Seeking advice; Deeply in Love but my wife is Unfulfilled

Hello everyone! This is going to be a long post.

​

I have been married for nearly 9 years now. I am a 36-year-old Male and my wife is 36 as well. We have no kids and two lovely cats.

In High School, I was basically interested in fitting in and wanting to be with someone. I did not grow up having a model relationship, but my parents are still together to this day. They gave me love, and safety, and wanted to know I would always be okay. My first relationship was in HS with this girl on the wrestling team. This is the first time I showed signs of not loving myself, saying negative comments about myself, and saying I did not deserve anyone. Also, that same girl cheated on me twice. I had another girlfriend at the end of High School, but that relationship was good for a short period when I was again emotionally abused. The pattern of thinking down with myself. In college, I dated a girl that I thought was going to be the one but later learned that her parents were misleading me about her mental illness diagnosis and it was worse than I thought. I ended up leaving that relationship because I had to be a caretaker and I couldn’t do that and she wanted me to give up all my goals and aspirations. She was jealous and I was not allowed to even have other females friends. That year I felt for once I took care of myself and loved myself and made that decision and I do not regret it. Fast forward to my marriage…

I met my love online through a website (yes before apps). We only talked for a short period of time as I was moving to another state so much of our time was talking on the phone. We also could not really “date” because of our religion. The funny thing is I wanted a long engagement (1-2 years) as I was trying to be more careful and really get to know the person. However, I felt like we talked too easily, wanted the same things in life and just was so forward. It felt like we had known each other for a while.

We got married and she eventually moved with me. She did not really care much about her parents as she does not have a good relationship with them. During our first few years, we each concentrated on our careers, goals, and aspirations. I am really career focused because my father actually took my dream away from me. I saw my wife succeeding and I wanted to make sure she accomplished those goals. Unfortunately, she did not, but I was always supportive and made sure she was happy with her decision. During this time as well, we did not get intimate as she had vaginismus. I briefly learned about it but was passive in the support by just being patient. I never suggested other things as I was scared to and I never really asked other girls in the past to pleasure me. I wanted to try different things but I did not know how to talk about it. I pleasured myself in secret as I did not want to make her feel bad. No, I did not turn to porn if that is what you are thinking.

During this time as well, we always made sure to eat dinner together, talk about our days and more or less watch tv and movies. She liked hosting people, whereas I am more introverted so it takes a lot for me to talk to people. I have gotten better over the years. We did not have deep conservation per se but I thought it was enough and I thought she was happy. Many evenings we would talk for a bit but then later on do our own thing in separate rooms and I did not think that was a bad thing. I never thought about date nights as I thought we were already spending enough time together. We would travel to different places but she would do the planning. Also, I am a terrible planner. I get overwhelmed and anxious about planning something. I also found it hard to be romantic even though I knew I was capable. She did not seem like me to be super clingy or show a lot of affection. I showed minimal or what I thought was enough. I felt satisfied to an extent but did want more. I did not want to come off as suffocating.

I was always striving to be supportive but I did lose my cool at times; not really yell but just frustrated. I made things into a competition at times as I did with my friends but it was not healthy. However, she still seemed happy with me. However, my competition made me into thinking about myself too much and concentrate on my happiness but not really ask her how she was really doing. Yes, I did ask her but she would just say Im okay. I thought that was the truth. Fast forward to last year…

Our friend moved in with us when covid first started. At first, it was fine but then things did get frustrating. No more privacy as much and plus he did get married but a few months later he and his wife separated so witnessing someone getting a divorce I was close to was really devastating. Eventually, he did move out but not on the best of terms at the time. At the same time, My wife and I started marriage counseling because she thought we needed it. I thought we were okay for the most part but not perfect. I did not say no to counseling, I was open to the idea and we went ahead with it.

In September of last year, she laid a bombshell on me. She opened up to the counselors and said she was not happy… Months passed and December became even worse. Our marriage counselor was Gottman focused so to me it was working but for her, she eventually said it was not responding. Our then-marriage counselors told us about EFT so now we have an EFT counselor. Even more, has come out now: she is unfulfilled and unhappy, I don’t make her laugh, she feels no emotional connection with me, I do not have the emotional intelligence she wants, she got married to me for the wrong reasons, and maybe this was a mistake, and the list goes on.

Now I feel some days Im on this island alone. We no longer get intimate as she is not interested. I have to pleasure myself, but this time not in private because it’s all I have and she sometimes walks in and sometimes doesn’t but doesn’t really take notice. Sadly, she was never the one to initiate and I wanted that sometimes. In the past I know I could have been more supportive, I could have opened up more but the scares from my previous relationships haunted me. I did not know how to have laughter in past relationships because I NEVER had that in my life. I never had deep conversations either. My wife tells me my conversations are very interview-type and proper. I know how to be sarcastic but not how she wants it. We laugh at the same things but I am not naturally funny. I know I made mistakes and I owned up to them; I apologized. My love language is acts of service and I do for the most part the chores around the house. However, that is not her love language, and the love bank was not really being filled up. She was diagnosed with ADHD and is on medication starting last year and she is also getting into acting. I felt like this is when she started changing and at first, I was happy for her and very supportive. She made a lot of new younger friends as she was in an acting program for a year for honors. I am not the controlling type and I trust her fully and her intentions but then she developed a crush on one of the guys in the acting group who is much younger than both of us (in his mid-20s). All those negative thoughts came back to me because I felt so bad about myself. I started saying them to her because I felt I could be more vulnerable. I’m proud of her acting career as she is doing something she could not do as she grew up in a very conservative household. In a sense, she is reborn and living a new life, and being exposed to a lot of things new. I do not have an issue with that per se, but I feel I am losing my wife over it.

My wife is everything to me. I always turned to her for advice, anytime I needed support, and she was my friend and still is. She doesn’t consider me her best friend, but I always considered her mine. I lost my job in 2021 but working was not important to her. I started my life dream of becoming a pilot and I’m almost a flight instructor. However, my financial situation is horrible as I get benefits through her health wise and I depend on her financially. I have a part-time job, I work my butt off to get to my goals and etc. We own a house together and share a car as she doesn’t drive.

She admitted to me I did not create exactly a safe space for her to be vulnerable, she felt she did not click with me as she says she cannot have an effortless conversation with me, and she does not feel a “sparK’ around me, and she no longer misses me. She also says she had gradually felt this more and more every year. There was no indication of this to me in our almost 9 years of marriage. She also says I do not understand her and her wants and needs; That I always need instruction. I feel I have to be a mind reader and understand everything and that is hard for me. It just seems the cards are stacked against me and even though she states that she is going into EFT with an open mind she constantly says I will never reach the level she wants and she doubts basically all my actions, even though she acknowledges the actions. She has had her own therapist for several years now. She states she no longer misses me when Im away and when she talks to her friends vs me it’s like I am with a different person.

I’m optimistic that if she puts more effort and believes we can create new memories together that our relationship will flourish. She has this timeline in her head even though many people say therapy takes time. I don’t know what to do sadly and I’ll try to respond to several people if I get responses.

​

TL: DR- Wife after 8 years tells me she is unfilled, not happy, and seems to want to leave. Yet states she still loves me and always will and care for me