**UPDATE:**
Dude got back to me and siad he wasn’t feeling it physically. I think this might be most situations where people don’t want to admit it. Either way, we ended on good terms and he was relieved I wasn’t hurt by it! It still sucks, but at least my character is in high compliment. Just wish I could find someone who thought both were attractive lol.
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( This might be a bit long but I figure more information will help you guys give me feedback. )
Got back from a date with someone who was good on paper and had fun. We both found out we had a lot in common across lifestyle, life goals, dealbreakers, etc. He wanted to plan something and asked for my availability. When I reaffirmed how much fun I had, he rejected me in text.
I’m a weirdo and like constructive feedback if I did something that was offputting so I can be better for the next person. Understandably, I rarely get feedback. In this case, I didn’t.
When I do get feedback, it’s almost always something they admit is minuscule. “You’re almost perfect. But this one thing you fulfill most of the way isn’t all of the way and that won’t work.” ( I’ve been told this three times. ) Barely meeting a requirement and being denied is understandable. But – mostly being there and still being denied? Seems odd and they seem upset about their decision or outright were. When I don’t vibe with someone, it’s something I can pinpoint and I often inform the man as a form of closure. Anyone else experiences this?
I’m not picky beyond dealbreakers. There’s no such thing as a “perfect person” so I try and be flexible where possible. Example: I want an active partner but they prefer to do indoor gym stuff? Cool. I’ll portion some of my exercise time to be indoors with them too.
In the last four months, I’ve updated my wardrobe based on feedback from male peers. I’ve also improved my communication skills by asking more about them and engaging in their topics of choice. A sincere gesture on my part that was lacking either due to nerves or ADHD.
My matches have improved drastically. But since my breakup in February with my last partner ( Mr.B ), I’ve been on dates with seven men. Two lasted two dates and five lasted one. This was 28% due to my lack of interest and 72% due to them. Between Mr.A and Mr.B I had been on dates with three different men. One lasted 4 dates ( we mutually ended it ), one lasted two dates, and the other lasted one date.
Is it bad to have those five recent ones flake after the first date and is it a reflection on me? Or is this simply a numbers game? Is it possible there’s nothing wrong with me and it’s just personality / energy incompatibility for both of us? If it’s any of these scenarios, how do I fix it?
Would legit love advice from those who’ve experienced the “good/great but not perfect” scenario more often than not!
13 comments
Three things for me:
1. People look for instant gratification and very rarely have the patience and intention of giving someone a chance if they don’t have 100% of desired attributes. This is how modern dating works in western culture and it is absolutely rubbish, also fostering a mentality of “there’s always something better out there”.
2. Lack of physical attraction. This is underrated in the sense that people will never be truthful about not considering you hot enough or just thinking they can score someone with better physical attributes. I find this is a lot more common than people like to admit. You can be hot enough to fuck for a few times but they’ll still keep a wandering eye.
3. Someone else came along who they find hotter or just want to temporarily focus on. Linked to point 1. When there isn’t a very reasonable excuse for severing a connection – it’s just most likely there is someone else in the picture.
You don’t ‘fix it’, there is nothing within you that ‘needs fixing’ – dating is about finding people whom you vibe with, people YOU CHOOSE, who CHOOSE YOU AS WELL. What’s been coming across in your text is that you may be a little low on self esteem right now and your default thought seems to be “well none of these connections are working out so there must be something wrong with me” – ie changing your wardrobe and making the focus them, when it should be both ways. Try to approach it by asking yourself if you like these men, rather than if they like you.
I’d be curious to know the wording of your messaging reaffirming you had fun. Doesn’t make too much sens4 that he was actively planning a second date and then rejected you out of nowhere
So it sounds like you’re trying to put your best foot forward which is good. I’m really curious what you mean by getting better quality matches.
The fact that you have managed to go on dates with 7 people since February, really sounds like you’re being successful at dating. My option is that most likely the people that stopped after 1 date probably weren’t feeling chemistry, and that’s something that’s either there or not. If you’re having a good time you can try and see if your body language is matching. A few things that would show you’re into a guy are: good eye contact, a forward leaning posture, smiling. Kind of a hack would be to rest your chin on your hand, head slightly tilted while smiling and making eye contact. If the guy isn’t into you, he still won’t be but he’ll at least know you’re into him if you do some or all of the body language.
I’m assuming since you said matches, you’re using OLD. If that’s the case you might want to get feedback on your bio, a better bio might actually result in fewer but better matches.
Ultimately I think people being uninterested after one date is kinda the name of the game, and ghosting or no feedback is unfortunately the current norm. I think when you find someone willing to invest in you a little the feedback will hopefully be appreciated and returned.
I would not blame on yourself because no one’s perfect. I had women who said “you are great at everything but there’s no physical attraction” – that is before meeting for first date at some cases.
Now, there could be things/habits one does that might benefit from fixing but even then its YMMV. Like I had date feedback from my matchmaker that some dates commented that I “don’t talk much” and they take it as “I am not interested”. That surprised me because I thought I was doing fine. I had followup dates with women before so I never knew this is “an issue”.
