We’ve hooked up about 5 times, he was a virgin before meeting me, but he’s not into the sex the way all other guys I’ve been with have.
For context, he has a death grip and is obsessed with porn (hentai, furries, whatever you can name).
He doesn’t like blowjobs, he says he feels like it disrespects me as a woman (so mental turn off) and he does not feel much physical sensation either (I blame his death grip because again, I’ve never had this problem with other guys). I don’t know how we’ve had sex five times honestly, given he doesn’t even grab my ass while making out and most of the time when I grab his dick while kissing he tells me to remove my hand (he only makes sexual advances when he’s drunk). He doesn’t like handjobs because he says he knows how to do them better and prefers to jack off himself. He doesn’t like fingering me because he says his fingers smell weird afterwards. He doesn’t like eating me out, he said before actually trying it it was one of his turn ons and then during 69 his hard on died- he explained he doesn’t like genitals in his face because he thinks it’s gross + doesn’t like the flavor. During actual intercourse, his erection always dies down and he’s only been able to cum once (he was drunk).
He assured me he’s sexually attracted to me, that I’m beautiful and my body is sexy, but that sex just isn’t for him since he feels weird as well as dirty and guilty afterwards. I’ve questioned him if he’s just not into women and is actually gay, which he denied completely by saying he finds dick disgusting. He says he can’t be asexual because he’s addicted to porn and jacking off.
How should I approach this situation? I really like him as a friend and am attracted to him (he says he likes me more than a friend also), but honestly no man has ever left me feeling so undesirable or unattractive. Please help me, what do I do?
29 comments
Sounds like you got a FWOB-Friend WithOut Benefits
Sounds like you two aren’t compatible and maybe need to leave it as friends and find someone else whose needs align with yours.
I really mean no disrespect when I say this, but could it be possible that he is on the spectrum?
Regardless, you need to end this. That’s all. This is a no win for you love. Just tell him, you’re sorry but there are certain benefits you need in a FWB and he is missing the top 14. That’s too many.
Get an actual friend with benefits.
I just hope you reread what you wrote and ask yourself why are you still there? No sexual compatibility, dude treats you like a fuck hole and nothing more pretending to be righteous, he can’t even satisfy you and can’t even keep it up, can’t control his urges and would rather jerk off to porn than enjoy sex with you… do I need to keep going? Find someone better, you’ll regret it later and be hurt, you deserve better.
Dump him and find a grown ass man
It sounds like neither of you are benefiting from this situation…. you know you can be friends without the sex, right?
You just can’t have this type of relationship with him. There’s nothing you can do here – it’s all on him. He needs to either learn to get comfortable with sexual interactions or otherwise accept that he may be asexual and not really up for a relationship that relies on sex.
It’s more likely a self-confidence issue and part of being inexperienced, but that’s something he has to figure out. Tell him you’re happy to remain friends and maybe even try again in the future, but he needs to work on his comfort level himself or come up with something you can do that will help rather than just making excuses not to do anything.
He’s obsessed with porn but won’t let you give him head because he thinks it’s disrespectful to you (and feels guilty and dirty after sex). 🚩 🚩 🚩 Sounds like you’re heading down a path that’s zero fun for you unless you like playing psychiatrist.
Umm. Why do you *want* advice about how to approach this situation? The whole point of having a FWB is to have mutually enjoyable sex. My advice is to go back to being friends *without* benefits. Life’s too short.
A fwb without sex is just a friend
Why bother, is a lost case
Do you really need advice on what to do with a FWB that won’t have sex with you? The whole point behind the concept of FWB is the sex.
I didn’t realise I was bi until I fell for a same sex person. I think he might be gay but doesn’t realise it yet. (Or bi but sexually only attracted to men or something)
So…what are the benefits?
He’s giving signs and blatantly said that sex isn’t for him. You could prob give tips to him about watching less porn and working on his death grip, but other than that, you may want to end the FWB relationship. Don’t wait around and expect him to change when you can just find someone who’s actually into having sex.
How are you even FWB if this is what it’s like every time? Your friend might have quite a few issues, I’m not sure you can solve them alone.
So… your sex partner… does NOT like sex??
You already know what to do.
he’s gay.
Sounds like he is on the ace spectrum, probly aegosexual or something similar. A lot of his descriptions on things make sense with that. Sounds like a has some mental barriers to break through in order to enjoy sexual acts more, especially related to bodily fluids. Also definitely needs to give himself a break and change his masturbation habits if he is “deathgriping” cause it really messes with baseline sensations when you get used to such high pressure/friction. That being said is definitely easy to say but hard to do so I wouldn’t hold that against him. Anyway gl with everything
Honestly, i am a virgin and i also watch porn in my free time. Idk what is wrong with your guy. You can talk with him or get a new FWB. This is clearly friend without benefits
It’s like Mac and Cheese, without cheese.
… Asperger’s?
Sounds like you’re JUST friends, there are no benefits there. Especially if you’re leaving feeling undesirable, more like friends with negative benefits. I would just have a chat with him and explain you need more then what he is offering.
Since everyone is giving shitty advice I’ll lay it out for you. This sounds like a relationship issue even though you described it FWB.
You have to decide if you want to help him or help yourself. It helps to understand want you want from a relationship with him, fwb or long term.
If you care for him and he agrees he needs help, he’d probably appreciate the support.
Death grip is something that needs to be worked on as well as his porn addiction. If he can get that under control his attitude to you and to sex will drastically change.
I was similar to him many years ago. I didn’t have death grip but regular sex didn’t arouse me as much on account of my porn watching. I could sext easy and enjoyed female attention but after having sex with someone a few times, the ‘dirty’ part was lost as we had already seen all of each other.
This was a personal problem that I created. It made me very unhappy as I was selfish to my partner. She wasn’t getting the attention she deserved and I was too coward to admit why.
I thought I might be gay but I knew I wasn’t because of how deeply attractive women were to me and how much I enjoyed sex at first with a new person.
I got ED because of this and I pretended that I was too unwell to have sex. It was frustrating as I did want to have sex, it just didn’t do it for me. This penetrated my psyche and created an actually fear for underperforming that still lingers to this day.
Your friend needs to admit and confront his issue. If he’s like this while being so young it can turn into something he can’t control.
I just stopped watching porn all the time and chose to work on myself for a while. now I have a great sex life and I can watch porn without fucking it all up.
Don’t feel negative about this (easy to say, hard to do, I know). This is his issue and his alone. If you’re willing to stay around him while he develops himself then he is very lucky. You have no obligation to do so though. He would be the same with any woman, it’s part of how he’s programmed his brain.
Is he very religious? Sounds like he lines sex (porn) but the idea of it turns him off. I’d suggest therapy for him and both of you if you were in a relationship beyond FWB.
He seems to need a fair amount of help. Question is, do you want this big a project or is it easier to find someone else and let the next person try to fix him?
It’s probably the porn addiction. I had an ex that was obsessed with porn and also squeezed very hard when jerking off so he said everything else was loose by comparison. He also didn’t want to have sex often. It confused me because he was always horny for porn, but you need to not take it personally and also stop believing there’s something you can do to fix it. I wasted 2 years with that dickhead and had to scrape my self esteem off the floor – it took years.
I would move on from this guy as a regular fwb. If you still want to see him then replace him with a main guy and let this one hit you up when he wants it. Personally I’d be making him beg a little when that time comes but that’s bc these guys will fuck your self esteem into the ground if you let them and it pisses me off so gassing you up in return is the least they can do imo.