Me: On my way to save up 500k dollars, invested in some ETFs and funds like QQQX, JEPI, O, or SCHP would give me about 40k a year in dividends, 30k after taxes, which is enough to live in my country without working, at the same time those ETFs grow more than inflation on average, which means it’d be a permanent income in real terms.
Her: She wants to see the world, travel a lot, international flies, which means I’d spend 10k a year just in that, 5k if she pays her part, which I don’t know, meaning that the plan I’ve been working on for the past 6 years wouldn’t be enough and I’d have to work hard well into my 40s. I’m 35M, she’s 27F.
So long story short I want a simple life, she doesn’t, is this a dealbreaker? It’s sad because other than that I like her personality, her values, and I’m attracted physically to her, but I don’t know if we will have problems in the future.
16 comments
it’s a dealbreaker unless you have abruptly decided to change your entire life plans.
We can’t answer the question of whether it’s worth it to you (or her) to do that, or whether you (or her) can give up your future plans without continual resentment in order to be with the person.
(I guess she could travel by herself, technically, but most people want to do this with their partner, and it sounds like in all honesty your values don’t align in some pretty key ways here)
Yes, it’s a dealbreaker. Being on the same page financially is a major agreement point for any long term relationship. Your long term goals are obviously very different which unfortunately makes the relationship unsustainable.
This is entirely up to u. As others have said, you would have to change ur whole plan, and ideally, so would she. You’d both have to compromise and also be somewhat confident u wouldn’t resent the other for having to make that compromise..
It’s fine if that’s a dealbreaker for you.
But uh, just curious, are you going to cuddle your ETFs at night when you’re old? If you have a lot of money, what do you plan to eventually spend it on?
Massive deal breaker. Find someone who has the same financial goals, who is fiscally responsible. Even though that’s extremely rare. If for whatever reason you choose to stay (the power of the 🐱), or find someone else who is not equally yoked, do not do a gov marriage. If you are religious so a religious one. If for whatever reason you want to do a gov marriage (the power of the 🐱), get an iron clad prenup. And move to state or country where there are no loop holes.
You have been warned. I get it, there are not a lot of women out there with your mindset. So it’ll be difficult to find what you want. However, there are ways to protect yourself and your wealth.
39F here. Could be an age thing. When I was in my 20s, I valued different things and spent money stupidly. But i had a good time.
Now that i’m 39, i take retirement seriously and am ready to have a simpler life. I still like to travel alot, but i go on budget, and if my plan works out, I can retire where i won’t need to travel away from.
Finances is the #1 reason people divorce next to infidelity. Its a dealbreaker.
Finances like the number one thing that breaks up relationships you guys have to be on board 100% from the start
Can’t see this going well.
You’re already dreading the impact that spending your money is going to have on your retirement plans. It’s going to be amplified if you date/marry and your finances and combined and she’s still spending on things you don’t agree with (e.g. if she wants to experience a luxury trip and goes without you).
Only way I can see this working is if she suddenly decides saving for retirement is more important than travelling and experiencing life.. but I think it’s just two different worldviews.
Life is about compromise.
You have a plan and she has a plan. If you and she have decided to define your life around those goals then yup, total deal breaker. And, there is NO shame in that. Some people like financial security, others value experiences. There isnt a right or a wrong way to live (okay, genocide is a wrong way but within reason there is no wrong way).
The challenge, which no one can answer for you or her, is “is the connection with this person worth changing your plan”
That might mean your 5 year goal might become 10, her travel list might need to be truncated or shortened some. The best person to talk to about this would be her. Her travel goals might be less set in stone than you or she thinks. If the connection is really strong, you need to weigh the importance of your “life goals” with your relationship goal (bad terms, but the general idea is there i think).
