I’m a black singles guy and I have no desire to really settle down in NYC anytime soon. I was born and raised here and I never clicked with the city. I don’t have much of a community and I’m also not close to my family at all.
My family isn’t really the biggest fan of my idea of leaving NYC but with the expense and the fact my job isn’t the highest grossing, I don’t see much reason to settle down here. With my job going fully remote I don’t feel like there’s much reason for me to go out anymore. Plus alot of people in my age range are starting to settle down with their SO’s. My family says I should live in a diverse environment and I do feel like that’s important, but I legitimately don’t care about my neighbors and I hardly socialize with anybody when I do step out.
I’m not interested in applying for the housing lottery because at the end of the day, I don’t feel like NYC has much to offer me as a person because at heart I’m a homebody. Currently I have a Bachelor’s and I have a huge savings, but I’ve just been holding off on what my next major plan is in life.
44 comments
You could date casually but seems like finding a new place to call home is a higher priority.
Not wrong but you can miss out. Where you live doesn’t define you.
I’ve put off dating for over a year and began taking steps to move. I’m moving at the end of the month! I figured there was no point in focusing on dating or someone else when i was working on myself and my own life plans. It’s also ok to put off dating if you just don’t feel like it 🙂
You decide your priorities. If living in NYC isn’t your priority, then get the fuck out. Family can be lovely, but when it comes to massive life decisions, they usually are pretty selfish. They want you to be closer because of them, not because of you. It feels like you know what you want and nothing you’ve mentioned seems unreasonable. In fact, your thinking seems VERY reasonable. Just do what makes you happy, for fuck’s sake!
No. Because chances are good if you date in NYC, you might find someone from there, and if this is not what you want, don’t.
EDIT: I MAY BE WRONG I AM AN INTERNET PERSON
I say this in good faith: It does not sound as though your problem is the city you live in, although it’s culture might be somewhat detrimental to what it actually might be, and going by the type of intense disinterest and self-isolation described what it likely is at best is a heavy emotional/mental funk but much more likely a form of developing and increasing depression.
Why would it be wrong?
Dating is a thing you do because you want to, not a thing you have to do against your will. If you don’t want to date, don’t date. The reasons don’t matter.
Living with intent is attractive. I think dating when you abjectly don’t want to stick around is disingenuous.
>Is it wrong to hold off on dating because you dislike where you live immensely?
Not at all.
Some of the other commenters have mentioned this, but just be careful to not close yourself off for too long and maybe be open to something if it happens. 31M here, but in my early 20’s I decided to not try and date for a variety of reasons. Mostly it was because I wanted to put my career first and advance fast. Now I have the career and everything else, but I’m in a more limited dating pool and on subreddits like this… There’s nothing wrong with that, but looking back I wish I would have taken more opportunities.
This was me in the final year I lived in Toronto. I had zero desire to remain in that city and wanted out at the first opportunity, and I didn’t bother trying to date once I knew I planned to leave. Not like Toronto dating ever went well for me, the only person I dated there for any length of time was a cheater, everyone else just wasn’t a good fit or ghosted me after the first date.
It sounds like you are more than ready to go exploring. And it sounds like it would do your soul good.
Of course your family wants you to stay (and that’s lovely). But it doesn’t meet your needs. Staying to be miserable to make them content seems like a rotten compromise.
Leaving the nest to spread your wings and fly always has a little sting to it, even if it’s what we need and want for ourselves. Your family will cope. Hopefully in time they will see that you are happier and more fulfilled.
Of course it’s not “wrong”. If you actually want a relationship, then it’s simply a matter of your own patience in staying single until you decide to move to a location that better suits you.
It sounds like you aren’t happy where you live, and want to move. That is totally ok! if you just aren’t clicking with NYC, it’s actually wise to try moving somewhere else. Do you have anywhere in mind you want to move to? Do you want to be in the city or suburbs or country? some people like a small town, some people like a big city, some people are somewhere in the middle.
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I think it’s a good idea for you to think about places you might want to live in, and if you can afford it to visit these places to get a feel for them.
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you can google “good cities with diversity” or anything too, to try to find places that meet your needs.
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Dating doesn’t seem like its on the plate for you. it’s definitely okay to put off dating for whatever reason. I personally am on the fence right now, I don’t know if I want to be dating.
I always feel like dating is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. Not to mention I hate going on dates with people who immediately start shitting on the City we’re both in, saying they want to move away, etc.
If you don’t relate to many people in your current community than moving and waiting to date is probably a wiser choice even after your 30s. First finding a community that you can be involved in will also improve your prospects because you already know you think alike with those people. Research where you would like to move and start planning. It also wont hurt because housing tends to be cheaper outside of major metro areas, just remember that the further from a metro area the less likely you will have quality internet access.
