He (30M) called off our (29F) wedding a month before and out of the blue. Is it cold feet or something worse?

33 comments

1. I don’t have great advice for you, just wanted to say that that’s really shitty of him. It could be either, but if he told you he will not marry you, then that’s that unfortunately. It sucks not to have closure, especially when you’ve spent so much time together, but it’s not as if you can force him to tell you anything. I would just continue to encourage him to communicate clearly with you, and if he ever does decide he wants to marry you, he better have a DAMN good apology and explanation.

2. Unfortunately, none of us can answer why your ex-fiance chose to do what he did. Only he knows, and he is not being forthcoming. This sounds worse than “cold feet” though. Unilaterally cutting off your wedding like that without any conversation or consult with you was cold and callous. It was also incredibly disrespectful as I am sure it is both embarrassing to you among family and friends and also financially costly as there is a lot of things you can’t get reimbursed now.

   A man who would suddenly decide to do something so drastic and hurtful wouldn’t have made a good long term partner, so if there is one positive, if is that you found out before you married him and had him bail on you during an important time in your life.

   I would suggest therapy for yourself, to help you process the breakup and the lack of closure. But I wouldn’t engage with your ex any further. A clean break is the best way to begin to heal.

3. Seems like he would have made a shit husband if he refuses to communicate complicated feelings. You are right. It’s not normal behavior and very disrespectful. You deserve much better. Not sure how you can move past this when he’s put you in a weird state of confused limbo.

4. I am very sorry OP. Does he have or had a history of mental illness? Did something happen recently in his life to make him behave like this?

5. It’s complicated? After 6 years and an almost wedding… that’s all he’ll give you? Why was his nose bleeding? Have you spoken to family? Friends? Is he on drugs? Did he meet someone else?

6. Unfortunately, only he can answer this. I’d advise for you to work on yourself and try to heal. Get support from family and friends and therapy. I would at some point try to get him to open up and tell you why he decided to break things off, but ultimately you may never know…

7. > His nose was bleeding and his fingers were ice cold during the break up.

   How strange. And he never communicated doubts to you?

   His lack of communication is a big red flag. He wouldn’t have made a good life partner if he can’t talk about big things or things that bother him. You are much better off with someone else.

   His physical state is odd. It must have been a reaction to the stress of breaking up. Unless.. there’s something wrong with him of the order of a brain tumour. It’s very unlikely and I’d take him at his word, generally. But if he’s had completely unexplained mood swings, completely new emotions coming out of nowhere without a reason (e.g. waking up not being attracted to you not by slow fading but suddenly) and other completely out of character problems, it may be worth getting checked just in case.

8. This sounds like fomo if he says he can’t commit to you. It’s sucks but let him go. Move on. Go rediscover yourself

9. This is shocking and awful for you but in 6 months or so you’re going to be very glad he did this. I suspect drug use since his nose was bleeding and his hands were ice cold. He’s done you a favor. Let him go. You do not want to marry anyone with his doubts…or his sure knowledge…that he’s not in it for life.

10. His physical state at the time is alarming. Why was he having a nosebleed? Is he displaying other uncharacteristic, odd behavior? It sounds like this could be medical.

    That said, you should think about what you want for your life. Are you content to stay with a guy who won’t go all in with you after 6 years? Who might always be holding himself a little bit back? Do you want to be a wife, maybe a mother someday? Do you think this person will provide those things to you?

    I can’t even imagine the expense of cancelling a wedding last minute like this, not to mention the embarrassment of having to disinvite all your family and friends, who have probably had to deal with their own logistics and expense to visit/attend by now. Cancelling may be better by far than going through with it if he wasn’t ready, but damn. Why would he wait this long to tell you?

    If he’s done this out of some kind of medical confusion, that’s something your relationship may be able to survive, a journey you may be able to navigate together. But if it’s not… honestly I think he’s shown his cards, and they’re not worth playing.

11. It could be just cold feet. But this could also be something that’s felt wrong for him for a long time and finally he’s gotten up the nerve to say so. Maybe it’s not right for him and he doesn’t have a good analytical reason to defend it. And that’s made him unable to decide for a long time. If he’s a nice guy, he might have been dreading to hurt you too.

12. This does sound strange and I’m sorry you are going thru this. Absent any red flags he may have fallen out of love with you. He should tell you why but isn’t obligated. Some on this sub say you can end a relationship for any reason or no reason.

