seriously. four years. I know the other question is why would someone put up with being strung along for that long, but it’s because it was confusing as hell. His words were SO sweet and he seemed so genuine. And he always had a reason for his disinterested seeming actions – his ADHD, his anxiety and depression, his stressful life events (which all seemed plausible). It started off pretty intense and then over the years kept fading and fading. Weeks of not answering texts. I suggested multiple times that I noticed this happening and that if he needed space or felt like it wasn’t the right time to date it was ok, but he always SWORE he wanted to be with me. I felt so torn because I care deeply for him and he was saying everything I wanted to hear. I also felt like i would be be the asshole for breaking up with him because of mental health issues. However, when he totally blew me off when I was going through an incredibly difficult time in my personal life I finally broke things off because regardless of what was going on I wasn’t getting my needs met… but I’m just so confused by everything. Was it all a lie?? Was it all just the worlds longest breadcrumbing mindfuck? Did he genuinely care but was unable to show it? Did his adhd make him unable to maintain a connection? Does anyone have any insight or experience with a situation like this? It’s making me feel like I’ve been an absolute idiot.
TL;DR was it mental health issues making him act disinterested, or was he playing mind games
8 comments
Not blaming you, but continually allowing him to ignore you/fade out and then come back taught him that he could get away with the minimum here- he didn’t have to do any work towards your relationship and could still reap the rewards of having someone care about him.
Does he have some highly stressful demanding job that somehow some way explains ghosting you for weeks?
He was fake with you, maybe early on there was a better connection but doubt it
ADHD does not interfere negatively at all with relationships involving considerate understanding people , neither does stress
Stressy stuff can be frustrating and difficult at times, but shouldn’t disrupt the foundation of your relationship
He completely shot you down when you were needing comfort, odd behavior from a stress/adhd veteran
Move on, we all have made our fair share of 1-4 year mistakes imo , fuck him
My life is full of people with ADHD and anxiety. I have both! Neither condition causes you to be a flaky asshole. This dude is just a jerk.
It’s probably not helpful or even possible to ask the question, why is he doing this?
It’s more useful for you to focus on, what do I need in a relationship, and in the last (week, month, 3 months) am I getting everything I need?
It doesn’t matter why. Maybe he was disinterested, maybe it is just his relationship preference. What matters is that he didn’t offer you what you need from a relationship.
Next time, if something doesn’t work for you in a relationship, state it out right. “It makes me feel X when Y. I need Z.” and wait for him to figure it out. Rather than reassuring him that it’s fine if he doesn’t want a relationship right now etc! Where are your needs and wants in this?
OP. You do _not_ owe anybody your time. If your needs are not being met, and you are not 100% happy, you walk away. There _will_ be someone out there willing to meet your needs, and even excel them.
I know its hard. Especially when you have invested so much time. But, walk away. If he doesn’t fulfill your love language, and vice versa, leave. So many fish in the sea… do not settle for a goldfish.
Generally speaking I try to weigh actions significantly more than words. Not to determine if a person is good or bad, but if they are a fit for me. It is easy to speak the things we want to be true, but what we do is a much better indicator of our actual priorities.
It can be so easy to justify what we tolerate as well, especially if we are lonely or feeling like we might not find that right fit. Wishing you the best.
Are you me? Going through this exact same thing now. Only a year and a half so it doesn’t hit quite the same, but this literal sequence of events. I think they just … See the world in a different way. Their perception of reality is just vastly different. It doesn’t excuse the poor behavior but it does explain it. But I still can’t make sense of any of it