How do I flirt?

4 comments

1. Hey there.

   **”How do I flirt? What tips do you all have for people who have never flirted before?”** Flirting, in its essence, is a *playful* behavior in which you display interest in someone with the objective of captivating them in a romantic/sexual way. This can be achieved by sending out signals verbally and using body language.

   The authenticity of your flirting is tied to your level of awareness. In other words, if you are deliberately trying to charm someone, then that would be an artificial way of flirting. When you interact with someone you are genuinely interested in, you are likely to send out those signals inadvertently. That is what I would call an authentic way of flirting.

   My point is that you have most likely authentically flirted with someone without realizing it previously.

   **”How can I avoid coming off as a pick-up artist/seduction while flirting?”** Avoid mind games, don’t be touchy, and save the smooth talk.

   **”How would I separate my “flirting” strategies from the usual friendly interactions/friendship building skills that I would have if I am not interested in someone?”** If you are not interested in someone in that specific way, it is very unlikely you will be (inadvertently) sending out romantic/sexual vibes to them.

2. Flirting is where you tinge a comment with a kind of “energy” – often achieved by expressing it in a way where it can be taken in more than one way – the innotation you give whilst making it is what clues the other person into how you may intend it.

   This all sounds very garbled, I get that, so let me give you an example:

   Imagine a date and conversation switches to how you were both nervous, and unsure what to pick to wear. Your date directs attention to her dress and how she was unsure whether it was a good pick.

   “I think you look sexy as hell” – whilst a forward comment, this is NOT flirting, because there is only one way to interpret this comment, it is obvious. This is more the equivalent of simply “speaking one’s mind” in my opinion. Same thing goes for saying how someone looks “bangable” or whatnot. The point is the woman has no “wriggle room” to interpret your comment. Not to say this approach may not be successful, it could be, but it’s not flirting in my opinion. There is a risk of it coming across *too* forward as well.

   “It looks great on you” – now this comment has potential to be a flirt because there is a variety of ways you can interpret the comment, it could be a simple generic observation or it may be a statement that the person means “a good deal more than simply looking good” by it. This is handled by how the person delivers the line, where they put the emphasis in the sentence and the tone of how they say it (along with eye contact and body language). Let’s consider two different deliveries:

   1) “It looks great on you” as you remain sitting back, making general eye contact, maybe with a nod or something. I would say this is not a very clear flirt and is “friendly” and “safe”.

   2) “It looks…” with a slight lean in and pause as your eyes very quickly scan the individual before moving up to their eyes “…great on you.” with fixed eye contact and a definitive smile as you finish the sentence would totally change the delivery of the line and make it more intentional. This in my opinion is a more obvious flirt. Could be viewed as a bit skeevy, depending on how the eye contact and scan portion is handled.

   —

   Other tips to be mindful of: flirting is impactful when it strikes contrast. If every other line you speak is tinged with suggestion and the body language the person might think that’s just how you operate in general. It needs to be clear it is “specifically being done” and “is not how you normally operate” because that means it’s being done for that person’s benefit – it makes them feel special/desired, which is the purpose of flirting.

   This said, it musn’t appear obvious in the mechanical sense, so you need the confidence to deliver and speak this way almost as if it is natural, else it will appeared contrived and PUA like. This is where you may need to think carefully about how you deliver the body language bits and innotation. Too much obvious emphasis on a single word alongside a very intense sudden look can make it look like you’re performing a rehearsed line.

   Also, be observational and perceptive. So maybe make comments about stuff that has transpired earlier in the date, and tinge it with this energy: “…Yeah I noticed you did that a lot earlier, I actually think it’s really cute.”. It shows you’re paying attention to the other person, whilst sharing your opinion of them at the same time.