That’s where I’m at right now. I’m focusing on paying off debt and saving money so I can move in the next year or two
You don’t need a reason not to date.
Sometimes you probably should pause and wait until you’re comfortable with your life, and sometimes meeting someone from another place is going to get you motivated to make the changes that will make you happier.
Sometimes you meet someone in a big city and both of you end up deciding together you want to move to a smaller place that more suitable for you, i met my ex in a massive metropolitan and we moved to a tiny town together after a few years.
I’m now living in a small town in the UK and my dating options were very very limited, plus I don’t drive – which is pretty crucial if you want to do anything in my area. I knew I was planning to move to a small city somewhere, but wasn’t sure where to. I’ve been travelling loads lately to figure out which place I actually like enough to see myself living in.
I matched with someone on tinder few months back who lives about an hour away from me, but was planning on moving back to a city I really like, that he spends a lot of time in, which is a further 30th min from where he lives. This city was part of my tour, and we met for coffee there when I visited. We really liked each other and have now been seeing each other for a few months. Both of us have plans to move, but even with the current distance and me not driving we make it work and it’s been really good. Both of us now have plans to move to the same city, so we’ll be able to see each other more often and do more things together, which is just exciting, as well as having our own separate lives and hobbies.
That’s just my personal experience.
> Is it ok to hold off on dating?
Yes
Is it “wrong”? Absolutely not.
Is it the right thing to do for you? Only you can make that decision.
That said, you’ve told us where you *don’t* want to live (namely, NYC), but you haven’t said much about where you *do* want to live. It’s probably not a good idea to think of it strictly as “I dislike NY and want to GTFO.” You should also think of it in terms of where you want to move *to*. If you haven’t started doing so already, you should start considering where you want to relocate to.
*Is it wrong to hold off on dating because you dislike where you live immensely?*
If you are afraid of getting “stuck,” then yes. You could meet someone special and then wind up looking back in 10 years and asking yourself if you were silly for not leaving when you had the chance. There is someone special in other places. At the end of the day, I find most people are pretty similar, with just a few environmental factors that change things slightly. So on one hand, do date if you and they know it will be short term.]
As to moving, I see so many people get stuck in crummy situations because they chose family first. Meaning they never really “flourish” and find themselves because they are so beholden to what their family thinks is best, so their beliefs, actions, and personality become stifled and they don’t ever really “grow up.”
It sounds like you know what to do. Leave, and commit to that for at least a few years. If you really want to go back, you can, but I wouldn’t do it until you feel like you truly and completely haven’t found what you are looking for.
Some of the most diverse cities that get you away from NYC include:
– Houston – Los Angeles – Chicago
Yes! Go! Go somewhere with space and friendly people. If you have the ability as far as financial and lifestyle then try it out 🙂 no point in trying to find some one in an area you don’t plan on staying
I put off dating (around a year) until I moved to the city where I want to settle. It’s hard to meet someone in a place where you don’t want to be. They may have their whole life in that place. I met my boyfriend 4 months after moving to the place where I want to settle. We both grew up in this area and most of our immediate family is within an hour drive. Waiting till I was in the right location Worked out incredibly well for me.
I put off dating for three years when I was getting my second degree and knew I was moving when finished. I see nothing wrong with this.
Dating consumes a lot of time and mental energy, at least for me it does. I would hold off on dating and focus on taking care of the things you want to first. Unless by chance you meet someone that wants to move to the same place you do. That’s not very unlikely also, as many people are moving out of NYC.
Just remember, if you’re moving to an area less populated than NYC, the dating pool will be smaller. However, I feel like you’re more likely to find a more meaningful relationship that will last for the same reason.
Man, it’s not “wrong” to hold off dating for any reason. You aren’t obligated to date unless it’s what you want to do.
You can hold off dating for whatever damn reasons you want.
However, there’s a few considerations:
1) You have zero guarantees that wherever you land later is going to be miraculously better. It might work out but I’ve known countless friends to move cities to escape/fix a problem and it probably works out a lot less than you’d expect. It’s common that whatever feelings/situation they were trying to escape they land in on the other end.
2) It might just be my perception but Americans seem to move for work somewhat commonly. So it’s still entirely possible to fall in love with someone who wants to live in a city you’re not entirely thrilled with – what then?
Yes, yes, yes, I think it is totally fine. I’ve put off seriously dating where I’m at (freaking Buffalo NY) because I can’t see myself staying here any longer than necessary and I really don’t want to get trapped here by someone who is amazing but is rooted by family ties, etc. But please make plans and gtfo to enjoy your life!!!! I’ve seen too many people hold off on dating and then never leave and they fall into a spiral of misery because they’re caught.
