Do I follow my heart or listen to my head.
I want to start this post by saying, I know the advice I’d apply for someone in the same situation I’m now in. But as always advice is easier to serve, and always harder to take.. please be gentle with me. I’ve (27F) been with my (38M) partner for a year and a half almost now.. when I say my soul has known his in a past life and loved him then too, it really has. Even though he has never expressed this same feeling. I know with every bone in my body this man has, was, is my twin flame.
We’ve been through a lot of trials and tribulations during our time together, and I don’t want to put all the blame on him, but I’ve always put up more of a fight (I’ve felt)
On Wednesday just past, I wrongly went through his phone. I know how wrong this was, and I want to clarify I had a serious gut instinct that something was wrong. And I was right.
He’d been sexting a woman who with no offence to her, is nothing like me.. at all.. I’m sure you get the picture I’m trying to paint for you guys.
He was trying to arrange a rendezvous, last month was the last message sent and it was detailed and graphic, to the point I can picture it all unfolding in my minds eye.
He’s sorry, and has expressed with words only how sorry he is and that he wants to fix it somehow but doesn’t know how..
I know I’m going to be advised to leave, because that’s the advice I would give to someone in the same situation, but I am so in love with this man, I’m almost angry at myself that I want to forget about it all and try to work it out with him.
I want him to fight for me so badly, for us. But other than words there’s not much more he’s done or will do. I know he’s not the type to be at my doorstep with flowers and determination to win me back in his eyes. He’s the type of guy to give me space and work it out on my own. He always has been..
I don’t quite know what I’m waiting for, all I know is I’m very lost and hurt I’ve been put into a situation I never wanted to be in, especially when in my ignorance to his infidelity, I was happy. I was at peace with him.
I still want him to be happy, and wish him no harm.
I just don’t know if I try to find the courage to give him a chance to prove himself to me, or walk away now and try my hardest not to look back.
Do I wait to see if he puts himself out there and tries and if he does then evaluate whether I can look at him the same, or do I walk away now?
How do I navigate through the foreseeable future?
Tl;dr I 27f caught my boyfriend 38m cheating.. he swears he hasn’t touched her since our break last year, but admits to sexting her last month for a “ego” boost. I’m hurt and confused and just want to forget about it all, he’s not the type to be at my door fighting for me and our relationship even though that’s what I would need right now.. I’m in the middle of a battle between my heart and head and am confused on whether I forgive or I walk away.
45 comments
You’ve been with this guy for a year and a half and in your words, there has been lots of trials and tribulations, in 18 months 😳😳 sorry OP, but that’s still supposed to be the honeymoon phase for couples. The fact you’re dealing with him cheating after 18 months is a massive red flag. He’ll do this again, mark my words. If he’s already sexting (possibly more) after 18 months, then he’s not the one for you. Please have some self respect and don’t forgive him for this.
Move on. Twin flame or not he’s not going to give you anything but heart ache if you keep seeing him. He’s almost 40 and is untrustworthy. That won’t change in this life time if he doesn’t hurt. So see leaving him as a painful but necessary gift so that he realizes he needs to change (which may or may not happen).
Always listen to your head and not your heart.
The whole “soul mate” thing has kept people trapped in terrible, destructive relationships. It’s just pheromones.
You have perfectly described a man who knows his girlfriend loves him but he doesn’t feel the same. And he never will. You can’t seriously be trying to save this relationship, he’s not someone who can be trusted. He’s sorry that he got caught, nothing else.
Time to end it and go find better.
What do his actions (and consequently lack thereof) say to you about the way he sees your partnership? Do you feel like you’re his “twin flame”? I think it stands to reason that if he felt the same way about you this would never have happened.
If you’ve been together for a year and he is already cheating, you know your answer.
He is not your twin flame, sadly. The life you thought you had, living your soul mate, was not real. That can be a very hard pull to swallow. He was out getting other women while you were thinking about the twin flame scenario. You deserve better.
Good luck.
Please leave. Dont reward cheats.
