I’ve been seeing this one girl for just over 3 months. Everything’s going really slow, but honestly it’s kinda what I wanted. We’ve been getting to know each other on deeper levels, we get a long, and our families actually sorta know each other.
Just a couple days ago, we had a very deep conversation about where we see ourselves etc. She mentioned that she’s abstaining from any physical intimacy until marriage for religious purposes. I fully respect that. Fast forward 24hrs, I did bring it up with her that it’s something that bothers me. As I don’t want to go through all these years without physical relations, with the possibility that post marriage relations are incompatible.
She remained true to her values and basically said it’s what she believes in and again, I respect that. I’m just confused on what to do now. She seems very trustworthy, and honestly wifey material. To be honest, the act of her being celibate for religious reasons actually makes me believe she’s a very genuine person. Although, I personally need to feel a physical connection with the person as I belief it’s as important as an emotional connection. Especially in the long term.
I really need advice on how I should approach this?
33 comments
You two are simply incompatible and that’s ok. It means you have to find someone else who is better with you.
Simply put you have to make a difficult choice.
Either continue with this woman who seems like a good wife but might not be sexually compatible or break it off and try to find someone else.
If the physical connection is that important then you might need to look elsewhere.
Honestly, if you were older/at a better age for marriage, I’d say it’s a hard choice.
But you have about 4-6 YEARS before she’s at the age where you should consider marriage. 60% of marriages started in your early 20s end in divorce. A year or so spent on a relationship with a lot of potential but maybe no sexual compatibility is manageable, but 6 years? Your whole 20s, basically?
Yeah, I would break things off and remain friends if it’s that important to you. But if you really wanna take a chance/risk especially since your endgame is marriage then it honestly might be worth it. Try to stay busy as possible and do activities that would get you two closer than ever so the physical part won’t be on your mind as much. If you do continue try not to compare your relationship to the way other relationships are with their partners. Relationships are always about taking a chance and believing in the journey.
So are you still seeing her? Celibate implies that at one time she was not. So you are an exception to her history. (ETA: I’ve only heard the celibate used in this way. TIL that apparently this is an incorrect assumption.)
If you were to marry her without figuring out if you’re sexually compatible that could make things really difficult down the road. I would strongly consider whether you would be okay being celibate for the rest of your life because it could be that she’s not a very sexual person and when you get to marriage, you won’t actually get the sex life you are hoping for.
My recommendation would be to find someone more sexually compatible with you. She can have her beliefs, but you can have your preferences.
ETA: go check out r/DeadBedrooms if you’re curious about the long term results of sexual incompatibility
>She seems very trustworthy
As i’ve aged, I’ve come to the conclusion that people that withhold “dealbreaker” or “incompatibility” information for such a period of time.
Are actually very manipulative
Tell me why you would need to wait 3 months to say “I’m staying celibate until I marry” You can do this on date 1
It could be kids (wanting/not wanting) Marriage (wanting/dead against it) or many other aspects of choice that simply may be incompatible with the other party, where there is no need to hold onto your choices so long.
For me the manipulation is “I will get this person to build real feelings for me and the relationship before i drop the bad news”
On top of that, intimacy is something i think anyone is mad if they don’t “try before they buy”, same with living together, something else you should do before getting married.
Up to you dude but the odds are stacked against you having the intimacy you desire post marriage.
Do you share her religiosity? Because that’s its own (and probably a bigger) potential incompatibility here.
What you do now is believe her. This is who she is, this is what she wants. This is not what you want. You two are incompatible. You break up as amicably as you can manage, and go find someone whose approach more closely matches your own.
If you want to be in a relationship where sexual relations are ongoing then go be in a relationship with someone who has a similar outlook about sex.
I would be more worried about lifestyle and belief system incompatibly. Do you know what religion she practices and what other restrictions she’s under that may effect you? Are you fine with any potential children being raised with her values?
Stop. Getting. Married. So. Young! It’s a trend of young 20 something’s coming on here and posting about “I’m married but she or he wants to have an open marriage.” “He feels like he missed out on more fun and sex with other people” etc etc. You guys are essentially out of college, go enjoy some of real world adult life for a bit. And also you have a valid concern of not being sexually compatible if you haven’t had sex before marriage. I would move on because again… read first five words again up there. Good luck.
There are ways to find out if you are sexually compatible ahead of time. Is she ok with making out? Can you get one of those decks of cards with 100 sex questions to start opening up on what a good sex life might look like in the future for you? Can you go to a couples therapist together to discuss your interests?
Run. Don’t walk.
She has every right to live her life the way she wants. But you don’t have to live by her rules. Getting stuck in a dead bedroom marriage will destroy you. It’s good to know you’re compatible before marrying or even moving in together. So, let her find a man willing to risk wasting years of his life and his finances. You don’t have to.
And what if after the mariage she only wants sex for babies? And what if she doesn’t like it? Or you don’t like the same things?
Very high risk to take with your life.
I’d leave her to people fully sharing the same beliefs.
It’s better to cut your losses now than in ten years.
