I know the title sounds a bit ridiculous lol but hear me out- I’m a girl in her late teens who usually (when not in a depressive state) cares about having good hygiene (showering daily, skincare, etc.) and I take pride when I do keep on top of my self-care. I also don’t normally shave because A- I don’t feel like it, B- I end up hurting myself half the time and C- my body, my choice. My dad however doesn’t seem to understand (C), because he believes that it is “Good hygiene” for me to shave my armpit region, even though it has no real effect on the amount of sweat my body produces (and I wear deodorant to prevent any odours). I won’t kid you, it’s been pissing me off beyond belief because any time I stretch my arms and he notices, he feels the incessant need to comment every time-without fail- and telling me how disgusting and unhygienic it is for me to have fucking hair on my armpits. Personally I try to brush him off and tell him it’s my choice and ask why he cares so damn much, but he won’t stop pushing me to shave, which is something I’ve explained to him I don’t prefer or feel comfortable doing.
I also argued it’s a double standard since he himself has hairy armpits ( body hair generally) and because he’s a man, it’s okay and acceptable but all of a sudden when a woman or girl has it… The world wreaks havoc!! >:(
Anyways idk what to do anymore cause there’s nothing I can do to get him to shut up about it, other than shaving; which is something I would never do to gratify someone else.
TL;DR dad constantly criticises me for hairy armpits, me mad at dad and wants him to shut up about it.
Edit: just want to say to everyone who took the time to comment and giving various different perspectives, thank you and sorry if I can’t reply to them just know I appreciate you!
31 comments
Your dads a perve, sorry. It’s creepy.
You already said it “it is your body your choice” the only thing you can do is ignore it. I will be honest and I come from your dads perspective. I personally wouldn’t criticize my 16 year old daughter about it but that’s just me.
I find it very off putting when a female has armpit hair. But at this point all you can do is explain to him that it affects you emotionally when he criticizes you about it. Either he will stop or he won’t hopefully he will see that it hurts you.
Yeah its weird for him to care but there’s probably not much to be done about it unfortunately
Tell him that, on average, men sweat more than women, and it is far more hygienic for a woman to not share her armpits than for a man to not shave his. And until he starts grooming himself when he needs it more than you do, you do not want to hear him complain about a problem he refuses to fix in himself.
Just start saying “I’ll shave whenever you do, Dad,” every time he brings it up.
Oh man, if he wants to be weird and fixated on your armpits, OP, you could oblige him and make it *super effing weird*. Make it so friggin weird he never brings it up again. Next time he has armpit comments, start asking him why he’s so obsessed with his teenage daughter’s armpits. Does he have some sort of weird armpit fetish? Like, wtf?
More seriously, and less likely to start a huge fight, you could also start asking pointed questions. Like, are YOU going to shave YOUR armpits? Why not? What makes you different, as a man, where it’s “hygienic” for you to have hairier armpits than mine? How does your penis protect you from poor armpit hygiene, despite there being hair there? Please explain to me how vagina ownership necessitates armpit hair removal. What is the connection there? It’s pretty uncomfortable to have to explicitly state to your daughter that you are simply misogynistic, so I’d lean into that. It might work, idk.
Dad, I love you, but their my armpits and are no less hygienic than yours. You’re echoing a common notion, I know, but you raised me to think for myself and that’s what I’m doing.
Tell him if he doesn’t shut up about it you are going to wear tank tops 24/7 just to make sure he never forgets or that you’ll shave yours when he shaves his!
He needs mind his own damn business…
That’s really disgusting. Ask him “why do you care?” Some patriarchy bullshit in your house. I’m sorry you have to go through that.
Women shaving anything is a relatively newer, modern phenomenon. That your DAD is obsessed with it is really creepy. Get your mom or aunt or grandma to tell him to shut the hell up.
“Hey, dad, it’s getting creepy that you’re noticing the hair under my arms.” Your dad noticing is weird in my eyes; give him the weird right back. “Stop looking under my arms, dad, it seems really creepy.” And so on.
