Dear husband sometimes has a hard time calmly conveying why he is upset and my in-laws will dismiss it as jealousy towards his brother. But I have seen and experiences first-hand the expectations they put on my husband vs his brother and how unfairly they treat my husband.
If you were me, would you speak up to your in-laws about this as a third-party?
22 comments
You wouldn’t. This is his relationship with his family and unless he is asking you to get involved then you would stay out of it.
My parents PISS me off. But if my husband got involved without me asking him to I’d be livid.
The only time I’d speak up is if it got verbally/physically abusive while I was there. And this isn’t either of those things.
Yes you need to do that… please for the love of god do that… he maybe your rock but to them he is a crack rock they smoke and use up.
Please stand up for him and tell them that its not okay and leave that situation. Get your husband into therapy to talk about the trauma and abuse he has gone through.
Please tell him he is not a burden and that you love him and you are sorry they hurt him.
Some parents are shitty and toxic and until they can admit their faults and work on changing… I would not recommend reconciling with them any time soon
> If you were me, would you speak up to your in-laws about this as a third-party?
I absolutely wouldn’t. I’d support my wife in her management of her relationship with her parents unless she asked me to get involved or it was impacting our relationship in some negative way.
I’m not sure third party intervention would make them see the error of their ways. They might double down on how wonderful the brother is because on top of everything else, he doesn’t have a nosy spouse getting involved in their business.
Minimize contact for starters. Do both parents do this or would one of them be more open minded about discussing the disparity between how each brother is treated? Has your husband broached the subject with them before?
You can speak up but it most likely won’t make a difference and be met with defensiveness, after all they have brains and see no problem with the things they do to your husband. Distance and boundaries are what needs to happen for your husbands sake, even therapy for him. Let him know you love & support him.
No. leave it alone. its on him to figure out, you just be supportive.
been through similar, my husband is now NC with his parents
No.
My relationship with my parents is (by my choice) very superficial and polite but not warm and fuzzy. They have always favored my sister, it ain’t gonna change, I’ve learned to accept it, but sometimes I’m not in a great mood after speaking on the phone with them. But even still my husband would never, ever intervene, and I’d be pretty upset if he did. They are my “problem” to deal with. Not his. He’s supportive of me, and a good listener if I need to vent for a moment, but he would never speak to them “on my behalf.”
I wouldn’t do it. Your husband will blame you for causing problems and continue to let them treat him badly. He has to work through this and decide what kind of relationship he wants with them. It’s frustrating to watch but grown adults are still chasing mommy and daddy’s love and approval even though they’ll never get it.
You might be a third party but you are not an impartial third party. saying something would probably just cause more upheaval for your husband with his parents.
I would not get involved.
I have been through the exact same thing – being around my in-laws only upset my husband because it’s always been quite obvious his step-siblings were treated much better. I stewed in anger over it for YEARS and finally let it out in a letter following a fight (husband okayed it). It actually did lead to a come to Jesus meeting with us all, apologies were made, and things have been a lot better with us since.
It did work out for me but I do regret some of what I said and how I said it – I think I really hurt my FIL.
It would really boil down to what kind of family this is. For some people, it doesn’t matter who tells them or how many times they’re told something, they just feel they’re right and so it definitely has the potential to backfire on you badly. What does your husband think? Does he want you to handle this?
No.
Please no.
As someone who has plenty of issues with my family. The LAST thing I need is my wife stepping into it.
Stay out of it. Most you can do is ask Whats wrong . If he choose not to tell you leave it alone
No I wouldn’t. You can really only convey what you’re observing to your husband, what you’re noticing, asking him to explain what’s going on and your concerns. You can encourage him to stand up for himself, but really it’s not your place to get involved in that dynamic. You can support your husband, be there for him when he’s feeling stressed or upset over it, and be there when he’s wanting to talk about it
No, because that would just make him feel emasculated.
No. Lemme think a minute…NO! Not now, not in the future, not ever. Unless you are looking to start WW3?
Stay in your lane lady !
You speeding towards chaos !
You don’t. You said yourself you’re a 3rd party, trying to get involved is a horrible idea. You support your husband as much as you can at home but NEVER get involved in family drama that doesn’t directly involve you
Thank you for all of your perspectives, this really helped me put together some next steps. I’ll focus on what I can control and on my relationship with my husband. Thanks again!
No. Get your husband working on getting the tools in his tool belt that he needs to better handle the situation himself. Doing it for him isn’t the answer. Playing the game of telephone with your husband’s emotions and the issues he’s having with them is a great way to have a big old fight about miscommunication with either you and him or his family or cause one between him and his family. You may say something he never wanted them to hear or convey the situation incorrectly somehow. He comes to you for support, not to give you information to relay back to them.
You don’t intervene. It’s not your relationship to manage and your involvement can make things significantly worse, especially if your husband isn’t on board with your approach.
It took 4 years, but I got my husband to recognize his toxic mother and her successful parental alienation against his dad just by making comments, (“I really don’t like the way your mom talks down to you. You do so much for her only to have her show up with that level of disrespect towards you”), asking questions and giving supporting reasons for what youre trying to understand (“why do you think your dad doesn’t care about you? He could have easily peaced out and just paid his child support, but instead he was driving 4 hours one way every weekend for years just to make sure he had a relationship with you”) and then reframing the conversations to think about how we’d handle the situation (“Let’s agree that our children should always be kept out of our relationship. It’s really shitty to remove the relationship of a child from their parents just because their parents can’t get along properly.”)
Don’t get involved
This is a battle for your husband to resolve. However, you back him up through it all.