You’ve only been together a year and a half and already went on a break and you say it started 3 month in? So you just met the guy and already needed a break where he went straight to, not just fucking other people but getting an app specifically for that purpose and then doing it. And then you got back together and he was cheating on you from then on.
And the things in his favour are; you believe in past lives and you think you were a person who knew a person that he was. Wtf is that? That’s nothing. Why would you want him at your door trying to win you back? If you’re lucky then he went 3 months being faithful to you, that’s if you’re lucky. Don’t let some magical story blind you to that.
Your “twin flame” would never drag you through so much shit in the first two years of your relationship. If he’s never told you he feels that way about you, it’s probably because he doesn’t.
Raise your standards for yourself, girl.
This happened to me and I stayed. Now he’s cheated for the last time and I’m getting an expensive and heartbreaking divorce. If you stay, prepare for the pain of constantly second-guessing his every move. It’s not worth it to stay.
He’s nearly 40 and still can’t settle 🚩🚩🚩
in the grand scheme of life, its only been a year and a half, that really isnt that long. you dont need to stay because you feel like you invested too much time or you think you won’t ever find someone that you love as much as him. you will find another epic love, i’m sure of it. he cheated on you. he destroyed your relationship on purpose. once a cheater, always a cheater. he will do this again because he knows you will just forgive and forget. don’t let him get away with it.
It would be wise of you to take a long, hard look at why your “heart” is so fixated on an ambivalent, emotionally unavailable, unfaithful man. Because obviously something about that is making you tic (twin flame, ffs), so even if/when you find the strength to leave this guy (or he gets bored and leaves you), you’re still vulnerable to another relationship with the same toxic dynamic that’s hurting you now.
If therapy is an option for you, please go. If it’s not, read about emotional attachment theory, and try to unpack whatever it is that’s making emotional neglect and abuse taste like catnip to you.
My god you are delusional
You like him more than he likes you. That power dynamic guarantees he’ll cheat again.
Let’s review the facts:
– he chose to date a woman 11 years younger than himself. presumably because you have a lot in common in terms of where you are in life, wealth, career, emotional maturity etc. he’s likely behind the curve in at least some of these areas considering how much older he is…
– he cheats on you one (1) year into the relationship, when most couples are still in the happy honeymoon stage. this is for an ego boost? so if a 38 year old man still needs an ego boost from strangers, what’s the chances of him actually maturing enough to not need validation from cheating? he already middle aged….
– he doesn’t seem to even be trying to convince you to stay or give him another chance. so he has no remorse or doesn’t value you enough to try and make things right.
We accept the love we think we deserve. Is this what you deserve? Never could be for me, but only you can decide what you want and what you’ll accept in life.
That was painful to read. You’ve clearly put him on some sort of pedestal he doesn’t deserve.
He’s an adult male who is using you. You wax poetic about him while he simply doesn’t care. He disagrees you’re soulmates, he won’t fight for you, he cheats on you, he needs “ego boosts”…
I know you asked for everyone to be “gentle” with you, but what you need is a swift kick in the pants to wake up. Your entire relationship with him is a fairy tale in your head. Snap out of it.
Do you like yourself? If you would advise a friend to leave, why wouldn’t you listen to that advice yourself?
>partner for a year and a half almost now.
OK
>when I say my soul has known his in a past life and loved him then too, it really has.
Oh, you’ve got it BAD bad, I see.
>Even though he has never expressed this same feeling.
I am shocked I tell you. SHOCKED.
>We’ve been through a lot of trials and tribulations during our time together,
In a year and a half. During this time, you broke up for a month after one of these trials because he “couldn’t be open with you”. But he ran straight to Tinder. Didn’t know they made a therapy match mode. I’ll have to check that out.
>but I’ve always put up more of a fight (I’ve felt)
If this is referring about fighting to keep the relationship (it reads a lil weird) again. If that’s the case. I am shocked. My flabber has been gasted. I cannot believe you would be putting more effort into a relationship with a man who runs to Tinder in times of trouble. Surely you jest. If ya’ll are just fighting in general, this response remains pretty much the same.
