We was both our firsts and every since the get go our relationship has been great with communication, same interests, morals, quality time you name it. However the only thing that we ever had a problem with was intimacy.
I have a pretty high sex drive. Hers exists and from what I’ve heard it probably about the same frequency we masturbate but she doesn’t want to have sex or be intimate with me. She never starts things or is romantic to me. She gets very easily aggravated when I’m close and every time we do have an intimate moment i see and feel recoiling away which makes me feel horrible for finding her attractive and wanting to intimate and have sex on occasion. This has been a long slow 4 year downward trajectory and I don’t know what to do.
I know she’s had some trauma in the past sexually. (We’ve spoke in depth about it for hours on end). So I’ve always been mindful of that of course and it never used to deter her from starting or wanting me in anyway for at least the first few years.
I’ve raised my concerns uncountable times and it was ignored straight up for a while but eventually she listened and nothing changed.
It’s sad but I get more of a kick when a someone flirts with me than kissing my partner. Of course just the clarify I would never take someone up on they’re flirting. Just take it as a compliment and shut the conversation down.
But it comes to my point where I’m still young. I want to sex and explore my sexuality. I feel like I haven’t been satisfied in years and I’m yearning. What can I do to stop this feeling?
TL;DR Great relationship but have been lacking im the bedroom for 4 years which is leading me to feel unwanted and ashamed for wanting to have sex
3 comments
Have you asked her why she’s averse to sex? It sounds like you’ve communicated your needs not being met – which is good – but unless it was just not top of mind, you haven’t shared why she is opposed.
If you‘ve asked her why and she won’t communicate it, that should raise some eyebrows about why she won’t share it. It could be because she feels you don’t listen to her concerns and only care about your own.
If that’s not true, and you are having a dialogue as opposed to a one-sided conversation, I think you have every right to question whether this is as great a relationship as you otherwise feel it is. Sex is an important component in a relationship for many, myself included, and nothing’s wrong with you for wanting more there, as long as you haven’t been imposing it on her. If she doesn’t want to or can’t meet your needs, it may just be a mismatch of relationship priorities and the role of sex in it. That either means you need to work through it together with a counselor or just come to an understanding that this could be a dealbreaker for you.
Sometimes people are just incompatible in one area but that area holds a disproportionate amount of weight. It sucks, but it happens.
It sounds like you’re having a deadbedroom. there’s a Db forum on reddit also
For me sex is the culmination of a good relationship, sex is not the relationship. So the indication is that for her it’s not a good relationship. In my experience, women want to feel safe and trust their partners before sex happens. Have you asked her if it’s you that’s the problem (not saying it is).