There was pictures of Sophia Loren with unshaven armpits.
Shaving armpits is actually pretty new, and not world wide culturally.
Your dad is pretty young to be such a cranky boomer
In certain countries woman do not shave their armpits….so download a ton of pics of those women being proud and every time he says something show him one….and tell him she’s your idol and you are just trying to be like her
“Say I’ll start shaving when you do” but if he tries sassying really emphasize if he has hair problems. My dad was a very hairy man. Talking back hair, ear hair, nose hair, and more. Start turning it around if he has hair too and say how gross he is for not shaving. I know bullying isn’t best but it help me kick my dads bad habits
Ask him why he is concerned with your bodys details like that. It’s so so weird and NONE of his business. Gross! I’m sorry you have to experience this :/
So your dad thinks he is unhygienic too? Because if not then it is a double standard and he’s a raging hypocrite.
Hair isn’t magically unhygienic when it’s on a woman but super hygienic when it’s on a man. It just have very little to do with hygiene full stop.
>he believes that it is “Good hygiene” for me to shave my armpit region
>
>he himself has hairy armpits
That’s all you need to know.
Either he believes he has bad hygiene, and so should practice what he preaches before telling you what to do; or he’s just a sexist dude who thinks it’s hot when girls have shaved armpits and gross when they don’t, and so should shut up and maybe stop pushing his sexual preferences on his *daughter* who hopefully he shouldn’t be interested in sexually anyway.
I would start printing images of amazing and famous women rocking their armpit hair and post them around your house to give you confidence – if it also shows dad how ridiculous his comments are then that’s a benefit. A quick google will give you tons of images from Sophia Loren and Madonna to Miley Cyrus and Julia Roberts. This is not a hygiene issue, it’s an asthetic choice and dad can have an opinion but it’s not productive for him to make you feel bad about yourself because your idea of beauty does not mandate hairless pits the way his does.
I stopped regularly shaving my armpits and getting waxed due to not doing it through our hard lockdowns. The most I do now is keep it trimmed, with the occasional shave when I feel like it.
I’m 25, and my mom still passes comments about it. I just keep telling her that it’s just hair, it’s not hurting anyone, and that I feel more comfortable not obsessively worrying about my natural hair growth.
I don’t blame her for feeling the way she does, considering the massive push towards normalising hair removal with women and the ties to being hygienic/attractive/feminine. For her, it’s just something that women have to do.
I think focusing on how this is your choice and that there’s no actual reason behind shaving apart from the aesthetic look of it might be the best angle to approach this. People do all sorts of things to change their appearance, it doesn’t mean you have to do those things as well.
These comments would not only make me grow them longer but dye them hot pink! Also I went through a phases where I let my armpit hair grow long. It’s no one’s business but my own. Nothing wrong with it. Don’t ever feel shame for being human.
I understand that in Italy, shaven armpits indicated a woman was a prostitute.
Ugh, this is so annoying! I know sitting parents down and telling them off can be intimidating and not always effective. What about printing some articles about sexism in beauty standards, hygiene, and a letter with your points so he can read it? Followed up with “I want you to keep your comments to yourself from now on.”
Well you’re a woman with hairy ass armpits. Yeah I’d say something to my daughter too
Okay there’s a lot of comments here that are super anti-dad position. I’m not calling them wrong, but lemme offer a counter point.
You’re 100% right, it’s a double standard cultural thing. But your father most likely wants you to succeed in that culture and find happiness. I think he’s just being incessant because he knows it is what most women do.
Even as a guy, a caring father will always pester you about things they think you ought to do. Dads are super objective oriented in my experience. So, I’m not saying you should or should not commence with the shaving, just maybe cut your dad a little slack for trying to look out for you in his own way.
(I don’t know the relationship between you and your dad obviously, so I’m forming my comment based on what you said.)