Now it might mean the women wanted me to talk more than I normally do and if I “fix it” I could’ve potentially gone out with them on 2nd dates. But conversely, what if I talk “too much” and it be a turn off to other dates who thinks I am too self-centered?
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In terms of physical attraction, yes if you are more fit you could get more matches but its all retrospective at that point since whomever you liked rejected you because of appearance won’t be back after your self improvement. It will help the future though. But you should be comfortable with yourself.
I feel this. I was once told that I check 99% of a person’s boxes in what they were looking for and that still wasn’t enough and their 1% issue was something that I had no control over. Just keep being true to yourself and focusing on making yourself happy and your person will come.
i wouldnt trust feedback from them anyway, its pretty much never accurate. people dont want to come off harsh or hurt feelings, make someone mad, or get into a battle of you trying to convince them. they’ll almost never be honest. yes it does make finding flaws or improving difficult, best bet is to hope a friend or family member will be truthful with you
Date more people. It really is a numbers game. Set yourself up on a date literally every night you’re free. When I was on OLD I would go on probably 20-30 first dates before I met someone who made me want to go on a second. Part of what made me want to was them showing explicit and unrepressed interest. If they played it cool, bye. No text to see if I got home, bye. No attempt at plans either during or within 24 hours after the date, bye. I wasn’t mean or rude about it just not willing to spend time on anything that didn’t feel like a fuck yes I can get excited about this person who is also excited about me. I got a pretty neat boyfriend out of it 🥰
“When I do get feedback, it’s almost always something they admit is minuscule. “You’re almost perfect. But this one thing you fulfill most of the way isn’t all of the way and that won’t work.” ( I’ve been told this three times. ) ”
My first impression of the situation is that these issues probably aren’t as miniscule as you’re making them out to be – though tough to say since you didn’t include them so I could be wrong. But if you’re matching with a social person and you’re more of a homebody, yeah, it might just be “one thing” but it’s one thing with an incredible impact on day to day living/lifestyle.
I think you can/should assume most people are going to try and soften the rejection but you can assume reality is probably harsher – like you’re really more at 30% of what they look for rather than “most of the way”
Honestly dating just isn’t easy. Most people who try to find patterns in random rejections are doing just that – looking for patterns that typically aren’t real bc it’s just random, they’re not all zeroing in on the same thing, they’re just all not finding you to be the right fit as a life partner. Which is fine, you just need to find the person who doesn’t agree with that.
This might be a leap. But the way you are discussing things like your wardrobe and communication skills, makes me seem like you are going into these dates in a very calculated, perhaps stressed or too methodical mindset. This may be preventing the dates from feeling natural and fun.
I also thought your example of not being too picky – exercising indoors versus outdoors – is not a good example of not being too picky. For me, not being too picky is something like, I can deal with someone living an hour away or who doesn’t have a car, being older or younger than I’d prefer, I don’t have a physical type, and I accept any career/education/income as long as they’re financially responsible.
It’s funny because I really relate to how you’ve broken it down into numbers (28% ended by me, etc.) As an analytical person, you must also understand this is a very small sample size, there may be no useful truth underlying any of this 🙂
So my off-the-cuff reaction is try to be a bit less analytical. Accept that it’s a numbers game, go into the date with the goal of having fun. Keep reminding yourself that the wrong person will dislike you no matter what you do and the right person will like you no matter what you do. I’ve showed up to dates on 5 hours of sleep, NO MAKEUP, unshowered, stressed, and these guys liked me a lot. I also showed up to dates shaved neck to toe, smelling like a rose, wearing my cutest shit and he couldn’t care less. It’s all just random 🙂
You are a person, not a collaborative document. Soliciting “constructive criticism” from *dates* is very weird and not in a way you should practice
One other thing that really reduces the # of people that aren’t feeling you after one date is to use aggressively realistic pictures. One can be high glam (like attending a wedding), four can be cute (like daily levels of makeup, a cute outfit, and flattering lighting/angles/expression), and one should be you looking somewhat mid haha. Not straight up UGLY, but just realistic. That way, you show up better in person than you do in your pictures. My “bad” pic is one of me on day three of camping – the lighting’s really good, but there’s no makeup, hair unwashed, quite sweaty, and sitting next to a way prettier friend.
Your update seems like you got your answer.
It has nothing to do with looks, initially you both liked each other’s looks but just because two people are good looking doesn’t mean you are compatible sexually or emotionally.
That’s where women go wrong they think oh if I get rejected I must be unattractive or ugly.
Being beautiful does not equal attraction something maybe get to look at but when you get next to the person that has to be a thing called chemistry a spark.
Also even if there’s a spark once you sleep with a person then the real evaluation comes, you can be disappointed with him and say sorry not for me and you owe no one an apology just give them the downright truth.
Same thing for women they have to realize sometimes they’re not great in bed or they don’t do certain things that a guy likes in bed.
So you both go on your merry way,
When someone tells you they’re not feeling it it means they don’t want to be with you, and it has nothing to do with your looks.
Seems like he was honest with you from your update, and you will find someone who you will connect with who sees you as beautiful inside and out and that is key inside and out.
Best of luck don’t lose hope, you’ll find someone you truly deserve!