party’s sense of entitlement or simple lack of consideration (and this IS often based on sexist assumptions, like it or not—doesn’t mean that situations where sexism doesn’t enter into the imbalance shouldn’t be regarded as equally problematic, but misogynist thinking does often help this behavior better fly under the radar), and that is not okay and inevitably results in resentment. In the real world, ease is always the product of effort on somebody’s part, and when that person is the person you live with and love more than anything, turning a blind eye to this and abdicating responsibility is not a sustainable attitude.