>He’d been sexting a woman
>who with no offence to her, is nothing like me
>He was trying to arrange a rendezvous
Have you heard of the term bangmaid? It sounds more and more like you’re the one that keeps the house, helps with finances, that he sleeps with until he can line up something better.
>I want him to fight for me so badly, for us. But other than words there’s not much more he’s done or will do. I know he’s not the type to be at my doorstep with flowers and determination to win me back in his eyes. He’s the type of guy to give me space and work it out on my own. He always has been
If he wanted to, he would. If he truly cared about losing you, HE WOULD. He’s “giving you space” because he’s counting on you to come crawling back. Eww. Do better.
>I just don’t know if I try to find the courage to give him a chance to prove himself to me
Again… IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD. If he actually gave a flying rat’s ass about possibly losing you that motherfucker would be running damage control RIGHT NOW! The fact that he’s not should be a flashing neon sign about his investment in this relationship.
As someone who recently had to break up with someone who I was still in love with, I understand how you’re feeling. That said, my ex did nothing comparable to what yours did…so IMO, you have a lot more to work with here
Love is a chemical reaction. That doesn’t make it less meaningful, but it does mean you can’t listen to your heart in these situations. You want to forget about his discretion and just move forward because our brains hate the idea of change. Breaking up means losing all of the patterns your brain is now comfortable in (comfortable does not mean happy or good in this situation) and rebuilding new ones. But I can tell you just over a month out from my breakup, you WILL be comfortable AND happier once you are out of the situation.
My advice is to write down the worst things he has done and how they make you feel. Whenever you are faltering on whether or not to break up with him, or feel the urge to contact him/respond to his contact attempts, pull out that list and let those emotions flow through you again. This is not to just make yourself feel bad, it’s to make your brain recognize the way it SHOULD feel about him. Hopefully it won’t take long for the association to sink in, and then you can focus on moving forward/healing
You deserve better than this treatment and you will recognize that once you get a little distance from this dude
Sounds like my ex. He had cheated on me several times and had online relationships with many women when I found out. Once a cheater, always a cheater. That’s what I’ve learned in my 42 years. He does not respect you and he will continue to do whatever he can get by with, as long as you’re with him. He knows that. He is taking advantage of you and telling you what you want to hear.
You’ve gotten some really good advice here. I’m going to be totally blunt and hope you don’t think I’m speaking down to you, but it’s clear that you’re incredibly deep into this relationship and he isn’t. He doesn’t have to be, because your brain is doing all his work for him, building up your relationship as some divine, infinite entity; filling in all the blanks for him and creating this fantasy where he’s got more going on under the surface than you’re seeing. You’re writing the story and he just has to be there. He sees that and he’s putting in exactly what he needs to keep fueling your story.
I too once believed that someone who only ever hurt me was my soul mate. He was so awful to me, so mean and dismissive and just cold whenever I tried to get real about “us” or our “relationship.” But because I told myself he was the only person in the universe for me, I took it.
That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself, when you think about it. “He’s my soul mate, so I can’t just *leave him*, we’re soul mates!” So instead of leaving someone clearly bad for you, you convince yourself that soulmates have to “fight” for each other, have to go through hell and come out the other side as a single entity forged in fire. But that’s not how it works. Twin flames just burn each other.
You’re just whooped on a guy who is completely ambivalent about being with you. That soulmate and twin flame talk is baloney. There’s no cosmic connection between you two; you’re just really hung up on him.
Reading this was like reading my own thoughts when I was a few years younger than you with a cheating boyfriend, right down to the whole “soulmate” talk. As your ghost of Christmas future, let me tell you what happens if you stay.
He will cheat again. And again. And again. He will never give you any respect or love like you need. He will just straight up deny he did anything even when you shove proof in his face or when he admits to it he’ll be sorry but then somehow it was your fault. He will make you feel worthless. You will push your real friends away because they will tell you to leave and you can do better and instead listen to people who will say to stick it out because “you’re so good for him.”
