I don’t even know where to start.
I had a great life before I met my husband. I was confident in my body, I was confident with what I wanted in sex and confident with life, career and my prospect of life ahead in general.
Fast forward, 5 years later, I hate my life.
My husband was a virgin before we met. It took me taking the initiative and 5 years of trying to get to somewhat okay sex. We still only have mediocre sex, but things slowly improved.
I agreed to have children out of fear to lose him (My fault). I hate being a mother and that I have no career and independence anymore. But at least this was my decision as a grown-up and as an adult. I regularly remind myself that I can’t blame him for that.
Now, I found hardcore BDSM porn on his laptop. He then confessed to me that he is into BDSM, which I am not. But now we are married and have kids. And I have to find a way to see how I can make BDSM work for me.
I am mad that in those 5 years I tried everything to get our sex life to work.
I worried the whole time what was the problem that our sex life was so shit.
I tried everything, I even created a stupid sexy advent calendar for him last year.
I feel like a clown who’s trying, whereas he knows why he can’t get an erection.
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I already felt I was sacrificing my career (I work independently and work output and client outreach suffered tremendously) for his wish of wanting to have kids. (But okay, I agreed on this, so my fault).
But now I learn that I also sacrificed my sex life because he didn’t tell me his BDSM kink.
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Now, 5 years, later, I neither have amazing sex, nor do I have confidence in my sex life and abilities.
I have neither my career nor independence. I am just a stupid mother and an idiot who is stuck in this life.
How to go forward from here?
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9 comments
Have you tried it? Could be one of those “don’t knock it till you try it” things. He can’t help what he’s into, that’s not something you should be blaming him or yourself for. It’s not your fault or anyone else’s fault that people have kinks. Have you possibly looked into any type of couples sex therapy?
Your perception of your own life sounds miserable. I know what you typed is just a fraction of how I’m sure you feel, but I’d recommend seeking psychological support.
You tried a lot of things, he realized he wasn’t into it. Would you rather him pretend he’s into it? Marriage is a relationship with the intention of being with the same person forever. Needs change, libido changes. Every married couple has a story of needing to spice it up.
Is there a chance you expressed that you felt hopeless in the intimacy aspect of your relationship? Maybe he was still trying to find things to get him in the mood, and was afraid to share when he found something because you didn’t seem apt to try new things. You are so miserable or feel hopeless that he didn’t feel safe or comfortable sharing that with you.
I love my husband, and if he found something he wanted to try out, I would do it. We have limits but I would never be mad that he wants to explore new things with me to continue being interested and excited with me.
As for your job, kids, etc. I feel like you don’t have a good way of communicating with your husband. A simple ” hey, I’m really unhappy in this situation and it’s making me view several aspects of my life negatively. As your partner I want you to know this, and would like it if we could find a solution together so we can get back to a better place overall”.
Most men really don’t realize how much of a sacrifice being a mother can be. I work from home with my daughter and often long for the days when I was a successful woman growing a business. If it got to the point where this sacrifice was impacting my mental health or view of my family members, I would talk to my husband and I know he would do everything in his power to figure it out.
If I have learned one thing in my own marriage, it’s that I can guarantee you being miserable is just as miserable for your husband dealing with it. I assure you that your demeanor is helping nothing, and that it’ll only cause more stress and dissatisfaction for him as well. Your suffering is not just experienced by you, but everyone in your household.
If the root of your problem is sex, look into resources. If it’s your job, have a conversation about career changes. If you don’t enjoy being the primary caretaker of your children, figure out a new plan before they are old enough to one day stumble on you talking about them like this.
I married a near virgin and it has been difficult. I’m sorry that your sex life isn’t improving. He likely wasn’t sure exactly what he was into, but the fact that he didn’t communicate to you what his sexual desires are is an important factor in your feelings.
This is an awful situation to be in. As you already feel you have put in the majority of effort, I’m not sure if you would be willing to go to counseling. Just because he has a fetish or kink that you do not share doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship. He obviously has hanguos about being open with you sexually, and that lack of communication is what needs to be fixed in order to possibly move forward.
Sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like this is a combination of your internal narrative you’re telling yourself, the betrayal/secrecy of him keeping this (assuming porn addiction) from you / instead of you, and the lack of effective communication between the two of you.
I strongly suggest individual therapy for both of you and marriage therapy… and that he get serious about the porn addiction with a CSAT.
Do you tell your partner how much better your sex kife used to be and insult him for losing his erections?
I think it’s important to really recognize how much of this situation is your responsibility. Like continuing to date someone you don’t enjoy having sex with, marrying and having children with someone you don’t want to have children with, and giving up your career that you wanted for all of these things you didn’t even want to begin with. Why? Why give up everything you loved for something you actively dislike?
I feel for you. Truly. But you need to let go of the narrative that he did all of this TO you and start figuring out what choices you are going to make going forward to improve your situation. And participating in kinks that aren’t yours isn’t the answer- it’s just doing what you’ve always done in this relationship, which is willingly doing shit you don’t want to do, and the cycle continues. It is liberating to take accountability and realize that you DO have control in this situation. He kept this huge part of himself from you your whole marriage. You don’t want to participate in it. So, what do you want? What boundaries do you want to lay down for yourself?
Has he been tested for anything testerone wise? Has he seen any doctors? Is it an ED issue?
I ask because my husband has a similar issue and it ended up being anxiety induced from added pressure from me ( LOL) and mostly his own brain to preform.
I didn’t marry a Virgin. However I am his first girlfriend and clearly his only wife. I do feel your struggle. Feel free to message me any time.
OP, I glanced through your post history. You’re going through some difficult shit. Anyone would be struggling.
You moved to a new country without family support and gave birth to twins. One of your babies has a severe disability and requires constant care. Life isn’t great right now and it’s easy to look back and regret the choices that brought you here.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Having a little one with a disability is so hard. I think it’s normal for all your problems to feel amplified right now.
You sound really burned out. Would your husband consider being the stay at home parent if that’s what’s required right now? It’s clear you regret putting your career on the back burner.
Is there any possible way to get you some more help with childcare? I know it won’t solve every single problem but I think it would make your problems seem less insurmountable.
Read “Rekindling desire” by Barry McCarthy. There are stories about your exact situation and what has worked for others. One size doesn’t fit all but at least seeing this occurs and can be resolved may help.