TLDR: My boyfriend does a lot of things to care for his widowed alcoholic mom and feels responsible for her. I feel like he puts way more thought and energy into her life than he does with the life we are trying to build together.
We’ve been together for just under 2 years and dated a bit as young teens. His mom is a widow (dad died almost 20 years ago) and an alcoholic. He has two sisters (21 and 23) who don’t live at home. He is also on the autism spectrum.
I am recovering from severe mental illness (schizoaffective disorder) that took most of my youth from me. I dropped out of highschool after being hospitalized, have never had a payroll job, and am now attempting to get my degree in social work.
He’s moved back in with his mom after being renovicted last year. He’s currently working part time at a bar, usually 2 or 3 nights a week.
He does a lot for his mom, from some managing and maintenance for her rental properties, sometimes managing her small buiness and taking the majority of the customer service calls, walking her dogs, cleaning and maintaining the house, doing repairs, caring for her when she drinks too much, taking over everything when she leaves for vacations a few times a year, etc… He’s said before that he’s sometimes angry and resentful and feels more like her surrogate husband than her son.
I love that he cares so much and I love his mom, but it’s to the point that he gets anxious and agitated if he’s away for too long. I think he feels responsible if she drinks while he’s away. He rarely comes to my place, and usually when he does he arrives late, I have to convince him to stay the night, and he’s in a hurry to leave early the next morning.
I have to go to his place if I want to see him (usually I stay over for 2 nights a week), and usually end up helping around the house with various chores if I stay over. I just moved back in with my parents, they are disabled and I try to help them out where it’s needed, but we live very separate lives and they mostly do their own thing.
Everytime I ask him to come over he asks me “why?”, “what would be the purpose?”, “what’s in it for me?”, which sounds harsh but he’s a very straightforward communicator and it’s something I love about him. However I am starting to feel confused and frustrated, I guess I want to be prioritized but don’t know if I’m asking for too much. I don’t even really know what exactly I want honestly as I am just figuring my life out!
I don’t want to stress him out or make him feel like he has to choose between his mom and me, but at the same time I am growing a bit resentful of the fact that we both have free time right now and it feels like 90% of his is spent doing things for his mom. He’s also told me that she feels like when I’m around he does less and it’s impeding his life and goals. It’s to the point where he often won’t sit down to watch a movie with me because it’s a “waste of time” when he could be doing things around the house. I’ve noticed he seems a lot more chill and laid back when she is away on vacation.
I invited him over today to have a bbq and help me with some gardening (mentioned it last week and he said he would love to), and he said he needs to sort through wires for his mom, set up her inflatable hot tub, and clean up the house… Is this a valid reason to be upset? Do I sound overbearing? Would asking to be more of a priority kill this relationship? What should I even expect of a relationship that is becoming pretty serious? We are talking about things like living together, kids, marriage, etc.
3 comments
First let me say; I’m incredibly sorry you’re experiencing this.
His mother sounds like a narcissist and sounds like he’s her golden child. There’s also a significant amount of emotional incest happening here (ew!) and she wants to make sure she has him all to herself. Your relationship will always be under attack if your boyfriend doesn’t start creating boundaries and saying “no” to his NM (narcissistic mothers).
He isn’t being treated like her son; he’s being treated like he’s her husband. Which is the entire point of emotional incest. NM want to be #1 in their sons lives especially if they aren’t married with a husband. Any woman that their son starts dating will be a threat to them. They will be competitive, they will speak negatively about her & convince the son that he deserves “better.”
They will mold the son to become their surrogate husband and have him tend to their emotional needs.
Ultimately, I think your boyfriend needs to acknowledge his mother is a narcissist and set & enforce boundaries. He should know he will never be satisfied in a romantic relationship unless he stops pleasing his mom.
>Is this a valid reason to be upset?
Yes
>Do I sound overbearing?
No
>Would asking to be more of a priority kill this relationship?
It might, but you have to ask. Otherwise you are denying him the opportunity to change.
>What should I even expect of a relationship that is becoming pretty serious?
You should expect that he will, most of the time, prioritize you over his mother. Don’t accept less.
He should be spending more time with you and prioritizing your relationship. With that said, I have a few questions.
1) does his mother pay him for helping to manage her buildings and the business?
2) does his mother intend to pass the businesses onto him and is he working to protect his interest in the business?