I (24 F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) for almost 3 years. However we recently broke up for a period of 6 months before getting back together. During this time apart we were still in contact and talking on the phone almost daily. We got back together in February, and I personally thought things were going great, even better than before we took the break. However one day in April I get a call from him out of the blue telling me he got a “last minute ticket” to a popular music festival. I was confused but got over it because he made it sound like he was going with a group. A few hours later he called me again and told me the truth. He was going with another girl alone. Supposedly he knew her for years and grew up together but I had never heard her name the whole time we were together. Additionally he told me initially there was supposed to be a group, but everyone else dropped out because they had a problem with this specific girl. Obviously I was upset by this and he started saying if I didn’t want him to go he wouldn’t go. I finally admitted that him going on a vacation alone with another woman who wasn’t his girlfriend crossed a boundary and I was uncomfortable with the situation. That’s when he informed me he was leaving the next day and couldn’t leave her “stranded in another state alone”. He ended up going anyways and when he got back he was extremely apologetic and has been trying to make it up to me. Initially I didn’t do anything as I felt completely numb and couldn’t process anything regarding the situation. We’re supposed to be starting couples therapy soon but I can’t help the feelings that I’m starting to have as i finally feel like I’ve begun to process everything. I was going to try and make it work because we have so much history and he does seem genuinely apologetic, but I can’t help but still feel absolutely betrayed. Do I stay and try to make it work or is this unforgivable?
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Personally I would feel betrayed, too. Going on a vacation one-on-one with a woman who is *not* your partner is completely inappropriate. Especially when you told him you weren’t comfortable with it and he did it anyway.
He knew what he was doing.
It’s possible… but unlikely that was platonic.
* If he’s not willing to give you the name and other pertinent details about this mysterious girl that his friends know but don’t like, that’s a deal breaker.
* If you do get that info, you can contact his friends who supposedly know her and don’t like her, and ask about her and if no one has heard of her, that’s a deal breaker.
Get his phone and check it. if he cheated thats where the evidence is
He lied and then said he wouldn’t go if you didn’t want him to, and then ended up going anyway. he couldn’t respect the boundary you set and you guys just got back together.
If they really were childhood friends I’m sure you would have heard of her before. It just doesn’t sound like he’s telling the truth and doesnt seem like a good way to restart the relationship. It would be a deal breaker for me
> everyone else dropped out because they had a problem with this specific girl
damnnn what did she do?
> I was going to try and make it work because we have so much history
This isn’t always a good thing, especially when that history includes breakups and vacations with other women that he doesn’t tell you about till the day before.
> Do I stay and try to make it work or is this unforgivable?
– stick around and see how therapy goes
– call it quits, nobody reasonable would blame you for doing so at this point, relationships that needed a break at some point often do not work out
His side chick didnt work out so he is back with his backup GF.
Im sorry.
The time you are with him, you could miss out on meeting someone who values you as much as you value them.
Your call
You WERE betrayed.
Find someone who won’t betray you
Wow. You are way better than me. This isn’t just a red flag in my mind… This is 100% a dealbreaker. He lied to you. He attempted to do a trickle truth, but it started with a bunch of lies first.
Did they sleep in the same hotel room? Did you confirm if there was only one bed or two? Did he show you the text messages leading up to this concert to prove he’s not lying about the group about the group bailing on her?
Honestly? I wouldn’t stay in this relationship. You both have already broken up and gotten back together. Whatever those reasons were, it’s an indicater you aren’t realy compatible. He broke a boundary knowing it bothered you, by still going to this festival with her. To me, I’d feel like the relationship has run its course and is now spoiled. A second chance at this and he isn’t putting your feelings as a priority?
Try the therapy if you want, but I’d try looking at this realistically.
He put another women before you. He dismissed your feelings and went anyway leaving you distraught and wondering what he was getting up to with the mysterious other women who seems to have popped up out of nowhere. He put you and your relationship last and broke your trust in him… there’s not much you can do now, he broke it all..
So he decided to go on a festival with this girl who seems not being like by a lot of people and they even canceled the event with her because they have a problem with her presence
He can’t realize that this girl is after him (last minute ticket’ really? )and he decides to throw you away for her ! Well now he can only blame himself if you broke up because he knew he will gonna cross a huge boundaries but still do it and only come with empty excuses. The actions spoke louder and he show you he is not a guy of his words!
