My bf and I have been together for a very long time. We dated from the time were 16 to 22. We then broke up for a while but got back together when we were 25. We are both 29 now.
We live together and I know he’s going to ask me to marry him soon so I want to get my feelings in order before anything happens. I love him, I really do but I feel sorta unloved. I know once couples become comfortable with each other and live together, the “spark” or whatever dies but I don’t like feeling like this.
I still make an effort, I ask him how his day went, I’m affectionate, I “put out” so to speak.
A thing that really bothers me is when I say something, a lot of the time, he ignores me. When I bring it up, he says that he didn’t hear me or that he was busy. For example, I’ll say “Did you see there’s going to be a strike tomorrow?” and I won’t get a reply. I’ll wait 10 seconds…still no reply. Then I’ll ask “hello? Did you hear what I said?” and he’ll go ”hmm” or grunt in response. He does this often, just abrupt responses after ignoring me and me having to repeat myself.
I’d understand if he did this if I was talking his ear off but I’m not even a talkative person. Yet when he talks about anything, I pay attention, respond properly, validate his opinions and reassure him when he needs me to.
Affection wise, I always give him hugs and kisses. He hardly ever does this anymore without me asking. I compliment him and tell him that he looks handsome. He hasn’t complimented me in any shape or form in probably over a year now that I think about it…
I still look the same looks wise, I haven’t gained weight or anything (not that that’s a reason to stop loving someone but you know how some people are) so I don’t know what changed. Have things just become stale? Is this what inevitably happens?
This whole situation has been troubling me for a while but I’m not sure what to do. Our anniversary is in two months time and his sister accidentally let it slipped that he’s going to propose. If it weren’t for that, I’d think that we’ve been together for too long and he’s now sick of me.
I tried talking to a few of my friends who are already married and all I got were varied versions of “that’s how men are”.
He wasn’t like this before. He would pay attention to me, talk to me and overall I just felt more “liked” y’know? Now it just kind of feels one sided…
The one time I attempted to kind of bring it up, I opened with “Do you still like me? Because sometimes it doesn’t really feel like it” and he replied with “If I didn’t like you, why would I be here?”. I could tell it was going to end up in an argument so I just let it go after that.
How do I handle this situation? I want to bring it up with him but I don’t know how to do it. I guess I’m not really good at articulating how I feel.
Or should I not say anything because this is just the way relationships go?
Please advise me because I’m a little lost.
Tl;Dr : My bf and I have dated for over ten years all together. He is going to propose soon but I’m not completely happy as I feel unloved. He’s somewhat abrupt and not affectionate anymore and it’s making me question whether things aren’t ideal or whether it’s a normal aging relationship.
36 comments
You need to bring it up directly. You need to say, “I am having some big problems in the relationship, and I need us to see if we can fix them.” Don’t ask about how he feels about you, discuss his actions. The spark isn’t supposed to die. The spark is supposed to need active work and maintenance to continue. He has failed at this. But you have failed too, by not bringing up problems when you notice them and discussing them until you two can find a solution that works for both of you or you agree to break up. So start putting the actual work into the relationship that a long term relationship needs, and see whether or not he is willing to do likewise.
That isn’t “just how men are”. Anyone feeding you that is projecting their own unhappy relationship.
You need to have a real conversation with him about this. Don’t go from it from a “do you like me” standpoint. In his own way, he does, so he is going to get defensive and dismissive about it. Address it from a “this is what I need out of this relationship that I am currently feeling is missing” and go from there. Make sure to address or before he proposes to you, because you want to make sure you know whether you are a yes or no before then.
Please don’t stay if you’re feeling unloved. I know 10 years seems too difficult to throw away, but what’s that to a whole lifetime where you could find someone else who makes you truly happy? It’s now or never and I don’t think you should settle. You deserve to feel loved. Good luck and all the best to you!
That isn’t how “men” are; it’s how *this* man is.
If you don’t tell him how you’re feeling, he can’t know and work with you to fix it. Maybe he’s a person who wants to live on autopilot and that doesn’t sound like a person you want to tether yourself in marriage to.
But you can’t know if you don’t talk.