If you’re not on the same page on the ‘no sex until marriage’ part of the religion, it makes me wonder if you’re going to have issues with other aspects of the religion. I really doubt that’s the only non-negotiable you’re going to run into with this relationship. Are you willing to join the religion and go to church or pray or raise your kids on that religion? If not, I would suggest moving on with someone who isn’t as religious.
As someone who doesn’t want children, I’ve had to come to the realization that I have to stick to my guns HARD on that topic. There’s no reality where I will have kids, and it’s pointless to not end a relationship immediately after finding out the guy wants kids. It’ll only drag something out that’ll never work. I’ve talked to some super attractive guys only to find out 5 mins in that he can’t wait to be a dad. Then after 5 min I have to walk away no matter how hard we are vibing. It SUCKS but it has to be done. So if it’s a dealbreaker then end it immediately. It’ll only hurt more in the long run
In my experience, women who are super enthusiastic about celibacy are pretty likely to be asexual, lesbian, or so repressed and shamed about sex that they really struggle to learn to enjoy it even once they give themselves that permission after marriage. And even once a straight celibate woman starts exploring sexually, she often finds that the man she chose was so easy for her to be celibate with because they never actually wanted him sexually.
If a healthy and active sex life is important to you, I’d run as fast as you can away from her. Respectfully, and kindly. Plenty of women will enjoy a slow build up without wanting to avoid sex before marriage.
You have two choices. 1. Don’t have sex until you’re married, and 2. Break up.
That’s it. Which one do you prefer? She’s not going to change her mind and if you convince her to change her mind, she’s likely to resent you for it.
There are hundreds of people on this sub who married to get laid and found out after the paperwork was signed that that are sexually incompatible. Proceed with caution.
Personally, I would never consider a long term relationship with anyone UNTIL I ascertained that we were compatible sexually.
At an absolute minimum I think additional discussion is needed. If this is for religious reasons, has she been conditioned to think that sex is primarily for reproduction, not for enjoyment? Has sex been portrayed as “dirty” or sinful? That can be very hard for people to overcome and will absolutely impact your sexual compatibility.
Some questions for you to ponder: How much of her life is based on her religion and are you expected to convert/match? Would you want to raise children that way?
I think that 3 months is too soon to decide that someone is marriage material because you are still learning about each other, and in your case a very important concept just came up—what other unknowns are lurking beneath the surface that you don’t even know about yet???
Sexual incompatibility is a very real issue for couples and you’ve already indicated the importance of physical connection to you—how is your relationship going to progress in a healthy manner when you need this and she’s unwilling to provide?
How do you approach this?
You respect her boundaries and choices. And then make your own choices whether you can be with her until marriage without sex and stand by that too. I realise that over simplifies it. But what else is there.
I waited until marriage like a good Mormon. Turns out I was allergic to my husbands sperm. On our wedding night we finished and then I felt this tremendous burning. 10 years later he got the Big V. The problem stopped! We divorced within the year. Damage was done.
I would never have subjected myself or him to that biological incompatibility if I had known.
Honestly first things first you need to decide if this is going to be a deal breaker for you because prolonging a relationship that your not 100% in will be a waste of both of your times. Second of not express how important different areas of physical touch are important to you and find a work around for that issue. 3 maybe learn the religious back ground of this choice and try to understand the reasoning for it and why it’s so important that could possibly change your mind
Cut your losses, not compatible. You’ll begin to resent her with still no intimacy in a few months.
Do you live in a place where marrying young and waiting until marriage is common custom? If so, then I think you have your answer (not placing any personal opinion on that one, just stating it as a factor).
If not, then maybe this isn’t the person for you to be dating. Sounds like you both want different things, and neither of you is more right or wrong than the other. But, you have mutually exclusive desires, so there is no way this will work out. Time to walk away and find someone more compatible with you.
Is it a dealbreaker or not?
You two just sound like you have incompatible values. Decide if this is something that you can tolerate and accept, and if it’s not then end it. She’s made it clear where she stands and what she expects, so respect that boundary and figure out what you want.
There is no right or wrong answer. Both approaches and preferences are valid, but what’s not valid is trying to persuade her out of her own values.
You’re not going to (and shouldn’t feel the need to) change her views on sex before marriage or religion. You have to ask yourself if you’re willing to conform to them and not pressure her constantly. Unless you’re totally in, get out , that’s all you can do
There’s a reason religious people who hold this belief typically get engaged and married very very quickly. The idea of being together for years without having sex is rarely realistic. So you need to decide if getting married to her in the next few months is something you want to do, or else probably break up honestly.
You respect her decision and decide whether you are willing to do the same. It currently sounds like you’re not, so just tell her honestly.
“I respect your beliefs and boundaries but they don’t work for me. I enjoy spending time with you, but you and I want different things and that’s okay. I am not going to pressure you to violate your principles and I think it is better if we just part amicably so we can both find someone that better aligns with each of our values.”
It’s not her fault. It’s not your fault. Just politely and amicably end it.
You will always be the side piece, her real love priority is God.
Are you willing to put her first knowing she’ll always put you second?
You can respect her convictions all you want, but if you need a physical connection to bond with someone, then you and she are incompatible. It’s ok to be incompatible. You just need to recognize that and move forward accordingly.