I don’t think there’s anything here to salvage. Your relationship wasn’t very good in the first place. And then he goes to this festival after asking you about it and you telling him that you aren’t comfortable with him going with this woman. Therefore he put his relationship with her ahead of his relationship with you. The fact that there are lies as to a group going versus a solo trip, and the fact this friend he had kept from you all along pretty much tells you everything that you need to know
this is a for sure red flag. If you did the same thing, do you think he would still be with you?
So, he went on an expensive date, but you weren’t the date.
What were the sleeping arrangements? A hotel room/tent together? Did they split up and do their own thing at all or was it strictly sticking together st all time? Have you read any texts between them leading up to the festival?
100% ask to read the text conversations. If he doesn’t agree to let you or acts defensive, he’s hiding something.
Why did you guys break up the first time?
I mean, I’m just curious. No way I would stay with this clown.
Best case scenario here, he’s telling the truth and decided to go to a music festival with some random woman you don’t know about yet apparently is a big part of his life. All of this while you told him it made you uncomfortable, yet he did it anyway.
Worst case scenario, he is lying about every aspect of that story. He got tickets last minute? It was supposed to be a group not just her? It’s with a childhood friend? This is more negative thinking but is it not possible while you two were on break he bought these tickets for a date with this other woman (who could be anything in this scenario)? Is that something you want to put up with? Best or worst case?
He told you one thing then made excuses to do the opposite when you didn’t roll over and agree to let him do what he wanted and voiced how you truly felt. If he truly valued your relationship he would have followed through. The best thing I have ever heard is “if they wanted to they would”. He told you he would value your opinion and feelings and then didn’t. She didn’t have to go to the festival, so the excuse of him not letting her go alone is a mute point. If everyone else in the group disliked her enough, for whatever reason,to waste money on a trip and the tickets, why was he still going? But I honestly think he made that up to cover them planning to go alone the entire time. If you’ve just been dating on and off and already need therapy to make it work, what is going to happen down the road if you get married or have children? If I were you, I would take a step back and think of the ways his presence in your life makes you feel and if that’s what you want for yourself long term. Good luck ❤️
“If you don’t want me to go I won’t go “ followed by “It’s in another state and I can’t leave her stranded there alone” is the biggest bullshit I’ve heard. So he makes you an offer he never intended to honor, clearly hoping you’ll be ok with it. And that’s I don’t know how many lies since he started out with one when he offered the ticket to you.
What a selfish piece of crap. You’re better off without him. Make the break s break up and find yourself a better man.
He is a huge manipulator. Dont waste money on couples therapy. find a new guy. Do you understand that he broke up with you just to make other woman comfortable? Leave before it becomes more complicated
Oh ffs, he cheated on you. Do not be a door mat. He does not respect you or any of your boundaries. He had every intention of going with her, regardless of what you said or how you felt.
Fuck couples therapy, there is no couple. You are a safety net, nothing more. He knows you are easy to lie to and manipulate because you keep taking his pathetic ass back.
Grow a spine and dump him. Go find a better guy.
Nope, your young and can do better. If he was committed to you he would never have agreed. Let him go .
so he went to a music festival… in ANOTHER STATE… with ANOTHER WOMAN who wasn’t you… AND HE LIED TO YOU ABOUT IT and only told you the “truth” (which is definitely not even the whole truth) when he finally felt guilty about him lying. and this is all after he made his initial decision of going to a music festival last minute with his side chick ….. LOLOLOL i think i’d lose my absolute crap, buy a plane ticket and show up there and confront both of them (that’s just me).
you’re way more forgiving than i am. that’s a massive red flag/deal breaker. you need to move on NOW and find yourself someone who actually is going to give a damn about you and treat you with some respect. that’s not a “friend” of his… that’s his side chick. please don’t be naive 😭
Absolutely not.
Why would he want to do that anyway ?
Have you ever met this girl or spoke to her ? If not you definitely should before moving forward.
He’s only sorry after he went, he wasn’t sorry enough not to go, he put her feelings and comfort above yours.
Even if he didn’t cheat (which he probably did) he still didn’t care about your feelings or your boundaries. That is a mayor red flag, and going forward sets a presedent that will continue for the rest of your relationship. Honestly I would just break up with him, he cares more about that other girl than you.
