For all the guys who preach “leading” in their relationships, at what point does it go from leading to controlling in a negative way?

15 comments

1. When I’m “putting handcuffs” on a woman. I don’t want to tell her what she can and can’t do with her life. I want her to feel like what I’m doing is for the better of the two of us, so she’d be happy to participate.

2. When you stop respecting her wishes

3. It requires the other parter needing a more secure personality. The more anxious they are, the more difficult it’ll be to communicate without ordering. The more avoidant they are, then communicating overall might not happen. At this point, you just have to lay it out with how you’re feeling and ask them to express the same. Go from there.

4. Lead by example. Do the right thing even if it doesn’t get fully appreciated or always noticed. Communicate and be honest about your feelings and how you want things to go, but make sure you let your partner do the same.

   Negativity is forcing change or using aggression to make it happen. Avoid this and you should be fine.

5. Leading comes from a place of respect and being secure in who you are as a man.

   Controlling behavior usually stems from some sort of self doubt or projection that the girl is going to do something behind your back unless you put her on a leash.

   So to answer your question, it goes from leading to controlling the moment that you start monitoring her every move and trying to tell her how to live both at the same time basically.

6. When my partner becomes unhappy, duh. I really can’t think of a deeper answer to be honest.

   I’m not leading anyone against their wish. I’m not leading to boost my ego or to show someone I’m “the man”. My partner is free to decide how she wants to live her life. It just happens that she loves when I fill the traditional masculine role.

   That doesn’t mean I’m above her in any way. We are equals in our relationship and I don’t do things that damage her dignity. We just happen to be happy with what I personally think is a natural dynamic between men and women and it works for us.

7. Respectful leading.

   We need to complete X so I will do Y and you do Z OK?

   Controlling.

   Do Z.

8. It depends on the woman you are with. Some women are very anxious/insecure and don’t feel safe or loved unless everything is very structuredOthers have weird ideas about relationship mechanics and expect you to make every decision.

   Of course there’s also the extreme opposite who want to boss you around lol.

9. “leading” by example…taking initiative in as many ways as productive and treating people with respect.

   Not “controlling”… micromanaging, telling someone what to do/think/wear/who they can be friends with, etc.

10. You need to have fairly common (at least once a week) honest conversations with your partner about whether you are doing too much or too little

11. I wouldnt say that I preach it, since things like that have a lot of nuance… But I might match the foundation of that label.

    Being a leader doesn’t mean you are an overlord. It means that you make decisions and walk a path. Other people believe that you are going to some place they want to be and so they follow you there. A partner in the passenger seat can always decide where to eat if she wants…. You’re just driving.

    If someone else tried to take the reins… Usually I let them. Sometimes it’s because I like where they are going. Sometimes it’s just because I think it’s useful for them to see what happens. Sometimes leading is following the right person. Rarely do I put my foot down but sometimes a decision is bad enough to warrant it. On the other hand, if she felt strongly about a certain decision I would be much more likely to acquiesce.

    Usually women like this. It makes them feel secure and taken care of as long as they are confident in my competence. The only problem they seem to have is that they get intimidated and don’t want to confront me as they get used to this dynamic when 95% of the time I would probably react positively. In truth… I like playing the part of the “controlled beast” and find it attractive when she acts like the “boss’s boss.”

12. Not preaching, but recognizing the strengths and weaknesses of that dynamic.

    Authority comes with responsibility and therefore requires competency. If he is an idiot he can’t lead or demand to be put in charge without raising questions to his ability to self reflect (and if she complies her ability to assess people). To be in charge of a majority of important decisions the couple has to make in lofe means he has to have the ability to understand the consequences as well as consider the “soft factors” to choose a way forward that is both effective for the longterm but acceptable for people under his protection & authority.

    Of course, if there is a third party involved that undermines his authority (like the law in many modern nations) then there is no point to try and lead anyone on this jurisdiction in the first place. Responsibility without authority is slavery. So there is a balance that has to be found in all of this and it seems that discussing how that looks has become impossible.

13. When there’s a lack of respect.

14. Listen to her and don’t be a stupid jerk.

15. Does the action respect your partner? If yes, leading, if no, probably controlling