I matched with this guy on Hinge. We talked for a few weeks. We got along really well but he was always busy at work. No biggie, me too, gotta pay those bills. He lived about an hour and 45 away from me. I planned on getting a greyhound to go and see him, but it ended up not working out because I didn’t get the days off I needed.
Red flag one was him completely ghosting after making plans to have a phone call because he “got drunk and punched a wall and fractured his knuckle.”
He called me at work one day and we were having a pleasant conversation. He said he was off two days and a row and he may just buy an uber to me. We were both super excited. He got the uber to my job, we met, it was nice, we went to go eat after I got off. We went back to my place, smoked, hung out. Everything was great! He started crying while we were cuddling and I noticed when I went to kiss him. I asked him what was wrong and he said he’s just so scared he’s going to get hurt, and that I’m going to leave. I reassured him as best as I can.
We did end up making out and he ended up going down on me but that was it. I don’t care about sex that much and it isn’t a big deal to me. I made that clear before, since he said that he was nervous about it. I said multiple times, “no worries, if it happens it happens. We don’t have to do that.” And he responded that HE wanted to.
The next day, I had to go to work. He was supposed to stay at my place until I got off, but then he ended up texting me at work that he was going to get his brother to come get him that night. Mind you we had planned to do stuff when I got off. I am autistic, so when plans change unexpectedly, it completely throws me off. I was admittedly a little freaked out and overwhelmed. I called him because he wasn’t communicating at all. When he finally answered me he got mad at me for being overwhelmed. He said “I only have two cigarettes and I haven’t even gotten paid yet. I’m uncomfortable being this broke and you’re making me feel like I’m in a situation I can’t control. My brother is already on his way. I stayed up all night with you after getting up at 5am the same day…” He just kept shaming me for all of these things that he initiated. I didn’t ask for any of those things, and he failed to communicate what was happening. Communication is a big thing for me because I can’t just “understand” the way neurotypical people do. The last thing he said was that he was going to come see me at my job. He never came to see me at work. He went on in text to say that he’s so scared I’m going to hate him and that I’m going to be angry. So whilst I’m the one being hurt, I have to comfort him. He ended up ghosting again.
I texted him the next day to try and talk things out. He said that I pressured him into sexual stuff, I’m overly sexual and that he is mostly asexual. He never mentioned this prior. He also said he wants to talk but he’s scared because we want different things. Mind you that night he point blank asked me to go down. I was fine with it. Once again I wasn’t the one who initiated. As I stated earlier, I stressed to him multiple times that we didn’t have to have sex. I struggle with closure and I tend to spiral because I don’t want to be misunderstood/misunderstand, which often happens. I get caught in this loop where I’m trying to make someone understand me or I’m trying so hard to understand them. I asked him to talk about things and he told me to respect the fact that he was at work and that he was still stressed from not getting paid. I just said okay. Which he also mentioned me responding “okay” was hurtful. He ghosted again.
He started posting vindictive, indirect shit on his snapchat story. I blocked him after that, because honestly I don’t have the mental energy for this. I’m trying to emotionally regulate again and I know it wasn’t really a relationship, but it hurt me to have someone say that they were terrified of being hurt, then hurting me multiple times and never taking accountability. I ended up being the one apologizing even though I don’t think I did anything wrong. I know the only way for me to get closure is just to give it time. It just sucks how everything was so good and went sour so fast because of a misunderstanding due to him refusing to communicate and then gaslighting me about the sexual shit.
I just wanted opinions on this. What could I have done? Did I do anything wrong? I don’t know. I just feel crazy after this entire encounter.
2 comments
You did nothing wrong, communication is key and if he’s not willing to clearly and calmly communicate his needs and what he’s feeling then he’s not worth your time
I don’t think you did anything wrong. His emotions are completely out of control and it’s really a sign that he shouldn’t be dating right now. It sounds like a very confusing and painful roller coaster… idk what you could have done differently, except when he first said he was afraid you were going to hurt him, that is a big red flag so early in the relationship.
You don’t owe someone promises that early, the whole point is to slowly get to know each other, not have all this pressure.. hope you recover and just notice these signs in the future, however you have him the benefit of the doubt encause you are kind and understanding and that was ok.