Hi. I (33F) have a dad like this. I wasn’t always on top of shaving when I was your age because I was _swamped_ with school and work and needed to cut corners, like shaving, sometimes to get enough sleep to be functional.
My dad had a rebuttal for everything. Not enough time? Sleep less. It hurts because I have moles in my armpits that get nicked a lot? Those can be removed. If it was unhygienic he’d do it? He can’t because he’s a man and men don’t do that so he makes sure to scrub extra throughly in the shower and shaving would actually save me time because of that! My body my choice? No, I’m not an island, I’m a member of a family, and what I do reflects on him.
I couldn’t win. It was not a battle worth fighting. My parents’ obsession with my looks was a small but representative part of why I left home at 17 and now see them once a year.
I don’t say this to be pessimistic, but to provide a realistic perspective.
I work with your age group. It’s super common for girls not to shave these days, so he’s out of the loop.
I agree with other comments, saying something like “your obsession with what I do with my armpits is weird” puts his weird behavior back on him.
If you want a low conflict option you could try “I was concerned about that too, but I looked it up and there’s no actual biological difference between mens and womens armpits. The idea women need to shave there was just made up by razor companies so they could sell to women. So you don’t need to worry dad I’m just as hygienic as you, this isn’t my depression coming up or anything”
This gives him the benefit of every doubt
-he would never hold a sexist double standard, if he thinks you’re being unhygienic by doing the same thing as him it’s because he thinks there’s a biological reason for it
-if he has your unhygienic it’s because he cares about you and is concerned
These may or may not be true but will stop him getting defensive. By suggesting you had the same concern you’re placing yourself on the same side as him, reducing the sense that this is a fight.
He may or may not still double down but that would be my approach, if I was able to keep a level head at least.
Another useful thing is to just ask questions in as much good faith as possible. “Why do you think it’s unhygienic to not shave under my arms? Do you think it’s unhygienic for men as well?”
I don’t know who decided it should be routine to scrape a razor across a ball and socket joint and then rub deodorant on it. I always cut myself, and it always burns.
Anyway, I moved out on my 18th birthday, and I highly recommend it if you can pull it off. Rent was like two cents when I did it, so I know it’s not as easy for y’all, but you need to be able to relax in your house without having your body hair scrutinized. It’s the best feeling coming out of a situation like that.
First off, I want to say I agree with everything you are saying OP. This is absolutely a double standard.
Now to work on figuring out how to communicate in an effective manner. I had a father who critized me in much the same way. It took 25+ years of experience and my partner telling me to reframe what my father was saying to not take it so personally.
My hypothetical view:
* He is worried you will not be able to attract a mate in the future.
* He is embarrassed to have to explain you to the other parents.
* He is worred about your future job prospects.
He is basically trying to bully you into conforming so the world around you doesn’t come down on you first. That way he can control the hurt from his end.
So how I would address him the next time this comes up:
“I personally don’t think it’s unhygienic or disgusting. Lets say it is, so what? Why do you care how how ‘hygienic’ I’m being? I can make the choice how often I shower. Are you going to start berading me if I don’t shower as often?”
“something something defensive”
” What are you worried about? **I feel like I am being bullied** in my own home and it is making me uncomfortable.” (IMPORTANT, **DO NOT** SAY **YOU ARE** BULLYING ME)
Hopefully this can open the discussion to his true concerns and you two can have a heart to heart on this. Or it might get really creepy.
Again, I think everything you said is correct OP. I do not think your father is doing good parenting right now. You have to play with the hand you are delt though.
youre dads an idiot. honestly im surprised, bc in my location (midsize city US) its pretty normal for women to have hairy pits and I’m pretty close to your dads age. Don’t worry about it.
He’s trying to protect you from getting made fun of.
It doesn’t sound ridiculous. YOUR body hair is no one’s business but YOURS, and dads commenting on their daughters’ physical appearance is kinda weird anyway. I hope he starts leaving you alone about it.