Every time you break up, he decides shortly after that he misses you and he was wrong and it won’t happen again. He will say all the right things and do *just* enough to make it seem like he cares so that you’ll give him another chance. Then he cheats and you repeat this pattern for years until one day you realize you might actually kill yourself because you loathe everything about yourself and your life so badly.
You actually break up with him for real this time. He will call and text and email but you don’t respond. He will do a thing for you that you have asked for him to do since you first started dating. But you still don’t go back because you know how it’s going to play out. You’ve done it so many things before after all.
You will spend years hating yourself for staying so long and accepting so little from someone you thought was your soulmate. Then you come to realize that believing in soulmates is what kept you in that horrible relationship for so long. That if he really was your soulmate, he would have never done any of it. That he would have actually loved you. You will realize you gave up dreams and goals to try and make things work. You lost time with your real friends, the people who truly care for you. And you will hate yourself for that, too.
Save yourself from a decade of heartache, self-loathing, and depression. Dump the creep and get therapy. Things got a lot better for me once I did those things.
I think you need to reassess what “twin flames” actually means because I don’t think you have that. I think you desperately want that to be the case.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Don’t mistake a dumpster fire for a twin flame.
He only told you he was sorry because he got caught.
While he was sexting her and violating your trust and boundaries, he wasn’t feeling conflicted or bad. All the dirty things he was saying to her he felt great about and wanted to do. He’s sorry he got caught, not that he did this to you. In the moment after you confronted him he probably genuinely felt bad that you were upset, but not being a sociopath doesn’t get you points in a relationship.
He’s 38. And cheating. He is not trying to ever settle down or have something real with someone. You should be able to do better, but you absolutely won’t if you stay with him.
Only you can answer your question. But the decision is not as stark as you think.
You can take the time to see what actions he takes while at the same time guarding your heart. You do not need to go “all in” on reconciliation right away. You can consider it. You can give yourself a time limit by which time you’ll evaluate two things: whether his actions over that time show commitment to change and transparency, and whether you think you might be able to accept what he did.
No matter what you decide, making that decision in the heat of the moment after dday isn’t always healthy. If you are someone who likes to think things through, who likes to “make sure,” you may want to give this course a shot.
He’s a cheater.
If you were together in a past life, then he was probably a cheater then, too.
You’re conflicted because he has presented himself in a way too appear fantastic to you. That presentation is a lie.
If you want to acknowledge the cheating and the lying and continue on despite that, that’s your call. But he’s broken trust in a way that can never truly be undone.
I’m gonna be the jerk and call red flag 🚩 on you.
That whole past life, twin flame was so cringe the first thing that popped into my head was “this guy is gonna need a restraining order”.
You sound overly obsessed, and should look into therapy for yourself, make sure your not judging your own self value on being with someone else.
Good luck!
He cannot be your true twin flame. He is the imposter flame. A true twin flame would not have hurt you this way. A twin flame would want you beside him during both rough patches and successes.
An imposter wants you to fuel their flame while doing as little as possible to make your flame brighter.
Go find your true flame.
If he was your twin flame wouldn’t he feel it too? I don’t think he would be cheating either. It seems like you’re completely infatuated and he was simply dating you.
You need some therapy to express why you feel so deeply attached to a much older man who obviously doesn’t feel the same. I’m saying this as a person who made unhealthy romantic attachments previously. I feel for you, but why waste your time on a man who’s showing you who he is? You’re so young and there are so many amazing human beings who will actually treat you with the same enthusiastic love you show, and not cheat on you. Your actual twin flame. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but step back and think without your feelings clouding things if you can.
Leave now, catch up with him in the next life.
If all of that twin flame soul mate stuff was true, he’d feel the same way. He’s just a guy you’re in love with that betrayed you. If you stay with him he’ll just do it again. (Yes. He will.)
you’re dick-notized. good dick is everywhere. this man is trash and you’re young, don’t waste your time and energy. find someone who can fuck you into next week and still treat you right.