13. I’d say he probably has a fear of committing coupled with “ aww man! I could be banging hotter chicks years from now but I’ll be married and I’ll miss out”

    In short, he’s probably immature and you dodged a bullet.

14. You need to use your practical mind now more than ever. Make sure he takes care of all the lingering bills and penalties regarding everything you have to cancel with vendors. Don’t be left with a loss because *he* is responsible for it. He needs to pay for all of it and reimburse you for anything you’ve paid for which cannot be refunded.

    Then you can deal with the emotional aspect.

15. No way we could even guess but I think you dodged a bullet. Be glad you weren’t married with more entanglement and possibly a family. Sorry this happened to you though.

16. Nose bleeding I think came from the stress (someone correct me here) he was penting up while thinking of how to break the news for you. I do not believe he was just thinking about it the moment he kissed u good morning and broke off the bad beans, it must have been over long time yet he was able to handle and wing them up. That must be hard and struggled alone with it.

    Him breaking up with you and calling off the wedding should be an indicator that he has a lot of issues that needs to be worked on unfortunately you can no longer involve yourself too. I see: communication issues which he witheld the thought and feeling of not committing with you for a long time thus not being able to give you an exact answer as to why he can’t commit long term with you. I would also like to add that he is disrespectful and selfish for doing such thing for you. He might have been holding up like i said that feeling and only him knows why when how it happened. This is just my hypothetical guess based on the information you describe so correct me if im wrong.

    This break up should also make you realise that it’s early to know how of a person he is than push through a wedding and come with a divorce sooner which is much painful.
    I would suggest you not to further communicate with him, work on with a therapist to help you journey into starting again. Please be firm with cutting off contacts with this person in the future should he come back: respect yourself. Have your support group such as family and friends you entrust personal issues with. Cry your heart if you must, scream, hike, journal. Do what can help you to carry on with your life.

    And I’m so sorry this happened to you.

17. Does he have some illness and is giving you an out?

    Strange that it would seem out of the blue. Ask if he’s gay and he’ll probably tell you the real reason lol

18. You say this happened abruptly after you returned from a week apart: suddenly he’s not sure he wants to be with you forever (even though this wedding has been years in the planning). Very suspicious timing. What was he up to that week? Seems like he met someone, and wants to explore that other opportunity, if he hasn’t been unfaithful already. Cue the tears and excuses, the painful sudden breakup. You’ll soon hear about his new girlfriend, or else he’ll crawl back, tail between his legs, when it all goes bad.

    (Nosebleed was likely due to high blood pressure; he gave you seriously bad news and you were both upset, so his BP was probably sky high. This can cause nosebleeds. A brain tumor is not gonna present this way unless it eroded into the nasal cavity, he’d have symptoms well before it started to bleed out his nose)

19. I feel horrible about what you’re going through, but at the end of the day as “nice(?)” as you think he is, he was not in love with you. You can care for someone, but at the end of the day, not love someone.

    I would recommend you show him how serious you are by moving on, blocking him on facebook and all the other sites so you don’t have this “scab” that your continously picking at. To me, I suspect along with you, there was someone he was at the very least, interested in. And you don’t need that knowledge. The rest of your life is about YOU now.

    The ball is in your court. It is time for you to do things you would have never done because you were with him, serving him. I wish you love and happiness.

20. Damn that’s rough. Could be a million reasons he decided to call it off. An affair, drug problems, maybe he got diagnosed with a terminal illness and wants to spare you from going through it, etc. It’s impossible to know without you actually talking with him.

    The big question is even if he does decide to get back with you, are you going to be able to trust that he won’t do it again 4 months from now? Or 2 years, etc.?

21. It seems like he probably stringed you around for years out of comfort. Since the marriage was closing in, he had the realization of the commitment that was about to happen. You dodged a bullet & I hope you find someone great.

22. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It seems like you were in a relationship with someone who is really good at hiding their feelings, whether he was doing it to protect you or become he is just secretive it still sucks. A relationship with someone who won’t open up to you was doomed because just as it happened, he would eventually drop a bomb on you. Like he did.

    You are lucky it happened now and not after you bought a house or had kids with him.

    You are probably never going to get straight reasonable answers from him. His visceral reaction was probably due to the stress of the situation and because he likely does care for you but whatever he was feeling was bigger than all of that and he had to do what was right for him.

    At this point you need time to grieve the loss of the relationship and the loss of the future you envisioned with him. Focus on rebuilding your life and consider some therapy to help you find yourself again.
    Best wishes to you.