Somethings are open and shut deal breakers that there can be no workaround for. An antivaxer and a virologist probably cant make it in the long run. The two goals you two have aren’t thaaaaaat incompatible though. Some adjustment for both could be possible, if youre both open to it. If neither want to flex on your goals thats fine, and in that case probably a deal breaker
I think your two lifestyles are way more complimentary than you think, and you’re in the perfect situation to work out a compromise that could turn into something beautiful. It doesn’t have to be so black and white, like travel the whole world on a massive budget or go nowhere for stability’s sake. Having a passive income makes it so much easier to chip away at world travel a little bit at a time without destroying your life financially. There’s cheaper ways to travel too, and you don’t have to plan extravagant trips to crazy places all the time. Just meeting people and seeing other cultures can be inspiring. Life is about balance.
I’m trying to balance world travel with career stability, and simple living, and it’s rough, so I’m biased, but man you have a passive income to at least not destroy your life financially if you live a little, and to me it sounds like the perfect set up if you play your cards right and communicate well (easier said than done, i know). I’m not you though, but man what I would do for a passive income, a simple life, and a woman I love that wants to see the world… In case that perspective helps. Cheers, good luck.
1. Noone cares about your portfolios specific holdings. Is this an ad?
2. >It’s sad because other than that I like her personality, her values
No you’re don’t. You just said that…. you just like having her body around. You have wildly different values, goals, and personality which conflict yours. Aka, you don’t like those things about her….
IMO, though you are on different pages, I also think that what she wants is fairly normal where your situation is not. So I wouldn’t make it about her but more about dating in general.
How many women do you think you will find that will fit into what seems to need to be in a frugal lifestyle? Or if not, want the simplicity that will make your side work?
There is nothing wrong with seeking that, I have more than one thing that isn’t particularly usual in most women dating who would fit into what I want but they are out there. However, mine are hard or impossible to change, you may just simply decide to pick up some extra work or start a business and work it out, maybe that doesn’t work for you which is OK as well.
My point is, her wants don’t seem out of the ordinary so you might consider how you can facilitate that working, or you may have to move on.
It doesn’t sound like you are flexible enough financially (without changes) to facilitate her wants (and for some it’s a need) so I personally would not expect them to change, especially if you would not change yourself.
Or, both find a middle ground if possible, knowing it may really not be what either of you actually want, and it may take time to realize it won’t work while you actively date.
So she wants to do cool things and you don’t? Wow.
This is going to be a slightly different take.
It sounds like you are trying to be financially independent and considering an early retirement (FIRE). In other words, it seems that you may not want to depend on a 9-5 job in future. I also started on this path recently and actively dating. So here is my take:
1. Based on my observation, most people don’t think/know about FIRE. So I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker, it’s not a dealbreaker as long as the other person is fiscally responsible – no debt and living within means. It’s okay to not think about retirement since she is in her 20s.
2. I am not sure if you had a long chat about your values around money and why you got started in this. It takes a while to bring someone on board since it’s so unique. But I don’t think it merits a break-up.
3. As for the trips, you can discuss the numbers ahead of time and share what you are comfortable spending so she has a realistic idea of how much to budget for the trips. But I’ll always suggest that you do it together. I also wonder if she has a career. Because I don’t know many people who travel as often due to work commitments.
4. Lastly, I recommend that you start discussing your “rich life” (quoting Ramit Sethi) so that both of you can build a life around the same values and dreams.
In short, if you guys have good communication, then you can handle money conversations as well. All the best!! I hope everything works out for you!
Simply different lifestyles.
I knew someone like you once, very frugal, never wanted to spend any of their money, borderline cheap honestly. Ate all their meals home made, would never go out to restaurants, took public transport or walked everywhere. He grew up very poor and was adamant about saving every last penny for the future.
Well, he died at an early age (heart issues) is his mid 40’s and never got to use any of his money. Looking back, I ask was it worth it to basically not enjoy your life saving for the future. When he could have spent some of that money on his actual life, and enjoyed his journey here on Earth. Cause we all know, you can’t bring your money with you once you pass on.
Money seems like the least important issue here. Unless she is cool traveling solo or you’re cool to go along with her (which it doesn’t sound like…) that seems like enough of a reason to end things.