   Lastly, LISTEN. A good flirt listens to their partner and uses the things they say to advance conversation whilst communicating their feelings with their delivery. Domineering the conversation to “set up” opportunities for you to make these kinds of comments is PUA territory. You can still give the other person space to lead the conversation whilst making yourself clear: “Oh wow, that sounds fascinating and exciting! I especially like how much you smile when talking about it, it’s a really great smile! So please, tell me more” and so on.

3. [Here’s a really thorough guide into flirting for complete beginners.](http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html)

4. Flirting comes down to 5 key things:

   1. Playing up your strengths
   2. Tone of voice and energy you give off
   3. Being a good conversationalist/ reading the person
   4. Pace and building tension
   5. Challenging the other person
   6. The Bliss Point
   7. Body Language

   **To keep it simple: play up in flirting what you’re good at in your day to day conversations.**

   If you’re funny or witty – crack jokes. If you’re sarcastic throw in some dry humour and see how she responds. Banter doesn’t have to be hilarious one liners, it can be as simple as teasing someone and saying things with a light hearted goofy energy. Don’t try to be funny or sarcastic if you’re not because then it can land wrong. If humour isn’t your strong suit, teasing or being cheeky is usually the best way to go.

   **Remember less is more with teasing.**

   Don’t overdo it or you may come across too strong or rude. Give a little, gage her reaction and she if she banters back. Maybe she’s a little more shy and needs to come out of her shell. Maybe she also flirts by lightly bullying so it really depends on the person and you being able to read their energy and how they communicate.

   Usually I find story telling works well when flirting because you can share something embarrassing or weird that happened to you. Preferably a story you’ve already told your friends and they found entertaining, so its likely to get a similar reaction. It’s also a good way to get her talking about something similar she can relate to. You can also build attraction in this way by sharing something about yourself or a situation you were in and then banter at the same time when she responds by saying things like: “oh really that’s great advice thanks wish I’d known sooner, or “is that so? well would you have done in that situation.

   **To avoid coming off as a pick up artist** approach the situation with a more friendly/upbeat energy rather than seedy energy. You can still be flirty whilst being friendly, which I feel works better for guys because if you get rejected then it’s not as obvious. If you lead with friendly and it goes south, you can salvage it by just playing it off as though you were trying to be nice. And this can very much be the case. If you go in with the mindset of I want to have a good conversation with this person, make them laugh or simply get to know them a little better, you can’t go wrong.

   Remember part of flirting is being a good conversationalist. Knowing how to keep a conversation flowing, interesting and a two way street all play a role in building chemistry with someone.

   **General consensus:** girls can sense if you are trying too hard to make it known that you’re flirting. We can also tell if you’re desperately hoping it goes somewhere beyond the conversation and this easily puts us off. Don’t give too much in one sitting.

   **Another key part of flirting is building up the sexual tension each time.**

   So that the next time you flirt it’s a continuation of the energy you gave off before. That person now associates you with banter and maybe some sexual chemistry so it’s easy to pick up where you left off. It’s obviously different if you know you’re going to see that person again.

   However, if this is a stranger whose number you want to get, you may need to progress the conversation more in a shorter time frame. Don’t try too hard, just play it by ear, see where the conversation goes and the energy she gives back. If you get a good vibe back, go for it at the end and ask for her number in a polite way. She’s probably waiting for you to make some sort of move. It doesn’t even have to be a number you could follow her on instagram and send a funny reel.

   If the convo was going well, she’ll want to continue it.

   **PACE, PACE, PACE:**

   **The pace at which you flirt is really important**: don’t speak super fast when you’re trying to flirt or tell a story. You build sexual chemistry by pausing, reacting and speaking in a calm yet playful way.

   **CHALLENGE THE GIRL:** Another tip to flirting is to disagree with the girl, again in a bantery way. That is if you actually disagree with something she said. The truth is we don’t like when guys just agree with everything we’re saying and don’t think for themselves. It doesn’t make us respect you more or think more highly of you. If anything you could come across as a people pleaser if you just conform to all of my beliefs and opinions.