NYC is by far the worst US city I’ve ever visited, just awful, I don’t blame you for not wanting to live there. There’s not much point trying to start a relationship if you’re just going to move away, might as well wait until you’re in a better city where you plan to settle permanently.
It’s interesting because I’ve been contemplating a move to nyc for dating. I’m in a smaller city a few states over and find there’s less to do and this k of nyc as a place where there are many people who are open to going out, connecting, dating, etc into the late 30’s, early 40’s. Am I off?
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it’s all worth it move for a thought of what life is like elsewhere. Abs if you want to move, why not go and give yourself a chance to see what life is like elsewhere? How else will you verify what your life is like in the place that you’re living now?
>I have a Bachelor’s and I have a huge savings, but I’ve just been holding off on what my next major plan is in life.
Whatever you do with dating, stop holding off and start living. Visit places. Move — rent at first until you are sure you want to put down roots.
It’s good to know you’re a homebody and don’t like NYC! That’s good information to have and guides your next steps and life plans.
But I think dating now in NYC is smart for a few reasons:
* Your dating pool in NYC is going to be a lot better than it will in a smaller place. I hear that New York has an overabundance of single educated women. I’ve swiped in different cities and your chances are wildly different depending on the place. San Francisco, Las Vegas and Salt Lake had wildly different dating pools.
* Sounds like you’re an inexperienced dater. You just need to get out there and get comfortable with the process — swiping, texting, going on dates, rejecting and being rejected, learning what you like and what you’re looking for. It’s rough but you get used to it, and get better at rolling with the punches. Starting now is smart so you can give yourself time to grow in the way you need to.
* There are lots of people in NYC who also dream of moving to a slower-paced, less expensive place. Be clear that that’s your goal and be open with the people that you date. Maybe you’ll meet someone who shares the same goals, and then you can build your small-town life together.
* Don’t postpone living your life until you’re in an ideal situation. That will never happen. Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, after all. Be bold and go after what you want. Don’t be afraid to grow.
You don’t have to date in NYC. But I’d advise either starting dating or just moving within the next couple of months. Don’t just stand there; do something! Build the life you want.
Go out and live your life! Where would you like to move? There are plenty of diverse places in the US.
Yes. I moved back to Alabama for a while and I don’t want to date here. Planning on moving again
It’s fine if you don’t feel you have the energy to date while you focus on making other life decisions. But also remember that plenty of people leave cities for more space and quiet all the time. You could also meet someone interested in getting out of the city if you do date.
I mean if you decide to date, and if you click with someone, just casually bring up that you have been considering moving out of the city and see how they react. After a few dates, and not long after. They may say they can’t see themselves leaving the city, or they may say that have been thinking about getting out.
It’s definitely not wrong. I feel the same way, except I’m from Jersey. I’m planning to move out west in about a year and a half and I’m not planning on dating because I don’t want to stay here.
There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s a lot of people in NYC, and most people who I know who moved there have never had the intention of settling there. Maybe you would find someone else who also wants to move especially if you’re upfront about wanting to leave. There’s nothing inherently wrong with waiting or dating now.
IMO it would be good to practice dating a little everywhere you live. The experience of dating in NYC is unique and will give contrast to future dating.
But you only have so much time in this life put your energy into what you care about.
I think it’s wrong for you to hold off on moving to / trying out a new location based on what you wrote here. The older you get, the harder it is to move. It would suck if you were in the same exact mindset and place 5 years from now (“I’m still on a break from dating and I still can’t settle in New York City but I still haven’t done anything about it”).
Take the time to move away now. You can always move back or try a 3rd, 4th city. Often, moving away from home gives us perspective and helps clarify exactly what made us unhappy / happy. You might have a restored gratitude for aspects of NYC and visit often once you’ve had space, but not in your current headspace.
I think what OP is saying is he *wants* to date but also feels like it’s kinda pointless if he’s also really wanting to move.
What I would say is just date people & tell them ur not planning on staying in NYC and your passion is to move elsewhere. They might have similar plans or find that appealing. If they don’t then just mark them down as not aligned with ur life goals and keep looking.
Just say it upfront before you even see the person, or when you first meet them.
Literally doing the same
I would be out the city by the end of the first week if my job went WFH. life is short, go live where you want to and find your people.
Family is forever, they will forgive you for leaving to find yourself.
>I legitimately don’t care about my neighbors and I hardly socialize with anybody when I do step out
I’m an immigrant and live in a rural county, 95% white, big trucks, guns, thin blue line flags everywhere. Believe me, environment matters a lot even if you don’t initiate social interactions. People here generally dislike even their fellow Americans from neighboring California, and I prefer not to open my mouth. Accents are noticed immediately.