When my husband and I were first together he was fairly quiet and not very responsive to questions. The we got married and he became even worse. Like your experience, most of the time I was just ignored when I spoke and in ten years of marriage he probably asked me one or two questions about myself. It doesn’t get better, it gets worse.
I don’t think it’s about love, but interest in your spouse as a human being.
No.
Nononononono
First. This is not “just how men are”. This is how some people, both men and women, choose to live their life with their partner and it is just sad. I feel sad for your friends who have this life and think it’s the way life with a partner is meant to be.
Second, why would you want this life? Why would you want to spend the next 70 years (or whatever) yoked to someone who doesn’t care about giving you the smallest crumb of affection or attention.
Third. If I were you, I wouldn’t even try to bring this up with him. I would take some time for myself – go for a weekend trip to visit a family member far away, alone- and take myself out on some single dates. Think about myself, my self esteem, what do I gain from this person in my life. I’d probably decide that I gain very little when it comes down to it. I would find an apartment and tell him I’m moving out. I would leave. If he is at all curious about why, I would sit down with him thirty days later and explain.
> The one time I attempted to kind of bring it up, I opened with “Do you still like me? Because sometimes it doesn’t really feel like it” and he replied with “If I didn’t like you, why would I be here?”.
I am absolutely baffled as to why he responded with *that* instead of asking you to tell him about the times when you feel disliked. Is he not *curious*, at the very least?
It sounds like he’s on autopilot. And I think that, at minimum, you need to explicitly tell him that you don’t feel comfortable getting engaged right now, so if he has any plans, please suspend them until you can have some real conversations about this.
Bring this up to him, that you know about the proposal and are flattered but right now cannot say yes.
Explain you’re feeling unloved and alone in the relationship, and can’t marry him if things stay like this. Try to couch your explanation in how *you* feel rather than guilt-inducing accusations like “do you even love me anymore”.
What you’re doing is called a bid for attention/bid for connection, and how partners respond to those bids from their spouse is the #1 predictor of future happiness or future divorce. Happy couples respond positively to bids for connection and turn toward each other, even after a lot of time has passed in the relationship. Couples that are headed for divorce turn away from those bids, and your bf is turning away hard. You know what to do.
Hun, the fact that you don’t even feel safe to express how he makes you feel is another sign. Are you really willing to put up with this?
>The one time I attempted to kind of bring it up, I opened with “Do you still like me? Because sometimes it doesn’t really feel like it” and he replied with “If I didn’t like you, why would I be here?”
Someone who’s not a huge ass hole would respond by exploring where that feeling comes from and taking actions to fix it. It’s okay to dump people who are huge ass holes. Sounds like your friends just have low standards? You don’t have to be like them. Now’s your chance.
This what your marriage will look like. Good thing you have lived together. Is this what you want?
You are fostering resentment which is very bad. Like others have said, you need to be able to have these hard conversations first with him. And be careful with the way you approach it as it can be a sensitive subject for him
My husband is the light of my life. I know he feels the same. We’ve been married 10.5 years, together 11. We are close, affectionate, loving, and listen to each other. We are best friends and in a romantic relationship.
Don’t settle. I promise there’s someone out there for you.
Girl it’s no wonder you feel so unsure of yourself when you’re surrounded by such loser friends (sorry but true). You probably think it’s arrogance to think you’re better than other people, but it’s not, just the fact that you feel something’s off and you want something different and more out of your relationship *shows* that you are better than your friends, at least in a better headspace. What you want is bare minimum and you deserve it. I would take your friends’ relationship opinions and opinions on “men” with a barrel of salt, try to reduce that energy around you so you become more attuned to wanting what’s true to yourself. As for the man, other commenters have answered resoundingly.
Write him a letter. Then you get to say everything you need without him turning it into an argument.
There’s an old but very true saying that goes “Familiarity breeds contempt”. He’s got used to having you around and he doesn’t feel that he has to impress you anymore. A come to Jesus talk is needed here and he may see the error of his ways. If he’s not capable of changing then you have some hard decisions ahead of you.
Don’t make your lack of communication skills his problem. Take some personal responsibility for the mess ur in.