Respect yourself. Walk away. Go NC. He is a POS.
Oh honey, he cheated and totally planned on it. The thrill was too much to resist so it was worth doing desperate damage control when he got back.
Just know he spent half his time there building up their story to sell you about what happened.
Why the hell are you going to couples counseling at 24? If a relationship isn’t working find a new one. You’re going to waste good years of your life trying to save a sinking ship when you could be meeting someone better. It shouldn’t be this hard. Y’all aren’t married and have no children. What are you trying to save? Cancel couples counseling and dump his ass.
look, one thing is abundantly clear. He cared more about the “discomfort” of a “friend” than crossing boundaries set by you. That is a very clear message to me, dont care how apologetic he is. There is a reason why he felt he could betray your trust and cross that boundary, but he couldnt let her go by herself???. Also i don’t doubt for a second that something happened between them.
Where I’m from there is a saying that roughly translates to “Beware of what you’re willing to forgive, you’re just teaching them what they can get away with”.
Couples therapy at 25… Save your money.
I will call a spade a spade here;
1) dudes do not have girls that are friends without even the slightest bit of attraction to them.
2) if he wasn’t interested in her, there would be no way he’d be going anywhere with her that’s without you, let alone interstate over a few days.
Stop trying to make sense of it, you really don’t even need to post this because if you’re just honest with yourself you will have the answers.
One more time, cut the bullshit on the therapy.
And stop looking for pity answers to make yourself feel better, or reaffirm that it’s not that bad.
**This is reality:**
Either you’re okay with him seeing other women (which is fine, if he provides for you and you’re comfortable with that)
Or you’re not, and in that case you know what to do.
This the type of dude that’s gonna find a reason to cheat.
Watch.
Him: but you didn’t give me booty last night
*Goes out and cheats*
At 24 years old and not married, I would not stay in a relationship where you already need couples counseling. You already broke up once. Break it off a second time and don’t look back. You deserve better than this guy. Don’t try to councel yourselves through a relationship that isn’t working. My advice might be different if you were married, but probably not even then. You have so much time ahead of you. Please don’t spend it with this jerk.
So a group was going, everybody cancelled except this girl. I presume the others in the group had tickets. If they didn’t go why didn’t your bf buy one of their tickets so you could go to festival with them?
Answer: so he could cheat, that’s why.
He knew what he was doing. He isn’t genuinely sorry or else he wouldn’t have done it. He cared more about the other girl than you
Unforgivable.
He played you by telling you that he wouldn’t if it made you uncomfortable, but still went? He was trying to manipulate you into saying it was OK, but when you didn’t, just went with his original plan.
Pretty sure he was dating her during your six month break.
This is obviously your choice, but I doubt you’ll be able to get over this. I wouldn’t. And more importantly, he wouldn’t if the shoe was on the other foot.
“If you don’t want me to go then I won’t go” proceeds to go even though you said this was pushing your boundaries and made you uncomfortable.
What other boundaries of yours will be feel comfortable turning the other way from? Let the history just be good memories, it’s time to move on!
Let’s humour the idea he didn’t go and cheat. There’s no specific evidence of that so let’s be polite.
Instead let’s focus on how he dropped the scenario on your lap, forced you to be the bad guy and then disregarded that anyway. He already knew he was going, he never planned to not go, so why force you to admit you were uncomfortable just to throw it in your face anyway.
In my eyes that alone is worth really reflecting on your future and reflecting back on the times that have passed. Like is this the pattern, has he always been prone to putting you in spots where you are sort of forced to accept his bullshit?
Just be aware of that. It isn’t just that this was sketchy, it is that how he handled it was apparently contrived to make you as upset as possible.
At 24, don’t bother with couples therapy. Just break up permanently. It won’t be this hard when you’re with the right person, and in my experience you will both be completely different people in 10 years. If it’s meant to be, you will come back together after a lot of individual growth.
He absolutely cheated on you and lied.
How much history can you actually have with someone at 24? You’re still so young and many more relationships and experiences ahead of you.
Just skip the counseling. Get an STD panel and leave him.
Please see his dishonesty and disrespect.
Also they just came off a break not too long before? It sounds a LOT like this is someone he was fooling around with during the break and he never STOPPED fooling around when him and OP got back together