23. i was engaged once before my current marriage. my ex-partner sat me down 1 month after proposing and told me they were no longer attracted to me and they did not want to be with me. we’d moved in together 1 week before proposal. i lost my partner and my home in the same 20 minute conversation.

    i wrote out all of this simply to say, i get it. i am so sorry. and you’ve likely done nothing wrong.

    even if you could find a way back together, this person is so cold, and doesn’t seem to care about it. please take the time to heal yourself and find a better person 💕

24. Did he propose to you or did you propose to him? I ask in part because I’m wondering if you’re the dominant one in your relationship dynamics whereas he goes with the flow and just couldn’t do that this time. Either way, definitely seek therapy for the closure he didn’t give. He should have provided that.

25. I think you should demand some answers here. You have been together a very long time & have been engaged for 2 years. He owes you the truth and a better explanation as to why & what happened to change his mind, not only about marriage, but with wanting to end the entire relationship. I find it very odd that someone you’re so close to is suddenly very evasive. I find the nose bleeds & cold hands to be odd as well. Is he ill? Has he gone to the doctor recently? You need to know the reasons why in order to get closure & if you truly haven’t done anything wrong, then he should be ok giving you the answers you need. Don’t beg him to stay.. in fact, tell him that you won’t ask anything else of him again but you just need the real reasons why.

26. “It’s complicated” Either he is hiding stuff from you, or he’s a bad liar. He’s getting scared of your response to what he did.

27. I’ve been in an extremely similar situation. Unfortunately you may never get more answers than he’s already given you. As the slighted party, you probably feel the need to find something to make sense of the situation, to *fix* it, because you’ve had the rug pulled out from under you, but it only takes one person to end a relationship.

    For whatever reason, he isn’t ready to be married. You sound like a catch, and maybe he’ll realize what a stupid decision he’s made, but *you deserve someone that wants you*. I strongly believe you should never have to convince a partner to stay with you.

    It will probably be agonizing for a while, but you can survive this and find someone with more conviction. I truly wish the best for you, stranger.

28. I would be grateful that he ended it before a wedding and kids entered the picture or more time was a wasted. My granny said “you don’t marry the person you can live with, marry the one you can’t live without”. Just because you two are compatible enough doesn’t mean you’re each others persons. I’m sorry op. The pain sucks right now but time will heal you.

29. Wow, so he didn’t just put off the wedding, he broke it off completely? With no real answer beyond he can’t commit to you forever. That doesn’t make sense. He can’t commit to forever, so he won’t commit to right now (the life you currently share together)? This is very strange. I’m sorry. 💜

30. After all the time and effort you’ve put into your relationship, he still doesn’t think he owes you at least a reason? Move on, you deserve better!

31. I can’t really add anything. But I can’t imagine what you are going through right now. All the questions in your head. Only reading this makes my heart hurt. Every response you get here is just a guess at best. Nobody knows what he is thinking and while I think he owes you an explanation and you deserve one. I don’t know if you will get one. But don’t let people tell you he didn’t care or love you ever. That’s not true. And whatever is happening right now it has nothing to do with you and your worth.

    Reading your responses you sound like a strong woman. You have some tough times ahead, but reading your responses I am sure you will get out of this and find happiness again.

    I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find some peace. But you inspire me in the way you talk about this and the resistance you show.

32. I have read through the comments and just want to add that I started randomly getting nosebleeds in 2021 and had a seizure in January of 2022 where all I remember is coming to while walking out to the ambulance. I am also 30 about to turn 31. I have never had either of those health issues occur before. My doctor changed my anxiety medication and I haven’t had any issues since then.

    My gf said that the day before I was getting easily upset about things, which I don’t recall. It ended up with my sodium being low which caused the seizure. Make sure he is getting enough sodium to replenish what he sweats out whenever he is at the gym.

    This may not have helped at all, but just wanted to share my perspective on the situation. Wish you the best of luck.

33. His physical state looks like extreme stress symptoms. But I believe it was over telling you he was done. I don’t think this thought or want is new. It sounds like he has had time to process his feelings and thoughts. He is telling you the truth, he doesn’t know if can commit to you, because he is unsure about your relationship.

    There is nothing you did wrong, I bet you were a great partner, please don’t place the blame on yourself.

    But someday you will be thankful he did it this way. When you find the person who can’t wait to marry you, and who is so excited to do so.