You may be staying with him out of familiarity vs having a relationship worth saving. If things between yoy seem loveless now, dont imagine they are going to improve and he will start becoming MORE attentive, just because you are wearing a ring. If you find there are aspects of the relationship worth saving and maybe things have become just too familiar, its worth visiting a couples counselor together so you are only choosing to enter into marriage if you both feel fulfilled in the relationship.
My wife doesn’t respond often. It’s just her.
Do not get married unless youbare 100% sure. If you dislike your relationship now, marriage sure as hell will not fix it. Things only get harder.
He may love you, but he definitely does not like you at all.
I’ve been together with my husband for 14 years, we have two kids. That is not how men are, that’s not how relationships have to be. My husband and I often feel like we’re still in the honeymoon phase. He appreciates me, I appreciate him. We spend time to cuddle at night. We can’t keep our hands off each other. He is an amazing father who takes care of his OWN children.
Are you seriously ready for the way he treats you to be the rest of your life??
Even apart from what else has been said, your boyfriend has waited 13 years to propose, and you had a long break halfway through your relationship for unspecified reasons. It kinda reads to me like he’s going through the motions because you’re both about to hit 30.
(Nothing against people who just don’t see marriage as a priority, but for people who *do* want to get married, that’s an absurdly long time to wait.)
If it helps, I’ve known my partner (we are not engaged yet but it is our intention to be married one day!) since he was 17. So I think in some ways our situation overlaps.
I had to sit him down literally this week and have a similar conversation. What helped me to speak plainly about it was not piling on all the little things that led to me feeling this way, but rather stick to simple statements and see what he replied with then go from there. For us, it’s already put us in a better place. I know it won’t change overnight but I can tell we are much more aligned than we were last week.
For us, it wasn’t any lack of love, his job has just been running his life (and subsequently mine) for 6+ months and it was easy to get lost in the day to day and not carve out time for us specifically.
This is NOT what inevitably happens, and people who say that are doing you a disservice. One thing I said that really stuck with my partner during our conversation was “you seem to feel very secure and loved in our relationship, and I love that! But I do NOT currently feel secured or loved (enough) and I need us to tackle that as a team. If we carry on like this, I think it will fully dismantle the foundation of our relationship”
It led to a lot of good feedback on both ends. So, I hope you can voice these things. If he dismisses you, blows you off, gets defensive, etc. then frankly he’s probably not the partner for you longterm. These issues happen, and it’s not a failing and I don’t think it has to mean things are “over”. Perhaps it just means both of you need to adjust a bit, including him being more intentional about meeting your physical and emotional needs.
Another thing I said that made me feel like I made progress was “I can promise to be in charge of and share my emotions, but if you’re not sharing yours with me then why are we together?” And that also seemed to click for him, as he realized that I was starting to feel like I was doing all the emotional labor and he knows I’m never going to stay longterm in a dynamic like that, because I’ve done it before and it’s exhausting. Sharing emotions, to me, includes small gestures like a peck or a hug.
Good luck! I have confidence if he loves you like he says he does, this will just be a challenging experience that will bring you closer. Also, do not get engaged unless this changes significantly and CONSISTENTLY. I’d say at least 6 months if not a full year, because you deserve to know things won’t backslide. Adjustments here and there, and life happens so being considerate of that, sure, but don’t take just one month of changes as a sure thing. You deserve to see consistent action before planning a permanent and lawfully binding future.
Get the offer and realize it’s a commitment to engagement, not marriage. You can always hold off answering, or break off the engagement if he doesn’t pass that trial period. Don’t mean to sound cynical but it’s your life and you haven’t had a lot of experience, plus 29 is a year in which a lot of engagements are mistakes.
It’s just the most flattering thing in the world to be asked, so don’t miss that. But it’s so much more fun to be single once you’ve been asked.
Just don’t say what I did: “um…. Can I let you know tomorrow?”
No, that’s not “how men are”. Learn now that sometimes friends and family give absolutely horrible, vaguely sexist advice.
Your boyfriend has just stopped treating you well. And don’t think because he’s going to propose that that’s going to change. Unfortunately, he might just be proposing because he thinks that’s what he has to do. Lots of people propose…frankly to people they should be breaking up with.
I’ve been with my partner for over 15 years. Since we were literal teenagers. None of this behavior is something I would accept in my own relationship. We are affectionate, we listen to each other and engage, we compliment each other. Every day really.
