…this is getting out of control (I am jealous of his butt)

I (f40) need advice.

Very long post ahead, sorry.

I was always pretty vanilla, I must say. There’s always been the motto ‘exit only’ for my backdoor. On the other hand, I was never really reluctant to be on the giving side. However, there is not much experience there.

Now, my partner (m45) is awesome. I love him. He is kind, a good listener, treats me damn well and he is sexy af. Down to earth, has a job, stable attitude, we’re on the same page about our future, all that. We are together since 1.5 yrs. We do not live together and see each other typically every weekend and a few times during the week.

He told me that he’s into butt stuff, early on in the relationship, but we never did any until 0.5 yrs passed. It happened after a party. During the party, he got really analhorny, told me that and pictured stuff and it really turned me on. So we went home, where we had a really good long session that ended with me fisting him 🙂 Was my first time fisting someone and I was ecstatic! I loved it. After this, we talked a lot and he told me all about his anal stretching routines. It was very exciting to finally get to know this side of him and get introduced to a new, truly interesting world (no bdsm though).

Anal stretching needs to be trained. My partner does that really often, mostly every evening when he is/was not with me (from the start of the relationship). We had several sessions until today. I was observing his routine, helping with his routine, I also peg him – that… wow… it is so amazing having your man moaning while your’e giving it to him – priceless. We had several fisting sessions and this one of the most intimate things imo, a couple can experience.

However, it seems to me, that he isn’t really turned on so much by other stuff anymore. I asked him once if he likes the normal stuff as much as the butt stuff and he said he likes them both same. Ok, tell me that I am childish, right here, right now. But when he gets horny, he’s mostly anal horny and kinky talk is usually always centred around butt stuff with his butt (I’ve been asking him once how he’d like me get some plugs for myself, cos I am getting courious – but it doesn’t come up often).

Our communication is getting increasingly good, but I just don’t know how to deal with this. Can’t just say: ‘Yo, dude – worship my body a bit’? On top of that, I am very insecure about my body and don’t find myself very sexy, so I wonder if he just doesn’t find me beautiful. Also, he watches porn (girls stretching their holes). He used to do that really a lot before we met, I told him that I don’t really like that and he reduced the amount, but he couldn’t stop completely.

Ok and now I am freaking out a bit. I wanna talk about it with him but I don’t know how. I am getting real jealous of his butt stuff, wtf. It’s come so far, that I set up an NSFW account here on reddit posting nudes to get some admiration or so, hell, what’s wrong with me. help. please.

For those of you who are into anal stretching, fisting specifically – what’s your opinion?

Thanks for reading this far <3