I’ve already written my story a few times, but I still don’t have any clarity. I’m 36 years old and I’ve been with my husband (M, 36) for 16 years. We were never sexually compatible, but I felt superficial in rejecting him for that because he is a good man who loves me otherwise and we have many things in common.
Four years ago, he decided to become an Orthodox Christian priest and he had to be married for that, which is why we officialised our relationship last year. I didn’t want to marry him, but I felt obligated to him because he had stayed with me through thick and thin for 15 years and not being married would have delayed his entrance into the priesthood (until he found a suitable woman). Thankfully, we do not have children yet.
The problem is that I am feeling more and more unsatisfied as time goes on. I am feeling unwanted / unwantable and rejected as a woman because I have had no sexual life for 16 years. Apart from some cuddling, there is not much romance either. He also has anger issues which are problematic from time to time. I have developed depression and mood problems and cry almost every day.
I am not religious myself and cannot stand the three-hour services on every Sunday. I cannot stand the fact that we can’t go anywhere on the weekend due to them and that our vacation time gets severely limited as well. Since I work a lot, the little time I can be free is important to me.
I suppose most people would cut their losses and leave, but there is a complicating factor. If I leave him, this would cause him to be excluded from the priesthood. Even if someone makes an exception and keeps him in his function, he would be unable to remarry.
From my perspective, I am afraid of leaving became I fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life – who would want an emotionally damaged woman like me? I also fear that God will punish me for hurting him. After all, I knew what I was getting into and I still went through with it. He’s clearly a good man and he deserves better than me.
Should I just accept responsibility for what I did by marrying him, suppress my own desires and stay (i.e. “bear my cross”)? Or would it be better to be a selfish monster and leave?
TLDR: Stuck in a passionless marriage for 16 years; divorcing will probably cost him his career. What would you do?
9 comments
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So I am confused. He is a ” good ” man but you refer to anger issues. So what does that look like?
You indicate the marriage is sexless. Could this be grounds for the annullment of your marriage? An anullment could mean he is free to marry again – not sure how it works in the orthodox church.
Regardless of what the result is for him it does sound lke you need to leave this marriage. You say that you work a lot – is this paid work, i.e. you earn enough to be financially independant? Time to make an exit plan.
So you’d rather have a husband that hits you, than be alone?
You’d rather stay in a situation that depresses you than be alone?
You’d rather spend the next 50 years of your life miserable, unwanted, being abused, than be alone?
What’s wrong with being alone? Genuinely. You’ll be able to take all the vacations you want. You’ll be able to keep your space how you want. You’ll have time and energy to take up hobbies and meet friends that way. You won’t have to worry about masking your essential nature to avoid getting yelled at by someone that’s supposed to be kind to you. That sounds like a damn vacation after 16 years of this.
It sounds like you grew up being forced to ignore your wants and needs to not cause trouble for those around you. If it was too loud, too painful, too boring, you got taught to suck it up and force yourself to do that unpleasant thing because otherwise you’d be punished. Common for autistic people. But instead of deconstructing that, you took that attitude and kept it up. This relationship is unpleasant and painful and boring. But you don’t have to suck it up. Wanting to be sexually satisfied isn’t selfish. Wanting to be treated kindly isn’t selfish. Wanting to not sacrifice all of your weekends to somebody else’s religion isn’t selfish. Wanting friends or a partner who would genuinely delight in you getting excited and loud isn’t selfish. It’s normal. Let yourself care about your happiness for once. This guy obviously doesn’t.
In the immortal words of Dan Savage, dump the motherfucker already.
> fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life
You sound alone now.
>I didn’t want to marry him, but I felt obligated…
>Thankfully, we do not have children…
It seems to me that the issue already goes further than lack of sex.
Lack of closeness? even some disregard?
> I have developed depression and mood problems and cry almost every day.
>fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life
You see? the issue is not him or the relationship. Now it’s personal. You allowed the original dissatisfaction to get you. You focused your life around a problem (huge problem, I admit, but nonetheless only part of life).
The center of your life is not hin nor the relationship with him. It’s you and your relationship with you and with God. So focus on that.
It’s your responsibility to be on your feet, not his. Stand up. Grow. Regreen. Don’t blame the circumstances. It’s in you. It’s all up to you.
Leaving, by itself, won’t solve anyone. You must be able to be fine next to him or far from him.
Finally: do you have meaningful relationships with a few more people? They’re vital.
Start today, best wishes.
source. I was in shoes similar to yours (but with kids) 8 years ago. Focused too on lack of sex and intimacy. Needed antidepressants. Much better now. I don’t have ‘my drea marriage ‘, far from it. But my well-being and happiness is on my. Important: cero violence or any kind of abuse, that would be a deal breaker.
edit:
>he shouts at me sometimes in the above-mentioned contexts, but it’s mostly not unprovoked. He has rarely hit me and never badly.
This has to stop. Period.
You, and I, and everyone needs respect and peace. Not possible to regreen if I do not respect myself. The fist thing in respectin myself is enforcing my boundaries.
I felt tempted to delwte my other comment. But I leave it there so tou can see what the scenario could be in you were, as your title suggests: a passionless relationship.
But you’re not there… you’re in an abusive relationship.
There’s no such thing as a provocation to be hit or be psychologically abused by your partner. That provocation simply do not exist.
Respect yourself. Respect yourself. Respect yourself. Do not allow anyone lay a finger on you.
This man is emotionally and physically abusive. The consequences for HIM if you leave don’t outweigh the consequences for YOU if you stay. Your happiness matters.
Why doesn’t he show affection? Why no sex? Is he gay? I bet he’s stuffed WAY back in the closet. Have you talked to him about your needs? What does he say?
Being alone is scary, but it sounds like you may be happier. You’re also wrong about how being autistic means you won’t find anyone else. That’s internalized ableism and patently untrue. If getting loud and excited is a turnoff, I’d have never married my husband 🙂 Fellow auite here (me) thinks you can find someone who loves and accepts you and provides for your sexual and emotional needs. I’d suggest some online groups for autistic people, not necessarily to find a mate but to find your tribe and learn to be comfortable with and love yourself first, which will then attract the right man.
You knew this guy wasn’t your forever; that’s why you didn’t want to marry him. Leave while you’re young. The consequences he faces are due to his inadequacy and refusal to change, and are not your fault for wanting better for yourself.