First off drop the soulmate and twin flame nonsense. I was once like you and all it leads to is wasting years of your life. It’s crazy that women in the most abusive relationships truly have brainwashed themselves to believe that their relationship is special hence that should put up with anything however toxic. This is a man 11 years older to you . The thing you find familiar is most likely a pattern you are repeating from childhood. He seems emotionally unavailable and cheats. It’s just been a year and a half , get out! Trust me even your heart wants you to leave it’s the anxiety that makes you stay. Also see a therapist to deal with possible codependency and trauma bonding or just you know to learn to love yourself enough to know when to leave.
Oh wow… over a decade older partner and he is cheating?! Impossible!
Now you now why he is still single at 38, he is a bad partner.
You call him your twin flame, yet this whole post is complaining about how he doesn’t match your energy, put in any effort, or seem to understand you at all or care about keeping you in his life.
Does that meet your definition of “twin flame”? If you’re lying to yourself about that, what else are you ignoring? Take off the rose colored glasses and see the red flags love.
And think what an ego boost it will be to see you still worshipping him after this…as I wrote elsewhere, I strongly suggest therapy. Also, if you don’t leave him use protection as it’s guaranteed he will cheat again I’m afraid.
He’s only sorry he got caught. He clearly knows he has you wrapped around his finger, and therefore only had to do the bare minimum to keep you around. Your feelings seem so overwhelming that they make up for his lack of enthusiasm in the relationship. You talk about soul mates, past lives, intertwining heart flames… then go on to say
>Even though he has never expressed this same feeling.
Ouch. It’s one thing for two people to be in that same space and lovey dovey all over each other. In this case, you are doing all the loving and he’s… looking for someone else.
You deserve better OP. Dealing with heartbreak is better than accepting disrespect. Follow your head and leave. Otherwise you’re telling him it’s ok to keep disrespecting you, and he will.
I understand your feelings toward this guy. I was with a man that I swore I knew and loved in a past life (same age gap too!). My connection to him was so uniquely deep. But I realized that 1. He didn’t share those same feelings and 2. He was actually unhealthy, bordering toxic. He wasn’t able to give me what I wanted or needed emotionally. He cheated and lied to me so many times. But I stayed because I was so attached to him and my love for him was too strong for me to consider leaving. Eventually, I had enough pain and I ended things for the final time. It was really hard to say goodbye to him, but my reasoning was that I can only love him from a distance or he’s going to destroy me. I had to go no contact or I knew I would reach out to him again. I’ll be honest, I still think about him and wonder how he is. I resisted the urge to just send an email and check on him for about 5 years. I still think of him but I know my life is so much healthier without him and I won’t do anything to jeopardize that. When I hear the song Better Man by Little Big Town I think of him.
Your feelings are real but they are not justifications for staying with this man and you need to consider how you may be blinded by them. You need to also consider how any past traumas you may have will shape what you look for and tolerate in a partner. I know you want to stay with this man and for him to give you the security and trust that you need. He won’t do it. He can’t do it. You have to provide that for yourself. You may not leave right now, I know. You’ll stick it out for a while. But come back and read these responses regularly and seek out a therapist who can help you unpack why you’re so hellbent on staying with a man who lies and cheats and doesn’t emotionally support you. That’s where you’ll find the WHY (why you are with this guy) so you can begin to see the HOW (as in, how to leave, since it’s unfathomable right now). I know you can’t up and leave right now. Baby steps. The first one is finding a therapist that you like, and begin doing the work. Your future self will thank you.
Your relationship sounds like trauma bonding instead of love. Twin flame, trials and tribulations. Work with a therapist on why you apparently feel at home with this ups and downs, why you need to ‘put on a fight’ – or if you even justifiably ‘put on a fight’. This doesn’t sound like a healthy sense of self nor ammount of self love you have.
honey.
i honestly think twin flame energy is often toxic. also i have no idea what picture your trying to paint by saying this woman is “nothing like you”.
if someone loves you and values you- they will show it. idk what advice your looking for. your desperately wanting this man to want you the way you want him. he does not.
if someone cheats- it’s on them to fix it. (but it’s often not reparable).
tbh if your almost 40 and still unable to be honest to your partner, you probably shouldn’t be with a partner
He’s taking you for a ride because he knows you’re more into him than he is in you