And that’s not me bragging, that’s just really how it should feel with your partner. You should feel loved!
You need to sit him down and talk to him, stop avoiding confrontation. It needs to be done.
Reaffirming, this isn’t how men are. This is how shitty, unhappy people are.
How to address it? Be honest. “I have a feeling you’re planning on proposing soon and before we discuss marriage we need to have a serious conversation— I am and have been unhappy and have not felt like my needs are being met for awhile now. I’ve tried to delicately bring it up to you and it ended really tensely so I dropped it, but I can’t marry someone I don’t feel loves me and isn’t putting in effort in maintaining the spark. I know we’ve been together awhile and it’s easy to get comfortable, but I want more for my life than that. I hope you do too. I would love to go to a couple’s therapist if you’re open to it so we can try to talk and find ways to reconnect, but this isn’t a dynamic I will be happy in forever and I want our marriage to last forever.”
You can’t have an honest conversation about this without it turning into an argument? 🚩
Am I correct in guessing that this is a pattern and whenever he doesn’t want to discuss something difficult, you know it’ll turn into an argument, so you just drop it? If so, 🚩
My partner just proposed to me less than a week ago and I can promise you that your friends are just in unfulfilling relationships. I call my finace “a literal angel” every chance I get, because he is.
Your dude feels comfortable and doesn’t feel the need to put in any effort anymore. Could be because he’s just going through the motions and he isn’t really that into the relationship anymore, could be because he doesn’t feel like once you get to a certain point in a relationship, effort flies out the window. Neither scenario is good or how things should be. I think it’s worth trying to speak with him again about it, but definitely don’t commit to marrying this dude before you have an honest conversation.
I think how you receive love is so key to this conversation. I told my husband clearly and plainly what I needed from him in order to feel loved. I explained my love languages, that I need hugs, and to hear him say he loves me etc. I also called attention to the fact that I make an effort to show him he’s loved in his love languages, and I make a continued, conscious effort to do that. I still check in when he’s not meeting mine, (I’ll often tell him how pretty I look, which makes us both laugh and also reminds him to compliment me). You need to do the same. Tell him you won’t be accepting a proposal until you see him making an effort with your love language.
He stopped putting in effort because he’s comfortable. Some men slip into the mindset that once they have you, they don’t have to try so hard anymore. They tend to forget that the love, affection, and effort is one of the reasons we fell for them.
You just need to have a heart to heart with him, no matter how uncomfortable it is. No matter if he gets upset.
“Babe, I love you a lot. I feel like you aren’t paying attention to me or putting much effort into our relationship anymore though. I feel very unloved, undesired. This is one of the reasons I asked you if you still like me. Because I don’t feel that from you anymore.”
If he proposes in 2 months, don’t accept. He’s got to show you some real change. It would be a huge mistake to get married if you feel like this.
I was in therapy for that exact reason, about 15 years ago. I actually figured out what to do. I just explained to him politely that I could not put up with that behaviour or treatment anymore and I would leave if he couldn’t change. He changed.
It will only get worse. Sit him down without any destructions (phones, TV etc off). tell him what you have told us. Suggest you go to couples counseling, if he sees not problem with his behavior and refuses to go to counseling, end it.
My husband and I have been together 10 years. We would never ignore each other like your boyfriend does to you. We go out of our way to be thoughtful and kind to one another and to show love and support in tough times. If I told him I didn’t feel loved and he said “why else would I be here?” (which by the way is not the same as Yes or I LOVE YOU ) I would not feel reassured at all, I would feel worse.
I’m sorry that your boyfriend is so complacent and unbothered by your concerns which are very valid. Getting engaged or married will not fix things. Don’t even consider getting engaged before working this out because if anything he’ll be more complacent once you’re married and it’s harder to leave.
My ex, who I DID become engaged to, was like this. Just completely uninterested in me, unaffectionate and not plugged into what was happening in my life. Some men are like this, but not you, and that’s fine.
My current partner, it’s like chalk and cheese. I got all the things I was told I was asking to much for before. We will snuggle and cuddle all night, hold hands while watching TV, cook together and chat and laugh and be silly.