   **At the end of the day we want to be challenged too.** Even if it’s about something super trivial like a character on a show or unpopular opinion about Kanye West, disagreeing with someone opens up the floor to flirt by actively letting them know you think differently to them and then giving yourself and them a chance to elaborate on why it is you think what you do. This can also build sexual tension as you’re arguing about something but in a (hopefully) playful way. It also allows us to learn from you and gain a different perspective which is where attraction is built.

   Don’t however, disagree just for the sake of it, that’s super obvious. I think if you’re discussing a topic or point of contention then you can just question some things she’s saying as a challenge but it doesn’t have to be a “no you’re wrong, what I think is right” kind of vibe.

   **Remember tone of voice with flirting is everything.** This paired with the energy with which you disagree with someone is important. Being light hearted and keeping the air of the conversation flirty is much better than being super intense on getting your opinion across, as this could just kill the chemistry completely.

   **THE BLISS POINT: FLIRT AND THEN LEAVE WHEN THE CONVERSATION IS AT IT’S PEAK.**

   If the conversation is going well, you’re getting along, laughing, bantering and flirting, say you’re at a party or bar, don’t stay in the conversation too long. Obviously don’t just abruptly leave mid convo. But if you feel yourself running out of things to talk about or want to have a reason to talk to her again, leave when it gets really good so you leave her wanting more. For instance, you could say I’m just going to get another drink I’ll be back. Or I’m just going to say hey to my mate for a second.

   Then eventually go back for more and she will be excited to see you again. When you do, switch it up. If you were chatting before, ask her to dance, or if she wants a drink, join a game i.e. beer pong or go on a walk (party environment). Being in new settings with more people gives you other things to talk about. If it’s at work or college, ask her to get coffee or tell her there’s something you want to show her and then show her something new / interesting. Sit in a park and people watch. This is a good way of focusing on something else and being able to come up with stories and crack jokes.

   At a party/group setting: Get her around your mates so she can see you being yourself and joking around with others / being yourself.

   **Another GREAT TIP:** if you’re having trouble getting to talk or flirt with the girl that you’re interested in – and you’re around her friends. Talk to her friends. Making a good impression on her friends is very underrated but it truly does wonders. Get them laughing and having fun. She’ll notice that and want to be part of the conversation. It doesn’t mean flirt with her friends, but if you give off fun and positive vibes to everyone around her, especially her closest friends, this will attract her to you without necessarily having to massively flirt with her to get her attention. There’s also nothing more attractive than a guy who can get along with our friends and who’s also the reason everyone is having a good time. Her friends will remember you too and could bring you up in convo to get her thinking about you again. Utilise all the resources you have my friend.

   **BODY LANGUAGE:** Depending on the situation, you could also lightly touch the girl/guy you are flirting with. Timing here is important, maybe a light nudge as part of your teasing just to show you are actually interested. Don’t be stiff, stand up straight and open your shoulders. Face her directly, and make eye contact. Body language is massive to flirting, it reveals a lot about how someone feels about you.

   For instance, with a friend you’re not going to sit close to them, or with your knees touching and feet facing them. Whereas, with a crush you’re more likely to edge closer, sit next to them rather than opposite and touch them every so often. Best way to build attraction – make longer eye contact with someone you’re flirting with. Look away for a brief period then look back up at them. This makes them want to meet your gaze again. Eye contact also builds trust and increases attraction. You could also greet them or part ways with a hug to initiate some sort of physical contact.

   **To answer your last point:** you can seperate “flirting” strategies by giving off a different kind of energy to each person depending on your intentions.

   Keep the conversation with people you aren’t interested in romantically – as friendly as you can and even if you do tease a friend, do it to a lesser degree than you would with someone you’re trying to flirt with. Maybe you’re just a naturally charming person and banter with everyone you interact with, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re flirting. However the frequency and intensity at which you engage in this playful banter is usually the point of difference between a friend and and someone you’re interested in.